Today though, there were no games. No laughter. No beers snuck out of someone’s parents’ fridge. Today it was just me and my dark thoughts. And Holly. The girl who had me twisted in knots and was completely oblivious to it all.
Chapter Five
Holly
I felt like the worst person in the world. Jack had stalked off, leaving me sitting here in the back of his ute alone. I thought about walking back into town and just leaving him be, but I felt guilty. I felt guilty about so many things it was almost like the weight of it all was crushing me. I shouldn’t have dumped my shit on him yesterday. I shouldn’t have attempted to be his friend. I was no good as a friend. He didn’t deserve to have to deal with me and my shit. No one did. And I definitely shouldn’t have let myself into his ute and hidden away. That’s how we’d ended up in this mess.
I watched him as he paced back and forth along the water’s edge. His eyes were scouring the ground for something. When he bent down and picked up whatever it was he’d been looking for, I couldn’t help that my gaze went directly to his ass. I mean, I know I should have been embarrassed, and thankfully he didn’t catch my blatant ogling, but it was a nice ass. No wonder so many girls at school had been whispering his name.
He straightened up again, pulled his arm back, and threw something. It took me a second to figure it out, but he was trying to skim rocks across the river. He had no chance of actually achieving it, but whatever. From the way he was standing, so stiff, so full of frustration, Jack looked as though he needed to just let off some steam. Maybe skimming rocks could be the outlet he needed.
The breeze kicked up and ruffled my hair, causing long pieces to whip against my cheeks. I wished I could tie it up out of the way, but until I got it fixed, I wasn’t about to risk it. I’d made enough of a fool of myself today.
Even just remembering what happened earlier made me shudder and an icy cold dread filled my body. Barely a minute later I was shaking so badly I couldn’t stop. I wanted to call out to Jack and ask him to help me, but this wasn’t his problem. I wasn’t his problem. I needed to learn to deal with things on my own. I needed to remember how to stand on my own two feet and protect myself. I couldn’t rely on someone else doing it for me. There wasn’t always going to be someone else around to protect me.
Sliding off the tailgate, I opened the back door and tugged a blanket out, cocooning myself inside. I wrapped it around me as tight as I could stand, hoping the waves of nausea and pure terror would pass. Leaning forward, I put my hands on my knees and focussed on my breathing. Like my counsellor had said, repeatedly, “Focus on what you can control.” I was trying to. I was trying to focus on the simple task of breathing in and out. It was something everyone did every second of every day. If they didn’t, they’d die. But the more I tried to focus on it, the harder the fight seemed.
When I started coughing, black spots danced in my vision and the real panic set in. I was so afraid. I didn’t want to admit it, and I didn’t want to ask for help, but I was spiralling out of control faster than I could fight it.
“Jack!” I yelled as loudly as I could between desperate gasps.
I don’t know if he heard me. Even though I’d called with everything I had, it still hadn’t sounded very loud. At least not to me. My shaking intensified and my breathing became even harder, if that was at all possible.
“Holly!” When I looked up, Jack was right beside me. He must have heard me after all. He looked worried, which didn’t help me at all. “How can I help?”
Honestly, I had no idea. Apparently I was having a panic attack. I’d had maybe a handful of them since I’d come back, usually first thing in the morning after I woke up from a particularly nasty nightmare. I’d wake up gasping, surrounded by damp sheets from the cold sweat covering my body. Most of the time I made enough noise, moaning and crying, to cause Connor to come barging into my room, not caring what either of us were wearing. That boy really needed to sleep in more than a pair of boxers. Yet this attack was the first in front of someone in the middle of the day. That realisation alone made everything a million times worse.
Now, not only was I battling to breathe, but I was also trying to swallow down the humiliation that was making me dizzy. I felt like I was sinking in quicksand and someone was watching.
“Holly. I need you to tell me what to do. What do you need?” Jack’s voice was eerily calm, and even though I knew he was faking it, I appreciated it.
My problem was—well, one of my problems was—I hated being touched. People touching me frightened the shit out of me. People staring at me. Judging me. That’s what had started this whole bullshit saga in the first place. That stupid, know-it-all teacher who made me stand up in front of everyone and tell them about myself. Like they cared. I’d heard their snickers about the new girl. I wasn’t an idiot, although they seemed to think I was. Then when she’d grabbed me, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it.
Once I’d made it outside in the fresh air, with no one around me, I thought I’d be okay. I thought it’d take a minute and my racing heart would slow, and everything would be okay. Except it didn’t. It kept getting worse. When I’d seen the door open and that nasty piece of work Caitlyn stride through with my bag slung over her shoulder, I hid in the shadows. I’d spent enough time around self-entitled rich bitches to know Caitlyn was the queen bee around here. The head mean girl. I don’t know what I’d done to her, I hadn’t even spoken to her, but there was no mistaking her dislike. She and her offsider, Amber, those two had trouble written all over them. Trouble I wanted to avoid. Desperately.
“Holly! Holly!” Jack’s pleas snapped me back to the here and now. That’s what I needed to focus on. Here and now. And right here, in this moment, I was safe. “I need you to look at me and tell me how to help you.”
Sucking in a few painful breaths, I looked up through tears which had escaped and were now streaming down my face. I didn’t even have the energy to be embarrassed. Jack’s hair was everywhere. It looked like he’d been tugging at it in frustration or maybe concern. I was trying not to get my hopes up.
“C-can you just hold me?” Asking the question made my throat burn. I could taste the bitter bile and resisted the urge to throw up. Even though I hated people touching me—in fact the only people I could stand being in my personal space all shared my last name—it was all I could think of that might actually help.
Truthfully, I didn’t know what would work. All I knew for certain is when Connor burst through my doors and threw himself on my bed, he’d wrap himself around me and hold me against his chest until everything stopped. Some days it took minutes, some days it took longer. He never said a word, he just sat there and held me until my tears dried and my breathing evened out again.
“A-a-are-are you sure?”
Jack was scared. I couldn’t blame him. I must look like a compete freak. Hell, he’d known me for less than twenty-four hours. He must think I was the most fucked up girl on the planet. Maybe I was.
Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded and opened up the blanket. Slowly and deliberately, Jack stepped towards me, his arms outstretched. When he was within reach, I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my head against his chest. Instantly I could hear the steady beating of his heart. It took a minute before Jack dropped his arms and settled them around my shoulders, cloaking me in his warmth.
I could feel myself trembling in his arms and Jack just squeezed tighter. It took a long time, longer than was acceptable for me to get my shit under control. As exhausted as I suddenly was, my mind was whirling. It couldn’t stop. I was worrying myself into a frenzy again, and even though I knew it, I couldn’t seem to make myself stop. I knew I had to go back to school. I had to face everyone. Everyone I’d run out on. Maybe I could convince them to send me back to the normal English class. There was no need for me to do the high level course.
“You hanging in there?” Jack asked, his deep voice rumbling.
“What’s going on here?”
&n
bsp; That wasn’t Jack. And it certainly wasn’t me. Together we turned, not breaking our hold, and came face to face with Derek, the town’s local cop, decked out in his police blues, with a stern, serious look on his face.
“Hi Derek,” I greeted, my own voice squeaking pathetically.
“Holly. Want to tell me what you’re doing down here in the middle of the day? I know you should be in class.”
“Ummm…”
“Holly’s had a rough day. She needed a break.”
I was impressed. Jack had balls. Big ones. He was standing up to Derek, who was doing his best to look intimidating and protective. I didn’t know Derek that well, only from the few times I’d inadvertently been invited some place with my brothers and they’d somehow managed to convince me to go, but he was pretty much what you’d expect from a small-town cop. He knew everyone and everything. He cared, maybe more than he should. He loved this town and despised anyone who dared make it less than the safe, happy place Derek wished it to be.
“Holly?”
“I’m okay, Derek.” Feeling slightly unsettled by the whole situation, I wriggled out of Jack’s grasp and stood on my own, instantly missing the safety those arms offered. “It…it was just too much.”
“Does Beau know?”
Of course he wanted to run off and snitch. That was exactly what I didn’t need. News of my freak out getting back to my brothers. They were doing such a shitty job of tip-toeing around me at the moment, the last thing in the world I needed was to make it worse.
“No.”
“You going to tell him?”
“Don’t know.” Even as it came out of my own mouth, it sounded like a cop out. The trouble was, that was the truth. Right now, I wasn’t sure of much, but I did know I wasn’t ready to face my brothers.
“Come on. Get in. I’ll take you back to town.” Derek eyed Jack over my head. I was filled with guilt. None of this was his fault. In fact, he’d done nothing but help me from the moment he found me sitting in the dirt.
“All right.” I wasn’t in a position to argue. “Give me a second?” Although Derek looked more than a little reluctant, he offered me a soft nod before spinning and heading back to his car.
I didn’t say a word. Not because I was afraid. More because I had no words. Thankfully or maybe scarily, Jack seemed to understand. After grabbing my jumper from his ute, I shuffled towards him, my feet feeling heavier than ever. I stepped into his space and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face against his chest and breathing him in.
“You’ll be okay.”
“You think so?”
“Nah.” He was confusing me. In one breath he was reassuring me I’d be okay then in his next, he was saying I wouldn’t. “I know so. It’ll just take some time.”
Pulling away, I headed towards Derek’s car. I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. Jack was starting to scare me. We’d known each other maybe twenty-four hours and he was reading me like I was a character from his favourite novel.
***
“How was school?” Carly asked while we sat in a booth at Payton’s bakery, stuffing ourselves on tiny muffins and washing them down with double chocolate malted milkshakes.
“What do you mean?” I garbled through a mouthful of blueberry.
“School? You went? First day?”
“Umm.” I didn’t want to lie to Carly, but I couldn’t tell her the truth either. I found myself wishing she didn’t care and wasn’t asking. At least that way I wouldn’t be trapped in this position.
“Hey Holly!” Payton greeted me as she slipped into the booth beside me and swiped a muffin.
I don’t know how Payton did it. If I worked here every day, my ass would be the size of a house. Surrounded by deliciousness all day, to me, that sounded like a cruel form of torture.
When she wrapped an arm around my shoulder, I yanked myself away as quickly as I could, plastering myself against the wall.
“Whoa!”
“Holly, are you okay?”
Carly and Payton were staring at me like a had grown a second head. I guess that’s how I appeared. I wish they understood. I wished I could explain it. I couldn’t. I hadn’t even tried.
“Sorry. I’m just…I just…I’m not used to people trying to hug me.” Tears filled my eyes again with every word. I was getting sick and tired of being such a cry baby. I hated being this weak and pathetic person. I just hadn’t figured out how to snap out of it. Yet. I would. It’d just take me a little time. All I could do was hope that everyone was patient enough with me while I sorted myself out.
Payton slid closer to me deliberately, ensuring I was aware of everything that was happening. That really shitty feeling came over me again. Payton lifted her arm, her pink spotted apron awkwardly twisting as she reached her arm up and draped it across my shoulders. Sucking in a deep breath, I willed myself to hold still. I kept assuring myself I was safe. She wouldn’t hurt me.
I shuddered. I know Payton felt it, but she said nothing. I’d never been more grateful for her silence. Even though she knew, she wasn’t letting go, but she wasn’t calling me out either. I was embarrassed enough at the whole situation. Talking about it wasn’t going to help.
Carly reached across the table and wrapped my nervously fidgeting fingers in her own warm, steady hand. “You got this, Holly.”
“It’s just us.”
“I know,” I hissed between desperate breaths.
For a few minutes we sat there in silence, both Carly and Payton holding me in place. My heartbeat steadied and I exhaled heavily. It felt good. Too good. I didn’t want them to let go. Sitting here, I felt complete. Something I hadn’t felt in so long.
“You know,” Payton began as she unwound herself from me and grabbed another muffin. She broke a piece off and popped it in her mouth. “If you’re going to stay here, you’re going to have to get used to being hugged.”
“Why?”
“Are you kidding me? You have a huge family. There’s no way you’re going to be able to avoid it.”
“My brothers aren’t big on the hugs,” I admitted painfully. It’d never worried me before, growing up as the only girl surrounded by boys who loved mud and dirt and creepy crawlies. I thought it was normal, but after spending a couple of hours with Jack and feeling the comfort and reassurance his embrace provided, I wished they were different.
“You’d be surprised,” Carly winked, slurping the last from her milkshake. Glancing at her watch, Carly wiped her hands. “We should head out if we’re going to get to the hairdresser’s on time.”
Payton was already piling up the plates and dirty napkins before Carly had even finished. “Let me just grab my purse and we’ll go.”
“You’re coming too?”
“Is that all right?” How could I say no? Did I want Payton there? Absolutely not. Not because I didn’t like Payton, I did, it was more than that. The less people who saw my shame the better. Having Payton there meant she’d know. And if she knew, it wouldn’t be long before Beau found out. Having secrets, trying to protect them, it was exhausting.
“Yep. Let’s do it!” I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to keep my anxiety in check, and stepped out the door, barely even hearing the jingling of the bells overhead. I settled my sunglasses over my eyes.
I was not ready for this, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. Fixing this hack job of a haircut was step one on my way back to normal. If I can only push through it. Knowing Payton was planning on joining us, I slipped into the backseat of Carly’s car, slightly disappointed she hadn’t brought the bike. I was desperate to get on the back of that. I sat there waiting.
They took their sweet ass time. Seriously, was the clock going backwards? They were taking forever. We were just going to the hairdresser’s, for god’s sake. No need to make yourself beautiful. It wasn’t a fashion parade.
Twenty long, stressful, and annoying minutes later I was seated in a chair in front of the most chatty, big boobed, bleached blonde woman I’d ne
ver met. I’d been inside her studio, which in all reality was nothing more than a converted garage on the side of her house, for a handful of minutes and she was talking so fast I wasn’t sure she’d even paused to take a breath.
“So, Holly, what are we doing with this beautiful hair today?” she asked as she ran her fingers through what was left of my long waves.
Holding my breath, I lifted my arms. “I need you to fix this.” With trembling fingers, I gathered it all together and lifted up my long curly hair, revealing the chopped mess hiding underneath.
“Holy fuck, Holly!”
Chapter Six
Jack
“What a fucking day!” Rubbing my forehead and willing away the headache, I prayed that when I stepped inside the front door, tonight they weren’t at each other’s throats. I’d had a shitty day, and all I could think about was a long, hot shower before crawling into bed. Even though I didn’t mind sleeping in my swag, it wasn’t the same as flopping down on the pillow top mattress and sleeping until the alarm.
Slamming the door shut, I headed towards the eerily silent house, my stomach sinking.
It was too good to be true.
Too much to wish for.
When the screen door banged shut behind me, I almost tripped ass over head. When my shoulder smashed into the wall, I managed to steady myself. Turning around, I saw the pile of shit I’d tripped on. Suitcases. Not just one or two, but half a dozen—maybe more.
“What the fuck?”
“Language, Jack!” Mum scolded as she came into the entryway carrying her handbag and another case. It was a metal case I’d seen more than once. It was her makeup. She never went anywhere without it, so there was no surprise it was in her hands now.
“Where are you going?”
“Away.”
“Away where?”
“Paris.”
“How long?”
Meet The McIntyres - The Complete Series Page 52