by Aj Estelliam
‘Excuse me? I said I need the toilet!’
He didn’t even so much as register I had spoken that time.
‘I need the toilet! I need the toilet!’ I tried, in a sing-song voice like he had used earlier.
I grunted in frustration and shifted my hips uncomfortably against the camp bed. It looked like this was going to get messy, I thought to myself. I considered the situation for a minute and then came to some sort of acceptance within myself. I may lose some dignity, but then I knew I wasn’t dying here so it would be alright. I would put up with it for now because I knew everything would be alright in the end. It had to be.
After what I thought was probably another hour, I lost control of my bladder. I felt immediate relief and my stomach ache eased but the shame that came over me felt heavy.
I lay on the bed feeling uncomfortable and wondering what my fate was here. I knew already that the man sitting across from me was a very disturbed individual. What I didn’t know was how unpredictable he was. Moments later, a mobile phone began to ring. He looked at it for a long moment before looking back at me. He then picked it up and walked out of the room greeting the caller. When he slammed the door shut behind him, the room was even more silent. I looked around, unsure of where I was and how I was going to escape this awful situation. As I pondered my predicament, I heard a faint voice. It was quiet and only in the recesses of my mind.
I listened carefully and realised I knew who the voice belonged to. I went still and quiet and listened.
‘Alex…’
I could hear her. She sounded worried.
‘Alex?’
‘I’m here,’ I said in my mind. ‘I’m here…’
‘Where are you?’ she asked in her head. It was Jess and she was worried about me. They knew I had been taken and she was going insane with concern for my well-being. Without me, they worried they wouldn’t find me either.
‘Jess,’ I tried, focusing on her name in my head.
Still, all I heard was worry. She couldn’t hear me. I needed to make her hear me.
‘Jess! Jess!’ I called.
There was nothing. I lay there thinking; putting myself in Jess’ position and wondering how I could help her to find me. I began picturing the graveyard as I had seen it when he had carried me into the room. It had been covered in a blanket of snow and amidst the graves, there was one marker which would tell Jess that it was the right place. It was the little, beautiful flowers I focused on. Purple crocuses, rare to be there in the snow. It was a sign that spring was on its way soon, I mused. I thought about the flowers in the snow and pictured them as clearly as I could in my mind. I kept the image there and kept imagining it again and again, hoping that somehow Jess would see the picture. It would help her to find me.
The man walked back in seconds later and slammed the door behind him. He looked at me and then walked over to me. He looked down at me and appeared to be thinking.
‘Why have you taken me like this? I haven’t done anything,’ I told him.
He narrowed his eyes at me. ‘You need to stay in this room.’
‘For how long?’ I asked him.
‘As long as it takes,’ he replied.
I stared at him. I hadn’t met this personality yet. He seemed more stable than the others I had encountered. ‘Why am I here?’
He just frowned at me.
‘Are you going to hurt me?’ I asked.
‘Why would I hurt you?’
‘Well, why would you tie me up in a back room of a church? It just makes no sense. I haven’t done anything!’
‘None of them did anything,’ he told me.
‘Am I one of them? Why aren’t I in a coffin in the ground already?’ I questioned.
He frowned at me in confusion. ‘Shut up. You need to stop talking. Just lie there and wait.’
‘For what?’ I asked.
He turned away, not answering me.
‘Who are you?’ I asked as he sat down at the table once more.
He met my eyes and smiled. ‘I’m your worst nightmare,’ he informed me calmly.
I felt a jolt of panic work its way through my stomach. When he spoke to me like this, I could see the man who could have put the women in the ground. He was menacing and scary. I swallowed hard and looked away from him. Closing my eyes, I fixed the image of the flowers in the snow. I stared at them with my mind, sending a silent message to Jess. Please see it, I pleaded. ‘Jess! Look for the crocuses!’ I called mentally.
Chapter 13
Eventually I must have slept because I woke many hours later and it was dark. A dim light came from the table where he sat using his phone. I moaned softly, feeling discomfort settle over me because of my prone position, tied in place. I shifted a little to stretch my aching muscles but then closed my eyes once more. I may as well sleep if it was night time, I mused. I put the image of the crocuses in my head and focused on it fully until I grew sleepy. I fell asleep thinking of the flowers in the snow and praying that Jess would find me.
When I next woke, the room was light again. Morning, I thought to myself. I looked around the room and saw him sat at his chair. He sat staring at me but when I met his eyes, he turned away.
I wriggled in position and realised I felt cold. Looking down at myself, I saw that a change had occurred during the night. My top had been cut down the centre and spread open. My bra was exposed and my skin felt chilled. Looking further down, I saw that my jeans had been cut too and my knickers were showing too. I frowned to myself, thinking. Yes, it was odd that he clearly wanted to see my underclothes but in many ways, I felt reassured. It was more the actions of a child rather than a man. It reminded me of watching children playing with Barbie and Ken figures and how they often removed the clothes to see what was underneath. He wasn’t interested in assaulting me, I thought. He simply wanted to look out of curiosity.
‘I’m cold,’ I told him frostily.
‘Shut up.’
‘What’s your name?’ I asked him, wondering who this male figure was. It seemed to be that when he was acting ‘sane’ that this was who he was. Maybe this was how he presented himself in public, I thought.
‘None of your business.’
‘I’m Alex,’ I told him. ‘I work with the police as a psychic.’
This captured his attention. He turned to me and stared with interest. ‘You’re a psychic?’
‘Yes.’
‘You know everything that’s going to happen?’ he questioned.
‘No, not everything, no…but I see things and have visions. I can also hear people’s thoughts. It’s very overwhelming sometimes.’
He frowned at me. ‘You think you can hear my thoughts? That’s bullshit.’
‘Try me,’ I challenged. ‘Think of something…test me.’
He considered this for a moment before responding. ‘Okay…which animal…’ he began.
‘Elephant,’ I said, before he had finished speaking.
His eyebrows rose. ‘Which number?’
‘One thousand, four hundred and twenty-one.’
He leant forwards.
I met his eyes. ‘Brian and May.’
‘I didn’t even ask the question.’
‘I know. I heard it before you said it,’ I told him.
He sat back in the chair and folded his arms. ‘Why did you ask me my name then? Seeing as you already should know it?’
‘I only know things if the person is thinking them…’
He stared at me.
‘Jeremy,’ I said slowly.
‘Yes,’ he nodded, frowning.
‘But you were called Jerry as a little boy.’
He glared at me. ‘I wasn’t thinking that!’
‘No, but I know that.’
‘How?’ he asked, looking bewildered.
‘Because he talked to me yesterday.’
‘What? Don’t be ridiculous! I’m an adult now! Jerry is gone.’
I looked at him carefully, wondering whether to push him. Cle
arly, he was deluded and didn’t recognise the shift in him from one personality to another. ‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I was mistaken.’
‘You’re talking crap…I don’t believe in psychics. You’re just trying to get information from me.’
I nodded. ‘Got me,’ I replied. ‘So, how long am I set to stay here?’
‘How am I meant to know?’ he replied angrily.
‘What do you mean? You’re running this show, right?’
‘What show?’
‘This whole-kidnapping women and murdering little boys! You’re doing all of it so surely you know what you plan to do with me.’
He gaped at me, looking stunned. ‘I’m no murderer!’
‘What do you call what happened to that poor little ten-year-old boy then?’ I asked bitterly.
He frowned at with confusion.
I watched him, wrestling with his emotions. Maybe another personality had taken over when he had killed the little boy, I mused. Maybe that was why he didn’t remember his actions. I decided to drop it. Angering him didn’t seem like such a good idea.’
‘Perhaps it wasn’t you,’ I added.
‘No! It wasn’t!’ he said vehemently.
I nodded, leaving it at that. I had seemingly riled him and I didn’t want his angry personalities to be stirred to life. I had seen what they were capable of with Matthew and I didn’t want to suffer a similar fate.
His phone rang again then and he left the room, slamming the door. I used the quiet time to picture the crocuses in the snow and try and pass the message onto Jess. I could hear her concern still and I could hear their efforts too. They were searching hard and hadn’t stopped all night. They were getting closer to, I believed.
He came back in then. He had only been about five minutes. His face when he walked back in was grim.
‘What?’ I asked when he looked at me with confusion.
‘It’s time,’ he said matter-of-factly.
‘Time for what?’ I questioned, feeling alarmed.
‘Time to bury you,’ he said without emotion.
I gaped at him. I hadn’t expected it somehow. I thought my stay with him was going to be in this room.
‘I’ll just go and dig it up and then you can go in there and die,’ he said simply.
‘No! Jeremy! Don’t do this! You can’t do this!’ I told him emotionally, hating the idea of being put in a coffin in the ground. I felt breathless at the thought.
‘I have to. You have to go in there. It’s your time,’ he said.
‘Jerry! Jerry! Where are you?’ I asked, calling for his younger, kinder self.
‘Who are you talking to?’ he frowned, sneering at me.
‘Jerry! Do you want to play?’ I called.
He stared at me for a moment and his face softened.
‘Jerry! Do you like the swings or the slide the best?’ I asked.
‘I…’ he faltered.
I watched as his face softened and he smiled at me.
‘Slide! Big ones!’
‘Do you go on the big one now you’re five? You’re such a big boy, aren’t you?’ I asked with a lilting voice, encouraging his fantasy.
‘I’m a big boy now. Mummy says so! I want to go to the park! Shall we go to the park now?’ he asked.
‘Yes! Can you help me get up?’ I asked him. ‘I got a bit stuck here,’ I told him.
‘Oh yeah!’ he said, looking at my tied hands and walking over to undo them.
‘They’re hard,’ he complained.
‘I know…but you’re such a big boy now I thought you could help me now.’
‘And then we can go to the park?’ he asked.
‘Yes, definitely! We can go on the swings, the slide and the roundabout!’
‘They make me dizzy!’ he laughed.
‘Me too!’ I smiled. ‘And we could play hide and seek too,’ I said, trying to keep him talking.
His hands went still and his whole body stiffened.
‘Jerry?’
‘I don’t like that game,’ he said sullenly.
‘Okay,’ I said, my heart beating fast. ‘Maybe another game then? We could play ‘it!’
He moved back and looked down at me. He was almost pouting. ‘I don’t like it when you find me and scare me,’ he said quietly.
‘Why?’
‘Because you hurt me,’ he said crying now.
‘I did?’
‘Yes. You weren’t meant to find me ‘cos I was hiding so good! I didn’t like it when you hurt me,’ he said, pointing at his genitals and then placing his hand over them, as if to guard them.
‘I’m sorry, Jerry. Did someone hurt you?’
‘Yes, you did! I cried and cried and you still did it! Why did you have to hurt me, Mummy?’
I felt my heart stop for a moment. He was right. How could a mother hurt a child in unspeakable ways like that?
‘Let’s just go and play on the slide…’ I said, but I could feel him slipping away. His face was changing and hardening and I saw Jeremy come back and start, as if surprised.
He snatched his hands away from the binding and looked down at me. ‘Stop fucking talking to me, bitch,’ he ordered.
‘Don’t put me in the ground. Please! I’m cold.’
‘You’re about to get colder,’ he said, with a menacing laugh. ‘You’re going in naked.’
‘No!’ I exclaimed, desperate to avoid it.
‘Yes. It’s time. I told you that.’
‘Who said it’s time?’
‘I did,’ he frowned. ‘I’m in charge here.’
‘Yeah? So, who is calling you?’
‘Shut up, bitch!’ he said, leaning forwards to almost growl at me.
‘Then who is it if it’s not someone else telling you what to do.’
‘It’s work if you must know, you idiot! I’m supposed to be there, aren’t I?’
‘So, what have you told them? That you’re kidnapping and burying a woman instead?’ I questioned.
‘Stupid fuckwit! I told them I’m ill, didn’t I?’
I laughed at him. ‘Good excuse.’
He slapped me around the face then. ‘Shut up! You’re such a fucking annoying bitch. You’re getting injected again…then you can get buried,’ he laughed. ‘Tie them up and put them in the ground,’ he sang happily, ‘tie her up and put her in the ground.’
‘Jeremy, no!’ I called.
It was too late. He went to his table and opened a black bag where he pulled out a vial of liquid. He then loaded it into the syringe and walked back to me. I bucked and flailed as much as possible but it was no good. The drug was injected into my leg before I could do anything about it. I felt my limbs go numb and all sensation leave my body. I felt the wetness as my bladder released. I had been holding if for so long that the drug had stopped my control over the situation.
I rested my head back and felt tears come to my eyes. My fate seemed sealed. He really was going to put me into the ground.
I watched him walk towards me and I felt like everything had become slow motion. I couldn’t move so when he lifted me from the bed, I felt nothing but cold fear.
He walked me out into the snow and I used to last coherent words to speak to him. ‘Please don’t do it…’ I managed, my voice slurring as the effects of the drug set it. He continued to walk though, traipsing across the snow with heavy footprints.
When he reached the grave, he dumped me unceremoniously down on the snow. I could feel the cold, wetness against my skin and yet I was numb to it as well. It was a strange sensation.
‘Tie her up and put her in the ground,’ he sang, laughing at me.
I stared up at him wondering if he knew how risky he was being this very moment. It was daytime and he was doing this to me in full view of watching eyes! I couldn’t believe how brazen he was about it. Did he want to get caught?
I looked over as he lifted the wooden top and opened the coffin door. Sheer panic descended on me and I tried to struggle against my bindings. When tha
t didn’t work, I tried screaming. Nothing worked. I felt utterly helpless and it was an incredibly frustrating moment.
I turned my head as he lifted me and saw the one thing that gave me hope. It was the small, beautiful crocus flower. It lay untouched and unmarred in the snow beside the grave. I stared at it intensely as he moved me into the coffin. I focused all my energy into what it looked like and its magical appearance. As he looked down at me from above, he laughed.
‘Fucking bitch. Night night!’ he said and closed the coffin lid.
Darkness filled every crevice and I closed my eyes tightly. I breathed deep and slow, telling myself to remain calm. I thought of the crocus and only the crocus. It was the only thought I allowed into my brain. All fears and worries were ignored; I simply focused on the crocus.
The small purple flowers stood out to me so vividly. Their appearance seemed so unlikely in the midst of the heavy snow. Standing proud, their bright colour a welcome beacon to onlookers…I smiled at them. Beautiful, I thought to myself.
As I thought, I drifted and my only thoughts were of the small flowers which would save my life. As I focused on the crocuses, I felt the woman I loved getting closer.
Chapter 14
At the first sound of voices nearby, I was shocked into opened my eyes. Reality made my mind sway with shock as I stared up into the darkness. I felt trapped and scared; my coffin was very real and very claustrophobic.
I closed my eyes again and told myself to breathe. As I did, I heard the first voice. It was Captain Withers.
‘Please let me find her. I don’t know if I can handle it if she’s dead,’ he was thinking.
‘I’m right here!’ I screamed with my brain. ‘Look for the crocuses, Captain!’
As he went on, other voices added in to the mix. There were other police officers and their thought processes varied. In the midst of it all was my Jess; and it was her whom I focused on.
‘Look for the crocus, Jess,’ I told her in my head. ‘Crocus, crocus, crocus,’ I repeated.
I waited and waited for what seemed like an age and then suddenly I could hear her above me. She was close; so close. While I lay buried underground, she stood above me.