I didn’t say anything. I wondered where Tupac’s mama was. Wondered if she’d heard any news.
CHAPTER NINE
Tupac got better and the judge sent him to prison. The morning the sentencing came down, it was Valentine’s Day. I’d gotten Mama a small red heart filled with chocolate-covered cherries and she’d given me a box of peanut clusters—the kind with the nuts and caramel and chocolate working all together to taste crazy in your mouth. I’d only eaten one, but she hadn’t eaten any of her candy yet. We just sat there, reading the articles over and over while the radio played Tupac songs. The news said Tupac had touched a girl on her behind and the judge said that since he was such a thug, he was gonna show him a lesson. Up to four and a half years. Maximum security. They’d sent him off to Rikers Island that morning. From there he’d go upstate.
That afternoon on TV, they showed Tupac leaving the courtroom. He walked slowly, with his head down. When he got outside, he lifted his eyes, and slowly his beautiful, sad eyes looked into the camera and out at the world. Then he lowered his head again and his whole body seemed to sag. His whole body seemed to say, How did this happen to me?
Then it seemed like all over Queens, brothers were getting arrested and sent upstate. It felt crazy to turn on the television and see rappers talking about prison and doing these video scenes in prison and then to turn around and see your own people getting sent away. It was all crazy real and feeling like some kind of strange dream at the same time—people we didn’t even know singing and rapping our stories.
But I was still a few months away from twelve when I was first starting to understand. And I’d sit in my room watching the stars on my ceiling begin to fade up into a glow and I’d just try to figure it all out. Just a little kid really without any of the words I needed to explain all the things my mind was just beginning to think about.
In May, me and Neeka turned twelve and Jayjones treated all of us to McDonald’s—buying us whatever we wanted. Just Big Macs, fries and shakes for all of us,Neeka said. And don’t forget to hook us up with some of those pies that always be burning our mouths.And when Jayjones came to the table with our food, we all sang the Stevie Wonder birthday song real loud.
PART TWO
CHAPTER TEN
“Brothers be hunted,” Jayjones said one Sunday morning. We were walking home from church. In front of us, Miss Irene and my mama each held one of the twin girl’s hands and talked real soft about Tash and the fact that he’d just been transferred to another prison, right near the one he’d already been doing time in. It was cold out. The summer had flown past us and before we could even get used to all the warm weather and freedom, fall came. We got taller and D turned thirteen and by then Neeka’s body had started catching up to D’s. I was still tall and skinny, but some curves were starting to happen for me too. By November, we couldn’t walk anywhere without boys hollering at us.
I wanted to tell Jayjones that sisters were hunted too—boys screaming behind you and whatnot. Trying to touch you when you walked past them like they had some kind of right to your body. It was crazy.
Neeka shivered. Maybe she was thinking the same thing.
November had come on quick and cold and the only good part about the whole fall was that Tupac had gotten out of jail and was making videos again.
Jayjones had his hands in the pockets of his Sunday coat. Neeka was on one side of him and I was on the other. Emmett turned around and stopped when he heard Jayjones, but Albert kept on walking.
“Like people hunt for deer, Jay?” Emmett said, his eyes getting wide.
“Worse than that,” Jayjones said. He was frowning. He’d frowned all through the church service and even as we were leaving and all of us shook the pastor’s hand.
“You gotta walk crazy slow and not be in the wrong place or be driving the wrong car—like a Jaguar or a Mercedes or something.”
“I can’t drive no nice car?” Emmett said. “What if I buy it with my own money?”
“Then you better drive it real slow.”
Emmett shrugged, then turned around and went to catch up with Albert.
“You be filling that boy’s head with a lot of junk,” Neeka said. “I’m going to tell Mama—”
“Mama knows!” Jayjones said. “She got four boys and one of them already in jail. She just holding on tight to the rest of us.”
Neeka made a face.
“You think Tash deserves to be in jail?” Jayjones asked her.
“No.”
“You think Tupac deserved to be in jail?”
“Of course not.”
“Then multiply that and then multiply what you get and keep on multiplying.”
“I read they be building more jails than schools,” I said.
Jayjones put his arm around my shoulder. It felt warm and nice there. He put his other arm around Neeka’s. She made another face but let him keep it there.
“Keep reading,” Jayjones said. “You gonna have more people than my thick-headed sister to be convincing about this stuff. It’s crazy.”
“Yeah,” I said, moving a little closer in to Jayjones. “Real crazy.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
One Friday night that winter, me, Neeka and D were playing cards at my kitchen table when D said real soft, “Y’all want to roam with me?”
Me and Neeka looked at each other. Snow had fallen twice during the week and although the streets were plowed, it was still piled up against the curb and on the sides of our steps. Cars were still halfway covered from the plowing and the wind was kicking up like it was losing its mind.
“Where?” Neeka asked.
D shrugged. “We just go,” she said.
Neeka’s mom had said it was okay to spend the night over my house and D’s curfew wasn’t for another two hours. My moms was doing overtime, so I knew she wouldn’t be home for a while.
“Off the block?” I said.
“No,” Neeka said, rolling her eyes. “Let’s just walk up and down the hallway stairs for about an hour.” Then, even though we were the only ones home, she dropped her voice. “Yes, off the block! D gonna show us the world, girl!”
“So your mama and my mama could break our behinds?” I put down my cards and picked up the book I’d been reading about the Black Panthers. Back in the day, there’d been a revolution going on. “No, thanks.” I leaned back and opened it to where I’d left off. “D’s thirteen now—she’s almost out of butt-beating times. But you and me straight up in them.”
Neeka came over and snatched the book out of my hand.
“C’mon, Neeka. I’m reading about a revolution.”
“Well, I’m talking about revolting so get dressed, girl, we gonna roam. My feet itching like I got athlete’s foot.”
“Your mama will knock you into next week,” I said.
Neeka got on her coat, then went in the closet and threw mine to me. We both had down coats, brown with fur collars. D’s coat was some kind of black wool with little pilly things all over it. She put it on and wrapped a bright green scarf around her neck, then put on the hat that matched it. With the scarf and the hat on, the coat didn’t look that bad.
“Oh—we are soout of here,” Neeka said, her grin getting all wide.
I pulled my coat on slowly. We’d been to Manhattan and out to Brooklyn with our mamas but always by car and never by ourselves. The Don’t Leave the Blockrule was like something God had burned into those Ten Commandment tablets for Moses. Serious.
“This is crazy,” I said, already feeling my two selves separating from each other—one going over to the couch with my book, the other one roaming. “I’m not going real far, y’all. I’m telling you that right now.”
D nodded. “I got a place—it ain’t far and it’s only the bus—you don’t even have to get on the train.”
Neeka looked real disappointed.
“We don’t have any tokens or anything.” I started to take off my coat.
“I got it covered,” D said. “It’ll be
cool, for real.” She looked at Neeka, whose face was still all bent with disappointment. “We can’t be going all the way to Manhattan—I gotta be home too early and your moms wouldn’t be having it.”
“We could just go to like the first stop in Manhattan—get out and walk around for a minute just to say we did,” Neeka said.
I still had my coat half on, half off. “You can go there by yourselves.”
“Forget it,” Neeka said. She gave me a look. “Let’s just go wherever. Least we’ll be getting off the block.”
When we got outside, we took a quick look up at Neeka’s window to make sure her moms wasn’t watching, then ran to the corner and around it without stopping.
By the time we got to the bus stop, we were out of breath and laughing. D got three tokens from her pocketbook and gave one to me and one to Neeka. “I bought a whole bunch ’cause Flo hit me with a twenty. After school, they don’t be letting you use your bus pass anymore. Bus drivers be clocking it all careful and whatnot.”
We sat there shivering—from the cold and from knowing what would happen if we got busted—until the bus came. Then me and Neeka put our tokens in the slot like it was something we did every day and followed D. There were a few other peeps on the bus and it was nice and warm. I felt the scared leaving me.
Neeka moved to a window seat and I moved to one on the other side. In the darkness, we could see our own neighborhood disappearing and the houses getting bigger and bigger. Soon, there weren’t even that many streetlights—just darkness and the yellow light coming from people’s windows. Then the houses got farther apart and it was spooky the way there weren’t any people on the street, no corner stores or stairs to sit on. Just big front yards with tiny yellow lights glowing a path up to people’s doorways. I stared out the window and hugged myself, trying to imagine what it would be like to grow up with not a lot of people on your street. Nobody calling you out the window. Nobody catching you sneaking off the block. It felt strange. Lonely. The only sound was the motor of the bus, and for some reason, it made me miss my mama. I leaned my head against the cold window glass.
“This is like way out—going out by Long Island,” Neeka said.
I must have looked nervous, because D said, “Don’t worry—I ain’t taking you to Long Island.”
We all got quiet and just stared out the window. People got off and the bus got emptier and emptier.
It seemed a long time passed before D said, “This is our stop,” and we followed her off the bus.
When we got out, it was dark and cold. Me and Neeka stayed real close to D as we walked. When we came to the entrance of a big park, D stopped and smiled. The moon had come out and there were a few lights but mostly it was dark.
“We’re here,” D said.
Neeka looked at her. “You mustbe high.”
I didn’t say anything. The cold air felt good—not wet and hard like it had felt earlier. The wind had stopped losing its mind and the snow looked like it was glowing where the moonlight hit it.
“C’mon,” D said.
“You think I’m going into that dark park to get beat up and raped and who knows what all else peeps thinking about doing to little girls?” Neeka said.
“Oh,” I said. “So now we ‘little girls’ again. Back at the house, you were all grown and ready to go.”
“Not to nobody’s dark park I wasn’t.”
“Neeka,” D said. “It’s winter. It’s dark. It’s cold. How many other people trying to be in a park on a night like this?”
“The crazy ones,” Neeka said back. “And that’s who’s gonna come after us.”
“Ain’t no one up in this park but us—once we get in there,” D said. She started walking. Neeka looked at me and I shrugged and followed D. After another minute passed, I heard Neeka curse and run to catch up to us.
We walked down a whole lot of stairs and across a field. Then we came to a big stage.
“It’s called an amphitheater,” D said.
“We gonna get our behinds whipped for some broke-down stage?” Neeka said.
I turned and realized the stairs we’d just walked down were actually seats carved into the stone. They were covered with snow and moss. Behind the highest ones on one side, there were a whole bunch of trees—like a half ring. The moon was shooting through those bare trees and making all these shadows and light on the stage. Everything about the amphitheater looked older than anything or anybody. I hugged myself and smiled. It was like this place had always been here and always would be. I kept walking toward the stage, slowly. I wanted to walk in that moonlight. I wanted it on my back and head and face. Everywhere.
“Where you going?” Neeka yelled, and her voice echoed back over us.
I turned and smiled. “It’s crazy! Stupid!” I said. “D. It’s . . . beautiful!”
D smiled. “That’s why I brought my girls here.”
The stage wasn’t high but it was carved from the same stone as the seats. At the back of it was this huge stone wall that seemed to go on forever.
For a minute, all three of us just stood there staring. I shivered. Something strange happened. With all that beautiful stone around me and the moon shining through the trees and down on us like that . . . and us three just standing there staring up . . . I felt whole—like my two selves had come together—finally meeting for the first time. I closed my eyes and hugged myself harder. I wanted to hold on to this feeling. For always.
We climbed up on the stage and me and D threw our arms up and yelled our names. And our names echoed back over us—all shadowy and hushed. We did it again. Then again. Then Neeka did it and smiled.
“We’re here!” D yelled. And We’re herecame slipping back over us.
And inside my head, I heard myself saying, I’m here.
The stage was covered with snow and D was the first to lie down in it and make an angel. Then me and Neeka did it, shouting the whole time, We’re here! (I’m here.) We’re here! (I’m here.)
And lying in that cold snow with that beautiful moon shining above us and our own names floating down over us—nobody could have told me that we wouldn’t always be here. That it wouldn’t be me and Neeka and D—for always.
We left D on the bus and got off at our stop—me and Neeka walking real quiet back to my house. When we got there, my moms wasn’t home yet and we peeled off our wet clothes and took turns taking hot showers. I stood under the water, wondering what situation D would go home to—wondering if Flo would ask her questions about her wet clothes and shoes. As the water poured over me, I couldn’t help smiling again about the three of us on that stage with all that light around us.
When we were all done showering, me and Neeka sat on my bed in our pajamas drinking hot chocolate. We didn’t say anything for a long time, just grinned whenever we made eye contact.
Neeka took a last sip of hot chocolate, set her cup on my dresser, then lay back on my bed, her head wrapped in one of Mama’s scarves to keep it from getting messy while she slept.
“I get it now,” she said.
I nodded.
“D’s cool. She’s like from another planet. The Planet of the Free.” Neeka sat up on one elbow and looked at me. “I’m gonna go to that planet one day.”
I shook my head and laughed. “We did, girl! We went tonight!”
Neeka held out her hand and I slapped it. And we laughed like we were losing our minds.
CHAPTER TWELVE
The morning I turned thirteen, Mama came into my room and handed me a small box wrapped up in flowered paper. She kissed me on the cheek and stared at me for a long time.
“I can’t believe I have a teenage daughter.”
It was still early. All night long my legs had been hurting. Mama said those were growing pains, and somewhere during the winter, I’d gotten way taller than her and D and Neeka. It felt strange to walk around feeling like I was all arms and legs and body. I turned the box around in my hand wondering if there’d ever come a point in my life when I’d fit i
nto my body. Maybe that’s what was happening. Maybe the hurting was about those two selves—trying to come together—trying to fit into one body the way they had that night at the amphitheater. Only it hadn’t hurt back then.
I opened the box slowly. Inside was a small blue frame and inside the frame was a picture—me, Neeka and D sitting on the stoop, smiling at the camera. D’s half smile making her seem like she was asking the world, Can I trust you? Neeka’s crazy face all eyes and knowledge—something deep in her smile. Like she was old. Like a part of her was grown-up already. And me? I was sitting between my girls, looking away from the camera—off down the street somewhere. That day, when Mama took the picture, I’d been watching the little girls try to jump double Dutch. But that’s not what it looked like. In the picture I look like I’m looking to where I’m going to. Sitting on that stoop, but already gone from here.
I put the picture on the small shelf above my bed.
“It’s great, Ma. Thank you.”
“There’s twenty dollars behind the picture,” Mama said. She smiled, knowing I’d lose my mind with that much money.
But I didn’t. There could have been a quarter behind there—or a penny. Or nothing at all. The picture was enough. The picture was always.
“You can treat your girls to lunch.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything for a long time.
“I hope it means that it’s a dollar for each year they’re gonna be my girls,” I said. “I hope it’s me and Neeka and D always.”
“Hush, girl,” Mama said. “You know it will be.”
That morning, the first morning of my teenage life, I believed her.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A summer storm passed over the night before we all took the bus up to see Tash on Saturday, hard rain and thunder all through the night. Hot winds blowing everywhere. I had spent the night over Neeka’s house and by the time we woke up, the rain had stopped and everything felt quiet and clean and cooler somehow. Neeka’s dad had to work and couldn’t go with us. The night before, I’d watched him press some bills inside Miss Irene’s hand and say softly, You give that boy my love, you hear.
After Tupac & D Foster Page 5