The Deepest Blue

  I wait for what is coming next, but Maggie is silent.

  We sit like this, Rocket between us, Dad present somewhere in the room, and nothing being said. It is dark outside, but the rain has slowed. Finally we stand, and I make my way to my room, slip into a T-shirt and my boxers, and crawl into bed. Rocket hops up with me, curls up by my feet, and begins softly snoring. The cool sheets and the faint smell of rain-soaked pine comfort me. It feels like home. My eyes close on their own, and I sink into the darkness and let it wrap around me.

  I find myself on the deck of the Mighty Mike, the sun beating down but a cool breeze lifting off the water. I call out for my dad, but he doesn’t answer. I look all over the boat, but he isn’t there.

  But I can feel him. I move up to the bow and look over the edge into the deepest part of the water. It fades from clear, to pale blue, to the deepest blue, and I can just see his face. The breeze stops, and the water turns to glass. I can see him as plain as if he were right in front of me.

  “I wanted to go with you,” I say. “I almost wanted the boat to sink so I could be with you.”

  I can hear his voice, feel it resonating in my head and in my chest. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

  “But I miss you, Dad,” I say, and it is my five-year-old voice that sounds scared and lonely.

  “I’m right here, son.”

  I turn and there is Dad, standing behind me. He is alive and perfect, except for the long, white scar that curves across his nose and back toward his scalp. I reach out for him, eyes closed and arms wide, and I feel him, warm and strong, close to me, moving through me. When I open my eyes, he is gone. The ache in my body is so strong that I turn back to the water and prepare myself to dive in. I will allow the water to close in over my head, pulling me down, and then I will inhale, taking the salty liquid deep into my lungs. I’ll sink down until I can’t see the boat, or the sky, or the surface anymore.

  “No, son.” I hear in my head again.

  I look everywhere, but I can’t see him. “Please,” I beg. “I miss you so much. Please let me come with you.”

  I feel the warmth again. “You are with me. You will always be with me. No one can take you from me. No one can take me from you.”

  I smell the salty mist from the breeze mingled with the pines. I can sense Rocket beside me and Dad close by. I’m crying again, and I know I’m dreaming, but I don’t care. I feel a calmness move through me, feel Dad’s voice vibrate in my head and in my heart.

  “I love you, Dad.”

  “I love you, too, son.”

  Rocket thumps his tail on the bed. Finally, I let myself fall into the deepest sleep.

  The End

  acknowledgments

  Special Thanks:

  To Mike, for your unending patience and support of my dream, even when it isn't easy to believe.

  To Amanda, for your music, your humor, and your awesome T-Rex impersonation.

  To Carson and Emery, for showing me the wonderful and complicated minds of teenage boys, and for helping to bring Michael to life. Your insights were invaluable, and the assistance you gave me helped to tell a story that I believe in with my whole heart.

  To Peggy, for seeing in this story what I saw when I wrote it, and for always believing in my ability to do better and to go deeper.

  about the author

  Author Kim Williams Justesen is a Salt Lake City native who now lives in Sandy, Utah. In third grade she wrote her first book, A Pony of My Own, and then wrote a book report about it. Her amazing teacher, Mrs. Saenz (now Shirley Lohnes), saw promise in the work and encouraged Kim to consider being a writer. Mrs. Saenz also made Kim choose a book from the library and write a new book report.

  Kim earned a B.A. in English from Westminster College and an M.F.A. in Writing from Vermont College. She spent twelve years as a writer in the advertising and public relations field, has written for various Internet sites including City Search and Utah Parent, and has taught numerous English and creative writing courses at local colleges for more than 15 years. Many of her former students have gone on to become published writers themselves. Her first novel, Kiss Kiss Bark, was published in 2006 by Tanglewood Press.

  When she isn’t writing, Kim enjoys movies, snow shoeing, and knitting. One of her favorite things in the entire world, however, is sitting down to enjoy a good book with some really good chocolate nearby.