by Donna Alward
“So where does that leave us?” he asked hoarsely, perching on the edge of the sofa as their argument evaporated in the tiny shadows cast by what was left of the fire. His cheeks sagged in the dim light.
Molly saw his expression and felt the overwhelming sadness of the end. This was the end of the line for them. Things would never be the same. Only now she would say goodbye like she hadn’t before.
“We’re certainly not the same as we were three weeks ago,” she replied. “We were full of anger and questions and resentment. I think we needed to talk, to get things out in the open. And to realize that we’d never really moved on. But I came here tonight to say that goodbye, Jason. And I’m more sure than ever that it is the right thing to do.”
“I’m not.”
She smiled sadly at his determined tone. “You’re just mad that you’re not getting your own way. In the end, you’ll realize that this is what’s right.”
She walked over to where he was sitting and placed a soft hand on his face. His eyes closed at her touch and she knew despite her words, she was going to have to try to get over him all over again. Good luck with that.
“It’s better this way,” she said gently. “We’d end up hating each other. We’re better off letting it go without anger and resentment eating away at us, spoiling whatever’s left. You deserve the life that you want. With someone who wants the same things.” Like Kim, she thought, but didn’t say.
“Don’t,” he warned. “Don’t get all philosophical on me. You’re leaving. You’d better get back and get packed.”
She withdrew as if he’d slapped her. She’d tried to make this as amicable as possible, but the intensity of their feelings stood in the way of it. He was very clear on what he wanted now—his own way again. It should have made the final decision easier, but right now all she could feel was empty hurt.
“Thank you for all you’ve done, for me and for my family,” she whispered, her throat clogging with tears. “And Jason?”
He lifted his head, but his eyes were closed off and icy-cold.
“I’m sorry,” she choked out, then spun from the room. She fumbled with her boots and jacket in her haste to get out the door. Once it was shut behind her she ran for home, sobbing all the way.
Chapter Ten
Kim was still up and sitting in the kitchen having a cup of tea when Molly got home. Molly was in no mood to talk, about anything. She took the stairs two at a time, pulled out her suitcase and started packing.
When her sister knocked on the closed door, she sighed. “What?”
“Are you okay?”
Molly felt the tears start again and knew she could not face Kim right now. Things were too raw, the wounds too open. She swallowed the huge ball of emotion in her throat and tried a more chipper, “I’m fine, just packing.”
A pause.
“Do you want some help?”
Molly’s hands paused holding a shirt. They were sisters, but despite everything, they’d never been confidantes. When would that have happened? Molly hadn’t even been around for the past several years. She couldn’t open up to her sister now. Especially not with how she felt about Jason or, more importantly, how she felt about Kim and Jason. How she felt knowing something was between them.
She wandered closer to the door, placed a hand on it. “Would you mind if I said I need some time alone?”
Kim’s voice was close, just on the other side of the wood. “Not at all.” Another pause. “But…Molly, if you need anything, come get me.”
Molly’s eyes stung again. Dammit. Kim deserved happiness. She gave and gave of herself, rarely getting anything in return. Now that Molly was getting out of the way, now that she and Jason had finally dealt with their own breakup, maybe something would happen so they both would be happy.
And that should make her happy. But it didn’t, and she felt small and petty knowing she couldn’t put their future happiness ahead of her own.
Kim moved on down the hall and Molly absently laid the shirt in the case and sat on the edge of the bed, dazed.
How could she muster up happiness, while her body still hummed from making love to him earlier?
She still loved him. But he wasn’t going to sacrifice anything for her, and maybe she was wrong for asking him to. He wanted home and family and the life he had here. If ever two people had the same goals and aspirations in life, it was Jason and Kim. Molly would go back to Calgary and get out of the way. She was leaving the firm, of that she was sure. But returning here no longer seemed an option. Not unless she was into self-torture, and she wasn’t. The past few weeks had taught her that. They had assured her that sometimes love, sometimes passion weren’t enough. Kim had learned that long ago—with Sara’s father.
It all made sense…except to Molly’s heart. And what her heart knew was that she’d never love another man as she loved him. As she packed the last of her things and zipped up the bag, tears ran down her cheeks, hot and devastating. Still clothed and completely worn out, she crawled under the comforter and cried herself to sleep.
The following morning was somber and tinged with sadness. Molly had tried to camouflage her swollen eyes and rough cheeks with makeup, but it hadn’t worked very well. Sara picked at her cereal, her usual bubbly chatter absent. Kim made a second pot of coffee and Molly checked her watch. Eight forty-five. She had a little over an hour to make sure she had everything and say goodbye. Once things got settled, once she knew exactly what she was doing, she’d tell Kim her plans. But she didn’t want to say anything now, not when so much was undecided.
Time was too short. And it was too long. In some ways, she’d be much happier making it quick and painless and leaving right now.
“Maybe Sara and I can make a trip out this summer,” Kim offered. Her post-accident paleness was gone but unmistakable misery lined her face.
“I’d like that,” Molly replied, even though she doubted she’d still be in Calgary by summer. “We could go to the zoo and the dinosaur museum.”
Fun, hah. It sounded lackluster and they both knew it.
“You talked to Jason?”
Molly took a few moments to add sugar and cream to her coffee. She couldn’t exactly hide her face, so smiled ruefully and pointed to her eyes. “Obviously.”
It wasn’t in her to be mad at Kim for not telling her about kissing Jason. Molly had realized last night that with everything that had been dealt with over the past few weeks, she wasn’t even sure how that conversation could have taken place. The fact of the matter was that six years ago she’d left them both, and Kim was single and next door. It wasn’t fair of Molly to judge. In fact, what hurt the most was knowing that Kim would be better for him than she would. That Kim would make him happy in a way that Molly never had. All it would take was her getting out of the way so they could get on with it.
“Uncle Jason loves you,” Sara piped up, swirling her spoon in the milk in the bottom of her bowl.
“Sara!”
The girl looked up at her mother, eyes wide and innocent. “Well, he does. ’Cause he was kissing her the way you said people kiss when they love each other.”
Kim’s cheeks flamed brilliant red, as did Molly’s. She didn’t intend for Kim to find out exactly what had happened at Jason’s last night, and that carried its own level of guilt.
“Honey, why don’t you make sure your hair and teeth are brushed? I’ll be up in a minute.”
Sara slid off her chair and headed for the stairs, but turned at the last minute. “I wish you could stay, Aunt Molly. You’re fun.”
Molly couldn’t help but choke out a laugh. Had it only been a few short weeks ago when she’d been at her wits end trying to care for Sara? Her feelings for her niece now went far beyond any familial obligation. Sara would be the bright spot when she returned, either for a visit or if Molly decided to come back east to stay.
When she was gone, Kim said quietly, “What kiss?”
Molly sighed. “The day we went sledding. Sara and I pulled a
trick on him, and one thing led to another… I’m sorry Sara saw it, though. We should have been more discreet…”
“You guys are idiots.”
Molly’s cheeks flushed brighter. “Thanks a lot.”
Kim stood up and took her mug to the sink, but Molly could tell but the restless way she moved that she was more than a little annoyed.
“You guys love each other. You always have.” Kim put the mug on the counter and spun, pinning her sister with an accusing stare. “Yet you’re both so stubborn!”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then explain it to me. Explain how you can turn your back on a man who loves you so much, one that you love! One who wants to marry you and give you children and a home?”
Molly kept her voice level. “That’s your dream, Kim, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. Maybe now…with me out of the way…” she started to stammer and her cheeks flushed deeply. How in the world could she find a graceful way to say this? “You are the kind of woman Jason wants. What he needs. It’s better if I go now.”
“What in the world are you talking about?” Kim folded her arms and stared at Molly.
“I know about you and Jason.”
“What about us?”
“About…about the kiss. But it’s more than that. I’ve seen how you are together. He cares for you so much, and I’m sorry I’ve stood in the way of that. Maybe now—”
“You really are crazy.” Kim left her spot and took the chair next to Molly. “You seriously think there’s anything between Jason and me?”
“He told me about kissing you. I saw his face when he told me about your accident. And then the day you came home…when he said the place had never been the same without you. It all adds up, don’t you see?”
Kim smiled gently. “I can see it adds up for you.”
“Jason’s always wanted a home here, and his business, and a family of his own. He wants all the things that you want. But he’s never felt free to move on, and that’s my fault for letting things end so badly.”
“You’re right, of course.”
Molly’s eyes widened as Kim smiled fondly.
“We do want the same things. But not with each other. Didn’t Jason tell you about the kiss?”
“He told me you’d kissed. That’s all.”
“He helped me one night, and when he left he surprised the hell out of me.” Kim chuckled lightly. “The kiss was a flop. I wasn’t you. And I knew it. The convenience of it wasn’t enough. I love Jason as a brother and best friend. I was still half in love with Sara’s father and he was still in love with you.”
Kim blushed but pursued. “We agreed not to tell you. We didn’t want to cause problems over something that doesn’t even matter anymore.”
And if nothing had really happened…. She could even understand why they hadn’t told her. Sure, she’d gone ballistic on Jason, but there was too much between them. Small things took on giant proportions where they were concerned.
“So you’re not in love with him?”
“Of course not. We just…get each other.”
Molly’s brow furrowed. “But that’s what I mean. You’re just much better suited.”
“Love doesn’t have to have a reason, Mol.” Kim reached out and took Molly’s hand. “Are you seriously going to sit there and tell me you don’t love Jason Elliot?”
Ah, the moment of truth. She was leaving, what did it matter now if she confessed all to her sister?
“Of course not. I still love him. I always have. But the reasons why I left six years ago haven’t changed. At all.”
Kim’s shoulders slumped. “Neither one of you has ever been able to compromise.”
Molly stood, pushing her chair in to the table. She was so tired of no one getting this!
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’d compromise in a second. I would have then, too. But Jason doesn’t leave any room for compromise. Would you want us to get married, have a kid or two and end up resenting each other? What kind of life would that be? You have a daughter. Would you want that for her?”
Kim looked away and Molly felt a brief stab of guilt. Kim didn’t even know where the lowlife was now. Sara had never even met her father. Probably never would.
“You know I wouldn’t want that for either of you.”
“Neither do I. I was wrong to leave things as I did. I know that. I admitted it to Jason, even. I didn’t want to leave things so badly this time. I went over to talk to him last night, but I realized nothing has changed with him. He still wants me to fit into his plans for a perfect life. And that’s why I’m leaving.” Tears threatened again. “I’m not leaving because I’m some cold-hearted career woman. I’ve been hurt enough, surely you can see that much.”
Kim came forward and wrapped her arms around her sister. “I’m sorry, Mol,” she whispered. “I just got used to having you back. Now you’re leaving again, and I want you to stay. You’re all the family I have.”
Molly sniffled loudly. “I know, and I’m sorry I’ve been selfish and stayed away so long. I wasn’t going to tell you this but… I’m quitting my job. I want to come home. Maybe not here—it’d be too awkward—but closer. Closer to you and Sara.”
“And closer to Jason.”
“That’s over. We ended everything last night.”
Kim tipped up Molly’s chin. “He doesn’t know you’re coming back.”
Molly shook her head. “No. He did exactly the same thing, Kim. Presented me with this whole plan of how my life would go for the next few years. Didn’t even ask what I wanted. I can’t do it.”
Kim hugged her again. “I know.”
They pulled apart, smiling self-consciously. Not in years had they shown so much affection, been as honest with each other.
“There’s more to life than climbing the corporate ladder. I think I’m ready to see that now. That and whatever else life has to offer.”
“My big sister is growing up,” Kim quipped, breaking the tension and making them both laugh.
“I’ve gotta go,” Molly said sadly. “I need to return my rental and get checked in. You know the drill.”
“You’re sure you don’t want us to come with you?”
“I’m sure. I said my goodbyes to Jason last night, and I want to get on that plane without crying. If you and Sara are there, I’ll lose it for sure. But I’ll call you and let you know my plans as soon as I can.”
Sara came back downstairs, blonde curls brushed prettily and flashing her newly cleaned teeth. “See, Aunt Molly? I did it like you showed me.”
Molly smiled. “That’s right, sweet thing.” Her voice broke a bit as she used one of Jason’s pet names for her niece. “Listen, I’ve got to go now. But you be a good girl for your mom, okay?” She knelt down and hugged Sara’s warm body, filling with bittersweet joy as the little arms squeezed around her neck. “I promise it won’t be so long before I see you again.” She kissed the baby-soft cheek pressed so close to her own.
“I’ll miss you.”
“Oh, I’ll miss you, too. More than you’ll know. Thanks for being such a good girl for me while Mom was in the hospital.”
Molly put on her overcoat, the one she’d worn when she’d come home, and twisted the scarf around her neck.
“Okay. Just a ’til next time, then. I’ll call you when I get in to Calgary.”
Kim stayed where she was, keeping the moment as light as they possibly could. “Thank you, for everything. We couldn’t have managed without you.”
“Anytime,” Molly answered and, with a false smile, grabbed her suitcase and lugged it through the door to the waiting car.
*
Jason poured another cup of coffee from the office pot, grimacing at how thick and black the brew seemed to be today. He needed it, though. He’d stayed up most of the previous night, replaying his goodbye to Molly.
Maybe he should have fought more, tried harder. But he hadn’t, because somewhere in the back of his mind he’d known she was
right, and it had cut his argument off at the knees. Now he was in the middle of his work day, keeping appointments and doing what he did best…healing. Although why he was so competent healing animals but not dealing with his own problems, he didn’t understand.
Pouring the remainder of his caffeine sludge down the sink, he went to his next appointment. Work had always been his panacea, the one thing that grounded him, and he knew he’d been right to follow his dream of becoming a vet. Normally, his troubles evaporated when he was here at the clinic he’d started on his own. But now, when his mind should be on work, he couldn’t escape the sad look in Molly’s eyes last night. She hadn’t been angry, just accepting. Knowing exactly what he would say because he’d been thinking the same way he had when he’d proposed all those years ago.
He wanted a family, a wife and a couple of kids running around. A haven to come home to at the end of the day. It was what he’d always wanted, ever since his brother had died and his parents had changed.
They loved him, he knew. And they’d stayed together through their grief, yet things had never been the same after Jonathan died, and more than anything Jason had wanted to recapture that familial happiness that had existed before the tragedy.
He knew that, acknowledged it. Stripping off his latex gloves, he sighed. But what he hadn’t understood, not really, was that he had been so single-mindedly focused on having the perfect family that he’d tried to command every single detail. He’d organized their life according to his vision, down to the most trivial thing, and spanning several years. Where they would live. Where they would work. When they’d have babies, for Pete’s sake! He had been so afraid of losing his chance at happiness and family that he’d taken control. He’d wanted that family only with the girl, then woman, he’d fallen in love with. And he’d been afraid of losing her, so he’d tried to order everything and make her fit the mold.