by Unknown
“Thank you”
Putting the phone down I ran upstairs and found a warm jumper to put on, trying to stem my shivering.
I let Jester out briefly and grabbed my mobile phone and handbag. My car keys were at the bottom and once Jester was settled in his basket I left the house. My scars throbbed in time with my rapid heartbeat, surely if James had been injured or killed they would have sent the police. It felt like that dark night just over seventeen years ago. The bile rose in my throat but I pushed it back down, I didn't have time to throw up. I didn't even want to have time to think but with a drive ahead of me and Charlotte to collect I needed distraction.
Turning on the car stereo I caught the chimes of Big Ben from the midnight news report on Love Shack radio. The show was pre-recorded apart from the news. Then the dance tunes boomed into life as I reversed out onto the deserted street. I arrived at the club early and then just waited for Charlotte and Julia to appear. Every minute just gave me more time for speculation and worry. They saw me from the foyer and dashed out to the car, Julia took the backseat as Charlie slid into the front and matched her pale face with mine.
“Oh god Mum, what's happened. Is it James?” I nodded as I traversed the city centre traffic and drunken revellers on my way to the Fire Station. She glanced back at Julia, who reached her hand forward to clasp Charlotte's for the rest of the journey. The fire engines were in the yard along with a lone police car. I was immobile in the front seat, frozen in place but wanting to flee. I did not want to hear those words again, I could not lose James now after finding him again. It was Charlotte who opened the door and held out her hand.
“Come on Mum, I'm here for you” her voice wobbled as she tried to be my strength. It took Julia's hand in my other to steady me.
My legs felt leaden, the door felt a mile away as I dragged my feet. Rob was there in uniform with another Police Officer. They parted to let me through and a breath of pure relief escaped from my lips. James was there, he was alive but he had his head down and his arms wrapped around a black and red motorbike helmet.
“Sorry we had to call you but I don't think James will be capable of driving tonight” Rob said, his voice echoing in the large expanse of the fire station.
Charlie's hand started to shake in mine before it dropped from my grasp. I watched her walk in slow motion towards James before sinking to her knees in front of him, holding out her hands for the helmet. She knew it belonged to Mitchell. He let it drop from his arms into hers and that was when her scream filled the air, like a wolf in pain. I could see now the damage on it, but where was his body? I turned in confusion to Rob, the sight of my daughter and James in despair too much to comprehend.
“What happened?” were the only words I could utter. Rob took my free arm and ushered me to another couple of seats, Julia took the other.
“The fire crew was called to an overturned car just on the bend by the bridge and the river. The driver was drunk and lost control, no other vehicles involved until one of the fire crew saw another skid mark in the road. They found broken stone on the parapet of the bridge and scrambled down the bank. That's when they found the helmet”
I looked across at James, who raised his tear swollen eyes to me. Rob continued.
“We searched as much as we could in the dark but no sign of a bike or a body at this stage so we will resume the search in daylight. James recognised the helmet from his initials that are incorporated into the design work”
“I know it’s his” James said, raking his hands through his hair. I went to him as Julia made the same short walk to cuddle Charlotte in her arms.
The screams had been replaced my sobs, I had two broken hearts to console it seemed. I looked up at Rob.
“Is there any hope he is still alive?”
“I can't say, at this stage” Rob said “I'm sorry” he hung his head and looked away. I guessed from his posture that he thought not, but I had to try and keep the small hope alive.
“Come on let's go home” I said, my voice wobbled on the last word. Would it ever feel like home again? Julia helped Charlotte to her feet and then prised the helmet from her tight grip and gave it back to the other police officer. James shrugged off my arms and stood up.
“Count me in on the search, I need to help” he said to Rob.
“Go home James, I'll call you tomorrow morning”
“I'll get one of the lads on shift to bring his car over to your house tomorrow” Eric said “and I don't expect to see you for a week, you can't work competently in this state” he said to James.
With a nod of his head James followed me to the car and I drove home in silence, well except for the odd sniff from the backseat. Jester made a beeline for his master and offered his head in James' lap.
“Anyone for a hot chocolate or tea” I asked.
Charlotte and Julia shook their heads.
“I'm going to bed” Charlie murmured, her mind stuck on the image of the helmet. Julia followed “I will keep an eye on her” she said to me. I knew that she meant to sleep in the same room and for that I was glad. She would probably offer more comfort that I could.
I went to the drinks cabinet and poured us a brandy and handed the glass to James. He took a small sip and then put in aside so he could wrap me in his arms. He sobbed silently and I let my tears slid, dropping into his hair.
“Let’s go to bed” I said.
He nodded, drained his glass and went upstairs. I retrieved my mobile phone and saw a missed call and a message. I dialled and listened to the joyful voices of my best friends Sarah and Chris. It was almost two in the morning so I didn't phone back, just tapped in a short message.
“Happy New Year to you both, sorry I missed your call. I will ring you tomorrow and explain”
Upstairs I passed by Charlotte's bedroom and heard whispered voices inside. Opening the door into our bedroom James was under the covers. We spooned together and didn't need to say a word, our heartbeats in time but heavy with despair. Julia dragged the duvet from the spare room into Charlotte's and was going to top and tail on the bed with her best friend. Charlie reached for her hand.
“I need a hug” she pleaded, her body shaking as if cold but more from the shock of the helmet. Julia wrapped the two duvets around them and cuddled up, feeling more tears flowing. Suddenly she started to hiccup and cough as she tried to find the words.
“Why, why did I do that?”
“Do what?”
“Zach” she whispered.
“Zach, what”
“I let him fuck me”
The sobs started again, this time it was guilt and shame. If Mitchell was alive he would never forgive her for this. She was supposed to be waiting for him. Her heart thumped heavily in her chest.
“So that's where you were”
“Yes, I just wanted to have some fun.....I just wanted him to be a substitute for Mitch. I thought Mitch didn't want me anymore, now I know that he was coming back”
“So forget it, you told me before that he's a womaniser”
“But....but I enjoyed it”
“Charlie who does your heart sing for?”
“Mitchell” she sighed “It will always be Mitchell”
Silent after her admission Charlie closed her eyes and found her favourite picture of Mitchell there. If the police found him alive she would be the most loyal, unswerving girlfriend ever. If he was dead......she shook her head and opened her eyes again so that it was the moonlit bedroom she saw, not the helmet. Julia was flat out and snoring beside her, but she felt comforted. Closing her eyes she tried to conjure up all the special times she had shared with Mitchell, but then in her dreams it was Zach that appeared, pumping into her like a man possessed.
I hardly slept next to James and I don't think he did either although it was hard to tell when his eyes were shut. Every now and then his body would shake or twitch. When I closed my eyes I was back in a graveyard burying Mark. But if Mitchell was dead this would be twenty times worse. I had grown to lo
ve him for the polite and courteous way that he had treated my daughter, then in a way even more as James' son. Even though it now appeared that he wasn't. With my heart only just healed how could I try and help pick up the pieces of two shattered lives.
Creeping from the bed early I sought the solace of a cup of coffee and my morning fix of music. Louise had drawn the short straw this morning getting the first shift of the New Year. I knew that all the staff had jumped at the free nightclub tickets but she had promised to leave early. With Jester close by I picked up the phone and dialled Sarah's number, she would know what to do.
“Hey Happy New Year Steph” she said.
“Is it”
“What's happened”
“James was on a shout last night and found Mitchell's bike helmet damaged and lying by the river”
There was silence as the information sunk in, followed by a gasp of shock
“Oh mygod, Steph! How are you? How's James? How's Charlotte” she stammered out.
“Not sure yet, this all happened in the early hours. The police are going back out to the spot to make further searches. James wants to help them”
“I suppose you can't help thinking the worst, but you never know” Sarah said, optimistically.
“I guess, the police body language was hard to discern”
Just then I heard footsteps on the stairs.
“Look Sarah, I'm going to have to go as someone’s on their way downstairs”
“Understood, I'll ring you later. And Steph if you need me just say”
We said goodbye before James appeared in the doorway, looking tired and older than his years. He trudged past me and poured a coffee before finding the seat next to me. Our normal morning kitchen kiss forgotten in the myriad of emotions he was battling with. I placed my hand on his thigh and he looked up at me.
“Has Rob called yet?”
“No, but do you really think it’s a good idea to be out searching with him?”
“Yes, I can't stay here and just wait. I'm going crazy with worry”
The phone rang and James picked it up. After a quick conversation with Rob he got up from the table.
“Do you want any breakfast?” I asked
“No, I just don't think I can stomach anything at the moment”
At the door he turned and a small smile played at the corner of his lips.
“Thanks Steph, just having you here helps”
Once James had been picked up I hurried to get showered and ready for my afternoon stint on the radio. I paused by Charlie's door and tapped lightly.
“Charlie, Julia are you awake?”
“Yeah Mum” Charlie said.
“I'm off to work in half an hour so just help yourself downstairs. James has gone out with the police search but has promised to contact me if anything comes up”
“Thanks Stephanie” Julia said, as she opened the door and stepped out.
“How is she” I asked, quietly.
“Not good, but I'll try and keep her spirits up. I can always stay a couple more days if you think it will help”
“That's kind of you, let’s see what happens with today's search”
In a way I felt relieved to walk into the studio. Naomi was off so there was no one on reception. In fact apart from Jack currently on air the place was deserted. I grinned in at him when I walked past the glass window, he waved back before continuing his show. I stepped into my office and fired up the pc to check the emails. I responded to the ones I could and then forwarded the sales follow ups to Lesley and Amy. Then I went into the staff room and made coffee for me and then took one in to Jack.
As the commercials played he leapt up and wrapped me in his arms.
“Happy New Year to my best looking friend”
I swallowed, suddenly facing the reality of the situation at home. My hesitation made him draw back.
“Hey what's up?”
“It’s a long story for another day” I muttered, my body still trembling “I just need to switch off in here for a couple of hours”
“Tell you what why don't I hang around and we'll go for a quick drink at the wine bar when you finish”
“Deal” I said, going quiet as Jack finished his show with his usual flourish.
My show passed without hiccup and it felt good to play other people's requests and share in their joyful New Year dreams. I kept checking my phone but there wereno messages from James. Handing over to Mickey at the end I saw that Jack was waiting with my coat and bag draped over his arm. I linked my arm through his and we left the building. The wind funnelled down the street and we were blown quickly into the welcoming warmth of La Figaro's. Jack ordered us a couple of drinks and sat down beside me.
I recounted all the events of New Year's Eve, watching as his facial expressions fluctuated from shock and sadness to disbelief.
“As usual, my world can't handle too much happiness so this happens” despondently picking at the scar on my wrist.
Jack reached for my hand.
“You shouldn't think that every time you're happy something bad is going to happen”
I tried to smile at Jack's optimism but at that moment my world felt like the glass wasn't just half empty it was about to shatter into smithereens.
We finished our drinks and I checked my phone, still no news from James out on the search.
“Look I'm here for you, whatever happens. I won't let you sink this time, just think of me as your life raft” Jack said, standing up he hugged me close .
“I'll be ready if you need me to cling too” he whispered. I stemmed the tears that were teetering on the edges of my vision and instead hugged him back fiercely.
“Thanks Jack”
“Anytime”
We parted in different directions outside and I drove home, in case James was back with any news and to check on my daughter.
Chapter 9
The house felt silent and eerie as I stepped through the door. Normally if Charlotte was home music would pervade the space along with her own brand of vibrancy. Today all was quiet and I hoped it wasn't an omen for the rest of this year. Pam and Peter were still away and I hoped that we would not need to ring them with any bad news.
“Charlotte....Julia, I'm home” I shouted, as Jester appeared in the hallway. I laid a hand on his soft fur and his tail wagged just that little bit faster.
“Hi Mum” Charlie appeared in the lounge doorway “Any news?”
I shook my head and walked into the kitchen, flicking the switch on the kettle.
Charlie followed me and stood forlornly looking at the door into the studio.
“No dancing today?......you never know it might make you feel better”
Her silence was perturbing and I shut the fridge door and crossed to wrap my arms around her. Hugging her tightly I wanted to say so much to comfort her, but I had no words.
“He will be alright, I need him to be alright so I can tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am that I upset him” her words struggled as she caught her breath between each sentence. Silent sobs simmered just below her skin, struggling to break free.
We were still locked together when Jester barked and the front door clicked shut. I turned to see James in the doorway, wet hair, muddy trousers and pain still etched in his face. Charlotte broke away from me and went back to Julia in the lounge carrying two cups of tea. My arms were ready for the second person who needed their comfort.
“Baby” I cooed, as his broad shoulders hunched down and I wrapped my arms around his neck.
“Did you find anything” I whispered to break the silence.
“His bike, but nothing else”
Christ, how was I going to break this news to Charlotte.
“But no body so there is still hope. Rob is sending enquiries to all the local hospitals in case they have any John Doe's bought in recently. With the helmet damaged he could be suffering amnesia” James said, his fingers tightening just that little bit more around my waist.
�
�Look, you're cold and shivering so why not go and shower. I'm going to rustle up some turkey curry to warm us all up on the inside” I said, reluctantly removing his embrace. He nodded and tried a weak smile before he went upstairs.
I looked round the door into the lounge and saw Dirty Dancing playing on the screen.
“Hope you're both hungry I'm doing curry for tea”
“Thanks Mrs E” Julia replied.
“I'm not really hungry” Charlie said “but I'll try”
The weak smile I had just seen on James' face mirrored on my daughters.
Keeping busy in the kitchen James returned and looked a little less pale as he got the bowls and plates ready. Opening a bottle of red he poured us both a glass and handed one to me.
“Sorry to be so down, I just need to know what's happened to Mitch. He may not be my biological son but he is one in my heart”
“I know, it’s hard for me too. But I am here for you, always and forever”
“Till the end of time” James said, his lips finding mine. I kissed him back, wanting to try and dispel some of his sombre mood.
We kept the tone light over dinner but afterwards I pulled Charlotte aside.
“They found his bike a bit further downstream, lodged against a fallen tree”
“Nothing else”
“No, but the police are checking all the nearby hospitals, just in case. They're also going to search further downstream”
Charlie slumped into my arms and sobbed whilst I held my tears back. When her tears ran dry she left my arms and ambled back upstairs to her room, Julia followed.
In bed with James later there were no words spoken between us, our touches and kisses soothed our souls. The next few days passed in much the same manner. James went out each day and traversed further reaches of the river and its banks. Julia stayed with Charlotte and I went to work. Pam and Peter came home from their friends and tried to keep busy and cheerful for us all. Five days later they found his leathers, torn apart and ragged. Rob cancelled any further searches, the body of Mitchell might never be found but he felt certain that he would not have survived what looked like a bike collision with the bridge in the snow of Christmas Eve.