Heart & Soul

by Sienna Grant

  “It’s okay and don’t worry about Elliott, I’ll be here. If he doesn’t come back, you’ll always have us. Maybe it would be good if he doesn’t come back....”

  Looking up at my Dad, my eyes wide while his hand strokes my head, my disbelief showing on my on my teary face. He looks at Mum with so much contempt, he bends and kisses me telling me I'll be fine then walks from the room without uttering a word to her.

  Running up to my room I fling myself on the bed. Their voices are loud as they argue. My eyes wide as I hear the word abortion. Shocked to the core, no way will I get my baby aborted. She can’t make me.

  The door slams and Dad’s car starts up, the wheels toss up the gravel from the drive as he pulls away. Getting under the covers, I cry again.

  Where is Elliott when I need him…?

  Six Months Later

  Elliott’s not coming back.

  He’s abandoned me.

  I’m all alone.

  I stand in the mirror and look at my growing bump. My baby. A tear slowly makes its way from the corner of my eye down my cheek until it falls from my chin. It’s nothing new, it’s all I do anyway - cry. Or I shout, I’m so angry all the time. I want him to come back and tell me he loves me, that there was a perfectly good explanation why he didn’t return and why I’m doing this all by myself.

  My palms softly rub my bump in small circles. A ragged sigh leaves my lips, a sob following it. Pulling on my t-shirt until it’s sitting comfortably over my bump with a pair of leggings I head downstairs.

  “You’ve been crying again.” She states as a matter of fact.

  “So, what?”

  “It has to stop it’s not good for the baby. I told you months ago he wouldn’t come back but you wouldn’t believe me. I hate to say I told you so.”

  “Mother, shut up. I’ve had enough of hearing you put him down all the time.” Walking from the kitchen, I slip on my trainers and head out the front door and start walking.

  I end up at Carson’s. He takes me into his arms and lets me cry. I heave out all my emotions, sadness, anger and shoulders it, holding me tight telling me everything will be fine. I don’t see how but it soothes me anyway.

  “Carson, you’ll make such a good boyfriend to someone one day.”

  He looks into my eyes, his jaw tensing, his mouth opening and closing as if he wants to say something, but nothing comes out.

  “Yeah... maybe.”

  Leaning forward to kiss his cheek, his head turns, his lips brushing against mine. I spring back away from him with a frown etched to my forehead as he hangs his head.

  “What are you doing, Carson? You’re his best friend.”

  “I can look after you Cass. Please.”

  Shaking my head… “I can’t. I’m sorry. Don’t make things harder for me, please?”

  Moving away from him, I sit on the edge of the chair, my hands fidgeting, “I just need a friend…”

  Standing from the chair I walk towards the door before his voice stops me…

  “I’m sorry. I’ll always be your friend, no matter what. I promise, you can count on me.”

  I turn back, smile and leave.

  I start the lonely walk home, stopping off at the park. Sitting on the empty swing, I watch the small children laugh as they slide down the small slide, my hands once again hugging my bump.

  This baby has me. Who do I have?

  It’s time to start living my life for me, I know though deep down in my heart, I’ll always pine for Elliott chase, no matter what. He’ll always have my heart.

  Chapter Eight

  Elliott

  Ten Years Later…

  Present day.

  Stepping out of my black Audi outside my childhood home seems surreal. I never thought I’d be back here again, well not for a length of time anyway and who knows how long that will even be. There are way too many memories here to count. First kiss, first girlfriend, first fuck. Shit, I had all my firsts here including my first broken heart.

  Looking around me, I see that nothing has changed, it’s still the same small village I couldn’t wait to escape from, with the same nosy neighbours watching everything you do. After being gone for ten years you’d think that something would change but... nope.

  “Elliott Chase, is that you?” I spin around at my name being called by Mrs. Turner. She was our next-door neighbour, looks like she’s still living there.

  “Mrs. Turner, how the devil are you, still the prettiest woman around I see,” I smirk.

  “Elliott, you haven’t changed a bit! Still a charmer.” She answers as she nears me. “I’m sorry about your Mum, dear.” sadness coats her eyes as she looks up at me.

  “Thanks.” I frown. “I should have come back a long time ago.”

  “It wouldn’t have changed the outcome…”

  “I know.”

  “Well, if there’s anything you need, you just let me know. Will you be staying?”

  “For now, yes.”

  “Okay. I better be off.” She waves at me she turns away. She always was one of the good ones, it’s the others that twitch at their curtains waiting for the next bit of gossip - that annoys the shit out of me.

  Opening the boot of my car, I grab my bags and my most prized possession - my guitar and walk up to the house.

  Everything feels so different here now, the spark and the life that I remember has gone, but the furniture is still the same. The three-piece suite in the living room, television in the corner, a footstool sitting against the wall ready for Mum to put her feet upon after a long day. Photos lining the walls and the same flowery wallpaper on the walls that were there when I left, but she’s not here. It’s empty. She’s gone, I can still hardly believe it. My Mum was always there for me, even when she was disappointed in me - she was still my biggest cheerleader. I’m going to miss her so much.

  My bags drop to the floor then I place my guitar on the settee, I only saw her a couple of weeks ago, it all happened so fast. One minute she’s feeling under the weather, the next she’s dying. My hands scrub up and down my face before the emotion breaks through. She asked me to come home, to stay. I said no to her. What a selfish bastard! I refused a dying woman’s wish, but only because I couldn’t handle the ghosts of the past - her, Cassidy Summers. The only woman I’ll ever love.

  “Well, well, well. If the rock star hasn’t returned home.” Turning at the voice and smiling at my younger brother as he walks in the room, he stands next to me and slaps me on the back as I admire the old photos she refused to take down. Our dad hasn’t been around since we were kids, so there’s none of him but still, Mum never remarried.

  There’s one of me and Dale. There’s one of us with Mum. Those all embarrassing school photos. One of the band. She loved all those boys but hated that they took me away from her. We went our separate ways around three years ago, it was for the best. We had our run, we had a couple of hits but that was it, the big time never really came like we were promised anyway but at the time we felt pretty big. My gaze runs along the wall to the very last picture and my heart sinks.

  “The one that got left behind huh?” My head snaps to the side to glare at him. “Truth hurts, yeah?”

  “Thanks, but I don’t need this today, Dale.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s good to see you. Mum, missed you all the time. She asked for you a lot when she was... dying.” He says in a weak voice. I know her death hit him hard too.

  “I’m taking my shit upstairs.”

  I leave him alone, the photos, the memories...I can’t handle it and head up to my old room. I can’t cope with the questions right now, the ‘why didn’t you come back,’ it was too hard - no fuck that, it is what it is. I was a coward, end of.

  “Elliott, it’s not going to change anything by ignoring it,” he shouts to my back as I walk up the stairs, I don’t answer him just carry on up to my room, shut the door and sink onto my bed.

  Stepping into one of yo
ur old drinking haunts is weird. With some people it’s like you never left, with others they criticise you because you left to make something of yourself. Those people I don’t give a shit about, it’s not my problem they’ve stayed in the same place all their lives and done nothing, but I’m not so arrogant to think that everyone has different circumstances, so I wouldn’t hold it against them. So why do it to me? My Mum would kick my arse if she thought I was that much of a bastard!

  “Oh my God. Wonders will never cease! Elliott Chase. How you doing buddy?” Our hands shake and Carson my childhood best friend pulls me into a man hug.

  “I’m good thanks. How are you? Married yet?” I cock an eyebrow.

  “Nah, I’m too much of a dog for marriage. So, are you back for good?”

  “Depends really. I need a job if I’m gonna stay.”

  “Well, if you’re interested we’re after an entertainer.”

  “Is this your place then?”

  “Yep, all mine.” He grins.

  “I’m impressed.” I look around at the familiar settings, “so, when you say entertainer, you really mean a singer?”

  “Yeah. Just Fridays and Sundays mainly and maybe the odd Saturday to fill in if we have a cancellation. We usually do Karaoke and DJ on a Saturday night.” Contemplating his offer, he speaks again, “what d'ya say?”

  “Really, Karaoke? You're not even going to let me settle back in?”

  With a heavy sigh, I look around again, my focus settling on the stage, then back to my friend, “Well I suppose I need some money from somewhere. You’re on. Thanks, mate.”

  “Well, if I can’t give my old buddy a job, then who can. Beer?”

  “Yeah just the one, though.”

  “Come on then it’s still quiet yet, we can sit down, and you can fill me in on what’s been happening.”

  Carson pulls us a beer and tells the busty barmaid that he’s taking a break. She winks, flirting with me as I grab my beer from the bar, grinning and shaking my head, I walk away, nothing changes. We sit at the small table in the corner as I look around me. This place hasn’t changed really. The colour of the walls is lighter, and the tables are all wrought iron, probably to stop the drunkard fuckers from picking them up and throwing them around like in the old days. It’s still the old quarry tiled floor though. That’s what I love about home, home being Devon. It’s old and traditional but too sleepy, which was why I got out in the first place. I just wanted more...

  I realise Carson has been talking and I haven’t heard a bloody word he’s said. I’ve just nodded and grunted, hopefully in the right places. “So, you’ll perform tonight then?”

  “What?” My eyes open wide to the question.

  “I asked if you’d perform tonight. I thought you were listening to me.”

  “But’ I’ve been driving for hours, I’m beat, man.”

  “So, it’s only four now, go home grab a nap and come back. By the time you’re back the cook will be in and you can grab some food here.”

  “I haven’t even unpacked, dude.”

  “Who unpacks? Fuck that. Just get back here for six thirtyish, with your guitar, I assume you still have it.”

  “Me and that guitar haven’t parted ways since I had it at nine-years-old, she's my soulmate - you know that.”

  A strange look passes through his eyes, but it's gone as quick as it appeared. “Exactly what I’m saying. Now drink up.”

  “Fuck, you don’t change, do you?”

  Shaking my head, I pick up my beer anyway, drink the rest and stand from the stool to leave.

  “Talking of which, have you seen anyone since you got back?”

  “I’ve been back all of two hours, so no. Why?”

  “Oh nothing, you know what it’s like around here. People come out of the woodwork to get some gossip.”

  “To be honest with you, I’ve only seen Mrs. Turner from next door and Dale of course.”

  “Oh ok, I was just wondering.”

  Frowning, I give him a chin lift as he pats my back. I get going, saying hello to some old faces on the way out.

  Chapter Nine

  Cassidy

  God, I’m so late for my shift. Turning the steering wheel to pull onto the car park at the side of the pub, I find a space and turn off the engine. Lifting my arm, I see it’s seven thirty. Shit! Running around the side, I hear music playing. Carson must’ve found a gig for tonight, great, that means we’ll probably be busy. I push the door open and start walking through the people lining the bar. It’s starting to fill up already. Seeing Carson behind the bar serving makes me feel guilty even more than I already do.

  “I’m so sorry, Carson. Cameron wouldn’t go to his nan’s. He wanted to stay at home, I mean really, he’s nine! Like I’ll let him.” As I’m rambling away, I realise he hasn’t said anything, he’s usually easy going anyway but tonight he has the look of ‘deer in the headlights.’ I stare back at him. “Carson?”

  “It’s fine, Cass. Just get behind here will you.” He tells me with a slight furrow to his forehead.

  He carries on serving but keeps a close eye on me watching me as I walk through to the other end of the bar. A velvet voice starts singing as I push through the staff door. I know that voice! My heart drops, my body goes rigid and I feel the food I ate earlier churn in my stomach threatening to come back up. No, it can’t be. Can it? I shake my head but as I push through the door his voice comes through the mic again. That voice, I’d know that voice anywhere. It spoke to me and sang to me so many times, it was the same voice that promised me things and also broke those same promises.

  He left me. He left and didn’t even look back, not once. I cried for months after that. There was a time when he said he’d never leave no matter what, but when the chance for his big breakthrough came...he was gone like the wind.

  Now he’s back, it seems. I finally get myself to a place where I’m okay, happy with my life, now what? Why now? Carson runs to the end of the bar and stops dead. My head snaps to his wide-eyed stare. “Cass?”

  “I haven’t looked. I don’t think I can. Just... is it him?” I question abruptly. Carson nods, no more words needed. With a nod, I carry on through the door, drop my jacket and handbag and take a minute to calm myself down. My heart is racing, and my hands are shaky, I have a glass of water thinking it may ease them….it doesn’t.

  “You can do this Cassidy. It’s been ten years, after all - with no contact,” berating myself in the mirror, putting down the glass. Blowing another shaky breath out, I shake my hands out, then drink the rest of my water. My head is high and put on my game face. “Let’s do this.”

  Walking back out into the bar, I see Carson is still serving. There are a few punters lining the outside of the bar but not too many, so I collect the glasses from the tables nearest to it, I don’t go out to the other room at all. Carson or Sam, the other barmaid, they can get them. I round the bar to serve some waiting customers as Sam turns to me. “Have you seen the new singer Cass? He is fucking HOT!”

  “I haven’t, I was late,” I answer disinterested.

  “You need to look, like now!” Sam says in an excited state.

  “I can’t, I was late. I need to work.”

  If I act like I want to know I won’t be able to hide the hurt and sadness I felt all those years ago, that soon turned to anger. I hated him for not coming back to me. I suppose I should have known he’d rock up at some point, I mean... his Mum has just died - well recently, but maybe that was a reason for him not to come back - or that’s what my unreasonable mind thought anyway.

  Sinking back into my mind, I think of the last time I heard from. He kept his promise and wrote to me a few times, I’d take the letter upstairs lie on my bed and read his words as the tears would fall from my eyes. I’d hear his voice as it whispered to me sending me into a downward spiral of depression - I just wanted him near me, with me again. I started to hide the letters in a drawer where my mother couldn�
�t find them, she was always bad mouthing him, saying I was too good for him and he’d find someone else instead. Eventually, though the letters stopped, I hadn’t had a letter in weeks, I’d even wait for the postman just to watch him walk right past my house.

  I wondered all the time how much of a good time he was having when I was stuck here miserable and crying at every single song we shared. Everywhere I went, there was something. A word, a place, a stupid swing on a park - god we spent hours in that park. I was seventeen, in love and thought nothing would ever break us apart, how stupid was I?

  There was only one other love of his life and that was music... I was just never enough to keep him, I came to the conclusion that he didn’t love me like I loved him, and I’d never be able to measure up.

  Bringing myself back to the here and now and forgetting the past, his voice is soft and melodic, as he sings Through the Barricades by Spandau Ballet. Just as it was ten years ago but a little deeper more mature maybe, it travels through me just like it used to all those years ago. His voice is the kind that wraps around you like a comfort blanket lulling you to sleep. Sam clicks her fingers in my face breaking my trance. Walking from around the bar I collect some more glasses, the singing stops, time stops for a moment… my head turns and there he is looking straight back at me. His eyes stare into me, probably shocked that I’m still here in this pokey hole town. All those old feelings come rushing back to the surface, but I hold them back.

  Rushing past him, I barge through the door of the ladies’ room, my hands rest on the sink as my head hangs down I don’t know whether I can do this? The sassy part of me puts me straight, you can do this! After the second pep talk in an hour, the tears prick at my eyes a pain beginning to stab at me. I breathe in deeply and walk back out. With a brave face painted on, I decide I’ll just get on with my job and pretend he’s not here.