by Jess Buffett
A loud thump banged against the door, and then Dillon’s voice could be heard. “Got some little chicky in there with you, mate? It hurts our feelings that you haven't introduced us.”
Law covered his face with his hands as though that would somehow make them disappear.
“Law—” I started only for the younger man to cut me off with a hiss. Frowning, I tilted my head to the side, silently questioning him.
Law approached me slowly, leaning into whisper. “Just stay here okay. I’ll get rid of them.”
I nodded, taking a seat on the bed and watched him tug on a pair of pants before slipping out the door and closing it firmly behind him.
“What the fuck are you guys doing here?” I heard him ask, his tone harsh and accusing.
Silence met him for a moment. Then Dillon spoke up. “Sheesh. What crawled up your arse? We came to see what the hell was going on. You’ve been skipping out a lot lately, and then we found out that you had another room here in the hotel. So call us curious, we came to check it out.”
“Curiosity killed the cat,” Law muttered.
Curiosity indeed, I found myself stepping closer to the door, pressing my ear up against the dark mahogany, in hopes of hearing more.
“Seriously though, what’s up?” That had to be Alec, the one voice I wasn’t completely familiar with.
“Nothing. Just, can you guys go?”
“What, leave before you introduce us to the beauty that has finally captured your attention? I think not,” Dillon answered, and I could practically hear his grin. “Unless … ya know, she’s not the easy on the eyes, in which case it’s all good. Looks aren’t everything you know. It's what’s on the inside that counts.”
Someone snorted.
“I’ll be sure to tell Ashlyn you said that, mate,” Zeck added with a chuckle. “Listen, maybe we should go, give them their privacy.”
“H-how do you even know I have someone here?”
Even I rolled my eyes at Law’s stupid question. God, the man could be an idiot.
“Ah, you mean apart from the fact that you’re covered in hickeys the size of Europe and you’re acting like the guard dog to the motherfucking queen’s bedroom?” Dillon replied incredulously. “Back me up, Zeck.”
“Oh hell no. I’ve know you two long enough to know that back me up, Zeck, is two seconds away from shut the hell up, Zeck, who asked you?”
A bubble of laughter burst through my lips at that, and I didn’t have enough time to cover my mouth to muffle the sound. Shit.
“Ah, Law?”
Law sighed loud enough that I could hear him through the door. “Okay, yes, someone is in there. Yes, I have been spending time with them. I’d like to spend more time with them. The last two weeks have been amazing, and I would appreciate it if you guys didn’t fuck this up for me. Happy?”
My heart skipped a beat at Law’s words. The man sounded so honest and open that for the first time I seriously believed Law might be ready. I tried not to get my hopes up, but Law had never come so close to telling the others the truth before. Maybe this was it?
“Extremely.” There was no doubt in my mind that Dillon was leering. “So, can we meet her?”
I waited for Law to speak up and correct Dillon, to tell him there was no her. I should have seen it coming, though.
Law laughed. “Nah, not yet. She’s super shy, and things are only just starting to get serious. You know what girls are like. Have to get the feelings talk out of the way first.”
His response was met with laughter even as I felt like I had just been hit in the gut with a cricket bat.
“Law.” Zeck’s tone held a wealth of censor that would have surprised me more had I not felt so completely torn apart.
Having heard enough I pulled myself away from the door and threw the rest of my clothes on. I couldn’t believe how stupid I had been. Christ, what had I honestly expected? Too much clearly.
I paced the room for a second before thinking, fuck it, and stormed to the door. I knew the moment I opened it and stepped out that Law’s whole world would quite possibly come crashing down, but given the aching pain currently coursing through me at that moment, I didn’t care.
Grabbing the rest of my belongings I reached for the handle, turning it and tugging it opened. The group had still been talking, but the moment the others saw me, silence fell, awkward and uncomfortable.
In front of me Law’s shoulders tensed, and I braced myself.
Well, here goes everything.
****
Law
Turning around I was momentarily stunned to see a completely dressed Byron standing in the doorway of the bedroom. He stared at me, apprehension clouding his handsome features, and my stomach churned.
He had heard.
“Byron.”
“Holy shit,” sounded behind me, but I ignored it, focused on the man before me.
“Byron, is everything okay?” I asked tentatively, unsure if I really wanted him to answer given his expression.
“No. No, it isn’t.” Sadness dimmed his usually bright blue eyes. Shaking his head, Byron moved to stand in front of me. The stiffness in his shoulders belied the calm tone in which he spoke. “I’m sorry, Law. I thought I could do this, but it was a mistake.”
His words slammed into me with such force I almost stumbled. This couldn’t be happening.
“What? Why? Byron, jus—” Aware that I was all out begging in front of my band-mates, I paused, which just served to aggravate Byron more.
“I can’t pretend, Law,” Byron said, cutting me off and raising his voice slightly at the end. “This isn’t me. I’m not this person. Lying, hiding. I’ve done that. I fought so hard to not have to be that person, and here I am jumping right back into that closet with you? I can’t. I won’t.”
I fought for control, so many words and accusations wanting bubbling inside me. Byron had known what he was getting into. I had not hidden the fact that I wasn’t out, wasn’t ready to be. I had never lied to him. And now he had just outed me to the entire group.
“Are you serious right now?” I asked, somewhat bewildered and extremely pissed off.
“If you want to be with me, Law, then no hiding, no lying.”
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
“So this is an ultimatum then. Come out to the world, or we’re done? Is that it?”
“Oh, for Christ's sake, Law. You make it sound like a death sentence.”
“For me it may as well be.”
“Don’t be so bloody dramatic.”
Oh, if he wanted dramatic, I’d fucking give it to him.
“Dramatic? This is my career, my life. Everything I’ve worked so hard for, and you're asking me to throw it all away after a couple of weeks together. Which one of us exactly is being dramatic here?”
Byron sighed irritably. “It won’t end your career, Law.”
“You don’t know that,” I all but shouted.
How could he not see the damage this could cause? And it wasn’t just me I had to think about. The scandal my coming out might cause could ruin the guys as well, that’s if they even wanted to speak to me after this. And that thought killed me. They weren’t just my band-mates or my friends. They were my family.
Even as I explained all of this to Byron, it was obvious he either didn’t understand, or didn’t want to. And I wasn’t sure which hurt more.
“Maybe you’re right,” I whispered, my voice cracking slightly. “Maybe this just isn’t going to work.”
I saw the moment all the fight left Byron, and my heart ached at the utter defeat we both exuded.
“Then I guess there is nothing else to say.”
I knew that was a lie. We both did. There was plenty that should be said, so much that needed to be, but neither one of us were going to be the one to break this awkward and heartbreakingly painful standoff we were in.
I watched in silence as Byron moved passed me and to the door. I couldn’t even bring myself to turn arou
nd as I heard the main door open and close, like a final nail in the coffin of what might have been the best thing I could have ever had.
Part of me was screaming to race after him, tell him how sorry I was, that I would do anything to make this thing between us work. All the while the more cynical, more rational part of myself was demanding I not be an idiot, that I was already lying if I truly thought I’d be willing to do anything. Wasn’t that the whole point of what had just happened? I wasn’t prepared to give it my all, to sacrifice everything.
I honestly didn’t know who was right and who was wrong between us. I just knew how utterly miserable I now felt. And I wasn’t sure if it was worth it.
“Holy shit,” Dillon whispered again, and it was all I could do not to crumble right in front of them.
“Yeah,” I responded, tone void of any and all emotion. I still couldn’t force myself to turn around and face them, but that didn’t matter when all three of them came to me.
The first touch of a gentle and reassuring hand shocked me, and I turned to look at Dillon, concern marring his friend’s features. “I want to ask you if you’re okay, but I know that’s stupid right now. So … do you need anything?”
I blinked at him. “What?”
“Do you need anything?” Dillon repeated himself, shooting a look at Zeck. “You think he’s in shock? Is that a thing that can happen when you jump out of the closet?”
Zeck snorted. “I think it was more the tumbling out forcibly and having his heart ripped open that’s left him this way.”
“You with us, mate?” Alec asked tentatively.
My gaze darted back and forth among the three of them, leaving me shaking my head. “You’re not … mad? Disgusted? Something?”
“Seriously?” Dillon seemed outraged and extremely pissed at the question. “You think any of us would give a fuck? What kind of friends do you take us for?”
“Dillon,” Alec began, but the man cut him off, and I didn’t try to stop.
“No, fuck that shit.” Dillon glared at me, and I could read the hurt behind his mask of fury. “I’m not a bad person. I’m not. Why would you think, for even a second, I could ever turn my back on you?”
I gaped at him. “Is that what you think? That I think that badly of you?”
“Well, don’t you?” he snapped at me.
I shook my head. “God no. It wasn’t about any of you, it was about me. I … I didn’t … you have to believe that.”
Panic whirled inside me as I pleaded for them to understand. Dillon seemed to understand this, and most of the fight left him.
“Please don’t hate me?” I whispered, knowing I couldn’t handle that on top of everything else.
“Hate you? We don’t hate you, you moron. Worried ‘bout ya, sure, but none of that other shit,” Dillon replied. “Did you really think we’d be anything but supportive? I mean, fuck, it’s a shock, but…”
Zeck stepped closer and laid a hand on my other shoulder supportively. “We’re good, Law. More worried about you right now.”
“Why don’t you seem so surprised?” Dillon abruptly asked Zeck. “You’re not, are you?”
Shaking his head, Zeck frowned, his long hair falling into his face. “Not really, but that’s not what is important right now.”
“He’s right,” Alec interjected. “Come on. Why don’t we all take a seat and you can explain things to us. Properly, from the beginning.”
“The beginning?” I laughed, sounding a little hysterical. “We’ll be here all day.”
Dillon frowned as he led me to the couch and sat down next to me on it. “How long has this been going on?”
“You mean Byron, or the whole gay thing?”
“Both,” Dillon replied simply.
“That’s the thing. Knowing I’m gay and being crazy about Byron has pretty much been as long as each other.”
“Come again?” This time Zeck actually did seem surprised.
I sighed, staring at all of them. I felt lighter than I had in a long time in the face of their unflinching acceptance, but the thought of Byron marred any positivity. With a steady breath, I steeled myself and nodded.
“All right, lads. You want it from the beginning, then let me tell you a story about what happened on our last day of high school.”
And that was how I revealed everything.
Chapter Five
Law
“I really don’t think it’s working, ay?” Alec said, his strumming of his guitar coming to an abrupt stop.
“Try a different chord,” Zeck offered with a shrug.
“It’s not the music, it’s the bloody lyrics,” I snapped, chucking my pen and paper to the ground. All the lines I had written on it were worthless anyway. We had been spending days in and out of the studio coming up with new tracks. A few had been pretty decent, but for the most part they had all felt like they were lacking something to me.
“Got something to offer then?” Dillon asked, his eyebrow quirking up in question at my behavior.
I gritted my teeth. “Not like I’m not trying.”
Dillon glanced at the others then back at me, just irritating me more. “What gives with you lately?”
I glared at him. “Don’t know what you mean.”
“Mate, you’ve been pissy for a few weeks now. I thought all was good, ya know. You had seemed a little happier at least. Then all of a sudden you're going off your trolley and no one is safe.”
Rolling my eyes, I flipped him off. “Oh belt up. I haven’t been that bad.”
“Yeah, you have,” Alec said, interrupting us.
Staring at them, I eventually looked over at Zeck, who hadn’t said anything yet. “Do you agree?”
Zeck shrugged but otherwise didn’t answer.
Miserable, annoyed, and completely uninterested in getting into another tiff with the boys, I stood up and left the room we had all gathered in to get some work done. Walking the halls of the studio, I found an empty room off to the left and ducked inside, sinking down onto the couch and letting my head fall into my hands.
“You gotta stop, mate.”
My head shot up, and I sent a confused look at Zeck, who had slipped into the room without me realizing. In his hand I noticed he carried a bag of chips. “What?”
Zeck made his way over to me, dropping down onto the couch in a lazy sprawl. “I said you gotta stop.”
“And I said … what?” a bit back with frustration, snatching the bag of chips out of his hand and eating some, pulling a face at the salt and vinegar taste. “And who the bloody hell did you filch these from? They’re disgusting.”
“Then don’t eat them,” Zeck snapped, taking them back from me. “And don’t ignore what I said.”
I knew what he meant even if I didn’t want to acknowledge the truth. I had let the others think that I was okay, that I didn’t spend every waking moment thinking about Byron. About Byron and that guy. But that was the thing about Zeck. He was loud and proud, and the joker of the group, but at times there was this intense silence about him. He saw more than he let on, and he cared more than he implied.
The others didn’t always notice, and maybe it was only because I spent so much time hiding myself, that I saw it, too.
“You have to stop pretending you’re okay.” When I went to deny anything, he cut me off with a wave of his hand. “Shit, Law. We’re past denials. You can’t say it out loud to me or the rest of the lads then fine, but I can see it eating you up inside. I’ve seen it since that morning Byron left. I saw it get worse a few weeks ago after we made the trip to see our parents back home.”
I bit my lip, groaning at how transparent I had been. “I saw Byron at the cafe I went to before meeting up with you lot again. And he wasn’t alone.”
Zeck had the decency to wince. “Ah, man, I’m sorry. Really. Doesn't mean you can keep going the way you’re going though. I get it, okay. I get being so used to hiding a part of yourself, even when you don’t have to anymore. The anger that comes with
it. I also know what it's like to not have what you want, and the frustration you feel for it.”
Zeck gave me a moment to let that all sink in, and I knew he was right. He understood what it was like to want and not have. Knew what it meant to have a part of yourself that was private, secret. He also knew what it was like to have that side of him exposed, and somehow, Zeck had come out on top.
Could it really be that easy?
As if reading the question in my eyes, Zeck nodded. “It’s no walk in the park, and there are days you want to curl in a ball and stay safely tucked away in your bed. I’m not gonna sugarcoat this for ya.”
“So how do you get through it?”
At that, the man smiled. “You ask yourself if it’s worth it. And as long as you can always answer yes, then you make it through.”
Biting down hard on my lip, I considered his words. Was it worth it? Was Byron worth it?
I knew the answer already. Yes. Always.
“I have to go,” I said abruptly, standing a reaching for my things.
Zeck chuckle. “Thought ya might say that.”
I checked the clock and saw it was only midday. By the time I reached Yorkshire, Byron would be close to finishing up classes for the day. If I managed it right, I might even catch him in the music room. A grin tugged at the corner of my mouth. Wouldn’t that just be the most appropriate place to beg him for another chance?
Stopping just before I opened the door, I turned to my friend. “Thanks, Zeck. I know it's not easy tamping down your sarcasm, but when you do, you’re pretty damn hardcore, mate.”
With a glare, Zeck flipped him off. “Beat it, Przemyslaw. Before I announce a press conference for the sole purpose of revealing your real name.”
“Bitch.”
“Jerk.”
****
Byron
As I finished writing the weekend's homework assignment on the board I heard the whispering of my senior class pick up. Frowning, I turned, my gaze catching on a figure standing just outside my classroom door.
Law.
The younger man waved to me, and I stood there, too stunned to respond. What was he doing there? I hadn’t seen or heard from him in almost three months.