All their liaison had probably been about for a dedicated commitment-phobe like Blaise was great sex.
Shockwaves of distress and pain rolled sickeningly through her. With her hands shaking, she put down the sheaf of paper she had just printed out to add to the small growing pile on the desk that was the play, then opened the door to step out into the adjoining office.
Having finished his phone conversation, Blaise glanced up and saw her. He was dressed in his trademark black again, the sombre colour somehow rendering him impossibly charismatic, adding a hint of seductive danger to good-looks that were already off-the-scale compelling. It also highlighted the dazzling glints of gold in his hair and the intense Mediterranean blue of his eyes. The quick, easy smile on his handsome face all but broke Maya’s heart.
‘I’m—I’m up to date with the typing and printing out,’ she told him, desperately trying to control the quaver in her voice. ‘I’d like to get a breath of fresh air now, if you don’t mind?’
Eyes narrowing, Blaise got up and walked round the desk to join her. ‘Is everything all right?’
‘Of course.’
‘Maya?’ he pressed, clearly not believing her.
Twisting her hands in front of her, she suddenly couldn’t contain the pain that was tearing her up inside and sensed it helplessly spill over.
‘I was just wondering if I’d outstayed my welcome…if it wasn’t time for some other “pretty and obliging” woman to replace me?’
The colour drained from his face. ‘I was talking to my agent…you were listening to that?’
‘Not intentionally.’ She lifted her chin. ‘I was about to come and tell you that I needed to get out for a while and inadvertently I heard you talking. It wasn’t easy to hear…what you said, I mean…but I’m glad I heard you say it all the same. It was the wake-up call I needed. I’d rather dangerously started to fool myself about us, you see.’
‘What about us?’
Did she imagine it, or was there suddenly a steely undertone to his voice? A firming of the fortress he had already built around his heart to keep out would-be threats to his emotions? Her spirits sank even lower.
‘We’re more than just two people working together—we’ve become lovers. I know I said I only wanted an affair, but naively I started to think that after enjoying intimacy together night after night it might make you want something a bit more. I thought that things had been progressing a little deeper between us than my just being your temporary assistant and bedmate.’
‘You do mean more to me than that, Maya…much more. You’re an exceptional and beautiful woman, and I find myself in awe of what you’ve had to overcome in life to even get this far. I couldn’t have accomplished what I’ve done so far on the play without you, and—’
‘Let me finish.’ She folded her arms across her chest, and her hurt glance was withering. ‘And my contribution has been invaluable? Was that what you were going to say next? For God’s sake, you make me sound like some naïve little schoolgirl who should be grateful for every crumb of praise and attention you deign to throw my way!’
‘As wonderful as it’s been, I thought you knew—thought you realised that even though we’re sleeping together this isn’t going to be a permanent situation.’
Blaise’s words fell on the air like daggers, slicing Maya in two. Lifting the heavy weight of her dark hair off the back of her neck, she pursed her lips, fielding the waves of pain that made her whole body tremble with distress.
‘Sometimes a situation can change from—from what you expected into something else…something even better…if you let it…’ she offered quietly.
When Blaise’s intense examination of her turned into the deepest frown, making her sense both his regret and frustration that she was instigating a situation he was clearly uncomfortable with and probably deplored, a shattering moment of shocking self-discovery assailed her. She was no different from her father…for she too had become an addict. Yes, she’d become addicted to a man who clearly only wanted her for the pleasure her body could give him—and even that for just a brief time. For, after she’d gone, Maya was certain it wouldn’t be long before Blaise found himself another ‘adoring and willing’ woman to warm his bed.
Because she had this terrible aching need to experience real love from a man she’d allowed herself to be seduced by him—even when in her heart she’d always known their liaison was doomed not to last. And when he had shown such depth of understanding and compassion towards her after hearing about her difficult and painful past, she’d fooled herself into believing that he must really care for her. That was why his announcement that he’d thought she knew their relationship was not destined to last had struck her like a hammer-blow. What a blind fool she’d been! How could she once more have made the same destroying mistake in a relationship? Would she ever be able to trust her instincts again? Swallowing hard, Maya knew all she could do right then was think about leaving and chalk up her experience as another painful dalliance with the universally recognised school of hard knocks.
‘Maya, listen…’ Blaise was saying. ‘You deserve the best man that’s out there. Someone who can be the real hero I sense you need. But that man isn’t me.’ Regretfully he shook his head, dropping his hands in a futile gesture to his arrow-straight hips. ‘I don’t want you to go, and I’m not looking to replace you with anyone else—I swear it. But neither do I want to lead you on and make you hope for something that I’m just not in a position to deliver.’
‘Because you refuse to let a woman get close enough to even try? What you’re telling me is that you’d rather just “adore” as many women as possible and let the chance or possibility of something more enduring…something more meaningful…pass you by? That sounds like a pretty lonely, not to mention empty existence to me, if you don’t mind my saying so. Not that you give a damn what I think! And by the way…you’ve got me all wrong.’
With her heart pounding loud enough in her chest for her to hear every unhappy beat, Maya squared up to Blaise without flinching.
‘I’m not looking for a hero. All I want is a man who’s willing to spend the rest of his life with me because he loves me. I’m not looking for perfection. Just someone a little flawed, like myself, who’ll be as accepting of my less than perfect qualities as I would be of his. We’d work together to try and overcome them. And finally I want someone who doesn’t believe the grass is greener somewhere else—who is happy with what he already has. I want a man with the innate capacity to be loyal, as I would be loyal to him. I’m going out for that walk in the fresh air now, and when I get back I’ll be packing my bags.
She turned at the door, jerking her head towards the office she’d been occupying. ‘By the way, you’ll find the work I did this morning on my desk. You’ll have to hire somebody else to type out the rest, but I’m sure as long as she does what you want, is easy on the eye and obliging, you’ll hardly even notice that it’s not me!’
New York, six weeks later
‘Want to go for a beer or a cocktail somewhere?’ Shrugging into his cashmere coat in the theatre foyer, amid the crush of well-wishers and the congratulatory smiles of satisfied patrons, critics and colleagues, Blaise felt distinctly uneasy as his diminutive agent gave him one of her slow ‘I’ve got you taped’ assessing glances.
‘That lonely apartment you’ve been living in for the past month getting to you already?’ she probed, her small, cropped blonde head erect, hazel eyes narrowed like a cat about to pounce on some poor unsuspecting mouse.
‘I can get as much company as I need whenever I choose,’ he snapped back, glancing round as a pretty redhead squeezed deliberately by him—one of the ensemble actresses in the production—giving him both a coy and invitational smile before reluctantly disappearing through the rotating theatre doors when he didn’t respond.
‘That’s hardly in dispute, darling,’ Jane replied, eyes rolling. The edges of her scarlet painted mouth softened somewhat. ‘But when your mind is fixed o
n one particular person’s company alone not even Angelina Jolie herself could fill the gap. Heard from her at all since you came to New York…? Your sad-eyed raven-haired little temporary assistant, I mean?’
‘No.’ Appalled at how bleak he sounded, Blaise shifted from one lean hip to the other. ‘She has no idea that I left the UK a month ago. But then why should she? After she left I didn’t keep in contact. It was only after spending two impossible weeks in Northumberland trying to work on that damn play alone that I decided I finally couldn’t stand it and came here.’
Reaching for his usual acerbic humour to deflect any further near-the-knuckle questions from Jane, he defensively squared his jaw.
‘Are you thirsty or aren’t you? Even the most faded blooms appreciate the odd drink of water to stop them from shrivelling up and dying, so I’m told!’
She whacked him with her shiny patent leather designer handbag—hard.
The foyer had emptied quickly, and outside on the sidewalk umbrellas were hurriedly opening to face the downpour that was spilling from the skies onto the somewhat chilly New York night.
‘Faded bloom, my backside! At least I’m going back to my hotel to the man I’ve been married to for twenty years and who still thinks I hung the moon! Whereas you…’
Rubbing his arm where she’d hit him, Blaise scowled. ‘Whereas I am apparently destined to walk into the sunset alone…boo-hoo. No doubt you think I deserve it.’ He shook his head as if to shake off the deepening sense of gloom that made him feel heavy as concrete.
For six long weeks he hadn’t even had the guts to pick up the phone and speak to Maya, let alone beg her forgiveness…which was exactly what he should have done. Instead he’d let her leave, as if she was as dispensable and replaceable as one of the stack of inexpensive pens he kept in his desk drawer. He either had to face the fact that he was too scared to overcome the childhood fears his family life had left him with, give them up and move on—or realise that he was a genuine twenty-four-carat bastard who seriously needed the help of a good psychologist. All he knew was that nothing meant anything to him any more since he’d let Maya go…not even his work. Including the play that was currently setting Broadway alight after just two nights.
‘Seriously, I could do with a couple of drinks, and I don’t want to drink alone tonight. You’re about the only one I know who’ll talk straight to me and isn’t after something… I make no apology for my cynicism, but I do ask your forgiveness for any unkind remarks I may have made earlier. I was actually quite pleased when you rang me to say you were coming over here for a short visit to see how the play was doing. Can you forgive me for my previous bad manners?’
‘Sure I can. Lucky for you I was born with such a sweet nature.’ Latching onto his arm, Jane reached up on her four-inch stiletto heels and planted a noisy smacker on his cheek. ‘Plus I never could resist a handsome well-spoken man when he grovels so nicely!’
‘I’m not grovelling, so don’t get too carried away. I still only tolerate you because you’re my agent.’
‘Yeah, and next week they’re crowning me the Queen of England!’
‘No, no, no, Maya, querida! Let me get that. You mustn’t lift heavy things now, remember?’
Straightening up from the box of crockery she’d just been about to lift onto the granite worktop of her new flat’s kitchen, Maya glanced at her helpful friend Diego with a mixture of exasperation and gratitude. Sturdily built, with the shoulders of a flanker in a rugby team, the Spaniard had practically single-handedly packed and moved the contents of her old studio flat to her new two-bedroom abode down the road in Kensal Rise.
Never mind his usually macho sensibilities—he’d been like the proverbial mother hen round Maya ever since she’d confided to him that she was pregnant. Although not before he’d furiously vowed to ‘rough up’ the ne’er do well who had thoughtlessly got her in the family way, leaving her to face the prospect of motherhood on her own. When he’d told her that his aunt had a house in Kensal Rise that she rented out, and that the ground-floor flat had recently become vacant, Maya had increased her working hours for the temp agency to meet the new rent, and had even been putting a little by towards the day when she would have to give up her job completely to take care of her baby.
‘I’m not going to harm myself if I lift a few light boxes, Diego!’ she chided her friend, wincing as he deposited the full-to-the-brim cardboard box onto the counter with a little too much gusto and she heard something inside rattle alarmingly. ‘I’m only eight weeks pregnant, and I don’t even show yet.’
The Spaniard’s dark brown eyes visibly softened as they moved down to Maya’s still flat belly beneath her loose white shirt and faded jeans.
‘Yet the fact is that you are growing a little one inside you who needs you to be careful and not take unnecessary risks that could harm him or his mother.’
‘You know what, Diego?’ Her lips tugging upwards in an affectionate smile, exasperation forgotten, Maya touched her palm gently to his roughened cheek. ‘One of these days, when you meet the right woman, you’re going to be the best father in the whole wide world.’
‘And if my wife is as good and beautiful as you, Maya, I will be the happiest man in the whole wide world too!’ His pleased grin was quickly followed by a concerned frown. ‘Does that crazy, irresponsible man of yours even know what he has done? What he has so foolishly given up?’
Maya flinched, her heart and stomach turning over at the thought of Blaise—at her profound longing to see him again, and at the dreadful hurt and sense of rejection she’d experienced when she’d had to walk away from him in Northumberland and go home. Acute apprehension also deluged her at the prospect of telling him she was pregnant with his child. She’d read in the papers that for the past few weeks he’d been in New York, overseeing the London play that had transferred there. But sooner or later he would be home again, and Maya would have to tell him her news.
After the initial great shock of discovering her condition, she’d been consumed with instant love and strong feelings of protection towards her unborn infant. In her eyes it was an utter miracle, and she felt truly blessed. Even though it wasn’t the future she’d dreamed of…to raise a child alone. But how would Blaise react to the news? Would he be angry or deadly calm? Would he reject the reality of her pregnancy completely and deny all responsibility? Or would he want to take charge and calmly make arrangements for the baby’s future like some distant, remote stranger, displaying no love or concern for the child’s welfare whatsoever?
‘He—he’s not a man that finds commitment easy, Diego. I think something must have happened when he was young to make him fear it somehow, but he won’t discuss it. I told you that. And, to be fair, I guessed that even before I—before we—’ She blushed hotly. ‘It’s unfortunate, but I’m sure when he hears the news he’ll want to do the right thing all the same.’
‘And if he does not,’ Diego growled crossly, folding his arms across his ample chest in his treasured FC Barcelona T-shirt, ‘as God is my witness he will have to answer to me!’
Hawk’s Lair, Northumberland
His eyes glued to the details of the art auction, and the brief words about it at the beginning of the newspaper article, Blaise sucked in a deep breath, heavily blowing it out again as he tried to get his head round what he’d just read.
‘Would you like some more coffee, my dear?’ Lottie was hovering beside him, keeping one eye on the sizzling pan of bacon and eggs she was cooking for his breakfast on the stove as well as stealing a curious glance over his shoulder at what he was reading.
‘Yes… I mean no, thanks. I’ve got to go and make a phone call. Excuse me.’
‘What about your breakfast?’ the housekeeper exclaimed, her voice dismayed as Blaise shot out of his chair and strode to the door.
‘Sorry, Lottie… I’ve got far more important things to think about this morning. Give it to Tom. I’m sure he’d welcome a second breakfast!’
CHAPTER TWELVE<
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WHEN the phone call came to an end Maya had to sit down, because her legs were shaking so much. She’d scribbled something down on the notepad she now gripped between her hands like a life-raft, and, staring down at what she’d written, she felt a hundred differing emotions storm through her like a cyclone. There was a burning sensation behind the backs of her eyelids, and suddenly tears were sliding and slipping down her cheeks in a hot stream. Not troubling to wipe them away, she slowly moved her head from side to side, as regret and a sadness almost too hard to bear welled up inside her.
‘It’s time to say goodbye,’ she whispered brokenly, ‘but I promise I’ll never forget you.’
A minute later she got up, put on her trench-coat because outside it had started to rain, locked the door, and then walked rapidly down the street towards the bus stop to catch a bus that would drop her off near Diego’s place.
Today was the beginning of a whole new life for her after what she’d just heard, and she needed to share her hopes and fears for the future with a friend…a good friend.
It was late in the afternoon by the time Maya got to Camden. The sky had darkened early because of the storm clouds that had gathered overhead, and most of the shoppers were heading homewards. Diego’s distinct, brightly painted coffee bar, with its blue-and-white neon sign flickering in the window, was almost empty. The man himself was behind the counter, avidly scanning the sports page in a newspaper, while his young assistant Maria was busy wiping down tables. He glanced up in delight when he heard the bell over the door jangle and saw who it was.
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