by Ian Williams
I’m just saying what she says. I am forbidden.
When I was a kid, we’d call people like you mama’s boys.
What’s the alternative?
* * *
+
I didn’t mean that you were a mama’s boy. I’m just tired of hearing what Felicia says.
Why don’t you ever call after six when she’s home?
I didn’t think I needed to.
She’s got feelings, you know.
Of course, she has feelings. I have feelings. You have feelings. Let’s work on one set of feelings at a time.
Yours?
No, yours.
* * *
+
Don’t you enjoy talking to me? You, not Felicia. You.
Lately, it’s been hit or miss. You’re very abstract.
I don’t think you’re abstract.
Because I’m not.
* * *
+
So you’re just going to stop talking to me?
Boss, don’t act like you love me.
* * *
+
How’s business? How’s your girlfriend?
That’s really what you want to talk about?
* * *
+
You think it was easy to find you? And now you want to give me hell because your mother’s fed you some Nazi story about me all your life.
Boss, easy on the yo-mamma business. You stumbled on me. You were looking for her.
* * *
+
If you close this door, it’s final. I’m not going to come looking for you again. You hear me? It’s your call.
Stage four. Bargaining. It’s okay. I’m here to get you through this.
* * *
+
You think I don’t replay my life every night now that I know you’re out there? You think I don’t wish for a time machine?
Invisibility. That’s the real superpower.
How can you take this so lightly?
I have fifteen years on you, Boss.
* * *
+
You’ll understand when you’re grown up. At first, you think it’s okay being single and then all of a sudden it’s not. Then one day you wake up rolling down a hill. The momentum is enough to make you tumble along. Although you’re alone. I can’t go back to pretending you’re not real, Army.
Who’s pretending? I’m just a voice on the phone. Think of me that way.
* * *
+
What do you want me to do?
Yeah, Boss, I don’t know. But my mojo’s all messed up with this energy.
I’m not well, you know.
Don’t go there. You’re doing well.
I sometimes look at kids on the street and think they might be you.
They might be.
When you turn eighteen, maybe you’ll come to your own decision?
Maybe.
So. Later then.
Peace.
1. PERCENTAGES
Army
At first, Army was 99 percent sure, then 98 percent sure, and now he was down to 96 percent sure that he couldn’t be the father. It was biologically impossible from what he understood about reproduction. He would have had to had had, have had to had had, sex.
He may have told Coughdrop and the others that he had had sex with a girl from his old neighbourhood—
Who? they asked.
You don’t know her, he said.
Who?
I gots to protect shorty’s rep. I ain’t like you hounds.
—and he may have had had lots of sex in his head with lots of women, both local and famous, unknown to them, but Heather never let him put it in.
2. A CLARIFICATION
Army
—and he may have had had lots of realish sex with his pillow and lots of simulated sex with his palm and lots of concocted sex with a girl on his former street, and lots of mindblowing, albeit entirely imaginary, sex with lots of real women, but Heather never let him put it in.
3. HEALTH CLASS
Army
Army’s 4 percent of uncertainty nagged him well into November.
During the two-week Health block, his class had to sit in a portable that stank of wet-boy (umbrellas were for chumps) and learn about bodies instead of playing indoor kickball.
Army was being disruptive that day because he excelled at kickball. And he was bored of etching penises into his tablet-arm desk.
The uterus sheds its lining every twenty-eight days, Mr. Collins said while colouring a uterus red on the overhead. The correct term, and the one I expect you to use, is—
Army interrupted: I have a friend who said he got a girl pregnant through her belly button.
The other boys turned their attention from their penises.
True story, Mr. Collins. He was pumping on her and his juice—
I’ve told you twice—
Sorry, sorry, his sperm, got all over her stomach, in her belly button, everywhere, I mean it totally covered her, soaked her to the bone, and like a month later she was pregnant.
You finished? Mr. Collins asked. He uncapped a fresh red marker. Can we get back to menstruation now?
I thought you was supposed to be answering our questions and stuff.
Mr. Collins stretched his back. A male cannot impregnate a female through her belly button anywhere in nature.
I know that. That’s what I told him. But he swears that his sperm ran down, because she was like drenched, ran down into her ’gina, vagina, sorry, and then swam up into her uterus.
That’s some Olympic sperm, someone called out.
Ben Johnson sperm right there, someone else said.
You done now? Mr. Collins said.
Army danced the worm with his arm. You know, jet propulsion tails and stuff.
Mr. Collins continued colouring the uterus red. Army made the penis erupt on his desk.
4. REVISED CURRICULUM
Army
Army lay in bed, strumming his pubic hair.
What if, in fact, he had had sex with Heather and didn’t know it? What if his Olympic sperm had been absorbed through her skin directly into her uterus and was like, How you doin’, to the egg and the ovum was like, Not interested, and the spermatozoon was like, Can a brother say hello? and the ovum was like, Hello, but really stush, and the spermatozoon went, You gon’ offer me a glass of water? and the ovum was like, I ain’t got none, and the spermatozoon was like, I thought y’all was supposed to be hospitable, and the ovum was like, I don’t know you, and the spermatozoon was like, Stop playing, girl, you know me, and the ovum was like, Army? and the spermatozoon was like, Who you expecting? Bill Clinton? and the ovum was like, I didn’t make you out, and the spermatozoon was like, Turn on a light up in here. Let me see what I’m working with, and the ovum was fine and the spermatozoon waggled its neck toward her face and, boom, baby.
5. CAESAREAN
Army
If you could cut a baby out of a woman’s stomach, then surely you could put one in through her stomach. Surely maybe couldn’t you?
6. TEST TUBE
Army
Or what if one of Heather’s Tic Tacs fell out into her panties then slipped down her pant leg and he stepped on it in the barbershop and then while cutting his toenails he got it on his hands then while he was sleeping it brushed against dried ejaculate on his sheets and the next morning he touched a doorknob then Heather touched the same doorknob then went to the bathroom and the zygote crawled back into her vajayjay while she was wiping herself?
7. ALTERNATE ROUTE
Army
and the next morning he touched a doorknob then Heather touched the same doorknob then pulled some hair from her mouth and the zygote jumped in and got tangled up in her digestive system and ended up in her hooha and, boom, baby.
8. A ROSE AIN’T A ROSE AIN’T A ROSE
Felicia
Armistice’s birth certificate identified Edgar Gross as the father because he is the father, becau
se Felicia thought he might change his mind about participation, because the child should not bear the indignity of fatherlessness nor should she bear the iniquity of whoredom, because, because, because. Consequently, Armistice’s surname was Gross not Shaw.
And in all situations where she and Army must appear together and did not require proof of identity, Felicia went by Gross. In parent-teacher interviews, for instance. To his friends, for another. Yet on her bills she was Shaw. At work, she was Shaw. Before the Lord, depending on which church she went to and whom she was speaking to, she was either Shaw or Gross. As far as possible, she took the example of Madonna and Cher and encouraged Army to emulate Bozo.
Bono, Mom.
9. FATHER
Heather
Heather said the father was not the father.
10. IDENTIFICATION
Heather
She looked between her legs at the floral pattern on the loveseat and agreed with her mother.
Yes, she said with the s and everything.
Same boy you brought into this house in June?
I just told you.
Her mother counted months on her fingers. July, August, September, October, and it’s only now you’re telling me. Four months, Heather. What do you expect me to do after four months?
It’s not four months. Heather’s thigh obscured a pink carnation. I saw him after that.
Heather, I told you I did not want you seeing him anymore.
Yeah, well.
From this minute, you understand me, I don’t want you seeing Bruno or talking to Bruno. You’re not going to tell him about this baby.
I knowwuh.
Repeat after me.
Mom, I’m sixteen. Save that for Hendrix.
Repeat: I will not see—
I’m not repeating after you.
I will not see Bruno—
I will not see Bruno again and I will not tell him that I’m pregnant and I’ll just sit in the house all day playing clarinet and repeating after you until I die. Happy?
11. W5: HARD-HITTING INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM
Heather
What she did know was that she didn’t know who the father was for sure, but she couldn’t tell her mother that. She also knew that she didn’t know what happened to her in the backseat. Or why. She was pretty sure about the when and where.
She could have pronounced—you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride—Army the father but that wouldn’t be true.
Not that her lie was any truer.
12. THE MAURY POVICH SHOW HAD NOT YET DESCENDED INTO CASE AFTER CASE OF PATERNITY TESTING.
Heather
HEATHER
I is 100 percent, no, more than that, I is 256 percent sure that Skinnyboy is the father of my baby.
MAURY
You sure sound sure.
HEATHER
That’s ’cause I is sure, Maury. Just look at them.
(A projection of the baby, split screen with SKINNYBOY, appears. The audience vocalizes agreement.)
SKINNYBOY
That baby don’ look nothing like me.
(Audience boos.)
I don’ know ’bout Tom, but she been sleeping around with Dick and Harry.
(Audience laughs.)
MAURY
Well, we don’t need to speculate anymore. I’ve got the results right here in this envelope. Is Carter Hardwick the father of Heather’s baby? (Beat.) We’ll find out, after the break.
(Applause. Music.)
13. AFTER THE BREAK
Heather
MAURY
I have the test results in this envelope right here. Are you ready?
SKINNYBOY
Ready as I ever gon’ be.
HEATHER
We don’t even need to open that envelope and go through all that, Maury. I done told you what’s up.
MAURY
With respect to the unnamed child of Heather Soares, Carter (pause) you are the father.
HEATHER
In your face! In your face!
(She stands up and slaps the bill of his cap.)
14. AFTER THE BREAK, ALT.
Heather
MAURY
I have the test results in this envelope right here. Are you ready?
SKINNYBOY
Ready as I ever gon’ be.
HEATHER
We don’t even need to open that envelope and go through all that, Maury. I done told you what’s up.
(To herself)
Waste people’s time. (Bleep.)
MAURY
With respect to the unnamed child of Heather Soares, Carter (pause) you (pause) are not the father.
SKINNYBOY
I toldjou! I toldjou!
(HEATHER runs off stage with her face in her hands. An eruption of bleeps.)
15. CLARINET
Ex
Because once upon a time Heather had played a lovely clarinet, a mean clarinet, the kind of clarinet only a middle-school girl could play behind her closed bedroom door. Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee? That was her jam.
She kept her music in plastic sleeves in a black binder. The worst thing that could happen on the face of the earth was to break her last reed. Then she woke up from a glass coffin in dark lipstick, plaid, and Doc Martens and decided she didn’t want to live anymore, or at least not happily. She started listening to amplifier feedback. She was no longer the kind of girl who played clarinet.
Her exact words were, You play it.
And now what was she putting in her mouth?
16. SCALE
Oliver
He thought eventually it might even out, his feelings for Heather and Hendrix. Yes, he loved both his children equally, but he preferred Heather. She was his image. If she and the ex were contemporaries, Heather would walk past her in the high school hallway and snarl. If he and Heather were colleagues, she would never demand his resignation from the school board or lay him off from the transit company or take steel wool to his masculinity in general. Hendrix might.
Maybe if Hendrix had come first, the dynamics would be different. But Oliver and Heather had some good years before Hendrix. Hendrix was always his mother’s. His mother had determined to make him her own after Heather had taken to Oliver so easily from day one.
They could have divided the children evenly in the divorce agreement.
17. RECORD
Oliver
But, for the record, he loved both his children equally.
18. LIFE BEGINS AT
Hendrix
Hendrix was under orders not to say a word about his sister’s pregnancy to anyone.
Do you understand me? his mother asked. Not a soul.
He put on his hat and his Beetlejuice backpack and went out the front door. He got as far as the end of the street, then he turned and plodded back to the house and rang the doorbell.
Except? he asked.
What does not a soul mean? his mother asked.
Does that mean I can’t talk to Heather about the baby?
Heather knows she’s pregnant.
She’s a soul. Or Dad? Or you? Can I talk to the baby about the baby? Is the baby a soul? Can I talk to the baby without talking to Heather? Does the baby share a soul with Heather? Can I—
Hendrix! His mother clamped his shoulders. Do, not, tell, any, body, you, see, today, about, the, baby. Got it?
Then she spun him around and sent him down the street in an enormous soap bubble of silence.
19. THE PARTS OF A LETTER, A CLASS ASSIGNMENT
Hendrix
Dear Army,
How are you? I am fine. Are you still cuting hair? I made it to level 5 of double dragon. You have to click back fast when the guy throws die dynamite. How’s Dad? Something hapened to Heather but I cant tell you what.
Sincerely,
Hendrix
20. SHE SAID
Heather
Heather said, I can’t talk long, but she was saying she was pregnant. She said, Are you alone? but she was saying she
was pregnant. She said, Even if your cast is off, your ankle’s gonna hurt every time it rains, but she was saying she was pregnant. How much clearer could she be? When she finally said, I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant, she was saying, Do you think I’m a slut?
21. HE SAID
Army
With incredible longsuffering, Army endured the eons it took Felicia to remove her shoes when she came home. Before she could place them on the shoe rack, he burst.
Heather’s pregnant, he said, but really he was saying, Heather’s pregnant.
22. WORD TO YOUR MOTHER
Skinnyboy
Skinnyboy had heard from Diane who heard from Army that Heather was pregnant. Skinnierboy had too.
Among themselves, they didn’t entertain the possibility that it could be one of them.
She used to follow me around work, Skinnyboy said.
Yeah, she used to flash her tits for money, Skinnierboy said.
She was a ssslut, they said.
Nevertheless, Skinnyboy very hastily joined the Reserves.
23. GUITAR
Skinnyboy
After Skinnyboy enrolled in Royal Military College and moved to Kingston, the church needed a new guitarist.
Old dude subs in from time to time, Skinnierboy said. Heather’s dad. I’m gonna quit Praise Team.
24. SHOULDN’T BE
Oliver
The current topic under discussion between Oliver and the ex-wife was where Heather should have the baby. Where not whether. Ideally, she should be sent to a girls’ school in upstate New York and come back thin in a poodle skirt and a tiny chiffon scarf around her neck with her arms empty.
She shouldn’t be having a baby, Oliver said.
And that made the ex-wife disagree immediately. Heather would have the baby.
Oliver meant shouldn’t be differently.
25. IT’S ABOUT TIME