by Sarina Bowen
He smiled broadly, and it changed his face into a more welcoming place. It was so easy to smile right back at him.
“Anyway… I didn’t think I was a maternal person. So at first I was terrified. But then I realized that I was her person.” I checked his face, and he was listening intently. “That sounds like a weird way to put it. But it was me or nobody, and that was bracing…”
Nicole pushed past me and toddled over toward the stuffed dog again.
I realized I was rambling. “I’m not expressing myself well. My brother Damien says that he had to become a soldier before he figured himself out. And for me, it was like taking care of a newborn was my own personal boot camp. I just dug in and learned how everything worked, and I did as good a job as anyone else.”
“I’m sure you did,” he said.
“The thing is—I loved it. She slowed me down. I used to spend time worrying about my lack of direction and all my mistakes. But I don’t anymore. And now I co-own a growing business. Go figure.” I took a breath and realized I’d been talking about myself for a long time now. So I sprang off the couch. “Shall we walk outdoors? It’s a nice day.”
Nicole looked up when I mentioned going outside. She pushed up onto her feet and headed for the door. I followed her and slipped some shoes onto my feet. Then I had a moment of wondering whether I should try to put shoes on Nicole. She’d prefer to be barefoot, and I’d prefer to avoid the wrestling match. But I didn’t want to look like a hick who didn’t dress her child appropriately.
My baby let out an impatient squawk, so I lifted her and decided she didn’t need shoes. “Okay, toots.” I opened the door.
Dave followed me downstairs and outside, where we spotted Benito in the distance, showing Bess the cornerstone of the Gin Mill building, laid in 1804.
“Nice place,” Dave said to break the silence.
“It belongs to my brother, Alec. He opened the bar first. Then Audrey and I opened the coffee shop.”
“Audrey is the blonde?” he asked.
“That’s right,” I said. “She’s my business partner.”
“Is she still dating your ex?”
I looked at him with surprise. “They’re getting married in two weeks. How did you know that?”
“I remember her from the bar, that’s all.” He frowned at me. “So you own a business with your ex’s fiancé?”
“Sure. She’s my best friend now. It’s not weird.” My gaze challenged him to disagree.
His said, Well, okay. If you say so. Out loud he said, “I’m going to pay child support, just as soon as my lawyer educates me on how that all works.”
“Dave,” I argued instinctively. “I didn’t ask you for money.”
“Never said you had. But I can afford it, and there’s no reason for you to object.”
We stopped right there on the lawn, staring each other down. The familiar push and pull of our summer together seemed to have risen up like a spirit between us. I saw the same bossy spark in his eye, and it was so familiar that I couldn’t look away. The masculine curve of his cheekbone. The determined set of his mouth. It was just the same.
And I ached.
“What do you want from me?” I finally asked.
He smiled. “I’m pretty sure that’s my line. Lawyers can only tell me so much. I need to know what you want from me. How I can help you. I have a few ideas, but it’s better if you let me know.”
I turned away, walking slowly toward my brother and Bess again. Nicole had already made it to Benito, her little hand on his knee.
What did I want from Dave? Nothing was the first answer that popped into my head. There were already too many people I owed. My heart was a traitorous bitch, though. If I opened my mouth to say so, the word everything might come tumbling out instead.
And that wasn’t on offer, and never would be.
“I’ll think about it,” I said stiffly. “How long are you in town, anyway?” By which I meant, How often do I have to look at you and try not to remember how good we were together?
“Until the second week of August. Then I go to training camp with my team.”
“Oh. Okay.” Six whole weeks. His offer of child support was something I would have to consider. I shouldn’t turn down the money. Even I wasn’t stubborn enough to refuse a college fund for Nicole.
Yet I wondered why he was so eager to pay, even without being asked. Maybe it was his way of soothing his conscience. If he sent us a check every month, he could tell himself he was a good dad. He could put some distance between us and still hold his head up high.
If that was his plan, I’d just have to be okay with it.
Chapter Sixteen
Dave
I hadn’t meant to get into a big discussion with Zara about money. But I hadn’t known how else to bring it up. She’d pushed back at me as if on instinct. And when I saw the fiery look she gave me, it took me right back.
If we had ever been a couple—a real one—we would probably have been the sort that fights like crazy. If we’d even tried to have a relationship it probably would have flamed out and burnt up within months. Maybe that was a Beringer family trait. All I could remember of my parents together was the yelling, and my mother crying.
Zara fell silent as we grew nearer to her brother and my sister. The baby wandered a few feet away from them. She toddled through the grass, back toward us, her bare feet occasionally tripping her up. But she didn’t seem to mind the occasional stumble. She steadied herself with her hands on the ground, then continued on her way.
Nicole stopped at my feet and put a hand out, steadying herself on my bare knee. I cleared my throat. “Well, hello.”
She didn’t look up, though. I was just a handy balancing place. Her gaze was in the distance.
A moment later, I saw why. A big, muscular dog was sniffing the grass some yards off. Nicole made a squeak of interest. And the dog looked up, lifting its gaze and spotting her.
And then I saw it happen as if in slow motion. The dog stiffened. Then he leaned forward in a burst of speed, running toward the baby.
I didn’t even think. It was just a game-time decision. I bent over and plucked her off the ground. A moment later, I was holding a baby awkwardly by the armpits while an enthusiastic dog stood on his hind legs in front of me, trying to reach her.
Nicole squawked. She was heavier than I’d expected her to be. I lowered her a little ways, tucking her against my body, folding her legs against my chest so they weren’t dangling. My arm shielded her from the damn dog.
At close range, her brown eyes blinked at me, surprised. My own heart sped up as I met my baby’s trusting gaze.
She let out another squeak. It surprised me, and I smiled.
“Rexie, sit!” Zara ordered. “Dave, it’s okay. He won’t hurt her.”
“Seriously?” I looked down at the slobbering beast on the ground. He was alternately sitting down and then popping up to bark.
“He’s my friend Kieran’s dog. He only looks like a beast.”
I hesitated. “He’s not very well-behaved.” What the hell did people want with dogs, anyway?
Bess laughed, and Zara reached for her daughter, lifting the baby out of my arms and then lowering her to the grass. The dog stopped barking immediately. He knocked Nicole right off her feet and then licked her face. The baby retaliated by grabbing his floppy ears with both hands and laughing.
I was still experiencing a fight-or-flight reaction. Dogs bugged the shit out of me.
My sister made a clicking noise with her tongue. “Oh, Davey. Still not over your fear of dogs, huh?”
“They don’t haunt my dreams, Bess,” I grunted. “I just don’t trust them.”
She sighed, patting the spot between my collarbone and my shoulder. “A dog bit him when he was in sixth grade. He has a scar.”
Zara and I locked eyes. And for a second or two we shared a glance of amusement, as we undoubtedly had the same thought—that Zara was acquainted with that scar. I distinctly r
emembered her kissing her way across that shoulder on more than one occasion.
“Oh, Jesus,” Benito said slowly. “The, uh, dog isn’t the real threat right now. Heads up, Z.”
Zara turned to look, and then made an exasperated sound under her breath.
“You want me to head her off?” Benito didn’t wait for an answer. He began jogging toward the parking lot, where a car had just pulled in.
“Too late.” Zara sighed.
A woman in a rather prim sundress got out of the car. She took in Benito and then Zara, raising a hand to wave. Then she started toward the group of us.
Benito headed her off, hugging her and then nudging her back toward the parking lot.
“Something the matter?” Bess asked.
“That’s, uh, my mother,” Zara said. “She doesn’t usually come by on Saturdays. But Benito just got into town last night, and he hasn’t visited her yet.”
“And you haven’t told her that I’d turned up,” I guessed.
Looking guilty, Zara shook her head. “Didn’t quite get around to it. Thought I’d get her drunk first.” She put a hand to her head. “Pretend I didn’t say that. I’m just a little stressed out right now. Alec must have ratted me out.”
“Why don’t Dave and I give you some space?” my sister suggested. “You’ve been very generous with your morning already.”
“That’s nice of you, but she’s already overpowered the family law-enforcement officer.” Zara sighed.
“Mom,” Benito said. “Just give Zara an hour to—”
Mama Rossi wasn’t listening, though. She was already briskly walking in our direction. She lifted her chin in what I was now sure was a genetic Rossi trait and marched right towards me.
“Oh dear,” my sister whispered under her breath.
Zara paled. The only person who was completely and totally at ease was the baby, who was now stroking the dog’s silky ears while the beast panted lazily on its back.
“Zara,” Mrs. Rossi said, somewhat breathlessly. “Is it true that introductions are in order?” Her sharp eyes grazed my sister and landed squarely on yours truly, narrowing as she looked me up and down.
“Mother,” Zara said in a low voice. “I owe you a call, but it’s been a really busy morning. Could we maybe not discuss this right now?” She pointed her gaze down to Nicole.
Mrs. Rossi leaned over and plucked Nicole off the grass. She smoothed down the toddler’s hair and sighed. “Don’t let the dog lick you, sweetie. Yucky.” She tucked the baby on her hip and then she thrust a hand out toward me. “Maria Rossi. I’m Zara’s mother. And you are…?”
I shook her hand. “David Beringer, ma’am. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Although it wasn’t, really. I could only imagine what this woman thought of me. In fact, I’m pretty sure that she summed up my whole life story in one glance. Rough kid. Loner. Not the marrying kind.
Not the fathering kind.
Maria Rossi dropped my hand and whirled on her daughter. “So it’s true?”
“Mom.” Zara’s tone was a warning. She and her mother regarded one another with laser eyes, as if thirty years of strife were ringing between the two of them. Zara had a fiery family. I would have been amused if I weren’t so tense.
“Well,” Zara’s mother said in a tone that indicated she’d just decided something. “He’ll come to Sunday luncheon next weekend. We’ll have a nice opportunity to get to know each other.”
Zara balked. “We don’t know if David is free on Sunday next week.”
“Oh, sure he is,” my sister sang. Of course Bess had to pipe up. “He can make himself available.”
Zara’s eyes flared, and I wondered if a three-way cat fight was out of the question. I hadn’t seen a gaze that murderous even on O’Doul during the playoffs.
“It’s settled, then,” Mrs. Rossi said. “Next Sunday, one o’clock. After church.” She kissed Nicole on the head. Then she thrust the baby into Zara’s arms, turned on her heel, and began to march away. “Benito!” she called. “Come with me.”
Her son hesitated a moment. “I tried,” he said to his sister.
“I know,” Zara grumbled. “Go already.”
When he left, it was just the three of us. No—four. The baby wiggled in Zara’s arms, asking to be let down even though the dog had wandered off.
“I shouldn’t have put my two cents in,” my sister said to Zara. “I’m sorry.”
Zara’s mouth relaxed by a degree. She gave Bess a wry smile, then looked up at me. “You don’t have to come to Sunday lunch. They’re just going to interrogate you.”
“I’m not afraid of your family,” I told her. “If it makes your life easier for me to go, I’ll go. If it makes your life easier if I stay away, then that’s what I’ll do.”
“Hmm. It’s a tough call.”
She set the wriggling baby down, and Nicole took off across the grass. Zara turned to watch her, but Bess said, “I’ve got her,” and followed the baby.
Zara faced me again. “If you show up, they’ll interrogate you. If you don’t show up, they’ll interrogate me. But I’m sort of used to it.”
“Maybe I should just let ’em get all their shots in at once,” I suggested. “It’s okay.”
“It’s your funeral,” she said, and Bess laughed over her shoulder.
It was trippy to be standing in the sunlight with my sister, having a conversation with Zara. My worlds collide. “All right. Where am I meeting you next Sunday at one o’clock?”
“The Rossi Farm, on State Road 17. I’ll text you a picture of the house, okay? GPS would send you to the neighbor’s.”
“All right.”
“And you can still change your mind.” Her eyes wandered to Nicole and Bess, who were admiring some petunias. “Right now I should feed her some lunch.”
“Hey.” I put a hand on her shoulder, and she looked quickly up at me, startled. She felt warm and solid under my hand, and I gave her shoulder a little squeeze. “Hang in there. I’m sorry to cause drama.”
She licked her lips. “I’ve been causing drama my whole life. My mother isn’t wrong about that. Pretty sure this isn’t your fault.”
“Pretty sure it’s both our faults,” I pointed out.
She smiled, and more sparks of our former chemistry leapt between us. That kept happening. The urge to kiss her goodbye was strong. But Bess was watching me, and I didn’t want any more commentary than I was already going to get.
“Later,” I said, giving Zara a quick hug instead. She felt so fucking good that it was torture to release her.
“I’ll text you,” she said, turning away to collect her daughter from Bess.
“You do that.”
We weren’t in the car for twenty seconds before Bess turned to me with a giant smile. “She suits you.”
“What? Babies don’t suit me. You’re high.”
“I wasn’t talking about the baby. Your baby game needs work, for sure. I was talking about Zara. It’s obvious that you two are a good match.”
My snort was loud. “A good match for what? Complicating each other’s lives? Two years ago we had a lot of sex. I don’t know why you’re reading so much into it.”
“How many times have you thought about her since then?”
Well, shit. That question was a big trap. The answer was many, many times. But just because the month I’d spent with Zara had been one of the most erotic times in my entire life, didn’t mean we were soulmates.
“Your silence says everything, big brother.”
“You can draw whatever conclusions you want. And you know I’m going to help her. But I can’t imagine why you’re so quick to assume that this changes anything for me. A week ago you gave me the speech about keeping my head down and focusing on my sport. And I’m good at that. Families are not my expertise. Why would you try to rewrite the script like I’m some Mr. Nice Guy?”
“Anyone can have a family, David. Do you really think it’s not possible for you? You think you’re some k
ind of mutant who could never be half of a couple?”
“Did you miss the part of our lives where our family life was a shit show?” My voice got all high and crazy, but my sister should really know better. “We did not survive that childhood with sunny ideas of family life. I don’t see you settling down. You don’t even date, Bess. Because we both know better than to try.”
My sister made a choking noise. “I rarely date because I’m too busy building my empire to look for Mr. Right! Not because I’m fatally flawed! You really think I can’t attract a well-adjusted guy? Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“It’s not you. That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“The pattern. The history. We grew up assuming that everyone’s mother turned tricks for her next hit. And every father slapped his kids around.”
Bess didn’t say anything for a minute. “I also grew up knowing that brothers were awesome, and that somebody always had my back. I don’t see why you and I shouldn’t end up happy, Davey. We deserve what everyone else has.”
That shut me up, because of course Bess deserved the moon and stars. But our past had left me wondering if there was such a thing as a happy family. And if chasing the illusion only made you into a sucker.
I hated to be a sucker.
“Are you going to meet her family?” Bess asked. “I think it’s important that you show your face. Right now Zara has everything handled, and your daughter is only a baby…”
Your daughter. The words still sounded like a foreign language.
“But meeting the family sets an important precedent. That you won’t duck your responsibility to your child. Who knows what could happen down the road? If Zara hits a patch of trouble, they might need to know who you are.”
“I’ll go,” I said quietly. “I’m not ducking anything.”
She reached over and patted my arm. “I know. I wouldn’t let you, anyway.”