By now Debbie has been at home with the babies for three weeks. She is struggling to find the energy to take care of them. Chris and David’s parents are doing most of the heavy lifting but she can’t seem to get herself together. She feels like she’s falling apart on the inside. She decides to go to the doctor and asks what’s going on with her. The doctor tells her she has postpartum depression and it would be good for her to see a therapist once a week and start on a low dosage of medicine. Debbie is happy that she got a solution to her problem before things spiraled out of control. She doesn’t tell anyone she’s gone to see the doctor but she is noticeably better than she had previously been. But, something still doesn’t feel right and she can’t figure out what it is. But, she pushes that to the back of her mind and focuses on taking care of her babies.
While all of this is going on Chris is having a silent mental breakdown. No one knows by looking at him that he is being shredded to pieces. He sees his friends and they all seem to have everything going for them. He feels like he’s being left out. It’s been especially hard after finishing school. He can’t seem to find where he fits. He’s not satisfied at work. He’s not satisfied with his work at the church. He just feels like there is something much more out there for him but he just doesn't know how to get it. He prays every night tha God’ll show him the plan so he’ll know what to do. He asks for help in making decisions. But, he feels like God is not answering him. So, he is trying to make things work that aren’t and he’s frustrated at himself. He feels worthless and alone. And he doesn’t have anyone in his life to tell him he’s doing fine and to stay still so he can hear God whisper the plans in his ear.
Anika has been sitting at the table trying to read her Bible. But, she can’t seem to find God in the words. She tries and tries but finally slams the Bible shut. She puts her head on the table and rubs her eyes hoping that would help her see God. She opens the Bible and looks through Psalms to find something that speaks to her, but she finds nothing and shuts the Bible again. Anderson walks in and notices that Anika is frustrated. “You ever feel like God is not there?” Anika questions Anderson. “Yeah sometimes. But those are just my feelings I know that He is always around.” Anderson says calmly. Anika sets back in her chair. “I don’t know why I can’t seem to find Him,” she says sadly. “I know He knows I need Him. But, I’m flipping through the Bible and He’s just not saying anything.” Anika says. Anderson and Anika look at each other for a moment hoping the answer will fall out of the sky (it doesn’t). “I think you have to open the eyesof yoir heart and ser asids your expectations amd let God give yoi what you need," Anderson says.
On Friday Anika and Anderson head to Mountain View. The trips takes them seven hours and they arrive in Mountain view about noon. They go straight to the hospital and find Anderson’s parents. His mom wraps Anika and him in a bear hug. She looks them up and down. She’s happy to see them both. “You’re glowing Anika dear! Are you pregnant?” she asks. Anika’s eyes nearly fall out of her head “No ma’ma,” she replies quickly. Anderson and Anika look at each other. Gretchen leaves them in the lobby and goes back into her brothers room. “What was that?” Anika asks. A puzzled look comes across Anderson’s face “I honestly don’t know,” he replies. Anderson goes into the room where his uncle is, Anika stays in the lobby to give them time together. What Gretchen had said early rings in her head. Have I gained weight she wondered. Do I look pregnant? No, I haven’t eaten a lot of food lately. I don’t even know if I’m late or not because my period is to inconsistent. And I’ve felt fine. After going round and round trying to figure out why Gretchen had said that to her she decides that Gretchen is just trying to find a reason why her brother is dead. The one in one out thing she guessed. Her thoughts had occupied her so much that she didn’t even notice how much time had passed. Anderson is ready to go in what seems like minutes but it’s 2:00 now. “You wanna eat?” Anderson asks. “Yeah, sure.” Anika replies.
The car ride to the restaurant is quite. Anika and Anderson just stare straight ahead not speaking to each other lost in their thoughts. Anderson is so lost in his thoughts he passes the restaurant and ends up at the beach. He parks the car and sits back in his seat. Anika looks over at him and grabs his hand. “Talk to me,” she says. Anderson closes his eyes as if trying to shut the world out and get his thoughts together. He opens his eyes and turns to face Anika. “My uncle was the best guy I ever knew. He was my mentor I guess. He’s the person to help me get serious about this whole Christianity thing. And I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.” Anderson says sincerely. “He was the one helping me with all of this. I’ve been terrified of doing this alone. What if I fail and let him down while losing the Christianity that I have now? I know this is all crazy and may never happen but it all seems so scary,” he says looking at the beach. Anika turns his face towards her. “Anderson the only way you can lose everything that your uncle gave you is if you choose to. He gave you the tools and helped you start building who you are but you have to do the rest and trust that God started a perfect work and He will finish it. You know as well as I do nothing happens by mistake I guess we both just have to figure out why all of these things have happened like they have,” Anika says.
The next few days are long, sad, and happy. Anika watched the Peterson family say goodbye to a man she had come to learn was pretty spectacular. But, one thing she learned is that the Peterson family didn’t wallow in their sadness instead they had dinner and shared every crazy and happy memory of Uncle Tim. The funeral was like a concert and they had his favorite bands sing and people would tell why he loved the song and a memory they had of him. The concert took a lot of the sadness off the day. By the end of the day everyone was worn out and headed to bed.
Anika had been told multiple times that day that she was glowing and she was convinced that her new moisturizer was to thank for that. “I think you’re mom is telling people I’m pregnant Andy.” Anika. Anderson laughs “Me too.” They laugh for a minute. It’s the first time they’ve for real laughed in awhile. “But, you do look beautiful,” Anderson says . “I couldn’t help feeling like the luckiest guy today because I have the most beautiful girl in all the world,” he says smiling. Anika smiles from ear to ear. “ I couldn’t help but feel lucky myself to have the most handsome guy in world with me all day,” Anika says. As Anderson leans in to kiss Anika someone bangs on the wall. “Please not tonight!” Anderson’s brother yells through the wall. “I can’t take you two,” he says obviously annoyed. “Sorry Matt!” Anika yells. “It’s alright,” he yells back. Anika walks over to Matt’s room. “Hey you wanna watch a movie with us?” She asks. Matt jumps out of bed and goes down the hall to the living room. Anika goes to get Anderson and tells him they’re watching a movie with Matt. Anderson looks at her curiously and follows her to the living room. They all agree to watch the “Incredibles”. They stay up late watching the movie and end up falling asleep on the couch.
Gretchen is the first one up to make breakfast and she sees everyone asleep on the couch. She runs to get her camera because it’s an adorable moment and puts it in her scrapbook. She smiles happily and goes to make breakfast. Gretchen's husband John is the next to get up (because he wants dibs on all the food first). He tells his wife good morning and sits down to eat. “I see Anika finally won Matt over.” Gretchen smiles “I guess she has.”
The rest of the day Anika, Matt and Anderson hangout. They go to the movies, go karting, shopping, and they talk about all kinds of stuff. By the time they get home everyone is beat and ready to go to sleep. As soon as Matt hits the pillow he’s asleep. Anika and Anderson talk for a while and then go to sleep.
The next morning Anika and Anderson leave. Happy to have had a few days of rest before they get back into life.
Chapter 11
Coming Down Chris, Debbie, Anika, and Anderson are having dinner at Debbie’s house. It’s been awhile since the group has been together and they want to catch up. They don’t discuss h
ow hard it’s been for them the past few weeks they just find comfort in each others company. But, the night ends and everyone has to go home. It has been an exceptionally hard time for the bunch. They have felt lonelier than they had ever felt and this time they couldn’t shake the feelings off.
Chris lies on the couch awake his eyes bounce around the darkness of the room. He’s trying to figure out what his next move is because everything is falling and he can’t stop it. He feels like the world he’s created is sliding from up under his feet and he can’t stop it. He talked to his Pastor about these feelings and he didn’t really help. He told him something that was not relevant to his situation but sounded. Chris figured since he couldn’t get a good answer from him surely he could get a good answer from God. But, it seems like he isn’t answering either. So, he looks into the darkness as his mind swirls around. He can’t breathe trying to figure it all out his situation is suffocating him. What is he supposed to do now?
Debbie is sitting in the twins room. She watches them sleep to bring herself peace. She doesn’t understand what’s wrong with her. She’s taking her medicine and going to see the therapist but she still feels empty and she doesn’t know how to deal with that. She’s tried to explain it to her therapist but she’s not help. She’s tried to explain it to her Pastor but he’s no help. She tried to push the feeling aside but that didn’t work either. At this moment she doesn’t know what to do. And she’s scared that she’ll feel this way forever.
Anika lays in bed her eyes are closed but her mind is racing a trillion miles a minute. The images of her family laying in that room purple and life less lace themselves into her mind. She Tries to shake it off but it won’t leave her alone. She wonders why does she have to deal with this. Why couldn’t God have just kept her family alive instead of killing them all. She feels guilty that she keeps blaming God but she doesn’t know what elses to do but blame him. She’s stop trying to find Him because she thinks He is hiding from her and she’s lost in feelings of anger, lonliness, and guilt.
Anderson lays right next to Anika his back turned to her. He tries to make this heart stop racing so quickly. His heart feels like it’s going to explode. He is cared out of his mind. He knows God is going to get him through this but he’s scared that he’ll miss what God is going to do and he’ll be stuck. He’s scared he won’t know how to have a good relationship with God without his uncle’s guidance. He doesn’t understand why God would take his uncle away from him.
In our darkest hours of utter hopelessness. At our point of the deepest heart wrenching and soul breaking desperation that is where God can work the best because we have emptied ourselves of our ambitions or plans and He can work the way He wants and needs to.
Chapter 12
Rock Bottom We saw Anika at a pretty low point when we first met her. But, I think we all know that a low point can always get lower. I heard somebody say once “the lower you go the higher you'll go,” or something along those lines. But, no words can mentally prepare you for the lowest of low points. No preparation can save you from the hurt of the lowest of lows. The first time is the roughest but the times after that are ½ a point as rough. But the low place is where you're the rawest and most vulnerable.
Anika hasn't been able to focus lately she feels everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. She feels completely out of control and that everything is slipping slowly away from her. Her and Anderson have been in two different galaxies for a couple of weeks. Too distraught to even think about helping each other. They speak to each other but they're individual thoughts are so loud that they can only hear them.
Debbie and Chris are the having the same issues as Anderson and Anika just add two babies. It's like zombieland in the house and no one can directly pinpoint why. They try to act like everything is okay but it's hard and no one is fooled.
Anika goes to work as usual today she is a million miles away at work. She's in charge of the store today because the owner put her in charge out of nowhere. She goes about her regular work and tries to stay present during the day but that doesn't work. She's so distracted by her thoughts she doesn't notice that a man has been sitting in the store in the corner for over five hours. It's nearly closing time and there are a few people in the store. Anika starts her closing duties and announces the store will close in five minutes. The few people in the store rush to the checkout and she checks them out. When they're on their way out the man who had been sitting in the corner jumps up. He has a flash and goes to hit a mother and her baby. Anika jumps across the counter and blocks the blow. She collapses to the floor and the woman runs out with there baby. The man continues to beat her with the back end of the flashlight. He beats her unconscious and leaves her in a pool of blood. Anika thinks this is it the moment she's going to die. She closes her eyes and falls unconscious.
Anderson comes home to an empty apartment. This is a signal something is wrong. Anika is always home before he is. He checks his phone nothing from Anika. He texts Debbie and Chris and asks them if they've seen Anika. They both say no but they'll keep an eye out. Anderson gets into his car and drives downtown to see if Anika's alright.
Anderson pulls up to the store and the lights are still on. He assumes Anika hasn't finished closing yet so he gets back in the car. He sits in the car and puts the key in the ignition but something doesn't feel right. He gets out of the car and walks in the store as soon as he steps inside his feet land in a pool of blood. He follows the trail of blood and finds Anika beaten and bleeding at the end of it. He runs to her, he checks to see if she has a pulse. It's weak but she has once he calls 9-1-1 an tells them he's bringing her into the ER. He picks her up and gets her into the car and pulls out of the lot. He drives well over the speed limit and pulls into the ER parking lot. He grabs Anika and runs inside. He yells for help and a team of people swarm him. Anika is quickly taken out of sight and Anderson is left standing alone. He stands in shock he looks at his clothes covered with Anika's blood. He prays that she’ll come through this because he can't afford to lose the love of his life. He sits in the waiting room for hours waiting for updates. There are none. He calls his mom. But, she doesn't answer. He calls his dad and but he doesn't answer. He tries to call other people but no one answers. He decides to call the one person he knows will answer. He goes to the chapel and immediately gets on his knees. He prays from his soul pouring his heart out to God. He begs God not to take Anika but to restore her to the healthy happy person she used to be. In the end he knows it's not his will but God's will that is going to be done. This doesn't discourage him from asking God to save her but I'm his heart he knows that His will is better than his wants.
While Anderson is pouring out his heart Anika is having an encounter of her own. Anika has been in surgery for a few hours now and she's been on a crazy journey. “Anika,” a commanding voice says. Anika looks around trying to see who it is. “Anika,” the voice says again. “Yes,” she says. The voice tells her to come where it is. She follows the voice until she's standing in front of this light that's so bright she can't look at it. She wonders, is this the light everybody talks about? “Anika why won't you trust Me?” The commanding voice says a little hurt. “Because I don't know you,” Anika says confused. “Anika why won't you trust Me?” Anika realizes what's going on and she answers honestly. “ Because you keep hurting me,” she says. “Everything I love You take from me. Everytime I get closer to you my life gets harder. Everytime I pull away I lose something. There is just no winning with You. So I can't trust You because you take away everything I love,” Anika says a hint of anger in her voice. “Why do you think I want to hurt you? Don't you know my heart hurts when I see you suffering?” “ It seems like you're out to get me lately. Is this a Job situation where You’re letting the devil torment me?” Anika says. “I just don't understand why you took my entire family away from me,” Anika says tears streaming down her face. “ I’m never out to get you in a vengeful way Anika. I want your heart so I can use you for My plan. I'm ne
ver trying to hidt you. Some people have already fulfilled their part in my plan and their earthly duty is done.” “But, my brothers and sisters were so young they hadn't even gotten a chance at a life!” Anika says. “ The life you speak of is only temporary. It's a vapor in the wind. But, life with Me is forever and ever and ever and ever. Don't get caught up in the people and places in this life Anika. Get caught up in Me. If you get caught up in Me you'll be free from from the weight that has been weighing you down.” Anika sits down. And talks for a long time.
The nurse finally comes out to give Anika's family update. She looks around and sees Anderson. “Do you know where the girl you brought in family is?” She asks. Anderson stands up. “That's me. What's going on?” He asks. The nurse laughs “that's sweet but I need her parents.” Anderson explains Anika and his situation. The nurse pulls up Anika information and finally tells Anderson what's going on. Anika has just gotten out of surgery and she's waking up now. The nurse leads Anderson to Anika's room. Anika is all bandaged up and she smiles when Anderson when he walks in. “You're not going to believe what happened.” She says.
Anika tells about the encounter she had with God. Anderson is in shock because he had just had a crazy experience with God to. Isn't it cool how He works? The rest of the night Anika and Anderson discuss everything they went through.
Chris and Debbie don't know about Anika's situation but they are having an encounter of their own. Debbie and Chris have just put the babies down an are sitting in the living room. They're talking when suddenly a loud wind starts up outside. The house rattles and shakes. Chris and Debbie look at each other. And in an instant it stops. Chris sits back in the couch. Debbie looks at him. “Chris that was my answer! Well out answer!” Chris looks at her as if to also what is she talking about. “ Look we've both been going through some stuff spiritually. I don't know your whole deal but I prayed about my next step. And apparently you're apart of that step. We're supposed to start something here Chris.” Chris sits up. “ Tell me why I've been thinking about starting a thing that helps young soon to be and new mother's and father’s,” Chris exclaims. Debbie smiles at him. “Meet me at the table in 2 minutes. I have to go get my book, so we can plan this out!” Chris dashes to his room. In two minutes he's back with two notebooks, pens, and drawing tools. Him and Debbie get to work on this plan. They ask God for the direction and work well into the early hours of the morning on their plan.
Finding Him Page 6