by Ian Williams
Yeah, back home, the government want all the vagrants to register with their county. They found one of them he did something with something washed up mice on the beach.
Really?
And it took the police dogs months to identify him we were talking about the dog and notify the family.
Terrible. I see them all the time on the grates outside the subway.
Yeah it stopped and there was a whole public outcry.
Hello? Oliver said. He was there dead the whole time, tapping his fork on his plate for the egg course.
Wait, Felicia said. Back to Edgar: It’s utter nonsense though. pea plants Vagrant registration. Mendel right
Hilarious, Edgar said without laughing. Next thing, they’ll charge them for licences.
Oliver got up in a huff to make himself an omelette, though what he really wanted was Felicia’s stuffed French omelette.
Good morning, Oliver, Edgar said.
Oliver tried to glare at Felicia but she would not meet his eyes. Then the three of them busied themselves separately for a few minutes: it’s called hybridization Edgar dominant with his berries, Felicia with slicing sweet peppers, and recessive traits Oliver with his cracked eggs and bruised feelings.
Edgar held a berry out to Oliver to make a point. He squeezed it between his thumb and index finger like he was making a reference to penis size. right right Army says you play music right for money in the subway. True?
And as Oliver was going to blast him, Egger’s face screwed up in a wave of pain and Felicia dropped the knife and fanned him with a pizza flyer.
* * *
+
Heather was right. I used to know mitosis and meiosis The video spread like the back of my hand from Pornhub to XVideos to Xtube and then to XNXX.
There were excited, over-punctuated comments in English, Spanish and Portuguese, all of which Oliver could understand. They were written using the limited vocabulary of porn by men whom Oliver wanted did you now to castrate with scissors.
* * *
+
Edgar examined the object like the back of my hand in his hand. It was about the size of a pack of cigarettes, cool, white on one side, black on the other, and already covered in fingerprints.
It’s my old Galaxy, Army said. He was working his way up to an important conversation with Edgar about the jewellery he found at his house. But that could only happen once he and Edgar were securely attached.
I know what it is, Edgar said. He tapped the screen as he had seen all those kids in skinny jeans do. He wasn’t Amish. He double-tapped it. Or a Luddite. He swiped. Or a caveman. He held it up to his ear. Or a dinosaur. Finally he shook it. He had opposable thumbs.
Boss, you gotta turn it on. Army pinched the phone and it illuminated. The lockscreen had an image of a dandelion mitosis is when against a blue background. no meiosis is when I factory reset it for you.
Army walked him around the phone. Volume rocker here. Headphone jack up top. Front camera. Mic. Speaker grill. Power when the cell splits on the side. Charger port down here. Home screen button. Rear camera. SIM card and battery are inside the case. But you don’t need to open it.
I have something for you, Edgar said.
Later.
Army put the phone back in Edgar’s hands.
He continued, and you have twins Date, time, weather. You can click the mic icon here to Google search. oh it’s coming back to me Apps here. Internet, texts, contacts. This one is how you make a call. Play store, if you want to buy more apps. Email. I’ll set that up for you later. I can synch up your calendar too.
Edgar was already overwhelmed and exhausted. How do you go back with meiosis you get fraternal twins to the dandelion?
I can change that.
You don’t have to.
Army squeezed next to Edgar on the basement couch. Their temples touched. The screen reflected and with mitosis you get identical their faces.
Your first selfie, Army said.
And last, Erger said. (But, in fact, he would take photos of himself daily and scroll through them on the couch.)
As he changed the wallpaper to the selfie (condition Edgar into seeing them together), Army smushed his forehead and how do you get Siamese against Edgar’s ear.
Better, he said. Personalized.
Edgar agreed.
This is all you need to know. that’s mitonaise On. mitochondria Army pushed the side button. I think in German it’s mitonaise You never need to turn it off.
Edgar elbowed Army’s body away from him but Army stayed close. He read about the importance of skin-to-skin contact between parents and babies in Psychology Today.
Army continued, When you want to call me, press the receiver here, then you see my name there. Just press it. That’s all.
And to hang up?
It’ll be a red receiver. But you don’t need to hang up.
* * *
+
Now that Edgar had a phone, Army could go back to being the Godfather, disappearing for days at a time, don’t ask me about my business. No one saw him until Felicia, always a light sleeper, heard the furtive rustling of a nocturnal quadruped do you speak German in Riot’s room late one night. She removed the earbud from her ears and went to investigate.
Army was on his knees, spreche ich Deutsch digging through a storage container of course under his bed.
You are supposed to be taking care of him, Army. Not me, Felicia said in the loud whisper that the household had adopted I went to kindergarten in Germany since Edgar’s arrival. Edgar was sleeping in which Germany Army’s room one floor down.
I am.
Buying him a phone
It’s my old phone.
is not taking care of him. Who’s paying for that plan? You don’t have money to waste.
Isn’t the life more than flesh and the body more than raiment?
Felicia never quite knew how to respond when Army used her own Bible against her. She just wanted him to walk the dog and make sure it had clean water and toss a tennis ball around once in a while.
I understand where you’re coming from, Army said. Believe me, I do.
Don’t give me that, Army. That language.
I take full responsibility. He was on autopilot.
Oncology 9 a.m. write up big on the calendar, Felicia said. We been using the calendar since time immemorial.
Indeed. Indeed, Army said. He was still searching it was more like kinderuniversity through the storage container. But what I regret most, most—and here he looked up with his irresistible self—is that I have breached your trust and I will do everything in my power to, to, you know.
Felicia sat on Riot’s bed an absurd ridiculous preschool where they read us Dostoevsky and began refolding the clothes he was tossing out. Army pulled a second container from under the bed.
The doctor give him a month.
Army stopped. He looked up from his confused self.
One to three months, Felicia confessed.
Army The Double went back to searching I didn’t know it was Dostoevsky at the time as if the extended time frame dismissed all worry.
You hear me?
I heard you.
And?
And, I mean, of course, it’s not the news that anyone wants to hear but, you know, what is man, dust to dust, ashes to ashes, and three months is like eternity if—and who’s to say that he’s not going to defy the odds and be all Lance Armstrong, Tour de France. I used to have a magnifying glass.
Felicia wondered whether her son that’s no reason to cut off your parts them was on drugs. It was not the first time. Occasionally he did seem possessed by a mechanical demon. The matter-of-fact tone, the torrent of words they taught us to talk with our eyes closed in the absence of feeling.
I mean just ’cause someone says you have three months, I mean if I told you that you had three months to live would you believe me? So all I’m saying is you need to stop trying to kill Boss off.
Boy, Felicia couldn’t whisper
anymore. I is the one here while you running to and fro throughout the earth.
I understand where you’re— Army began but just then he found one of the things he was looking for. He stood up with a ring between his fingers and held it to the light.
Where you get that? Felicia asked.
You remember that magnifying glass with the light built in? He tried to slip the ring into his pocket, but Felicia grabbed his wrist and took it from him.
Felicia had recognized the ring. Take it back, she said.
He’s got like a whole drawer of—
Take it back, her mouth said. First thing tomorrow morning. But her body grabbed the ring in a fist and left the room.
* * *
+
Tomorrow morning came.
What’s the matter with you? Army asked Oliver.
Nothing was bothering Oliver. The first thing that was not bothering Oliver was Riot’s continued absence that left him bobbing in a house of sharks. That a kid could cross the border in this day and age and go to one of the most dangerous cities in the world because he was accused of digitally assaulting some elusive snivelling girl never crossed his mind. The second thing that was not bothering him was that everyone on the planet was watching a porn video of a dead animal in a science lab while terrorists were in their own corner of the internet planning to blow themselves up on crowded buses.
The third thing that was not bothering him as he opened a Coke Zero and walked back to the upstairs living room to watch The Price Is Right was the chainsmoker in the garage, scattering butts all over his property who, you want to know how mitosis and meiosis does really work at breakfast, not really no kissed Felicia on the cheek again.
She turned her cheek up for it, Oliver thought. He was right there, scraping some egg from his plate into the garbage and in waltzed Don Juan, sprinkling kisses all over the damn place.
I hear you, Army said. He cupped a hand to his mouth and tested his breath. I feel you. Not to change the subject, but did Mom leave anything for me?
No. you sure He paused only for a second before continuing his rant: I’ve never seen anything like it.
He’s German, Army explained. The boy had an answer for everything lately. Self-righteous I’m good as hell.
Oliver: He might be a Nazi in his heart it might come in handy one day but that doesn’t mean he’s German. If he’s German then I’m Ronaldo.
I thought Ronaldo was Brazilian.
He’s Portuguese. Oliver whacked him.
That’s the Old World in him, Army said.
I’m Old World but I don’t—
Look, I’m not here to debate who’s Older World, Army said. He kisses me sometimes. It’s like being kissed by a muffler.
By a chimney.
But I’m culturally sensitive, you know. I wouldn’t make Holocaust jokes, by the way, Army said.
He hadn’t intended to. Self-righteous as hell, Oliver thought again.
It might do you good to kiss more people, Army said then went searching for Schindler.
Oliver was not bothered by this last matter when in my life would I ever need to know that involving Felicia and Cassanova. He just felt it was very your loss very inappropriate. That’s all.
* * *
+
Army searched Felicia’s room. No ring. No note. He collected his keys and prepared to bounce. Maybe he could have the ring appraised by showing the jeweller a photo.
Edgar was in the garage, smoking among what was left of Oliver’s divorce rubble. He didn’t look like I’m getting tired he had one to three months left.
Edgar nodded at him.
How was the oncologist? Army asked.
Edgar shrugged sleep then and blew out some smoke.
It was too early in the morning you sleep for charm so Army came out with it directly: Boss, what’s your plan?
Edgar smoked for a while, I’m not the one who’s tired a frown passed through his face, sleep then floated no. over the sea. He asked, My exit strategy?
Generally speaking.
I don’t plan to fight, if that’s what you mean. That’s for those, he planted the cigarette in his mouth and drew a ribbon on his chest. Breast-cancer women. He removed the cigarette and gazed out into the suburbs.
My plan is to lie down and let the lawn go to seed.
Army folded his arms what’s the time and faced the same direction as Ergar.
When we moved here, he said, Mr. O had the garage packed full it’s okay of his divorce I’ll read my book pile o’ rubble.
Edgar did I throw my watch in the river said you yourself give it to your mother nothing.
It would have to be the direct route right again: Boss, I’m not a gold-digger, you know me, but what are you going to do with all your stuff?
Edgar shrugged.
You want me to start selling some of the furniture? Army asked. Kijiji? Craigslist? Antiques Roadshow? Some of that stuff she likes to have weight on her is probably worth a lot.
Nothing’s for sale.
Well, you already tell me that what about the jewellery?
You found jewellery?
In one of the upstairs rooms. Live or die, you’re not going to wear that stuff, right?
A long pause I’ve always wanted to throw something in a river before any response.
Army prompted again, Right?
That’s what stones are for Mutter’s jewellery, he said.
Good answer, not the same good answer. He pushed further. How about the rest of your assets?
The rest? her ashes maybe The liquid stuff, you know.
He flicked the remainder of his cigarette bury the woman properly into the grate. Oliver had complained about the butts everywhere and Army’s response was to quote Sir Mix-a-Lot: You other brothers can’t deny that when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung.
Edgar faced Army, she’s your mother looked him in the eye and said, It’s all taken care of.
Bad dog, Army thought. Bad dog. If it was all taken care of before he came on the scene with this outburst of hospitality, nay, love, then throw your own ashes in a river he must have people better suited to caring for him in his dying hour. That secretary, maybe. Would it be rude to ask exactly how much Edgar was worth?
But Army kept his composure. Charity? he asked.
Do you have a favourite one?
Cancer research, Army said. Heart and Stroke Foundation. He meant them both sarcastically but Edgar expressed no umbrage.
I’ll keep that in mind.
Army could have wept. He felt like he was eleven again. How could Edgar pour his wealth in that case down the toilet why wait for ashes of cancer research?
He upped his sarcasm, Make sure you leave me a mixtape.
* * *
+
By that evening, Army had recovered. He found a solution to charity.
He couldn’t find Edgar in the three most common areas: garage, basement couch, or Army’s bedroom. He wasn’t in the bathroom either. Army swung open the door to Felicia’s room and surprised Eegar, surprised himself too.
What’re you doing in here? Army asked. He knew Felicia was secretly reading the Fifty Shades series.
The long pause keep me awake before keep me awake the answer. you does read a lot of books or what He was sitting on a stool in front of Felicia’s vanity. Looking, he said.
He held up the ring. I do
Army chose not to explain. I mean He felt himself I used to becoming gentler. before this job He was interrupting something, I read that book you’re reading some thatch of light Great Expectations in a secret garden.
I was calling you, Army said.
I didn’t know how to answer, the whole thing Edgar said. just English people yammering
You gotta swipe to the green receiver. I can show you. He held out his hand for the phone, but Edgar was not interested.
I was thinking, Army said. Here came his solution: You should set up your own f
oundation. Like Bill and Melinda Gates.
I’m more of a Warren Buffett man myself, Edgar said.
Well, that’s kind of automatic.
I mean, actively. He’s not leaving anything behind the whole book yammering for anybody.
Eleven again, how does it end then eleven again.
It’s his gift, Edgar said.
Yeah, I get that about privilege, Army said. bitterly But if it was me, I’d cut up that pie while I was alive so I could see how—if I remember correctly For example, Faye’s mother is planning to give her and her brother a downpayment on a house when they’re ready.
I wouldn’t put my money in real estate at this point, not up front at least. If you invest the same money—
I know all that, Boss. you could save me the trouble I’m just saying.
I know what you’re saying. take the trouble It’s indelicate.
I don’t mean it to be, what, indelicate, but it’s a reality. I’m taking care of you—
Because? The truth.
Because I want to.
Because you think I’m your fairy godmother. Edgar paused a long time, some parts are slow meaning well it has to piss you off to be art he considered what he said next. When I saw you, I thought my death had come for me.
Damage control mode. is that so Army saw all of his work crumbling. Believe me, I wanted to major in English he began, but you know I know how this might appear. But he couldn’t finish the thought so he started again, Vater wouldn’t let me Believe me, Boss, I know what you might be thinking.
I was thinking, Eeger said. I was thinking it may be time, time for me to go home.
Army was going to say something like, This is your home now, but Edgar held up a finger.
Let’s cut the charade, he said. I’ll be out of your hair by the morning.
* * *
When Felicia went to work the next day, Edgar was standing motionless facing the shower nozzle, Oliver was pointing through the floor and whispering to her about his water bill, Army was sleeping on his back in Riot’s bed, and Riot still was not home.