by Tess Oliver
I clutched the hippo tighter. It smelled faintly of dust and menthol. The toy had always comforted me when I was sick in bed and Mom had rubbed that greasy stuff on my chest. “I- I don’t think I can help you, Sebastian.” The stillness in the house muffled the sound of my voice. “Warner is a horrible puke of a guy. I don’t want anything to do with him.”
The letter floated to the ground like a leaf from a tree. “I understand. Perhaps it’s better that I don’t know anyhow. What if Emily had truly not loved me anymore? I don’t think I could bear knowing that.”
I sat up but held tightly to the hippo. “She loved you, Sebastian. How could she not? What girl does not dream about having a guy hopelessly in love with her?”
“I was not good enough for her. I didn’t deserve her.”
“Baloney.” Suddenly I was playing psychologist to a ghost. “She didn’t deserve you.”
My mom poked her head in. Sebastian faded out of view. “I thought I heard you talking to someone?”
“I was on the phone to Jenny,” I lied.
She nodded. “I’m glad you two are talking again.” The door closed and Sebastian reappeared in front of it.
“I’m going to find that diary and prove to you she loved you,” I whispered so Mom wouldn’t hear. I don’t know if my sudden resolve was to help Sebastian or to prove to myself that true love really did exist, but I was going to swallow back the puke that kept oozing into my throat and flirt with Hank.
Chapter 12
I chose a low-cut, pink tank top and skinny jeans for my Operation get Emily’s Diary scheme. My mind had played and replayed scenarios the rest of the weekend. I would smile and be nice to Hank, all the while trying not to throw up my breakfast on his shoes. I just needed one invitation to his house. Sebastian had told me about the loose floor board in the closet beneath the stairs where Emily had hidden her diary. Of course if the floor had been removed or replaced then the diary was most likely gone. Sebastian knew that Emily had left town suddenly. Still she may very well have taken it with her. But as least I would have tried and maybe that would be enough to put Sebastian’s soul to rest. Of course this would completely destroy any chance I might ever have had with Seth, but I’d convinced myself that Gina was never going to let him go anyhow. Couldn’t really blame her. I don’t think I’d give up a guy like Seth without putting up a serious fight.
Mom was listening to her political talk radio show in the car while I went over the steps of the plan in my mind. My phone vibrated. “Who would call me so early? I need a new phone, Mom. One without teeth marks. I can’t even text anymore.”
She smiled. “We’ll get a new one with my next check.”
“Hello.”
“Hey Zilly, it’s Dad.”
I glanced at my mom’s profile. “Hi, Dad. What’s up? Did you have a nice visit with Cynthia’s parents?” Mom knew I was watching her. She froze her face into a noncommittal half grin like she had no interest in our conversation, but her head inched a tiny bit closer to me.
“It was very nice.”
That was a terrifically bland answer.
“I was thinking we could go car shopping next weekend. I could pick you up on Saturday. I have no flights , so my calendar is clear.”
“I don’t know, Dad. I’ve got this junior year party to go to Saturday.” I hadn’t planned to go since I barely knew anyone, but I figured it was my best opportunity to make nice-nice with Hank.
“I’ll pick you up Sunday morning then. We can shop around Pelican Bay.”
He must have been feeling extra guilty to give up his Sunday with Cynthia. A car would be great though. “Sounds good, Dad. See you Sunday. Safe landing.” Mom’s eyes hadn’t strayed from the road but her ears were nearly twitching to hear everything.
I snapped the phone shut. “We’re going car shopping this Sunday.”
Mom nodded. “Glad he’s not breaking that promise.”
There was a million ways I could interpret that but I chose not to. I already had a million other thoughts running through my head.
I strutted through the doors to the school. My pink tank top got more attention than I’d expected. But my apelike target was nowhere in sight. Neither was Seth. I hadn’t talked to him since the coffee shop disaster.
It seemed I really did need to start a weirdness rating for my days because this day was going to need it. As I neared my locker, my well-thought out plans were obliterated.
Gina was leaning against the lockers talking with none other than Hank. She kept smiling up at him and pushing her boobs out. He was totally into her. I glanced around but didn’t see Seth. A girl would have to be an idiot to give up someone like Seth for Hank. And to flirt with Seth’s biggest enemy, she was either a major witch or an imbecile. In Gina’s case, I decided it was some of both. Their nearly intertwined legs blocked my locker. I cleared my throat loudly, but they ignored me.
“Excuse me, but I need to get into my locker,” I said.
Hank glanced down at me over his shoulder. “I guess you’ll have to wait then, bitch.”
That was all I needed to hear. My scheme to attract him melted beneath my fury. “Listen, you brainless lump of shit, move, so I can get into my locker.” His face bloated up into a big red balloon. I took a step back and smacked into someone standing behind me. Gina’s eyes widened but it didn’t seem to have anything to do with me being close to having my head ripped off.
“What the hell is going on?” Seth’s voice was low.
I turned and our eyes locked for a minute. Then I remembered I was sandwiched between him and a huge caveman with a red face and balled fists who I had just referred to as a lump of shit. I squeezed out of my spot and stepped back. Seth’s chest heaved up and down as he glared at Gina. She sort of shrank down beneath all her heavy make-up. Seth looked totally pissed, which meant that he was really jealous, which meant that he really liked Gina, which actually made a heavy lump form in my stomach. Perfect.
Seth and Hank were doing that blown-up chest, arms out to the side kind of dance that guys do when they’re waiting for the first fist to fly.
Seth brought his face up to Hank’s. A crowd began to form around us. The only good thing about a crowd was that it was a sure way to alert teachers. Either I didn’t want to see Seth get hurt or I didn’t want to see him fight over Gina. I looked around past the bobbing heads of the spectators. The teachers were apparently still hovering around the microwave in the lounge waiting for their coffees to heat because no adults surfaced.
Gina had this twinkle in her eyes as if she’d plotted all this, and it was turning out just the way she’d wanted. Hank’s massive arm shot out and his fist plowed into Seth’s stomach. Seth stumbled backward into some onlookers. They caught him and propped him back onto his feet. He flew forward and threw his fist into Hank’s smirking face just as the vice principal blew his whistle. “Warner, Dallas, to my office!”
Gina reached for Seth’s arm but he wrenched it away. There was a twinkle of evil under all her makeup. Seth spun around and walked toward me. Roughly, he grabbed hold of my arms and pulled me toward him. His mouth slammed over mine. He kissed me hard then released me.
Confusion must have shown in my face as if WTF had been etched into my forehead. His dark, angry gaze held mine for a minute, then he stalked off toward the vice principal’s office.
Everyone was staring at me, especially Gina. It was not exactly what I had dreamt about when I imagined Seth kissing me. The last thing I wanted was to be used as a stooge to make Gina jealous. Did I just happen to be the closest pair of available lips or had he really wanted to kiss me? The whole thing was a shitty deal, and I wanted no part of the little drama. I turned to leave and my knees wobbled. Stupid fucking kiss.
I didn’t know too many people yet, which was sort of the social life I’d been striving for, but I heard enough from my few acquaintances to know that Seth and Hank were suspended for the rest of the week. Big rumors began about how Seth was so crazy abou
t Gina he’d punched a guy just for looking at her and then turned around and used some girl to make Gina jealous. The story grew closer and closer to a teen movie script with each retell. I was ready to slam my head against the nearest wall when, during Chemistry, Julie whispered to me that she’d heard Seth was ready to kill himself if Gina left him. That’s when I decided Gina must have been circulating her own fictitious version of the story. The way Seth had wrenched his arm from her grasp did not really jive with that desperately in love scenario. Anyone with half a brain could see that Gina was messing with Seth’s head. Why--I couldn’t say but then nothing seemed too secure or logical about Gina.
The kiss was the part of the story that kept replaying in my head, and it came out differently each time. One minute I’d convinced myself I was just a stupid pawn who happened to be standing there at the wrong time. The next minute I’d convince myself that there was more behind the kiss. All I knew for sure was that I’d felt it down to my toes, and my legs felt like rubber for an hour afterward, which would make it extra pathetic if he’d only been using me.
****
The crappy day at school had dampened my spirits enough that I wasn’t even looking forward to the stables anymore. I’d thrown my riding boots into my backpack and put them on in the car as Mom drove me to the stables.
“How was your day?” Mom asked as I tied up the laces.
“Let’s just say it didn’t go quite the way I’d expected it to.” Talk about a major understatement. “I hope my first day of work goes better.”
“It’s been a while since you rode so be careful.”
“With the mood I’m in, it’s the horses that better be careful.” Suddenly a swift canter around an arena sounded like the best therapy in the world.
Moses was at Legend’s stall with the hay wagon. “I’m going to feed right now. You could help and I’ll tell you about some of the animals you’ll be working with.” He glanced around the stable area. “My stable hand quit yesterday so I’m looking for a new one. I could use some help mucking too.”
“No problem,” I said, but I was itching to get in the saddle.
We filled up a wheelbarrow with flakes of hay and started down the row of stalls. “This bay gelding is Cash. His owner leaves brushes and hoof picks in the trunk in front of his stall. Use the round pen. He won’t give you any trouble. Cash is a real sweet horse.”
A paint horse was pawing at the ground waiting anxiously for his hay in the next paddock. “It’s coming you spoiled horse.” Moses leaned over the wheelbarrow and lifted two flakes of alfalfa into the air and tossed them to the ground. The horse trotted to it and lowered its head to graze. “Throw a stud chain on Pipe Dream when you get him out. He thinks he’s part of a circus act.”
I helped throw out the rest of the hay. Moses handed me a mucking fork. “Let’s start over here. If you get three stalls mucked, I’ll show you to the tack room and you can saddle up Dusty.”
I shoveled up a pile and tossed it into a wheelbarrow. “Looking forward to riding him. I have to admit, it’s been almost a year since I’ve ridden.”
“Just like riding a bicycle. You never forget how.”
“Considering I’ve nearly lived in the saddle since I was eight, I’m sure it’ll all come back to me.”
Moses bent over and wheeled the barrow to the next stall. The grimace on his face showed the pain in his hands and knees while he moved it. “Divorce can be hard on everyone.”
“Even horses, I guess.” I smiled realizing how the manual labor of moving horse poop was making me feel better. “My poor horse, Carrington, has a new owner who thinks pulling on the mouth is the best way to control a horse.”
Moses shook his head. “It’s amazing how many people can ride horses and never actually figure the animals out. You can’t be a good rider if you don’t connect with your horse.”
“You and I think a lot alike, Moses.”
“This should work out great then.” He straightened and rubbed his lower back. “Now if I can just find a decent stable hand.”
“Maybe you should put up a flyer at the high school. I’m sure there are a lot of kids who’d like a job.”
Moses nodded. “I think I’ll do that.” He leaned back over his fork. “So what’s it like in that old house? You settling in?”
“Well, it’s not exactly Buckingham Palace, but it’s growing on me.” Slowly I’d begun to realize that even though we were short a major player, I still had Mom and the stink twins, so it was home.
“My wife, Trudy, used to tell me some stories about the boy who drowned out there. The uncle was a wretched man. He swindled half the townsfolk out of their life savings all the while squandering his nephew’s trust fund.”
I stopped mucking. “How does your wife know about the family? It happened so long ago.”
“From what Trudy’s told me, the nephew, the boy who drowned, was desperately in love with her grandmother, Emily.”
The handle slipped out of my hand and smacked the pipe corrals. The horses lifted their heads momentarily to see what the clamor was about then returned to their hay. I retrieved the fork. A billion questions raced through my head, but I knew which one to ask first.
“Did her grandmother love him?”
Moses shrugged. “I suppose. Love and commitment were different back then. She eventually moved to New York to marry someone else. As you said, it was long ago. Not many details remain. There’s always been some question about how the boy died. Trudy had heard that her grandmother was quite distraught when she heard the news about his death.”
This was life in a small town. Everyone was connected in some way or another. Never in a million years did I expect to be having a conversation with Moses about Sebastian. If Emily was distraught then she had to have loved him. I couldn’t wait to talk to Sebastian. Maybe the diary wouldn’t be necessary after all. Considering how the start to my plan went this morning, that was probably a good thing.
Moses wheeled the cart past the stalls. “You ready to ride?”
“Absolutely.”
I was standing in the tack room picking up the saddle and pad Moses had pointed out when small, light footsteps sounded behind me. I turned. Trudy was petite and slightly hunched over. There was a swirl of ginger in the gray hair swept up into a bun on her head. Blue eyes clouded by age smiled out from skin that had been weathered by a lot of time in the sun, no doubt while on the back of a horse. She stuck out a frail hand. “I’m Trudy and I understand you’re Brazil.”
I nodded.
“Well the names are definitely getting more unique these days. Just be thankful you weren’t saddled with a name like Gertrude. Thank goodness for nicknames.” She smiled, and I knew I liked her instantly. “Dusty goes rough on his left lead so don’t let him lean on you. Don’t let him take advantage even once or he’ll keep trying you.”
“Got it. He sure is a cool horse. Did he win a lot of ribbons?”
“We were quite a team out there. Unfortunately my hips have told me to retire. His too, I’m afraid.” Trudy pulled out a small footstool, stepped on it, and plucked a bridle from a hook on the wall. She handed it to me. “Use this bit. It’ll make him pay attention.” She winked. “Now let’s get that lazy guy out to the arena.”
Even old and retired, Dusty was an awesome gelding. I could only imagine what a blast it would have been to ride him over jumps. The first time I pushed him into a canter, I actually laughed out loud. Trudy laughed with me. I’d missed riding but I hadn’t realized how badly till Dusty and I were flying around the arena with the ocean wind cooling my face and the soft thud of horse hooves filling the air. I don’t know why I’d stop riding in the first place. The problems my parents were having seemed to lull me into a state of existence where I had little enthusiasm for anything, even my horse. Man, did I miss Carrington. Losing him was losing another piece of my existence.
Trudy stayed to watch me ride. It had been awhile since Dusty and I had had such a workout so the rid
e didn’t last too long. Trudy opened the arena gate. “You ride beautifully, Brazil. Reminds me of myself up there.”
“Thanks.” We walked to the barn. “Trudy, do you mind if I ask you something about your grandmother?” Curiosity was eating a hole in me.
“Grandma Emmie? Not at all. Although she died when I was quite young, so I don’t remember too much about her.”
“Before she left to New York to be married to the man whom I suppose must be your grandfather was there someone else in her life?” It was a poorly worded and ridiculously leading question, but I couldn’t just shout out did Emily love Sebastian? After all, how was some new teenage kid in town supposed to know about Sebastian. Unless, of course, he was popping in and out of her life as an unsettled ghost. Trudy was easy to talk to but I think if I brought that up, she might think I was nuts. I tied up Dusty and removed the tack.
“Well, she had some friends here in Pelican Bay if that’s what you mean. Her betrothal to Sammuel, my grandfather, was very sudden. Her father whisked her out of town without warning. He was in some kind of dispute with another man in town.” Her eyes widened. “In fact it was the man who owned the house you live in, the Middleton house. I don’t really know any of the details though.” Trudy brushed Dusty’s coat. “How do you know about my grandmother?”
Now I was in trouble. I had to formulate an answer without sounding crazy. Keeping a secret like a ghost hanging around is harder than I thought. “Letters.” It was the first thought that popped into my head. “I found some old letters written by the boy who lived there. They are letters to your grandmother.”
Trudy looked up from her task. “Letters from the Middleton boy? I’ve never heard about them.”
“They were unopened when I found them.” I stared down at my feet to hide the blush I felt in my face. “I suppose I shouldn’t have opened them.”
“Why on earth not? It’s not like the boy is around to care whether you read them or not.”