“Nope. You don’t get it. One day, you will. I know you will. But Selena, she’s…”
“Standing right beside you with hot coffee, so be very careful how you finish that sentence,” Selena teased ,holding his coffee hostage.
Outwardly, she appeared as though she was an ice princess with impenetrable armour. Up close though, witnessing the way she bantered back and forth with my brother, you could see it was all an act. At least it was an act when it came to Shane, anyway.
“I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted by the wait staff,” Shane dared. Silently, Selena set the coffees down on the table before offering me a mischievous wink. “Selena is an amazing woman, with legs to die for, who for some unknown reason, puts up with my shit and doesn’t complain.”
“Oh, she does complain. You just choose to ignore it.” With that, she bent down, grabbed Shane by the hair, tipped his head back, and kissed him passionately.
He definitely wasn’t lying when he said this chick had his balls. From where I was sitting it looked like she not only had Shane’s balls safely tucked away in her purse, but she was sporting an impressive set of her own.
After a few embarrassing kisses and a lot of promises I did not need to hear, I finally got Shane out of the café and back on the street. It was a beautiful day. I wondered if I could ditch Shane, race back home, and grab my surfboard. While it was warm, for once, I wanted to enjoy it. With my head tilted up to the sky, we started walking down the street. I had no idea where Shane was leading me next, but as long as it was outside, I didn’t particularly care.
I hadn’t planned on coming face to face with the guy who’d, only hours earlier, snuck out of my bed and disappeared without a word. I don’t know if I was more pissed at him for another cowardly exit, or surprised. It wasn’t like this was the first time he’d pulled his vanishing act, but seeing him again so soon, and in daylight hours, with his arms wrapped around a woman he obviously adored, was too much.
“Ryan.” I almost choked on his name.
I couldn’t turn around. I didn’t have to look at Shane to know he’d have a smug look on his face. The burning in my cheeks would’ve given me away.
“Hi Alex.”
I caught the odd look exchanged between Ryan and the girl as his arm dropped from around her shoulders. She mightn’t have been surprised, but I sure as shit was.
Stepping forward, I noticed how young she looked. As jealousy pumped through my veins, I couldn’t help but assess her. Surely, she was too young for Ryan. No matter how pretty she was with her long dark hair and wide innocent eyes, he couldn’t…could he?
Sticking out her hand, she broke the silence. “Hi. I’m Holly. Ryan’s favourite little sister.”
“Only sister,” he grumbled beneath his breath.
I hated that relief flooded my body. Before I had a chance to reply, Shane nudged me out of the way and took her outstretched hand. “Hi, Holly. I’m Shane. And this boofhead here is my brother, Alex.”
“How do you guys know each other?” Holly asked with a wicked gleam in her eye. At first glance she came across sweet and innocent, I was beginning to wonder if it was all just a carefully constructed costume. One she’d perfected.
“We work together,” Ryan answered, his steely gaze locked on mine, willing me to keep my mouth shut.
“Oh, that’s cool. We’re off to find some food. Wanna join us?” Holly invited.
“Nah. We’ve just eaten. We’re off sky diving.”
“We are?” Shock laced Shane’s voice. I loved his reaction. I knew how much he hated heights. The truth was, I was just as surprised. I’d never wanted to willingly jump from a perfectly good plane before, but I spied the sign over Ryan’s left shoulder advertising sky diving over the beach and it seemed like the perfect escape.
“Wow! That’s so cool.”
“Well, we better go find you some cake. It’s been twenty minutes since you last overdosed on sugar,” Ryan addressed Holly.
“Oh. Okay.”
“We’ll let you get to it. I recommend the third store on the left. Best custard tarts in town. Nice to meet you, Holly. Ryan.” I was trying to keep my shit together. Something I was definitely not renowned for. I had a million questions. A dozen explanations I wanted to demand. Now was not the time, though. And it most certainly was not the place.
“Have fun sky diving.”
“We will.”
“Yeah right,” Shane snorted.
“See you around.”
“Yeah,” he grumbled less than enthusiastically.
Stepping out of their way, I headed straight for the tent set up on the sand. I wasn’t keen on jumping out of a plane right now, not after that huge breakfast, but I needed to do something. If I went home now, with my heart pounding the way it was and my mind whirling at a million miles an hour, I was likely to start clawing at the walls. This was safer. Maybe.
Chapter Three
Ryan
“Is he your boyfriend?”
“What?” I coughed violently and froze mid-stride.
“Is. Alex. Your. Boyfriend?” Holly’s question was so direct there wasn’t an ounce of mischief from the cheeky little minx I knew she could be. Some days I wondered how Jack put up with her.
“No. Why would you think that?”
“Come on, Ryan. It’s okay. I know.”
Right now, right here, this was my moment. Without even knowing, Holly had given me the perfect opening to come clean. She knew. I didn’t even have to search for the words to tell her. She just knew. And surprisingly, she seemed okay with it. More than okay.
I must have taken too long to answer. The smile slipped from her face as her warm hand slipped into mine and she led me forward. My feet followed, but my mind was still frozen on the footpath. Risking a glance over my shoulder, I watched as Alex and his brother, thankfully that guy was his brother, because there was no way I could compete with that sort of swagger, wobbled across the sand. I was glad it was them going sky diving, not me. There wasn’t enough money in the world to get me up there.
We didn’t stop until we were standing in front of yet another busy cake shop, the window filled with deliciousness.
“What should I get?” Holly asked enthusiastically. She was acting like the last five minutes hadn’t happened.
They had.
She might be able to forget.
I couldn’t.
I wanted to.
There’s no way I could though.
“I’m gay,” I blurted out while she pointed to the meringues as big as a dinner plate.
“Okay.”
She squeezed my hand like it was nothing. It wasn’t nothing. It was everything. Holly’s acceptance meant the world to me. I’d hidden who I was for so long, having Holly accept this without question, or interrogation, or hesitation sent my heart soaring.
“Let’s go in.”
Half an hour, an apple strudel, and two chocolate malt milkshakes later, I was ready to fall into a sugar coma and sleep in the sun. Holly had dished all the dirt on what’s been going on at home. Payton and Beau were making everyone sick with their lovey dovey act. Gage was so far under Carly’s thumb, he might as well be sporting her thumbprint on his forehead. Especially their ongoing and repeated arguments over Carly’s crazy travel schedule. According to Holly, Gage wasn’t impressed that Carly took off every other weekend to go photograph some wedding. He hated that she went alone, and was worried about all of the single, drunk dudes hitting on her. He’d even gone as far as offering to carry her cameras just so he was there. Apparently, that sent Carly into a tizzy. I could just picture it. Nothing riled Carly up like being told what to do. I loved that girl. She wasn’t going to take anyone’s shit, let alone Gage’s.
“What’s going on with Connor?” I asked after we paid the bill and stepped into the swell of foot traffic on the crowded street.
“I don’t know. He’s even more grumpy than usual.”
“That’s bad.”
>
“Yeah. Dunno why though. Nothing’s changed.”
“Maybe that’s the problem?” I suggested philosophically.
We got back to the car and I started it up. “What about you? You and Jack sorted your shit out yet?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Come on, Hols. You can’t be that dumb. You and Jack. You together yet?”
“No!” Holly protested as she pinched the soft skin on the underside of my arm.
“Ouch! That hurt. Bitch!”
“Well, you deserved it.”
“Why? ’Cause I asked if you and Jack had stopped pretending to be just friends and got on with it?”
“We’re just friends.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you just friends? Don’t you want more? Don’t you want someone to look at you as if you’re the most important person to ever walk the earth?”
“You mean that disgusting, gooey look Beau has on his face every time Payton walks in the room?”
“Yeah. You deserve that, Hols. I know you don’t think you do…”
“I don’t think that!”
“Oh, come on! You’re forgetting who you’re talking to, Holly. It’s me. I know you—better than you do. You want that. You crave that. But more importantly, you deserve that. Jack could be that guy for you.”
Silence settled over us as I wound my way through the streets. We could have taken the main roads, but we weren’t in a hurry. Cruising along the edge of the beach, watching surfers as they whipped around on the waves and seagulls dive bombing the beachgoers who tried to enjoy their Sunday picnics.
“No, he can’t,” she whispered sadly.
I barely caught her words over the music.
“Why can’t he? Jack’s a good guy. He’d never do anything to hurt you.”
“I know that.”
“Then I don’t see what the problem is then.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Explain it to me. Tell me why. Make me understand.”
“He knows.”
“Knows what?” This girl was starting to do my head in with her vague half-ass answers.
“Everything. He knows everything that happened.”
“That’s a good thing, Holly. He knows. He knows and he didn’t run. You trust him. Maybe you should trust yourself a little more. Be happy, Holly. I know you’ve been to hell and it almost destroyed you, but it didn’t. You fought back and won. You need to remember that. Now maybe it’s time to move on. Leave all that shit behind and start again.”
She stared out the window wordlessly. I watched out of the corner of my eye as she weighed my words while she picked at her nails. For a brief second, I thought I’d been too harsh on her. Pushed too hard. Pushed too soon. I shook it off quickly. No. She needed to hear it. She needed someone to watch out for her. To look after her. To make sure she knew, every single day, just how special she was. Jack could be that guy, if only she’d let him.
“And what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Come on, Ryan. Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot. Are we really going to pretend that conversation didn’t happen?”
“Is that an option?” I asked hopefully, glancing over at her while we waited for the lights to change. “Guess not. I don’t know. What do you want me to say?”
“How long have you known?”
“A while.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know.” As much as it sounded like a cop out, it was the truth. I wasn’t sure why I kept it to myself. Maybe I was embarrassed. I mean, I didn’t even know anyone who was gay. The absolute last thing in the world I wanted was to be the only gay guy in town. I didn’t need people treating me differently. But I think it went a bit deeper than that. How was I supposed to tell my family? I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in their faces, or worse, the revulsion. As much as I’d like to believe that while they’d be surprised, once the shock wore off, they’d be okay. Happy for me even. That they’d love me anyway. It wasn’t a risk I was ready to take. Holly finding out was hard enough.
“Beau and Gage would be cool.” It was like she could read my mind. It was creepy. The last place in the world Holly should be hanging out was in my head. The thoughts in there were silenced for a reason.
“What about Connor?”
“Connor will get there…eventually.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Yeah, Ryan, I can. Connor’s your brother. Sure, he’d be shocked. And he’d probably say something completely inappropriate and politically incorrect, but he wouldn’t mean it. He’d never deliberately say anything to hurt anyone. Especially not you. He’s just clumsy, and sometimes it takes him a while to wrap his pea-sized brain around things. I have to believe this wouldn’t be any different.”
Holly was probably right. Connor would struggle, at least initially, but like her, I had to believe he’d come around. It was who he was. Who he’d always been. It wasn’t that long ago that I’d stood shoulder to shoulder with him as he interrogated Jack while he sniffed around Holly, his protective big brother instincts driving him.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“So, are you going to tell them?”
Whoa! Hold your horses, Holly! What did she think I was going to do? Pick up my phone and text them that I was gay? Call and say, ‘Hi. Just thought I’d let you know I like guys.’ As much as I was tired of hiding who I was, I wasn’t ready. Not yet. I would, I just wasn’t working to a timeline with this one.
“When I’m ready,” I promised earnestly.
Holly looked at me with those huge sad eyes and I was ready to fish my phone from my pocket and declare it on social media. She was that damn powerful. The witch. Instead she held my hand and smiled. “I’ll be here, right beside you when you’re ready.”
Silence settled over us as I drove home. I was grateful for the moment to myself. It was exactly what I needed. Some space to wrap my head around everything. I mean, I wasn’t a complete moron. I’d known I was gay for a while now. Hell, I’d been screwing around with Alex for weeks, but until a few minutes ago, I’d never admitted it out loud. Not to anyone. Not even to myself. Knowing and accepting were worlds apart. Worlds I was trying to reconcile. Pulling into the curb behind Derek’s truck, reality hit me. When I walked through that door, the door to my own home I was no longer hiding in the closet, pretending to be something that I’m not. This time when I went inside, I was me. The same guy I was two days ago and two weeks ago in so many ways, then again everything was different. I was different.
“Are you coming?” Holly called out, standing in the doorway staring back at me.
I wanted to go. The problem was my feet were stuck to the concrete footpath. My heart was beating painfully in my chest. I wiped away the bead of sweat from my top lip and started up the path. I knew I couldn’t stand out here all day staring at the door as if it was the devil but knowing and controlling the urge to take off in the opposite direction were two very different things.
“Feeling better, are we Ryan?” Zoe smirked as I crossed the threshold.
Since I’d moved in, I’d learnt to love Zoe. It wasn’t hard. She was the kinda girl who you just wished good things for. She’d been through so much, yet somehow, she was still holding her head high. That feisty brunette was one strong chick. Even when she didn’t think she was. I mean, she sobbed over commercials with any kind of animal in it, and god help us all if she flicked over and found a movie where someone died, but she was strong in all the ways she needed to be. No one pushed Zoe around. And when she wanted something, come hell or high water, she was going to do everything in her power to get it.
“I’m gay.”
Fuck!
That was not the answer.
I did not mean to say that.
Startled by my own stupidity, I looked around the room at the four confused faces staring back at me.
&
nbsp; I held my breath and waited for the judgment to come.
I waited for the hurtful, hateful comments to be thrown in my face.
I waited for Zoe to demand I pack my shit and get out of her house.
Instead I got nothing.
Zoe set the tray of drinks she was carrying on the coffee table, that evil ass coffee table which attacked my shins violently at least once a week, and turned to face me. I sucked in a deep breath and braced myself. Here she went.
“Want a drink, Ryan? Holly?”
Wait! What? Huh?
I must have had a dumb, confused look on my face, because everyone was staring at me like I’d grown a second head.
Wham!
Something slammed into my shoulder, unbalancing me.
“What the fuck?”
Spinning around, I came face to face with Holly. She wasn’t looking one bit confused. Instead she was smug and had ‘told you so’ written all over her. Smart ass. She’d keep. Payback would be a bitch, and I wasn’t a fan of instant gratification. I could wait on this until the time was just right, then strike when she least expected it. Maybe that’d teach her. Okay, it probably wouldn’t teach her a damn thing, but at least I’d get my revenge.
“Zoe asked you a question, Ryan. Do. You. Want. A. Drink?”
Not bothering to answer, I stomped away from them towards the kitchen. I’d get my own stupid drink.
“I’ll take a Coke, thanks, Ryan,” Holly called out to my retreating ass.
Reaching the empty kitchen, I stood at the sink, my fingers digging into the stainless steel as I stared down the plug hole, pondering my life. I felt like I was spinning. Like the whole world around me had come unhinged and was off balance. What’s worse, I had no idea how to set it right again. Turning on the tap, I let the cold water flow before scooping some up and splashing my face. I hadn’t had enough sleep to deal with this today. The painful hangover might have lifted, but the fog certainly hadn’t.
The last thing I needed right now was someone to come looking for me. Checking up on me. Making sure I hadn’t done something stupid. Quickly I grabbed some glasses from the cupboard and poured drinks. Returning to the group of people waiting for me was harder than it should have been. All sorts of thoughts were running around in my mind, flirting dangerously with my frayed emotions.
Meet The McIntyres - The Complete Series Page 72