“Whoa! You right there, Zoe?” Payton asked, grabbing my arm, helping to steady me.
“Yeah. Sorry. Thanks.”
“All good. You coming inside?”
“Yep.” Without another word, I followed her through the door, leaving Lachlan’s stroller at one of the corner tables. Walking up to the counter, I could already see the delicious treats filling the glass cabinet and I knew they’d be soon filling my stomach instead. “Can I please have a bucket of coffee, a cinnamon scroll, a scone, and one of those chocolate things?”
“For breakfast?” she blurted out. The look on my face must have been enough to shut her up.
“Is that a problem?”
“N-n-not at all. Have a seat and I’ll bring it over.”
Feeling worse than dog shit on a shoe, I slumped over to the table and flopped into a chair. Payton didn’t deserve my bitchiness. No one did. Well, one person did, but he wasn’t here, so I had to rein it in. When Payton carried over the tray, I felt worse, if that was even possible. There was more food on here than I’d eat in a day. And we both knew it.
“Payton, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” she assured me with a dismissive wave of her hand, but I knew she didn’t mean it. Usually she’d bring over food, fall into the chair beside me, and we’d chat while I sipped. Today she made no attempt to join me. Instead, she started back towards the counter, putting distance between us.
“Payton!” I called out, catching her attention. If I had been a better person, one who wasn’t so self-involved, I would have noticed that she too looked like shit. Dark black circles ringed her eyes, and her hair, although tugged back in a tight ponytail, looked like straw. “Are you okay?”
“Peachy. Can I get you anything else?”
“Yeah. Grab yourself a cup of coffee, sit your ass down, and talk to me while I inhale all these calories.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.” Unlike her brother-in-law, Payton didn’t argue, and ten minutes later all was forgiven. Payton and I sat chatting like normal.
I told her about the diner and everything Connor had done, including his refusal to take my money. She just laughed. “What’s so funny?”
“You actually have no idea, do you?”
“No idea about what?”
For the next twenty minutes Payton filled in all the details Connor had conveniently left out of his story. If he thought for a second I was letting go of this, he was about to get a rude shock.
Stunned.
Absolutely stunned.
I wasn’t completely naïve. I know it would have taken a lot of time, effort, and money to bring that place from the brink of being firewood to a place that could open its doors tomorrow, but I had no idea how many people had been involved and how much it had taken.
Grabbing my stuff, I stood up abruptly. “I’ve gotta go.”
“Going to see Connor?” Payton asked, her eyes hopeful. She wasn’t backwards in coming forward. Payton had made it very clear that I should give Connor another chance.
“No. Derek.”
“Huh?”
I knew she didn’t understand. Very few people did. They accepted our strange relationship, but it didn’t mean they understood it. And if I was being honest, I kinda liked that they didn’t. For some reason that made it even more special.
“I need him to help me with something.”
“Okay.” She hugged me tightly before stepping back, but not letting go. For a second she just stared at me and I was suddenly self-conscious. Regretting that second scroll, I swallowed down my embarrassment and forced myself to stand tall. I really needed to find a better way to deal with my emotions. Eating them wasn’t exactly healthy. “Look after yourself.”
“Thanks for…the info.” I pushed Lachlan’s stroller out the door and back into the brisk morning air.
Set on a mission, I half jogged towards Derek’s place. Everything around me was coated in a fine layer of dew and the streets were still quiet. Slowing my pace, I grabbed my phone and messaged Derek, checking he’d be home.
Standing at the top of his driveway, I was second guessing everything. It seemed like there were so many half stories circling around me and it was bugging the crap out of me. Why couldn’t everyone just tell me the whole truth? Were they that afraid I’d lose the plot if they did?
“You coming in or going to stand here all day?” Derek asked, interrupting my deep thoughts. He was standing on the veranda, leaning against the post.” I wish everyone could see Derek like this. This was the guy who was my best friend. He was wearing a tattered pair of grey sweats with a rip in the knee and a navy hoodie. Looking at him you’d never guess he was the one wearing a perfectly pressed police uniform each day.
“Coming in.”
Pushing the stroller to the bottom step, I unclipped Lachlan and he stirred awake. I couldn’t complain, really. He’d slept for an hour. I’d take that as a win. Before I had a chance to get him out, Derek was there scooping him up.
“Here’s my favourite person in the whole wide world,” Derek gushed as he strode inside, leaving me trailing behind.
“Favourite person in the world, huh?” Mia teased, stepping out of the bedroom in a pair of yoga pants and hoodie. Even in her lazy Sunday clothes, she looked effortlessly stunning. Not to mention comfortable.
“Favourite little dude in the world,” he corrected.
“Nice save.” Mia giggled, slapping Derek’s ass as she squeezed by. “You joining us for breakfast Zoe?”
“Ugh. No way.”
“You feeling okay?” Derek questioned, concern all over his face.
“Yeah. I just ate my worries at the bakery.”
“I bet that wasn’t pretty.”
“You have no idea.”
“Mind if we eat? I’m starving,” Mia asked as she whisked eggs, shaking her hips in time with it.
“Not at all. Sorry to crash your Sunday morning. I can go…”
“Don’t be ridiculous! Derek and I love having Lachlan here.”
“Just Lachlan?”
“I suppose you too.” Mia winked before turning her attention to the fry pan on the stove.
Behind me, Derek continued to chat away with Lachlan, almost like he was expecting a response. It was so damn adorable. The two men in my life spending time together. When Lachlan started to fuss, he was handed back like he was a live grenade.
“I’ll go feed him while you eat breakfast.” Mia was sliding omelettes from the pan onto the plates. As wonderful as they smelt, even the thought of food made my stomach churn.
“You don’t have to…”
“It’s fine. It’s more comfortable in the lounge room.”
I knew breastfeeding was the best thing for Lachlan, and not something to be embarrassed about, and I wasn’t. What I did struggle with was popping out my boob with other people around.
“Zoe?”
My eyes sprung open at my name. I must have dozed off. It happened. More often than I’d like to admit. Lachlan had developed a nasty habit of latching on a feeding for a bit then falling asleep. Ordinarily that wouldn’t be a bad thing. My problem was, if I tried to take him off, he would wake up, then try to scream the house down in protest.
“Sorry.” Looking down, as I expected, Lachlan was sleeping quietly in my arms. Trying to cover myself wasn’t easy, and when I caught the disappointed look Derek was throwing my way, I gave up and just sat there.
“You’re exhausted.” It wasn’t a question and I wasn’t denying it.
“It was a rough night.”
“He didn’t sleep.”
“Not long enough, anyway.”
“How can I help?” Derek looked genuinely distraught.
“How can we help?” Mia modified as she came into the lounge room.
“Right. How do we help.”
“Actually, there is something you can do…” Mia and Derek exchanged intrigued glances before I launched into the interrogation.
T
o their credit, they answered everything I threw at them. My head was spinning. There was so much more to it than I knew. More than I could have been prepared for. It all wasn’t one way, though. For the first time since Jenna passed away, I opened up and told Derek about the letter she’d left me. At first, he was cranky I hadn’t told him earlier, but he softened. He always did. When I told him what was in it, he said he agreed. It wasn’t until I explained how guilty I felt that I hadn’t been there that he really fired up. When our arguing escalated, Mia took Lachlan and left us to it.
By the time we finished I was absolutely rat shit exhausted. Forcing myself out of this chair was going to be perhaps my biggest challenge.
“What now? Zoe?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Yes, you are. How long have I known you?”
“I don’t know. Forever?”
“Sounds close enough. And you know I love you, don’t you?”
Shit! Something bad was coming. Derek was a good guy, but I’d been on the receiving end of an ass kicking from him on enough occasions to know when he prefaced it with reminding me how much he loved me, I wasn’t going to like what came out.
“Yeah.”
“Then stop pretending you don’t know the answer. Dumb doesn’t suit you.”
“Hey!” At least he didn’t say I was dumb. “I’m not pretending.”
“Fine. You’re not pretending. But you and I both know your heart’s already made the decision. You’re second guessing yourself. It’s time, Zoe. Time for you to find the life that’s going to make you happy. If that’s you and Lachlan living in Melbourne or China, I don’t really care. As long as you’re happy. But I agree with Jenna. It doesn’t have to be just the two of you. You’re allowed to want more. To have more. The last thing Spencer would have wanted was for you to be alone forever.”
“Y-y-you don’t know that.” I sniffed. Fucking Derek making me cry.
“Yeah, Zoe, I do. And you do too. Think about it this way. If you’d have died and Spencer were still here, would you want him to go through life alone, or find someone who made him smile? Someone who made it hurt just a little less.”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to. Thinking about Spencer with someone else made me see red. But I got what Derek was saying. Would I want Spencer to be happy? Absolutely. Would I prefer it was with me? Undoubtedly. But I’d never want him to be lonely or sad.
Derek pulled my ass out of the couch and I noticed the butt print in the cushion. It was time for me to move. When he wrapped his arms around me, I sunk into him. He was home. He was my family and the person I trusted more than I trusted myself. Maybe he was right. Either way, he’d given me a lot to think about.
“I leave for five minutes and you’ve already got another woman in your arms,” Mia commented as she came back into the room.
I jumped back, hitting the coffee table with my shin, sending an excruciating pain down my leg. “Fuck!” I exclaimed, rubbing my leg.
“Mia.”
“Sorry, Zoe. I didn’t mean it. Everything okay in here?”
“Yeah. I was just…just…”
“She was just admitting it’s time.”
“Time for what?” Mia asked as she wormed her way under Derek’s arm.
“Time for Zoe to move on.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” I felt sick. It wasn’t that I disagreed with what Derek was suggesting, I just didn’t think it was as easy as he was making it sound. In fact, I knew it wasn’t. It was anything but easy. Terrifying was probably more accurate.
“Go home. Have a nap and a shower, then go see Connor. Talk to him.” Derek was giving me directions. Making it all sound so simple.
“What do I say?”
“I’d start with thank you. Then go from there.”
“Okay.”
“Okay. Now scoot.”
“Let me grab Lachlan…”
“Not a chance. I’m going to spend the day hanging out with my godson. It’s time I taught him a few things.”
“Derek, he’s still a baby!”
“Never too soon.”
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t.”
“Am I ruining your Sunday?” I asked, directing my question at Mia. I’d basically invited myself over, and now I was going to leave my son there. Surely, I was cramping their style.
“Not at all. Besides, what could be better than be hanging out with this little cutie? Derek better learn how to share though.”
“I’m not getting in the middle of that argument.” You couldn’t pay me enough to get in between these two. Yawning loudly, all I could think about was slipping into my own bed and sleeping for a couple of hours. Surely after some sleep everything would look clearer.
“Get out of here. We’re good here. We’ve got spare clothes, nappies and some of his formula from last time in the cupboard. He’s fine, Zoe. We got this!” A minute later I was shooed out the door and was tugging home alone.
***
It was almost five when I turned onto Connor’s driveway. I’d pulled over twice on my way out here, tempted to turn back. Alone with my thoughts in the car was a dangerous place to be. After I’d left Derek’s I’d headed straight home, climbed back into bed, and fallen into a sugar coma. Eventually I’d woken and spent the next ten minutes throwing up. With my stomach empty, I climbed into the bath and enjoyed a long, peaceful bubble bath. It was strange not to have any interruptions. No screaming child wanting to be fed. No noisy housemate who thought he could sing, but couldn’t hit a note to save his life. After shaving and exfoliating, I stepped out of the bathroom feeling like a new woman. All it took was a few strategically placed phone calls to learn not only was Connor home alone, but he would be there all night.
Now, with only a few hundred metres to go, I was freaking out. I’d rehearsed my speech more than a dozen times and I still wasn’t sure I had it figured out. I could literally walk faster than I was driving right now.
I don’t know if someone told him I was on my way. I wouldn’t put it past either Derek or Payton. Both had big mouths, and given the circumstances, they’d be more than happy to spread the word. The front light was on and Connor was sitting on the bottom step, one hand wrapped around a beer, the other cupping his chin. Putting the car in park, I sucked in a deep breath and stared at him through the windshield. Climbing out of the car may have been the hardest thing I’d done in a long time.
Even if I didn’t want to admit it, Derek was right. I already knew my decision.
I’d taken maybe a dozen steps when Connor swooped in, and without a word, crushed his mouth against mine. I should have stopped him. Said what needed to be said. Instead I took everything he offered. Jumping up, I wrapped my legs around his waist. With his hands under my ass, he carried me up the steps and through the front door.
Still without exchanging a word, clothes were being shed and I was bent over the back of the couch. Without hesitating, Connor stepped behind me and slipped inside, both of us groaning at his intrusion.
There was nothing remotely romantic about the way Connor fucked me. It was raw, rough, and animalistic. And I was not complaining. Without warning, he hit that spot inside me that had me moaning his name and seeing stars. Barely two thrusts later, he was emptying himself inside me with a grunt.
For a moment we stayed exactly as we were. Me bent over the lounge and Connor buried inside me. All I could hear was the pounding of my own heart and our ragged breaths. When Connor pulled out, I felt incredibly empty. Not just physically either. I didn’t like it. Not one bit.
Standing up, I searched for my clothes. They were like a trail of breadcrumbs leading to the front door. Pulling my shirt over my head, I forgot the bra. It would have just slowed my escape down. Right now, that’s what I needed to do: escape. Put as much distance between Connor and I as I could. Finding my jeans on the hall table—I had no idea how they’d gotten there—I pulled them on without even turning around. Behind
me, I could hear shuffling and I assumed Connor too, was scrambling to get covered up.
Slipping my feet into my shoes, I grabbed hold of the door handle, my mind waging a silent war. Should I turn back and look at him? Should I say something? Anything? And if I did, what the hell did I say? Thanks for the fuck? No, I couldn’t do it. I was too chicken shit to even look him in the eye. Instead I stepped through the door and into the darkness.
By the time I made it across the grass and was opening my car door, I was blinded by my own tears. It was all just too much. Too many emotions and hormones causing me to become one of those pathetic, messy girls I’d always pitied. I didn’t want to be one. Just as I was about to drop my butt, still stinging from the surprising slap Connor had delivered, a booming voice cut through the darkness.
“What the fuck, Zoe? You’re running away?”
“Uh…ah…um…” Obviously words weren’t working for me.
His question had slowed my escape, and when I turned around, Connor was standing there looking even better, if that were even possible. His jeans were still unbuttoned and hung low on his hips. He was barefoot and not wearing a shirt. At his side, his hands were clenched into tight fists, but I wasn’t afraid of him. Even though his jaw ticked and the vein on his forehead was in danger of popping, I knew he’d never hurt me. Not physically anyway. Emotionally, I was already fucked.
“Answer me,” he growled, the heat from his body radiating off him.
“I have to go.”
“Why?”
“What?”
“Zoe,” he steadied his voice. I could tell it was taking all the will power he possessed to push his anger aside and talk to me. “Please, come back inside. You didn’t come all the way out here for that. And honestly…” He ran his hand through his hair and I squeaked. I don’t know if it was the way his muscles bulged in his arms or the look of satisfaction on his face, but Connor had some kind of power over me that made me melt. “I didn’t plan on what just happened.”
“You didn’t?”
Meet The McIntyres - The Complete Series Page 108