by Ian Williams
The exception was when Sophie died and he drank hard for weeks. He drank until he recovered a memory of Sophie at a gas station in the Midwest, deveining a leaf on the trunk of his car. And another at the altar in Vegas, because it was a joke to her, kissing his forehead in holy matrimony.
110. RUM SHOPS vs. WINE SHOPS
Edgar
Felicia told him the most marvellous stories of rum shops. In a tropical, faraway land, men sat in sheds under the intermittent breeze from an electric fan, watching a little mounted TV in the corner, reading newspapers, practicing politics, and drinking away their family money.
He would drink crystal, drink ruby, drink amethyst, drink amber, drink onyx. Drink all Mutter’s jewellery.
There was a privately owned liquor store that he enjoyed visiting in Toronto and a better one in Calgary. The one in Calgary had wines laid out in nooks like future closets for rich women’s shoes. Dark bottles. Standing, lying in geometrical mosaic patterns from a Turkish mosque.
The store was owned by either a Spanish man or a blonde woman who employed either a blonde woman or a Spanish man. They sorted the store by region. One could walk from North America to Chile to Argentina to Portugal to Spain to France to Italy to Australia to New Zealand within a few feet.
111. PROVERBS 20:1
Felicia
Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.
112. SOMETIMES THE ONLY
Edgar
He was on a first-name basis with the Spanish man and the blonde woman. They shipped him wine and cards of thick toothy paper at Christmas.
The quality of the postcard paper impressed him as did the quality of the pen used as did the class and gossamer of their humour.
But the bass note of their friendship, if he could call it that, was the money, thousands, he had spent travelling the globe in their store.
113. PAIRINGS
Edgar
While the blonde woman had excellent recommendations about wine pairings, she missed its more adventitious combinations with Mars, Reese’s, Caramilk, Crunchie, Bounty, Crispy Crunch, and of course M&Ms.
The Spanish man and blonde woman would make a good couple. He teased them gently together but had spoken seriously to each of them separately. When he spoke to the blonde woman, she thought that he might be asking after her status because he himself had interest in changing it. He noted her disappointment as she frowned when he said the Spanish man’s name.
Edgar could see himself swirling and smelling his way through Europe with this blonde woman. She’d wear a broad-brimmed hat and he’d monitor the tan on her shoulders. But there was something vulgar (ah, Sophie, why’d you act out your life to the end?) about her. For example, the day he cast the Spanish man as her love interest, she tested one of Edgar’s large bills for counterfeit then lifted up the drawer of the cash register to hide it. Did she suddenly think he was some kind of criminal? This was not a cheap American liquor store, darling.
114. INTEREST
Edgar
Felicia never held his bills up to the light or questioned his cheques, until recently. Edgar recalled her confidence in his finances while leaning against the hotel headboard. He could leave his bank book lying around and she would treat it no differently from a misplaced sock. If he had shown it to her, she would not have understood where all his money was. She might have expected more money in his chequing account.
And, bless her little heart, Felicia was so proud to have her first savings and chequing accounts. Solemnly, she told Edgar how the woman in the bank explained to her that one made more interest than the other. She tried to teach him something about money.
115. GREEN
Army
Seriously, Mom, if you don’t drive this car like a winged demon is chasing us, I’m going to take the wheel.
They were off the highway. The light was about to turn green, Army calculated.
Felicia glanced at him. Did you change that undershirt all week?
Army looked down at his chest, exasperated. I guarantee you that whatever you’re worried about right now is wholly unimportant given the fact that Heather’s baby is busting up through her guts. Green.
I don’t see what so hard about putting on a clean undershirt every two days?
It’s green. Focus!
116. RELENTLESS
Felicia
Felicia had not gone a day since meeting him without at least one, and if one then at least a dozen, thoughts of Edgar.
Sometimes the thought was, I have not thought of Edgar today, and that thought would itself count as a thought of him.
117. TULIPS, CERTAINLY
Felicia
She could have been the wife of a good man if it wasn’t for Edgar. And now, Felicia thought, Heather’s chances of a respectable marital bed, high thread counts, floral curtains, floral gardens, were dashed. Or maybe not. She was white.
Felicia signalled her turn into the hospital parking lot.
Wouldn’t it be good to plant a tree, plant flowers on her own soil? The simplicity of wanting to drop a seed, a bulb, a sapling into the ground and wait for it year after year to open its arms up in praise of our Lord. Year after year, to grow taller and outward, but not away. Even Army would leave her at some point, no? The kind of boy he was, he’d leave her at eighteen, go panning for gold dust in a creek.
Army’s eyes were red.
You should have slept while I was driving, she said.
Both of us couldn’t be sleeping.
Felicia steupsed.
Jokes, jokes. I’d never do that to you.
118. LASHES
Felicia
It is one of the arbitrary cruelties of the universe that women never had eyelashes as lovely as little boys.
Little Army was a lamb in church. He would slide close, lift her arm and place it around him. Nobody had to teach him that. He centred himself in her attention so innocently as if he didn’t know who she was and under what circumstances he arrived on God’s green earth.
119. JOYFUL, JOYFUL, WE ADORE THEE
Ex
Such a lovely tone she had, something out of a forest. And that attentive look with the clarinet’s mouthpiece tucked behind her upper teeth and her lips curled—what happened to that Heather?
120. FAIR QUESTION
Felicia
Would Felicia trade Army, return him to as-if-he-never-were, if she could marry Coweyelash from the island and sleep on half of a respectable marital bed? Would she trade Army for other DNA, well behaved, attentive, neat DNA?
121. CORRECT ANSWER
Felicia
No, Felicia could not leave Army floating in space, in the purgatory of not being. He would be conscious out there in the cold, a giant baby among the stars, looking at her on earth and setting his face like Edgar when she was laying down the first condition.
This must be what it meant to have no regrets. Yet she had some. She didn’t regret the child. She regretted the father. Minus the hair.
122. OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA
Felicia
She had to get her hair done.
Colour this time. Felicia liked to lighten the shade—not that she wanted to look white, but she did need to look like she could be Army’s mother.
123. THERE WERE NO SIGNS TO THE DELIVERY ROOM
Army
They won’t be in Emergency, Army.
Of course they will.
Emergency is not for that. We have to go up to maternity.
Walk, walk, walk. He dragged her until she was half running. Her guts are probably everywhere by now.
They found Oliver sitting alone in a waiting room, bouncing his leg. The room was unusually calm and dim for a hospital. Army looked around. He expected fathers biting their nails.
Slow night, Oliver said when he saw them.
Did she have the baby? Army asked.
You’re not in there with her? Felicia asked.
Oliver shook his head.
But she’s in labour? Army checked.
So-so, Oliver said.
Did they say you can’t go in or something?
No, that’s not it.
It was either slap Oliver across the face or bolt.
Army, no— was the last thing he heard but he was through the doors already.
124. MISCARRIAGE
Oliver
He was no obstetrician but he was a father and he suspected that Heather was early because she had tried to abort the baby.
There was no baby behind the doors. Oliver was sure he should feel some larger metaphysical grief, but he felt only personal loss.
If there was to be no baby, only a red pool of floating doll parts, did that mean that Heather would return to school in Leominster after March?
125. RELATIVE
Oliver
The nurse escorted Army outside. She spoke to Felicia as if she were Heather’s mother. Oliver didn’t correct her. Heather was entering active labour, according to the nurse. Dilated five centimetres. Oliver had no reference point, despite having two children.
Army presented himself as the brother but the nurse said that given the patient’s circumstances, the premature baby, the sensitivity of the situation, they would allow only one person into the room—the father of the child if he was available.
Felicia gave Army a look that stopped him. Oliver waited for him to change his story.
An adult, the nurse punctuated.
In Heather’s case, given her age, the mother’s mother would be welcome. The child’s child was in a precarious situation so the doctor wouldn’t want a thoroughfare. The nurse addressed that point to Army. It’s hard to know what the baby’s chances are at the moment.
The nurse handed Felicia a gown and a mask. To Army and Oliver she said, Make yourselves comfortable.
Felicia was swallowed up by the doors and Oliver and Army paced outside and watched TV and awaited her updates.
126. COMPLEXION
Oliver
Although he had a niggling suspicion, he’d wait and see how dark the baby came out before jumping to conclusions.
127. LEAVE IT TO BEAVER
Oliver
And then, depending, he would castrate the boy with a cleaver and feed him his own balls.
128. VIABLE FETUS
Heather
There’s a 50-50 survival rate for fetuses at this point, the Explainer explained to Heather and Felicia. Slightly better than 50 percent. You’re still early in the third trimester. Even if the baby survives delivery, it’s not out of the woods. Birth defects are common. We’re looking at potential heart problems, low blood pressure, anemia, infection. We’ll put it on a respirator. I’m not saying this to scare you, Heather, but I like my patients to know all possible outcomes.
Are those all the outcomes? Felicia asked.
Well, there are others. Cerebral palsy, autoimmune disorders, vision and hearing iss—
What about a normal baby? Heather asked between contractions.
Well, yes, there’s that possibility too.
129. DISINFECTANT
Felicia
Serves him right, Felicia thought when she learned that Heather’s water broke in Oliver’s truck. He’d have to clean it, though she knew he would not clean it properly. He’d need rubber gloves and Dettol and a basin. He owned none of those things.
The story she heard: Oliver pulled over on the shoulder. Did you get all of it?
130. NAME
Heather
What should I name her? Heather had asked Army in their seconds together.
Or him, Army said. Pick a name that could go either way.
I think it’s going to be a her though. Heather couldn’t imagine having a boy inside her.
131. ARMIES
Edgar
I’m a mutt. But mostly German shepherd. The family’s German, Polish. Some of them migrated and married so now we have British and Irish in the family. Cousins. We don’t really speak to each other.
You’re your own world war, Boss.
We get along. We just don’t speak to each other.
Any Jews?
No.
So I guess I’m a mutt too.
More of a mutt than me.
Mutter than you.
132. CRYSTAL
Felicia
Felicia remembered Edgar’s crystal doorknobs. She thought they were a nice touch. When she first moved there, she thought if she should ever own a house of her own, she’d like crystal doorknobs. She thought of sending a package home to the small unrecognized island.
She wanted to take the doorknobs the first time she left.
If Heather’s baby was a healthy girl, Felicia would suggest the name Crystal.
133. CASH OR CHEQUE
Edgar
She used to send cash to her father on the small unrecognized island but Psychoanalyst Edgar thought that she was really sending that money to her dead mother.
He told her that she should send her father a cheque. It was safer. But she said that her father wouldn’t be able to cash a cheque on that small unrecognized island. She mailed him cash in her letters.
Her mother used to send cash in an envelope, Felicia told him.
Her sister said her father didn’t exchange the Canadian currency for unrecognized currency. He liked the look of the Canadian bills. He showed it to the family when they visited as proof that she was doing well.
134. UPDATE
Army
Forty-five minutes later, Felicia emerged with an update: They’d given Heather some injections to help the baby. Steroids. And they put her on antibiotics as a precaution in case she was fighting off an infection.
Tell them to check if the baby’s upside down, Army said. Health class was paying off.
I think we should leave the health advice to the professionals, Oliver said.
You have any money? It felt like millennia since Army had eaten.
135. NAMASTE
Army
Outside the canteen (open, surprisingly), Army said they needed to name the baby if the baby was to have any hope of living. It couldn’t just lie around like no-name brand toilet paper.
136. NO NAME
Felicia
However, Felicia was adamant about not naming the baby. It would be too hard on Heather if she lost Crystal. She shouldn’t look at the baby much, Felicia told Oliver. Life and death were in the hands of God, she said. She was praying for the baby, she said, for God’s will to be done, she said.
She told Oliver all this while selecting refrigerated bagels. Army was going through her purse for change for the vending machine. She limited him to a dollar. He worked her over for $1.50.
137. FEMINISM
Felicia
Felicia didn’t believe in all this women’s rights business, but then again, she didn’t know much about it as a theory.
All she knew was that every time she lifted a bag of soil or a case of printer paper she wondered why should she, a woman, be lifting this while men went around shaking each other’s hands?
138. FEMINISM, IN PRACTICE
Felicia
She found her son a place to live, no? All these years on her own, the Lord prepared a gourd, and made it to come up over them, that it might be a shadow over their heads, to deliver them from their grief, while Army remained innocent of what it was to stand in front of a landlord, listening to him and thinking of the rent this paycheque and car insurance the next one, the phone bill this cheque and the cable bill the next. No, we cannot get Pay-per-view.
139. POVERTY
Felicia
Felicia may not know much about feminism but she knew a thing or two about the unconscious.
The barbershop, the barbecue, the gym, the other rackets she didn’t know about, Army was making sure he would never tumble into what he feared most, what he smelled in her hair—poverty.
140. SO,YOU WERE IN THIS SITUATION BEFORE?
Oliver
Oliver kn
ew he couldn’t ask Felicia about Army’s father unless he wanted to receive her thirty-day notice. Everything he knew, he knew from Heather, who knew from the boy, who knew nothing.
141. ACETABULA ET CALCULI MAGIC TRICK
Oliver
Though, more or less, he already knew the story: Felicia was an unwed teen pregnancy. That happened a lot with her kind. There was a black girl in Heather’s old school, same thing. The girl was fifteen.
Felicia was that girl in Heather’s school. And now Heather was Felicia when she was that black girl.
142. MORE OR LESS
Oliver
Felicia Shaw is a woman of secretarial age with a fifteen-year-old son. She is a woman who is also a black woman. Calculate her age when she got pregnant?
Let x represent Felicia Shaw’s age when she had her son.
x = a - b where a represents Felicia’s current age and b represents Army’s age x = a - 15
143. SOLVE FOR X
Felicia
A few moments after Felicia caught Oliver looking at her, he sidled up next to her with specious casualness as she was reading the expiration date on milk cartons.
If you don’t mind my asking, he asked, how long you been at Brownstone?
Felicia shrugged. He was questioning her job security all of a sudden? He was going to increase the rent back to the original amount?
I mean, did you start right after high school or was there a training course or—
I did a program, yes.
That’s what I thought. He coughed. And you must have stayed home with Army for a couple of years before that.
Until he went to school, yes. She figured out his game. Pathetic.
That’s good. That’s good. One more thing, if you don’t mind my asking.
I’m going back up to Heather, she said and walked away.
144. SUBSTITUTION
Oliver