Sinner Takes All: A Memoir of Love & Porn

by Tera Patrick; Carrie Borzillo

  "OK, you can do the scene," I finally said. "Let's see how it goes and how I feel afterwards."

  "Thank you, baby," Evan said. "You'll see. When I come home from the set, I will still be your loving husband, and nothing will have changed."

  "OK," I said. "But one thing--I don't want to be on set when you do your scenes. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear about it." He promised me he'd do it only for a few years and then get out. Fair enough.

  I trusted him, and off he went to do his first scene without me. It was a normal boy-girl sex scene with Roxy Jezel. And Evan was right. He came home from set that day and nothing had changed. We went to bed that night in each other's arms as if nothing had happened that day and as if nobody else in the world mattered but us.

  I had a few conditions, of course. Absolutely under no circumstances could he do anal with another girl. That was our thing, and I wanted to keep it that way. There was another condition that I had to attach later. Once Evan launched his own pay website Rock starpimp.com in 2008, he started doing scenes with girls every week. I never wanted to get involved with it, but one day I asked him, "So, what do you do with the girls?" He said, "Well, you know, I ask their name. I interview them. I spin them around. And then we have sex."

  "You WHAT?!" I screamed. "You spin them?!"

  Spinning does have another meaning: a spinner in porn is a petite girl a guy spins on his dick. But that's not the spinning we're talking about here. That spinning would be OK. The spinning that I had a temper tantrum over meant that he would take the girl by her hand and twirl her around to get a good look . . . like a dancer does to his partner or a daddy does to his little girl or as Evan did to me on our first date and many dates thereafter. From our very first date, Evan would love to see me get all dressed up for a night out on the town and when I was ready, he'd take me by the hand, spin me around, and give me a kiss. And now he was doing our special thing with these porn chicks?! Oh, no. Not on my watch.

  "That's our cutesy little thing!" I screamed at Evan.

  "Uh . . ." He was speechless.

  I continued my tirade. "You're doing our special thing with those girls?!"

  "I'm sorry. I didn't think--" Evan said.

  "That's right, you didn't think!" I just welled up inside and the floodgates of tears opened up and I cried and cried and cried.

  "I'm sorry. I'll never do that again. I should've known," he said. He felt truly awful. He apologized profusely and did everything to make it up to me. He came home one day soon after that and pulled into the driveway holding two huge bunches of red roses out the window as he drove in. My heart melted. He also got in the habit of buying me expensive gifts or sending me shopping on the days he had scenes to take my mind off what he was doing on set.

  Here is the column I wrote on the topic of couples in the business in my "Teravision" column for Genesis magazine in February 2009:

  So many people ask me about what it is like to be in porn and to be married. I mean is that really that far-fetched? What is it like to work in an office and come home to a spouse that is tired and stressed out and not interested in fucking? So many married people I know are living in complete lies pretending for their partner that they don't want to enjoy sex with other people. Our society is built on this puritanical concept of monogamy when to me, we are all beautiful sexual creatures who were meant to enjoy sex to the fullest. I don't know if this constant test of denial and restraint is what was meant for human beings.

  For a lot of women in the business, I think there is a lot of fear as I had before I met my husband, as to "Who is ever going to love me?" or "Who is not going to judge me?" There is still a stigma attached for a lot of men who are very intimidated by women who are sexually free, sexually open, or especially porn stars. Obviously, for some couples, it is easier if they are both in the business, because there is a level of understanding about what goes on in the industry. Sometimes it works better in certain couples' dynamics when one partner is in the business and the other is a civilian. Very often one partner can become very jealous and this can be extremely problematic. Especially when you think that confidence is probably the single sexiest trait someone can have to me, and jealousy the single biggest turnoff. The adult film business is obviously a breeding ground for unhealthy relationships. I feel very fortunate to have been able to have a healthy marriage within the industry.

  The adult business provides a great boundary and actual safe haven for some couples who want to live out their fantasies. My husband and I both get to have sex with whoever we want on camera, but in our personal lives we are more of a "traditional" couple. For Evan and I, who have really open and honest communication, this really works for us as we both get to have the best of both worlds. I live out all my fantasies and still have the security of having a caring and devoted partner.

  Additionally, to get over that initial fear that your partner will cheat on you, introducing sex with other people can actually be the most freeing thing in the world. The first time your partner has sex with someone else, and comes home to you, you realize that person is with you because it is a conscious decision and a choice rather than something they feel trapped by. If it wasn't so taboo, it would not be a great topic of intriguing discussion. Bottom line is that fucking and sucking feels great and drives that intangible sixth sense of ours, but love makes the world go round!

  Although every couple has their own rules, it is nice to see other couples in the industry who have positive successful relationships. I just adore Gina Lynn and Travis Knight. They are a smoking hot couple who are very much in love, but also both work in the adult industry. I have known them for many years and they, like my husband and I, seem to have a stronger relationship than many civilian couples. Evan Stone and Syren, Jules Jordan and Jenna Haze, Nicole Sheridan and Voodoo, Jessica Drake and Brad Armstrong, the list goes on and on. So bottom line, porn stars need love too and sex is the reason you are reading Genesis. So whenever possible have your cake and eat it too!

  CHAPTER 28

  Mission Accomplished

  Hall of Fame? Really? I don't know how I feel about that," I told Evan when he informed me that I was going to be inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame on January 10, 2009. "Does that make me old?"

  "No, it's an honor, honey," he assured me. "Look at how much you've accomplished. Most girls in the industry last a few years. You've been at the top for ten."

  After I got over the shock that I was a ten-year vet, I realized I do have a lot to be proud of. I've accomplished my goals, learned a lot, and have a lot to show for it. To me, the induction marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life rather than the ending of an old one. And it means I can pick and choose what I work on more selectively.

  I am now able to focus on things I can only do because of my time in front of the camera, such as working on my lingerie line, modeling, hosting parties around the world as an ambassador of all things sexy, and working on my upcoming burlesque show in Las Vegas that I plan to debut later in 2010. My love for the adult industry runs deep. I am grateful to my fans for raising me up on this pedestal, and I hope they will follow me wherever this road takes me.

  Being inducted into the Hall of Fame felt like closure on one part of my porn life. I did what I wanted to do and I accomplished my goals. And it cemented me in the industry forever, for which I will always be proud and grateful. Grateful because if it weren't for porn, I might not have met the man of my dreams and I wouldn't be able to live my life the way I want to now.

  This particular AVN was also extra special not only because it celebrated a decade of my life, but it was also the fifth anniversary of my wedding, which meant even more to me than my work accomplishments. I accomplished a happy life. After seven years (five married) of crazy ups and downs, I had a man who still wanted to marry me over and over again like he promised on our wedding night in 2004. So on our fifth wedding anniversary, the night before my Hall of Fame induction, Evan surprised me again for a fourth time with y
et another renewal of our vows. Yes, Elvis was there once again. Yes, it once again felt like the first time. But what was different this time was that I finally felt true peace. As I walked down that aisle of our hotel suite, which he'd sprinkled with pink rose petals and lined with candles, and I looked up at Evan standing there, everything felt perfectly right with my world . . . except for one thing: my relationship with my mother.

  Having grown close to Evan's family over the years made me think about my own relations. My dad and I were always fine. The thing with Dad is this: He's not malicious. He's not a bad guy. He hasn't done anything horrible. He's just this carefree individual who would come and go a lot. I'd go months without talking to him, but it wasn't because anything bad happened. It's just the way it was. I know he loves me and is proud of me, and that's what matters.

  Now, my mother is another story. I didn't talk to her for seventeen years. She had written me a letter when I was sixteen that I didn't open and read until I sat down to write this book. I was afraid of what the letter would say. It was right around the time I came home from Japan and I knew she disapproved of what my lifestyle was like there: sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll.

  But there was nothing to fear. She wrote, "Dear, Linda, I just want you to know that I really missed you. I missed your beautiful face around me. I still love you a lot no matter what." Once I read that, nothing else mattered. I realized it was time to let go of the past and let my mother back into my life. My sister Debby was trying to get my mother and me back together, but she hadn't been talking to my dad that much, so I told her that I'd call Mom if she'd call Dad. And that's just what we did.

  It's so nice having my mom in my life now. All of the anger and hurt feelings are gone, and we are able to rebuild a healthy mother-daughter relationship. She's even living with me now in my second home in Las Vegas, which we got in 2009 so I'd have a place to stay in town when I host my monthly party at TAO, an Asian nightclub in the Venetian Resort Hotel Casino.

  With my sister Debby

  With my mom at my thirty-second birthday party

  It's weird how we could be apart for most of our lives but still have so much in common. We do weird things the same way, things that no one else does. There will be times where we take the words out of the other's mouth. I wash my feet in the sink like she does. I use a mortar and pestle to crush herbs when I cook on the floor like she does. It's so odd.

  My mom says of me, "I missed her. It feels like just yesterday, like nothing happened. We picked up where we left off, but better. I'm just happy that she is happy and good. And I'm happy we reconnected. I see the American Dream in her."

  Mom and I plan to go to Thailand together soon to connect with our culture and visit our relatives. She says I didn't get my temper from her. I got it from her mother, my grandmother, whom I've never met. We'll see. I never thought I'd get to this place in life: love, success, mental sanity, and family. I feel like I finally have it all.

  You ASKED, I ANSWERED:

  12 BURNING QUESTIONS FROM MY FANS

  1. What was the scariest thing that happened on a shoot?

  --BRIAN, 27, LOS ANGeLeS

  In 2001, I was at a shoot for someone else's movie at Digital Playground at a Muslim's house in Paris, France. I don't remember what the shoot was for, but I was just there to hang out and have Ali take some photos of me. The owner of the house was really happy to have a porn shoot going on right before his eyes. He was really into it. But apparently he didn't tell his wife what he was up to. All of a sudden, the wife storms into the house, screaming at her husband and at all of us in French like a crazy person. She rushed into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and literally chased me out of the house with the knife in her hand. I grabbed the keys to our rented passenger van and bolted for the door as Ali and the others scrambled to collect their equipment. I was so flustered that as soon as I started the van to leave, I crashed it into the wall. Luckily, it was still drivable and we peeled out of there as fast as we could, laughing all the way.

  2. What is the most embarrassing moment of your career?

  --LISA, 24, SAN DIEGO

  When my vagina got molded for a toy called the Tera Patrick Fleshlight, which is a custom mold of my pussy. It's the number-one bestselling male sex toy. I was leaning back, and plaster was over the whole area--from my clit to my asshole--and I totally farted and there was this giant hole in the mold, so I had to do it over again. We couldn't release a toy with a giant fart-bubble in it!

  3. Do you watch your own porn, and is that weird?

  --JAMES, 32, CHICAGO

  No. This may be surprising, but I don't watch my own movies. I don't even have copies of all of my videos. I subscribe to this theory that once I do it, it's over for me. I don't save them. I don't watch them. I lived the fantasy. It was done. And I don't need to see it again. I've never even watched any of my movies. Never.

  4. What's your favorite celebrity encounter?

  --KELLY, 36, FORT LAUDERDALE

  Actually, Kanye West was really nervous when he met me backstage at Fashion Week in L.A. in 2007. He told Evan, "Dude, I have the biggest favor to ask you. I really want to meet Tera, but I'm really shy. I don't know what to say to her." It was really sweet, though. I'm always flattered when other celebrities come up to me to say hi, or even ask for an autograph or to take a photo of me. It's weird to think that Kanye West has seen my pussy, but I can't see his dick. In a way, that's not fair. Ha!

  5. Is it weird to think that people you know and people you meet have seen your porn and masturbate to you?

  --MIKE, 23, VAN NUYS

  Yeah, it's a little weird to know that someone talking to me has seen my innermost parts and I haven't seen theirs. But it's not weird that they masturbate to me. They also masturbate to Cameron Diaz and Carmen Electra and Jessica Alba and the girl at the grocery store. Men are just visual. I'm no different, except they have a little bit more to masturbate to, they see a little bit more of me. It's just humbling.

  6. What advice do you have for new girls getting into the industry?

  --LEISHA, 21, NEWARK

  Make sure you are making the decision with a clear head and that nobody else is influencing you. At the end of the day, you have to live with what you've done and remember that your third-grade teacher may see you one day, your father may see you, any kids you have, your nieces and nephews--everybody. So look your best and know this is out there for everyone to see and you can't take it back. And don't party or get caught up in the party scene. This business attracts the bad boyfriend, the suitcase pimp who comes into the business and latches onto a porn girl or a model. It's hard to find a good guy in this industry. And just know that you really can make a lot of money, so invest it wisely. Don't buy the newest Balenciaga bag. Invest in real estate instead.

  7. What's the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in high school?

  --ROWYAN, 29, IRELAND

  I blossomed early and had 34Cs by the time I was thirteen. So in high school one day when we were changing for swim class, a few of my classmates were teasing me for my big breasts, saying they were like balloons, and they started saying, "Let's lay her down and pop her!" I was very insecure at the time.

  8. Why don't you speak Thai?

  --LISA, 38, VANCOUVER, CANADA

  I get this from my fans a lot. My mom never taught us how to speak her language. My mom, Preeya, explains, "I wanted the best for her. We lived in California for so many years and it was English or Spanish, no Thai. So I never taught her Thai. When I sent her to school, I just wanted her to know English. No one spoke Thai, so we didn't teach our girls that. I didn't think it would be useful. She knew the colors and numbers in Thai, though." I still know those today. But that's all I know. Mom and I are going to go to Thailand sometime soon. Now that I'm older and have reconnected with my mom, I want to embrace my Thai heritage more.

  9. What is the best pickup line anyone has used on you?

  --JESSICA, 24, TOLEDO

  I
love cheesy pickup lines. My favorite line is this: "You know what would look good on you? Me!" I'm easy, haven't you figured it out yet? Besides, do you really need a pickup line to pick up a porn star?

  10. What Teravision movie are you most proud of and why?

  --JENNIFEF, 22, NEW YORK

  I'm truly proud of them all. But one that stands out from a production standpoint is InTERActive, an interactive movie from the point of view of the male user, which we shot in 2006 with Hustler Video. It took the format to a new level by putting a storyline around it and using real cum shots. Evan and I are big fans of sexy storylines, so for this one we hired a Robert De Niro look-alike and I played his lonely, bored housewife having an affair on him. And most movies in this format use fake cum shots, which is a cheat. I'm proud that InTERActive used all real cum shots and they were all by the talented Spyder Jonez. This movie is one of my bestselling DVDs and has the best recurring sales of any of my movies. And it won the Best Interactive DVD Award at the 2008 AVN Awards and set the record as the fastest-selling Hustler release.