With the clicking of my door, the hold my teeth had on my lip slipped, releasing it all. The hurt, the disbelief, the actual shattering of my gray heart piece by piece, it all fell from my eyes leaving salty pools on my lips. The sting of the fresh wounds from my teeth would never be enough.
Every day since that night has been Groundhog day. I woke up, I painted, I forced myself to eat, I painted, I avoided everyone, and I painted. As much as I felt the urge to paint him, I didn’t. I was too hurt to give him that part of myself anymore. Instead, I focused on more paintings for the possible hotel deal Bia told me about. She got in touch with me earlier this week and said the owner of The Bay hotel, one of the classiest in downtown San Diego, wanted to see a few more of my paintings focusing on the area before making a decision.
Each one that I had completed was a welcome distraction from Wes. The Spanish tile from Old Town kept me from checking my phone. A flame from a gas lamp reminded me how much his words burned, and the light from Cabrillo Monument filled my head with his voice telling me that I would find my way.
Okay, distraction wasn’t working in my favor, which was probably why I had my room covered in every single item of clothing I owned. Nothing felt right. I couldn’t find the right outfit to say ‘Hey, you may have stomped all over my heart, but I’m better than ever.’ It was a lie. He stomped my heart and crumbled my soul along with it.
I settled on a pair of black lacy shorty shorts and a white button up tailored boyfriend shirt with the top three buttons undone. I fluffed my hair in the mirror and puckered my lips with the latest swipe of lip-gloss. There I was, done up to blend in. I thought to quickly tie my hair into a loose bun and wipe off the gloss but forced my feet to vacate my bedroom. I had a bachelorette party to get to, and dammit, I was going to have fun.
“They had to choose a dance club, didn’t they?” Lennon complained, walking with me up to the entrance.
“You’re the one who told them Tommy’s was lame,” I reminded her.
“I hate dancing.” She handed her ID to the bouncer.
“So, don’t dance.” I gave him mine next and winced a smile at him when he blatantly checked me out.
“So what’s going on with you?” she shouted above the bass of the music. I shrugged. It was much too loud for me to explain what was going on with Wes and me. I didn’t want to talk about that here anyway. Tonight was about August and Kensie not about Wes and me.
We weaved our way in and out of the writhing bodies flashing in the lights. I spotted August and Kensie in the distance cuddled up on a white couch. No Wes.
“The mistress of ceremonies has arrived,” Lennon announced, parading into the VIP area. I followed giving Kensie and my brother each a hug.
“You look amazing,” I told Kensie, pulling away and admiring her mini skirt paired with a loose, jeweled tank.
“So do you.” She grinned and picked up a bottle of tequila on the table. “We have bottle service. What will it be?” she asked pouring more than a few shots into a glass.
“Um, more than just tequila, please?” I laughed. “Add something to that, will you?”
“Boo!” Lennon shouted grabbing the glass from my hand and downing it. All.
“Looks like we’ll cab it home.” I laughed and poured myself a glass of vodka and cranberry.
Not more than an hour later, Kensie and August were wrapped up in each other’s arms on the dance floor, and Lennon was rocking out in her own world in our lounge area. I guess tequila brought out her repressed love of dancing.
Wes still wasn’t anywhere in sight. I’d taken my place on the white couch slowly sipping on the drink I’d first poured. “Come on. Let’s dance.” Lennon grabbed my hand and tried tugging me up from the sofa. I shook my head and resisted, sitting further back into the couch. She gave up quickly and continued shaking her hips with her arms in the air and her drink spilling from her hand.
I had heard him before I saw him. His laugh boomed through the bass of the music straight to the anxious place in my stomach. How lovely for him to be able to laugh.
I scanned the room with my eyes only. I caught sight of him off near the bar. His jubilance mocked me in tiny snapshots between the flashing of lights. Talking with a group of people I didn’t know. Laughing. Waving his hands around in an animated story. Laughing.
I pinched my eyes together willing away the ache in my head brought on by the strobe lights. “Everything okay?” August sat down on the couch next to me watching the same thing I was.
“Yeah,” I lied. This was August’s night, and I didn’t want him mad at his best friend.
“Doesn’t look okay,” he called me on my fib and poured us each a drink.
“It’s just an argument, August. Not a big deal. We’re fine.” I coughed on the burn of the alcohol in my throat after a sip.
“You’re my sister, Capri. If he does, or is currently doing, anything that hurts you, I’ve got it.” He nodded at me to make sure I understood where his loyalty lay.
“Thank you.” I nodded toward Wes. “It’s fine, though. We’ll get it sorted out.” As much as Wes had actually hurt me, I didn’t want to take my brother from him. When he decided to deal with his pain, I needed August to be there for him.
“You’ve been challenged to a dare.” Lennon waltzed up and pointed an unsteady finger at me.
“Nope.” I sat back into the couch crossing my arms over my chest.
“You should know by now that Capri won’t answer any dares.” August laughed.
“Oh, maybe not by me, but I know one person she will always rise to the occasion for.” Crap.
“C’mon, C,” Wes waved me over but smiled at the air. “You and me, body shot.”
My eyes flew open. “Excuse me?” I asked shuddering at the sudden increase in my heart rate. There was no way I could let Wes that close to me in front of all these people.
“Fine.” He threw his arms up in the air. “I guess she doesn’t like a challenge.” Wes spoke to Lennon and I saw red, or what I imagined red would look like. Right now, it looked a lot like me kicking Wes square in the nuts.
“Outta my way,” I said shoving myself up from the safety of the couch and marching myself past him. I ignored his sharp intake of breath when I intentionally rubbed my arm against the crotch of his pants. Take that, heartbreaker.
I was all fired up on sass until the moment I laid on the bar top with my stomach exposed and Wes standing over me. The closeness of him after days of nothing was painful at best. I silently willed myself to melt into the wood below me.
The bartender handed me a shot glass that I held between my lips, but the quiver of my breathing sloshed some if the tequila down my chin and neck.
“Here we go, Capri.” Wes leaned down and whispered to me, but I refused to look at him, closing my eyes at the touch of his breath.
Even with his warning, the tickle of the salt caused my eyes to snap open and connect with his. His eyes smoldered down at me as he dragged the shaker from my waistline to my breastbone. He lifted the shaker from my body and dragged his tongue over his bottom lip. I mindlessly felt my own tongue swipe warmly across my lips. His eyes darted to my mouth, and he sucked his lip between his teeth roughly. I remembered the feeling of skin between those teeth and felt the familiar tingle between my thighs.
“It’s hot in here,” I heard Lennon joke to the side, but my attention was focused solely on latching onto this moment. After days of not having any sort of contact with Wes, I felt starved for anything from him, and the promise of his physical touch had me salivating.
He lowered his head and my body recognized the exact moment his tongue met my skin. My skin prickled, reaching out to grab more of the heat it brought. My insides tightened in tiny pulses that followed the path of his tongue up my stomach. My soul was coming back to life.
“Now, that’s a body shot!” the bartender cheered, egging on the bystanders. The shouts and cheers snapped me back into the club where I was lying on top of a bar. As
Wes’ tongue neared my chest, I planted my hands on the wood, palms down, getting ready to bolt.
With the disconnection between his mouth and my skin, I lifted up, only for his mouth connecting with my neck to shove me back down. He licked, sucked, and the bit the tequila that had spilled. My knees pulled together, hiding the emptiness inside. Then he was gone.
“Whew.” Lennon sighed, and that was enough to prompt me into motion. As a wave of humiliation washed over me, I pushed myself up quickly and raced toward the exit before realizing my feet were moving. I couldn’t believe I had caved to his touch. Stupid. I was so stupid to let him affect me to the point of absorbing every ounce of him.
I fled to the rooftop where we had secured a poolside cabana. I was thankful we hadn’t utilized it yet, and I could have some space alone. I pulled the curtains closed and sat down on the edge of the lounger letting the brisk air dull the heat smothering me.
“Capri.” His voice came slipping through the curtains.
“Go away.” I watched his shoes stop at the cabana as he slipped one calloused hand in, followed by his much too attractive body.
“I can’t.” He leaned over me propping his hands on the cushion at my sides.
“Go. Away,” I whispered only half-heartedly. He dove smashing his mouth to mine in a hungry kiss, and I let him. I greedily took everything he was giving me.
He pushed me back onto the lounger and his body followed yet remained detached from mine. I reached up to pull him down, but he only bounced back to his position above me. Desperate for more of him, I laced my fingers into his jeans and began unbuttoning.
“Capri?” He groaned his question into my neck.
“I need you,” I answered. I needed all of him, but for now, I prayed his body would soothe the ache in me.
He didn’t say anymore when he pulled my shorts down from my waist.
Just as quickly as they came off, he was on me, and he pushed himself into me. A gasp of air escaped my lungs. Having him against my body again was almost too much, but I desperately needed more.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered slowly rolling his hips into me. I gasped again. “I miss you.” He kissed down my neck. “So fuckin’ much, baby.” I turned into his lips and caught his mouth with mine. Our tongues swirled together, frantically pushing and pulling trying to grab onto something that didn’t seem within either of our grasps.
I reached my hands up to his shoulder and pulled at his shirt, trying to get more from him, when he fell into me again more urgently. I opened my mouth to cry at the fullness of him reaching deep into me, but he captured my scream with his mouth. He pounded into me in steady thrusts building the ache in me higher and higher, but no closer to filling the void
I pulled my mouth from his. “Look at me.” He ignored my request and continuing sliding into me. “Please,” I moaned at the pleasure. “Look at me,” I begged through my inner pain.
“Let’s just fuck, Capri,” he growled into my neck followed by a nip. Then in one solid deep thrust, my search to be full snapped and my body grabbed at him greedily. In the same thrust, he moaned into my skin and continued to pump into me as if still searching for what neither of us had found.
He placed a soft kiss on just my cheek and pulled away from me slowly. My body clenched, trying to hang on, but he was gone. He handed me a napkin from the table, but I couldn’t look at him.
I cleaned myself quickly and pulled on my shorts while rising to my feet. “Capri.” His voice was pained, and almost pleading, but I wouldn’t look at him.
“Just a fuck is impossible for me when it comes to you, Wes.” I turned and pulled back the curtains, but I didn’t leave. I waited, hopeful that he would say something to patch me back up.
“It’s all I can do.” His voice came out pained.
“It’s not.” I turned and held my hands out to him. “You are capable of more. I’ve seen it, and I’ve lived it. Let me back in, Wes. Give me a chance.”
“This isn’t about you, Capri.” He looked up toward the roof of the tent and sighed.
“You’re right. It’s about us, and you’re messing it up.” My voice cracked as I tried to hold it together.
“This is why I can’t have relationships,” he said so quietly; I didn’t think it was for me to hear, but I did.
“Why? Because then you have to deal with someone who truly cares about you?” I felt a weight press down on my heart. People spent their whole lives hoping to find someone who cared about them unconditionally, and Wes feared it. I tasted the salt of a single tear upon my lips and wiped it away quickly before he saw.
“Exactly.” His eyes lifted to mine. “And then a day will come when they’re gone.”
“Wes.” I put my hand on my chest to stop the ache it had for him. Blue’s illness had him completely terrified. I was at a loss as to what I could say or what I could do. “Tell me how I can help,” I pleaded with him.
“The best thing you can do is just let me be, Capri. I need relationships I can stay unattached in, and where I only have to worry about taking care of myself.”
“That’s really what you want?” I asked swiping away a second tear before it escaped my eyelashes. He didn’t answer me, though. He brought his eyes back to the ground and nodded.
The feeling of powerlessness slammed into my chest. He’d already made up his mind, and no amount of encouragement or support was going to change that.
“So what do I become then? What becomes of us?” I feared what he would say next, but I needed to hear it so I could walk away.
“You go back to being Capri, a great girl I hooked up with. And we go back to being acquaintances.” My world shattered. I was now just another one of his girls. I turned around the second the carefully held in tears burst from my eyes and fled doing nothing more than smearing the pain across my soul.
“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this,” I chanted while lifting the trunk of my car and then peered inside. The oversized canvas portfolio stared back at me, silently mocking how perfectly it fit the space. Before I left, I had a fleeting moment of hope that it wouldn’t fit, but then it did. I took that as a healthy sign that I should, in fact, be here.
“What in James Hatfield’s name is that?” Lennon came up next to me holding a pile of wood.
“That is evidence that the law of attraction is bullshit.” I ducked in and pulled out my portfolio.
“Well damn, I guess I should toss my journals promising myself a lifetime of love and smiles in this fire,” Lennon joked.
“That’s what’s going in the fire?” Kensie slid up on the other side of me, hands carrying grocery bags.
“Its contents, yes.” I stuck my chin out and shoved down the trunk leading our trio out to the fire pit in the sand. For the last week, I’d done the same thing every morning.
First, I ignored the streak of light my ornament dashed across my closet door while I worked on my samples for the hotel. Then, I’d dig into my closet, pull out one painting, and bring it into the light. There I’d sit and stare at it, for what felt like years, though I assumed it was because that was how long I’d been painting these. That was how long he’d occupied every corner of my mind. Only, what once held thoughts of adoration and hope had quickly become pain. I had to get rid of them.
I dropped my portfolio into one of the beach chairs I’d already set up and took the wood from Lennon’s arms, arranging it into the pit.
“So, can we see what’s in there?” I glanced over my shoulder at her in time to catch her lifting up the flap up and peeking inside. I rose to my feet, quickly overtaken by the urge to hide it. “Easy, killa.” Lennon dropped the flap and raised her arms in the air.
“Sorry,” I said holding my hand over my startled chest.
Kensie carefully took a book of matches from one of the bags she brought and held them up to me cautiously awaiting approval. I nodded at her and looked back at the portfolio. I watched the flap rustle in the sea breeze. Tiny pieces of sand attached themsel
ves to it and then blew off into the air. All the while, it stood immobile and inanimate. It was just a portfolio, and inside were just paintings. The memories and the feelings were real.
“You know what?” I said biting on the corner of my lip. “Go ahead.”
Then as quickly as I turned to light the fire, Kensie and Lennon were rifling through my heart. I lit the match and dropped it into the pit waiting for them to recognize him. Three. Two.
“H…o…ly. Shit.” One.
“Say what?” Lennon’s voice followed Kensie’s. I turned slowly to see them pulling out paper heartbeat after paper heartbeat and laying them on the sand. “You weren’t messing with us when you said you’ve always wanted him.” I shook my head and let a giggle slip then another, and another, until I was laughing maniacally in front of an open flame. “And now you’ve just lost it.”
I couldn’t help it. Something about letting other people look through these and see the hopes and fears that had been written on my heart laid out in pigment and water was entirely liberating.
“These are really amazing, Capri,” Kensie said studying each one closely.
“I had no idea you were this talented.” Lennon was no less complimentary, but far more lackadaisical in her viewing.
“Thanks,” I said reaching down and picking up a painting that had skid across the sand to my feet. It was the one of Wes’ marlin. I held it over the fire and watched it illuminate in the light. His tail curled up behind him, and his head thrashed to the side. He was restless.
I retracted the picture, bringing it back toward me within one hand and touched my hip with the other. He was restless until his mermaid rescued him. No part of me thought Wes needed saving, not for one second. He’d proven to be one of the strongest men I’d ever met, but gosh, I wished he’d let me be there for him. Let me help calm his restless heart in the same way he breathed life into mine.
Truth in Watercolors (Truth Series Book 2) Page 20