Meet The McIntyres - The Complete Series

by Rebecca Barber

  “Mmm…” Zoe murmured as she napped fitfully.

  We were outside on the veranda in the cold. My arms were covered in tiny goosepimples but I couldn’t go inside and grab a jumper. In fact, I couldn’t move. Zoe had followed me out the door when I’d broken down and stormed out. Sitting beside me in silence, she held my hand. But as the minutes passed her eyes grew heavy and she eventually snuggled down, lying her head in my lap and falling asleep. I’d stretched out my arm, my good arm, along the length of her and held her tight. I guess I was craving a human connection. I couldn’t stop touching her. Playing with her hair. Tracing circles against her skin.

  While Zoe slept in my arms, I replayed everything that had happened for the millionth time. Sad thing was, no matter how many times I replayed it, the ending was always the same.

  “What did you say?” Beau asked, a confused look on his face.

  “I’m gay.”

  The words hung in the air like they were toxic, everyone afraid to breathe it in. Beneath the table, both Zoe and Holly reached for me. Holly took hold of my sweaty palm and squeezed supportively, while Zoe rested her hand on my thigh. At least I wasn’t completely alone. No matter what happened next, no matter what was said, these two were on my side.

  “Wow!”

  “Cool.” Typical Carly answer. That girl had seen everything. I couldn’t imagine this would shock her or make her uncomfortable in any way.

  “Okay then,” Payton added as she began to stack the empty plates.

  “Are you sure?” Gage blurted out. I don’t think he was expecting to. Between the wide eyes and the way his hands instantly moved to cover his mouth, I had to believe he didn’t mean to say anything at all.

  I felt like I was going to choke. Like there was no air in the room. I couldn’t answer him. My throat had a lump the size of a tennis ball, cutting off my breath. I just nodded mutely and hoped it was enough.

  “What?”

  “Beau, you heard him,” Payton tried to placate her husband. When she reached out and held his hand, I found myself wondering if I should be afraid. Part of me was fucking terrified. Was Beau about to punch me in the face? Possibly. At least if he did it now, it’d be out of his system. Beau was a hot head. He reacted in the moment, then got over it and moved on. He wasn’t the grudge-holding type. So, if he knocked me on my ass, at least I wouldn’t be left wondering when the hit would come.

  “But he’s gay,” he whined like a spoilt brat.

  “Yeah, he is. And he’s still your brother,” Holly declared. She wasn’t the same girl who’d been brought home from boarding school an absolute mess. Gone was the girl who’d tried to overdose to avoid the bullies who taunted her, and in her place was this amazing young woman. She was kind, and smart, and sweet, and completely loyal. Having her stand up for me, to stand beside me, meant more than I could ever express.

  Risking everything, I looked at Beau, who hadn’t blinked. I could only begin to imagine the things going through his mind at that moment. It was like he was assessing me. Checking me out to see if I was the same person he’d always known or if I was different somehow. I hadn’t changed, at least I didn’t think I had. The only difference was now my family knew who I really was. The secret I’d been keeping, the one that’d been weighing me down and making me miserable, was out there. And as scared as I was, I was glad. Relieved. Free.

  “So, you…you like dudes?” Connor asked clumsily.

  This was the part of the conversation I was hoping to avoid. We all knew what gay was. We didn’t need to dive into specifics. Did we? I was praying we wouldn’t, but unfortunately for me it seemed like my bone-headed brother needed clarification.

  “Yeah, Connor. I do.”

  “Oh.”

  My whole body trembled. I’d never known when to just shut up. Obviously today wasn’t any different. “Is that okay?”

  “Is that okay? Is that okay? Of course, it’s not fucking okay!” Dad boomed, slamming his fists on the table, rattling the glasses.

  From the moment I’d let the truth slip out, Dad’s head had been bowed. He hadn’t met my eye once. It was almost like he couldn’t bear to. It stung like a motherfucker, but I couldn’t change him. God knows through the years we’d tried. Nothing had worked before, and I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that this would, either.

  “Dad…” Gage stepped in.

  “No, Gage! Don’t you fucking dare defend this…this poof.”

  I think that was the moment my heart shattered into a million tiny shards and splintered me from the inside out. Even though I’d been expecting it, even though I’d spent many nights, way too many really, waiting for this moment to go down exactly like this, it didn’t make it any easier now it was here. Dad was old school. He had old school values and even more outdated ideas on the way things should go. Having a gay son, there was no way that fit into his world.

  “That’s enough, Dad,” Beau stepped up.

  Fuck, I loved my brothers. I’d just dropped a bombshell and here they were holding my hand and leaping to my defence without even taking the time to digest the information.

  “You might think you’re in charge around here, Beau, but I’m still the fucking head of this fucking house. And I don’t want this…this fag in my house.”

  I felt the tears coming.

  I knew once they started they wouldn’t stop.

  I pushed my chair back, balled up my napkin, leaving it on the table, and stood up. I needed to walk away. For my own sanity, I needed to get away. Even if it was just for a minute. Dad would calm down. Eventually. At least I hoped he would. He just needed time. Yeah, time and space, that’d help. Then maybe we could go from there. I just had to hang in there and hope for the best. Prepare for the worst while I kept praying for the best.

  “Ryan?” Zoe’s voice shook.

  “I’m fine. I’m just going to get some air.”

  “Good! Get the fuck out of my house! Don’t even think about coming back, either.”

  “Dad!” Beau yelled again.

  Taking one last look at my family, I sighed loudly. As much as I’d hoped nothing would change, the truth was everything had. Payton looked sad. Carly disappointed. Beau and Gage wore matching sympathetic smiles. Holly looked like I’d just told her Santa wasn’t real, and Connor, well, I couldn’t read him right now. Confused maybe. Pity definitely. I wasn’t sure. But I also wasn’t strong enough to stick around and find out.

  Instead, I headed out the door alone.

  The moment my feet hit the dirt, a tsunami of loneliness suffocated me. I thought I was ready for this. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. Very fucking wrong.

  I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, I’m not a complete moron, but I hadn’t really given any consideration to the possibility that I’d lose my family. We’d been through so much together already. From watching our parents’ marriage implode, to staring at our baby sister, the one we’d sworn to protect, lay in a hospital bed after trying to take her own life. We’d been through some serious shit. Now there was a baby on the way. I was going to be an uncle. At least, up until ten minutes ago I was. Now everything was up in the air. I didn’t even know if Beau and Payton would acknowledge me as family, let alone allow me to come me near their baby.

  With every step a new question popped into my head. By the time I looked around and figured out where my feet had carried me, I was standing at the front gate staring down the deserted gravel road. Striding out into the middle of the road, I stood there. If anyone saw me they’d think I was an idiot. In many ways, I was. I don’t know how long I stood out there weighing up my options. I could walk down the road and away from my family. Or I could go back and fight.

  Neither option sounded great.

  All I could hear were the names Dad had called me. It wasn’t like I hadn’t heard them before. Hell, before I knew what they meant I probably used them. But hearing them from your dad, from the one man you admired your whole life, the one you looked up to, there were n
o words for how much it hurt.

  I needed to talk to someone.

  Someone who’d understand.

  Fishing my phone from my pocket, I shot a message to Alex. I had no idea what the hell we were doing, and right now, labelling us was the last thing on my mind, but I needed a friend. I just hoped he wouldn’t throw me away too.

  Before I had a chance to slip my phone back in my pocket, a message pinged. Thinking it was Alex with some words of wisdom, I opened it quickly. It wasn’t him. It was Holly.

  Holly: I love you.

  My decision was made.

  Holly’d just made it for me. I couldn’t walk away. No matter how much I wanted to curl up in a ball and pretend today hadn’t happened, I had to go back. Dad might hate me, he may never speak to me again—that was his loss. Holly was still there. And I knew, in time, the others would come around. It might just take them a minute to catch up. That was okay. I owed them that. Until they proved otherwise, I owed them the faith I had in them to hold my breath and wait and see.

  Rubbing my elbow, I started back towards the house. My arm was aching and I had a raging headache, probably stress-induced. Nothing a few painkillers and a nap wouldn’t fix. When I got back to the front yard, I noticed Dad’s car was gone. I had no idea where he was, he certainly hadn’t passed me out the front gate, but he wasn’t home either. Climbing back up the stairs, the house was quiet.

  “You okay?”

  “Holy fuck, Zoe! You scared the crap out of me,” I ranted, clutching my chest. Beneath my fingers my heart pounded. Shaking off the fright, I looked at her. She looked so small sitting out here all by herself. “What are you doing out here?”

  “I was going to head in to Derek’s, but I wanted to make sure you were all right first.”

  “You waited…for me?”

  “Always.”

  Slipping beside her on the swing, I watched as she curled her legs up and laid her head down in my lap. Zoe wasn’t family. She didn’t pretend to be anything more than what she was. And right now, she was being the best damn friend anyone could ask for.

  After a few long, quiet moments with nothing to do but watch as the wind ruffled the trees while birds chirped happily, Zoe spoke so softly I barely caught it. “He’ll come around. Eventually. You just need to be patient with him.”

  “I hope so,” I admitted as I rocked us back and forth.

  That’s how we were when Connor fell through the door a while later. Except instead of Zoe and I sharing a quiet conversation, her tiny, soft little snores punctuated the silence. The hairs on my neck stood on end as Connor moved towards us and leant against the railing. If I were him, I wouldn’t be resting too much weight against the rotted timber, who knew when it was going to give way. It was definitely a matter of when, not if.

  Even though it was killing me to stay quiet, I was desperate for Connor to say something. Anything. My thoughts were torturing me.

  It was like he could read my mind. Putting me out of my misery, he asked, “So you’re gay.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Do you have a boyfriend?”

  “Not really.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  I could have taken his question as rude, hurtful, and full of menace. I knew Connor. That’s not what he meant. Not at all. He might be shocked by all this, but he would never be nasty.

  “It means that I have a friend, but that’s all. It’s nothing serious.”

  Connor nodded and stretched his hands over his head, causing his t-shirt to rise, showing off his six-pack abs. Asshole. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was doing it on purpose. When he let out a huge sigh, I looked down at Zoe, snoozing in my lap. She hadn’t batted an eyelid. “You okay?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean with everything. Dad was…he was…”

  “He was Dad. Let’s be honest, Connor. He was never going to get up and give me a hug when he found out…”

  “Is that what you wanted?”

  “No. Yes. I don’t know. I think a part of me wished he could accept it, but the other part knew he wouldn’t.”

  “You’ll be okay.”

  “I know.”

  Zoe chose that moment to wake. She shifted, almost elbowing me in the nuts as she sat up rubbing her eyes. There was a chill in the air and her nipples were poking through her shirt. Something that Connor obviously noticed as his eyes widened.

  “Hey,” she grumbled.

  “There’s Sleeping Beauty.”

  “Sorry I fell asleep on you.”

  “Princess, you can fall asleep in my arms anytime.”

  When I heard Connor clearing his throat, I remembered he was still standing there. Zoe had that power over me. One I don’t think she was even fully aware she possessed. One that made me forget everything and everyone else. When she spotted Connor looking smug against the railing, Zoe tugged at her shirt and folded her arms across her chest. It was almost as if she were hiding, but it was too late.

  “I’m going to grab my bag and head to Derek’s, if you’re okay here?”

  She waited for my answer. Planting my feet on the ground, I brought the swing to a halt. “I’ll be fine,” I assured her. Or perhaps it was me I was reassuring. Either way, I wasn’t going to keep her here a minute longer.

  Unfolding her legs, Zoe stood up and wobbled. With her hands out either side, she was trying to steady herself. For a few breaths she stood there, unmoving. I found myself holding my arms out ready to catch her.

  “I got this,” she murmured under her breath before she set off again, disappearing inside.

  “That girl’s going to be the death of me,” I muttered.

  “You love her.” It wasn’t a question. Just a simple observation. One I was quite frankly surprised Connor even made. He usually missed everything. Too caught up in his own head.

  When Zoe breezed back through the door, worry sat uneasy in my stomach. She was pale. She was usually pretty fair, but green was definitely not her colour. She looked like at any second she would throw up, or pass out, or maybe both. When we got home, we definitely needed to talk. She thinks I didn’t notice how little she ate at lunch. Half a piece of bread and a slice of ham was not enough to sustain her.

  “See you tomorrow?”

  “Yep.”

  “Want me to come get you?”

  “How ’bout I let you know? Connor may need to take me to the bakery. I can’t very well come home and not go get a scroll!”

  “Always thinking with your stomach!”

  Moving towards Zoe, I wrapped my good arm around her waist. Kissing her cheek, I whispered into her ear, “Thank you for being here. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.”

  Pulling back, Zoe looked me straight in the eye and cupped my face with her hands. “Yes, you would have. You just didn’t believe it.”

  Before either of us dissolved into a sobbing mess, I peeled her hands off me and let her go. She was right. I needed to trust what I knew. Who I knew. I shouldn’t have doubted them. Other than Dad, Connor was the one most likely to say something dumb or hurtful, and here he was asking me if I had a boyfriend like it was normal. I guess, for me it was. A new kind of normal.

  “See ya soon, Zoe!” Connor called out as she headed towards the car.

  Without turning around, Zoe waved over her shoulder as she walked away. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Something wasn’t right. In the pit of my stomach, something just felt off. Given how the day had turned out, I wasn’t surprised, but it didn’t mean I liked it.

  Zoe opened the car door and tossed in her bag. Then, without warning, she crumpled to the ground, her head hitting the door on the way down.

  “Fuck!” I was moving before I knew what I was doing.

  I reached her side and noticed the blood seeping from her forehead. “Fuck!”

  “Ryan, what the hell is wrong with her? She’s out cold!” Connor snapped as he tucked back the stray strands of hair behind Zoe’s ear.


  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly, my voice full of terror.

  Connor was right. She was completely out of it. One minute she was waving goodbye, now she was bleeding and unconscious, and absolutely nothing at all happened. I watched her. I watched her walk across the yard. I watched her open the door. I watched her throw her handbag onto the seat. Then I watched her fall to the ground.

  Bending down, I went to lift her off the ground. It was only when my hands were under her armpits did my shoulder scream in pain as the reminder that my collarbone was broken came back.

  “Fuuuuuuuucccccccccccck,” I cried in agony as I set her back down.

  I wanted to drop her. Desperately. I wanted to let her go and make the pain go away. There was no way I ever would, though. After setting Zoe’s head down as gently as I could, I turned to Connor. “Can you carry her inside?”

  “No.”

  What the actual fuck? How could he say no? What was he going to do? Leave her out here in the dirt until she came around? I knew Connor could be an asshole, but I’d never imagined he could be heartless.

  “We can’t leave her here,” I reminded him as I patted Zoe’s face gently. She was breathing, at least. I could feel the warmth of her shallow breaths against my fingers. “Come on, Zoe! I need you to open those pretty little eyes for me. I need you to help me get you inside.”

  “Get out of the way!”

  Without waiting for me to move, Connor moved me before scooping Zoe up bridal style and carrying her towards the shed. “Where the fuck are you taking her?”

  He didn’t answer.

  He just kept walking. Even though Zoe was lying there, completely out of it in his arms, he barely even noticed the added weight. I shouldn’t be surprised. Connor was the one around here who did all the manual labour. The heavy lifting and dealing with stubborn animals was his job. Carrying Zoe shouldn’t present much of a challenge.