Neelie groaned. Her brother had faced so much anguish. How was he able to live with it? And become a preacher, no less?
“I fled and clung to the shame I felt. Because I kept my grief and disgrace locked inside, I couldn’t let myself care for anyone else. I couldn’t allow anyone to come too close.”
She had more in common with her brother than she’d imagined.
Caleb plucked a grass stem from the ground. “When I was in that state of mind and battling my failings and fears, I wanted to run.”
“That’s why you followed me here. You thought I was running?”
“It crossed my mind.” He expelled a sigh as if it carried the weight of the world. “Yes.”
“I’m married, and I have children to look after.”
“Don’t be surprised if that’s not enough.” Her brother wasn’t judging her. He might not know what all had grieved and shamed her, but he was saying he understood.
“I did run. Or tried to.” Neelie folded her arms then unfolded them. “That first Sunday night in camp. Ian saw me leaving and came after me.”
“Is that when you began to care for him?”
Neelie wanted to say she didn’t have feelings for Ian. “Probably. He apologized for misunderstanding and misjudging me when I shot the cougar. We talked some, and he asked me to return to the camp.” She readjusted her position against the tree trunk. “I thought about leaving today, but I couldn’t.”
“Good. We don’t want you to go.” Caleb shook his head. “A part of me always wanted so badly to care for Anna. To let myself feel something for her. But because of my secrets, I kept pushing her away. Then, because I couldn’t be honest with her, she pushed me away.”
“What changed?”
“I did.” Caleb glanced up at the sky. “I had prayed and pleaded with God to forgive me. All the while, I was convinced He wouldn’t pardon me. That He couldn’t.”
“Because what you’d done was too horrific.” It wasn’t a question. Neelie knew the feeling.
“Yes. And I worked hard to try to make up for the hurt I’d caused so many people, including my own family.”
Tears stung Neelie’s eyes. Was that why she’d married Ian? Was she trying to make up for not being able to help Archie? Was she trying to earn God’s forgiveness by taking care of motherless children and their grandmother? Blinking hard against the tears, she watched a prairie dog poke its head up out of a hole, look around, and then descend into the ground again. That was what she’d been doing. Living life afraid of her own shadow.
Not anymore. She was tired of hiding.
Her brother’s eyes held nothing but compassion.
“I’ve been hiding behind secrets, too. Behind these clothes.” She tugged at the oversized trousers she wore.
“You don’t have to hide anymore, Neelie. Everyone has fallen short of God’s righteousness and needs His mercy and grace.”
“For telling a lie. Stealing an apple. Cheating on a school exam. I was married to a man who soured in the war and became a member of an outlaw gang.”
Surprise widened Caleb’s eyes, and he reared his head. “Archibald?”
“Yes. He ended up in a hospital in Santa Fe. I received a telegram saying he needed me to come. I was his wife, so I boarded a stagecoach and went to him.”
“Alone?”
She nodded. “Turns out he’d mouthed off in a saloon and gotten himself beaten pretty badly. When he recovered, he and his cronies taught me how to ride and shoot, then when I would put on a show, and everyone in town was gathered to watch me, Archie and the brothers cleaned out the tills in shops and telegraph offices. Whatever they could get into.”
“I’m so sorry.”
Neelie yanked a handful of grass out by the roots. “I knew it was wrong.” She tossed the grass into the breeze. “I thought he loved me. I trusted him. And by the time I realized I couldn’t trust him, I believed I had no way out of that life.”
“If only I’d known.” A muscle in his tight jaw twitched. That was the big brother she loved—the one who would protect her, if he could. “If you’d known I was alive, I could’ve—”
“Gotten yourself killed, that’s what.” She stood, and he did, too. “Archie was drunk and complaining about his take on a robbery when the leader shot him.”
“How awful. But they let you go?”
“I managed to escape the hideout just before the posse showed up to take them all in.”
“How did the posse find them?”
“I’d had enough. I found a woman at the mercantile who seemed nice enough and slipped her a note for the sheriff. I told him where to find the brothers and Archie. I didn’t know they’d kill him before the sheriff had time to catch them.”
Caleb blew out a long breath. “You did the right thing.”
“Archie’s still dead. And I’m the one who followed him down paths I’m ashamed of.”
Caleb leaned forward and reached for her hand. “I know what it feels like to take paths that bury you in shame.”
They had so much in common. “Anna helped you get back on the right path?”
“Yes. God used Anna, the captain, and a couple of the other trail hands. They reached out to me and helped me see the truth and trust God with my past. They reminded me that I couldn’t earn His forgiveness or make things right by my actions, and that I wasn’t beyond God’s unexplainable grace and mercy.” He looked her in the eye. “You aren’t either, sis.”
Neelie took several breaths, soaking in his words. Tears pooled her eyes, and she let them fall. “Though tossed about?”
“Just as you are.” He pulled her into an embrace, and her tears drenched his shirt.
Angus had seen past her appearance and taken an instant liking to her. Maisie, too. Anna had treated her like a long-lost sister. And Caleb, though surprised at first and maybe even put off by her rough exterior, had provided for her and followed her today because he didn’t want her to leave. Had God been using them to reach out to her?
On the ride back to camp, she’d have a long-overdue conversation with Him. But now she at least knew where to start.
Lord, I need You. Please be the keeper of my heart.
They’d ridden about a mile when the squeaks and groans of a wagon and the hoofbeats of a team lifted Neelie’s gaze to the road up ahead. A covered farm wagon led by four mules was approaching. An older couple sat on the seat swaying with every turn of the wheels.
“Looks like they might have had company at camp while we were gone.” As the mules drew closer, Caleb waved his hat in a greeting.
The wagon rolled to a stop in front of them and a stick-thin man waved a weathered hand. “Hello, folks. Headin’ that way, you’ll come across a camp of wagons. Real welcoming folks. Had some coffee for us.”
“Good afternoon.” Her brother set his hat back on his head. “We’re part of that company, thank you. I’m Caleb Reger. This is my sister, Neelie.”
Neelie gave the couple a polite nod. “Sir. Ma’am.” They had her attention until a high-pitched whinny jerked her gaze to the back of the wagon. “Your horse?”
“A Spanish mustang we found a couple weeks back.”
“Whistle!” Her heart pounding, Neelie practically jumped off the chestnut mare and dashed to the back of the wagon where her mustang bucked the rope, kicking up a cloud of dust. His head nearly pushing her over, she managed to untie the lead. She grabbed a hank of mane at his withers and sprang onto his back. He glided into kicks and spins—part of the countless shows they’d put on. When she finally brought Whistle to a stop, she saw that Caleb and the couple stood at the front of the wagon watching her, their mouths hanging open.
“Ma’am.” The man held his felt hat to his chest. “I’d say that’s your horse. He wasn’t at all keen on letting anyone near him … until you showed up.”
“Yes, sir.” Neelie patted the mustang’s neck. “Whistle and I got separated in a buffalo stampede a few weeks back. I thought I’d never see him again.�
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“When we found him, he had a saddle on him. No rider.”
No mention of saddlebags. Knowing Whistle, he’d probably wasted no time peeling those off against a tree.
The white-haired woman clapped her hands together. “My husband said … well, never mind that. You’re alive. We said many prayers for the poor soul.”
For her. They’d been praying for her? Neelie wiped her eyes and gave Whistle’s ears a good rubbing.
Ian stood at the edge of camp. Again he searched the horizon in the direction he’d seen Neelie ride out more than three hours earlier. She’d asked to use the chestnut mare for a ride. Said she needed some time alone and found it easier to think on the back of a horse.
In the meantime, he’d packed all eight wheels with grease. He’d played a game of checkers with Lyle, Duff, and Angus. He’d watched Blair show Maisie how to start a sampler quilt. He’d visited with a passing couple having coffee with the captain and his wife. He’d filled the water barrel and gathered more wood for their campfire.
While watching the sun’s descent, Ian mulled over the past few weeks. After he’d found Neelie leaving camp that night, he’d believed she wanted a better life than the one she’d been living—alone and afraid of her shadow. He didn’t understand it, but he’d wanted to protect her. To provide that better life for her. It was what he’d tried to do for Rhoda.
When he asked Neelie to marry him, he’d admitted that he needed her. But not like this. Not when he couldn’t be sure she wouldn’t run if given the opportunity.
Rolling his shoulders, Ian glanced up at the clouds, which were tinted in pastels of oranges and pinks. Even if Neelie had stopped to do a little shooting, she should’ve been back. Daylight would soon bow to the deep purple of dusk.
During their horseback ride and target practice, he’d realized he might feel more for Neelie than he’d ever thought possible. If she’d realized how badly he’d wanted to kiss her, she might have been scared off.
“Ian.” Garrett Cowlishaw tugged the brim of his white slouch hat in greeting.
“Captain.”
“Sure shapin’ up to be a pretty sunset, isn’t it?”
Ian nodded, but what he felt had nothing to do with appreciation for colors in the sky.
The captain glanced the same direction Ian had been studying. “Guess Caleb’s not back yet.”
“Back?”
“Yeah. He rode off in that direction awhile back.”
Caleb had gone after his sister. Her own brother didn’t trust her to come back.
“If you have the time,” Garrett said, “I could use your help with a cracked spoke.”
“I’d be happy to.” Waiting around for his wife to return certainly wasn’t doing him any good. “Just give me a minute to let my mother and Blair know where I’ll be.” He returned Garrett’s wave and took quick steps toward his camp.
He’d been foolish to trust Neelie.
He had more than himself and his own heart to think of. Mither and the children were growing more and more attached to Neelie. Even if she did come back with Caleb, he couldn’t live like this, wondering when, not if, she would leave him.
Chapter 12
Neelie watched as Caleb held up his last horseshoe. His first throw had been close enough, hooking the post and dropping just past it.
Davonna had volunteered her and Ian to participate in the Independence Day horseshoe tournament. Caleb and Anna had outscored the captain and his wife, Caroline. According to Boney Hughes, trail hand and unofficial announcer, Anna had leaners on both throws.
Unless Neelie and Ian could get at least one ringer, they’d lose.
Clang.
“It’s a ringer!” Boney held up two fingers.
Waving his derby like a victory flag, Caleb dashed across the makeshift court and pointed at the shoe that encircled the stake. He wore the grin of a Cheshire cat.
“Show him what you’re made of, Neelie.”
The deep burr turned her head. Ian stood behind her, his eyes greener than Tennessee spring grasses. A smile lifted the corner of his mouth. She hadn’t seen him smile since she’d taken the chestnut out for the ride last Sunday. By the time she and Caleb had returned that night with Whistle, Ian was helping the captain repair a wheel. He seemed surprised to see her and hadn’t said much to her since.
“Throw good, Miss Neelie.” Duff waved his coiled rope. The children’s cheers spurred her on.
Boney stood beside the closest stake, holding two horseshoes out to her. As she reached for them, he bent toward her. “If I was a gamblin’ man, I’d place my money on you and Ian, ma’am.”
For the game? Horseshoes wasn’t something southern belles in Nashville or outlaws in the Wild West engaged in, and she doubted Ian had ever thrown horseshoes. But he did have a wheelwright’s arm. She couldn’t help but notice that much when she had braced his arm for the shooting lesson. Just thinking about their time at the embankment warmed her neck and face.
Perhaps a friendly game of horseshoes would ease whatever was troubling him.
Horseshoes in hand, Neelie stepped up to the stake and looked down at the blue skirt Anna had given her. After Sunday’s discussion with Caleb, she’d decided she was done with hiding from her past. She’d donated the oversized trousers and shirt to Caleb.
She grasped a horseshoe in her left hand then used the other one to pull the skirt tight to her side. The first shoe grazed the post but bounced off.
“One point.”
“That’s okay, dear.” Davonna’s voice rose above Boney’s. “You’ll do better on your next throw.” Her mother-in-law’s confidence in her warmed Neelie’s heart.
Neelie held the second horseshoe up like she’d seen Caleb do, then swung and let it go.
Clang. One edge of her horseshoe lay against the stake, like Caleb’s first throw.
“A solid leaner! Two points.” Boney turned her way. “Some mighty fine throwing.”
Ian stepped up beside her. “I was sure you said this was your first time playing the game.”
“It is.” Neelie patted his solid chest. “Now let’s see what you’re made of.”
He looked down at her hand. “I hope it’s enough.”
Neelie swallowed hard and reached for her skirt to step out of his way.
Ian took both horseshoes from Boney. He sighted his target through the first shoe and let it fly. Straight to the stake.
Clang!
“It’s a ringer! And now a two-point game.”
Cheers erupted, including her own. Ian looked back at Neelie and gave her a wink that weakened her knees. He turned back around and got into position with the second horseshoe.
Clang!
“Another ringer!” Boney’s voice rose over the thunderous cheers. “The winners—Ian and Neelie.” He reached out to shake their hands. “Congratulations! Go pick out your pie.”
When they’d stepped away from the horseshoe pit, Neelie looked up at Ian. “You never said you’d played before.”
“You didn’t expect me to give away all my secrets, did you?”
“I suppose not.” She certainly hadn’t revealed all of hers, although she finally wanted to.
“The fellows down at the docks in Saint Charles had picnics and tournaments every summer.”
“Well, it paid off. You gave us the win.”
But she doubted he’d be able to give her what she really wanted. His heart would probably always belong to Rhoda. Neelie let out a long sigh. Wearing a dress and a bonnet instead of a sombrero wasn’t going to change that.
Three hours later, after relay races and a feast fit for the founders of the nation, Neelie went to the wagon to tidy it while Ian, Davonna, and the children helped clean up after the big picnic.
She knelt in front of the small trunk Anna had given her along with some skirts, blouses, shoes, and bonnets that had belonged to her mother. She’d said she couldn’t bear to see them mold in a trunk or be used as rags. Neelie pulled back the corne
r of a shawl and slid an envelope out from beneath it. Things had changed a lot since she’d written the letter to Buckskin Joe. She’d changed.
So had her plans.
After tucking the envelope into her waistband, Neelie climbed out of the wagon and added a buffalo chip to the campfire. A smoky fire seemed the only thing anyone could do to discourage the mosquitoes. She pulled the letter from the envelope. Only twelve days had passed since she’d penned the words. Twelve days that had changed her life forever.
“Neelie.”
She hadn’t heard Ian walk up. He was alone.
“Where are the children? Your mother?” she asked.
“They’re going to stargaze with Caleb and Anna.” Instead of settling on a stool, he stood on the other side of the fire and removed his cap. “I wanted to talk to you.”
Good. He was no longer avoiding her. She had something to say to him, too.
The dried droppings crackled under the heat, and white smoke danced between them.
Ian glanced at the paper she held.
Neelie drew in a deep breath. “It’s a letter I wrote to the owner of the Wild West Show I was headed to.”
“Must admit, I’m curious. What did you tell him?”
“I’ll read it to you.” Breathing a prayer for courage, Neelie unfolded the parchment and read the message she’d written to the man who had promised her a job.
When she finished, Ian reached for the back of his neck and rubbed as if the tension had settled there. “You’ve been delayed. That’s what you told him, not that you’d married?”
“I wrote this letter nearly two weeks ago.”
“I can’t live life not being able to trust you. Thinking that at any moment you could leave and never come back.” The pain in Ian’s eyes seared her heart. That was why he’d been avoiding her since last Sunday.
“You thought I had run and my brother brought me back, like you did?”
“I was only thinking of my family’s needs. I should’ve known it would be too much to ask you to settle down.” Ian slapped the palm of his hand with his cap. “I’ll make sure you have the supplies you need. Go to that job, if that’s what you want.”
The Convenient Bride Collection: 9 Romances Grow from Marriage Partnerships Formed Out of Necessity Page 19