‘Listen, Amber, sweetheart, you knew what you were getting into when we got together…’
‘Yeah, maybe I did, Ryan. Maybe I did. But I had no idea you were so hell bent on ruining a bloody good career quite so much as you are right now.’
‘Jesus Christ… who’ve you been talking to? Huh? Because someone’s said something…’
‘Max. Max told me. Because he cares about you, you bloody idiot. He doesn’t want to see you make the same mistakes twice, but it seems you’re either too stupid or too bloody arrogant to listen.’
‘I’ll fucking kill him…’
‘Y’know, rather than channelling that anger into attacking someone who gives a damn about you maybe you’d be better off using it to try and keep your head above water, before this amazing life you seem to think you have comes crashing down around you.’
‘What the…? Why did Max talk to you, Amber? Why did he do that?’
‘I’ve told you, Ryan. Because he cares about you. And he said if I cared about you, too, I’d try and help you nip this shit in the bud before it spirals out of control again. And I thought I could do that, y’know? I really thought I cared enough about you to actually help you…’
Ryan stared at her, an overwhelming feeling of guilt flooding through him. ‘Then… then why don’t you, Amber? Why don’t you help me?’
‘Because I’m not even sure you want me to.’
Ryan let go of her arm, taking a step back towards the bedroom. He didn’t know what to think anymore. He’d asked her to move in with him for a reason, and he knew exactly what that reason was so why couldn’t he just come out and say it? Why couldn’t he just admit it to himself? Admit it to her.
‘I want you to help me, Amber.’
She sighed heavily, leaning back against the banister and folding her arms, looking up at the ceiling. ‘I don’t know what to do, Ryan. I don’t know if I can deal with this, if I’m the right person…’
Ryan walked towards her, reaching out to gently touch her cheek, stroking it lightly with his thumb. ‘I want you to help me, Amber. I need you to help me.’
She looked at him, her eyes meeting his. Was he being serious now? Did he really mean anything he said to her? ‘You need me, huh?’
‘More than you know,’ he whispered, his other hand resting on her hip, pulling her closer.
‘I should get out of here. If you knew what…’ She stopped herself from saying anything else because the last thing this relationship needed was another complication. Ryan didn’t need to know about Jim. And that might smack of double standards – she wanted to know all about his past but she had no intention of telling him about hers – but that was just the way it needed to be.
‘If I knew what, Amber?’
She shook her head, looking down at the ground. ‘Nothing. It doesn’t matter.’
He tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at him again. ‘I got scared, Amber. All of this – me falling back into old habits, the gambling, the… the other women…’
Amber felt her stomach sink like a lead weight the second he’d said that, a sick feeling washing over her. Now she’d actually heard him say it himself, she knew it was true. And even though, in her heart of hearts, she’d suspected it, thinking it was going on and knowing that it definitely was were two completely different things. And the truth hurt. Like a hard and unnecessary kick to the head.
‘I got scared, baby,’ Ryan went on, stroking her cheek again, his breath warm on her face. ‘I’ve never felt this way before, about anyone, and I got scared. So I… I thought that if I… if I carried on with my old life, went back to the way it used to be I could push those feelings to the back of my mind and pretend they weren’t happening.’
‘Why did you ask me to move in with you? If that’s the way you felt?’
‘Because I wanted to be with you, Amber. Believe me, because that is the truth. And when you said no, that kind of pushed me even closer to my old life because I thought you didn’t care…’
‘Don’t blame me for this, Ryan.’
‘No. No, baby, I’m not. I’m not blaming you. I just felt… Jesus, I don’t know, rejected, I suppose.’
‘I said yes, didn’t I? Eventually.’
He smiled, running his fingers through her dark red hair. ‘Yeah. You did. And I’m so sorry for being such a prick, for putting you through this. I just couldn’t get my head around the fact that I… that I just wanted to be with one woman, y’know? I couldn’t believe it was me feeling that way. It didn’t feel right. Not at first.’
‘I really should walk away from this, Ryan.’
He shook his head, pulling her closer, his mouth ever-so-gently brushing over hers in the tiniest of kisses, but it was enough to send a beautiful shiver right up Amber’s spine. ‘I’m weak, Amber. I’m weak and I’m stupid and I really don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this without you. Baby, I need you. I need you, so fucking much.’
She felt tears start to prick the back of her eyes, falling slowly down her cheeks as she stared at him, and suddenly all she saw in front of her was a lost young man. Was he really telling her the truth? Was the reason why he’d taken things too far really just a desperate attempt to block out his true feelings? She had to be so careful here, given what had happened in the past. But her heart was fast beginning to rule her head. ‘What are you scared of, Ryan?’
‘I’m scared of falling in love,’ he whispered, trying desperately to stop tears of his own from escaping. ‘But I think it might already have happened.’
Amber shook her head, putting a finger to his lips. ‘No. Don’t say that, okay?’
‘But…’
‘Not yet, Ryan. Please. Everyone’s emotions are all over the place right now and I don’t think either of us is in the right frame of mind to talk about how we really feel. Do you?’
He took her hand, wrapping his fingers around hers, holding onto her tightly. ‘Are you… are you still leaving?’
She looked down at their joined hands, closing her eyes for a second, blinking back more tears. ‘I should…’ She raised her head slightly to look at him, his eyes almost pleading with her. It was something she hadn’t seen in him before, the vulnerable side of Ryan Fisher. Was this who he really was? She had no way of knowing that just yet. But maybe she needed to stick around and find out. Maybe it was time to start trusting people again. She couldn’t spend her whole life being cynical and judgemental. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
She watched him throw his head back and breathe out a huge sigh of relief. Had she done the right thing? Was she taking a huge risk by staying with this man? One chance, she’d said. She would walk away if he hurt her, that’s what she’d told him. Yet, despite that happening, she was about to give him another chance. A chance she could quite easily live to regret, she was all too aware of that.
‘I’ll change, Amber. I promise. Maybe this has been the wake-up call I needed, huh?’
She smiled, looking into those incredible deep-blue eyes again, reaching out to touch his face, running her fingertips over his bearded jaw line. She may still have feelings for Jim, but she could live with the fact that they were probably always going to be there and she was just going to have to deal with them. What mattered now was that she also had feelings for Ryan, feelings that were growing stronger by the day, and she was scared, too. He didn’t have the monopoly on experiencing new feelings. This was more than a touch alien to her, as well as him.
‘Let’s go to bed,’ she whispered, closing her eyes as his mouth lowered down onto hers, kissing her slow and deep, turning her knees to jelly and making her head spin, which she knew was down to him because she hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol all night.
‘I really am so sorry, Amber.’
She put a finger to his lips again. ‘Stop telling me that, Ryan, and start showing me. Okay? Start showing me.’
Chapter Twelve
Ryan stood in the doorway of the en-suite and looked over at Amber as she slept. For
the past few days it had felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and despite all the crazy, stupid decisions he’d made since his arrival back in the North East, at least he’d finally made one that was sensible. A little out-of-character, maybe, for him, but he knew it was the right one. Amber brought some stability into his life, and even though he’d tried to fight it at first, he was slowly learning to accept that this was the better choice for him. Yes, there were times when he itched to get back out there and hit the bars and clubs, times when he would have killed to get back to the casino and have just one more go at finding that winning streak, but so far he’d managed to get through those times because he wasn’t willing to lose Amber. But his days were sometimes lonely when she wasn’t around, and that’s when the urges became strongest – when he had nothing to take his mind off things. Did he feel the need for those other “kicks” he’d revisited over the past few weeks? Hell, yeah! Of course he did! He wasn’t a frigging saint, he was only human. But he loved Amber. He loved her. Had he finally faced up to the fact that he was growing up and that settling down might just be a possibility in his life? Well, he was dealing with it. And that was good enough, for now. Amber was right. It was best to take things slowly, one day at a time. There was no rush.
He walked back over to the bed, leaning over to gently brush her dark red hair from her eyes, kissing her slightly open mouth, and that was enough to let him know that it was time to wake her up now. It was time to give her an early alarm call that she might not be expecting. Or she might. After all, they’d spent the best part of the past few days “getting to know” each other all over again, and he was quite enjoying this brand new start.
Running his hand slowly along the curve of her waist, down over her hip and thigh, snaking round to gently turn her over, he smiled as she smiled, too, keeping her eyes closed.
‘That had better be you, Ryan Fisher.’
‘Who else would it be?’ he asked, leaning over to kiss her neck, sliding his hand round into the small of her back as she arched it, moaning quietly.
‘I know what you footballers are like, remember? And I’ve read the tabloids.’
‘You don’t want to believe everything you read, Ms. Sullivan.’
She opened her eyes, arching an eyebrow. ‘Really?’
‘Really,’ he grinned, sliding his hand between her legs, causing her to groan out loud as she threw her head back and her arms up above her head.
‘Jesus, Ryan, I’m not even awake yet.’
‘Yeah, well, I reckoned you might need a bit of help with that.’
She couldn’t help but laugh as he buried his head between her breasts, making her giggle like some star-struck teenager – a feeling she knew all too well. ‘Ryan! What are you doing up so early anyway? It’s not like you’ve got be anywhere before ten-thirty.’
‘The boss has got us in at nine this morning. He seems to think we all need some extra work before the big derby match on Sunday.’
Even the tiniest of references to Jim Allen was enough to make Amber’s skin prickle, the guilt of a secret she should have told Ryan preying on her mind more than she wanted it to. But what purpose would telling him serve? What if Ryan kicked off and did something stupid? This was his boss they were talking about here, after all. She had no way of knowing how he’d react, and in the long run it altered nothing as far as her relationship with Ryan was concerned. He didn’t need to know.
‘Should you really be wasting your energy doing this, then?’ she smiled, pushing herself up against him as he pushed his way inside her, slowly and carefully, his hands holding tightly onto her hips.
‘He can ban sex the day before matches, babe, but he’s having no say in when else I can be with you.’
She really wanted to stop thinking about Jim, but it was too late. He was in her head now, and it was Ryan who’d put him there. ‘No,’ Amber whispered, reaching up to touch his cheek. ‘That’s purely our business.’ Closing her eyes, she wrapped her legs around him, holding onto him tight as they made love. Jim Allen was her past, even if he had suddenly become an unwelcome part of her present. But she had Ryan now. Her handsome, young footballer. Together they were dealing with their own demons, it was just that Ryan couldn’t help her the way she could help him. Nobody could. She had to be strong enough to deal with it all on her own.
Lying back against the pillows, Amber kept her eyes closed as Ryan pushed harder into her, his mouth kissing her breasts, his fingers stroking her skin and she tried desperately to push more thoughts of Jim to the back of her mind. Tried desperately to recognise that it was Ryan making love to her, not Jim. It was Ryan who was holding her in his arms, it was Ryan who was touching her so intimately, his fingers stroking her, helping her reach that beautiful endgame as they both came to a crashing climax together.
She kept her eyes closed as Ryan withdrew and rolled over onto his back. She wanted a few seconds to let that post-sex shiver run its course, feel it slow down and dissipate before she opened her eyes and let reality back in.
There was no doubt about it, Ryan Fisher made her feel like a kid again. He made her feel young and beautiful and she loved him for that alone. She hadn’t really known how much she’d needed someone like him until he’d unexpectedly walked into her world. And she could have quite easily let what had happened with Jim taint the rest of her life; she could have allowed that experience to prevent her from moving forward, and she’d almost rejected Ryan completely because she’d thought that was the only way to go. The only way to forget. She’d been wrong. What she needed was a life – and Ryan was giving her that. And she was slowly falling for him in a way that both surprised and excited her, although she was still yet to let him know that. And until she was 100% certain of how she was feeling, that was the way it was going to stay.
‘You okay?’ Ryan asked, his breathing slowly returning to normal.
Amber nodded, keeping her eyes closed. ‘Yeah. I’m fine.’ She was better than fine, if truth be told. She was way better than fine.
‘You’ve gone quiet.’
‘I’m good, Ryan. Nothing’s wrong…’ She broke off as she felt something unfamiliar happening – his hand slipping inside hers, pulling her closer. Usually he was up and off the bed within seconds, still reluctant to partake in those post-sex cuddles. But today it appeared he’d changed his mind. And it was an action that almost made Amber want to cry. They might actually be getting somewhere with this relationship after all.
‘Are you going to let me tell you I love you now?’ he asked, stroking her hair as he looked into her eyes. There was something there that he couldn’t quite read, but she was bound to still be wary of him, wasn’t she? But she was still here, still with him. And he meant every word he said now. He needed her, and yes, he loved her.
Amber gently stroked his cheek, smiling as she snuggled against him. ‘I don’t think I have much choice, do you?’
He shook his head, winding his arm around her waist, keeping her close, and liking the way it felt – keeping someone this close just seconds after being inside them. It felt good. Because he was finally with someone he wanted to be close to, for longer than the time it took to score a quick fuck. He felt his heart skip a beat, a feeling so uncharacteristically alien to him that it made him catch his breath. ‘Come and watch me at the training ground, Amber.’
She had the day off, but she hadn’t planned on spending it anywhere near Red Star’s training ground. It was hard enough as it was to avoid Jim Allen at the best of times without deliberately putting herself in a position where he could be unnecessarily close.
‘They don’t allow random visitors to just turn up and watch, Ryan. You know that.’
‘You’re not some random visitor, though, are you, Amber? You’re a friend of the boss’s. And anyway, I heard a rumour your dad’s gonna be there this afternoon.’
That was news to Amber. ‘Is he? He never said anything to me.’
‘Yep,’ Ryan sighed, reluctantly let
ting go of her and hauling himself off the bed. ‘He’s gonna help Colin with some training techniques, apparently. That’s why the boss has got us there for most of the day today.’
‘Yeah, ‘cause you slackarses are usually done by lunchtime, aren’t you? Unlike those of us with real jobs.’
He turned round and threw a cushion at her. She giggled and grabbed it, poking her tongue out at him. He pulled a face, which only set Amber off giggling again. Pulling her knees up to her chest as she watched him walk back into the en-suite, his hard, toned and naked body on show, she didn’t think she’d ever get tired of looking at him. Could she see a future here? It was impossible to tell. All she knew was that she could quite possibly be falling in love for the first time in a long time, with the kind of man she’d vowed she would never go near again.
She could only hope that history didn’t repeat itself.
*
‘Jesus Christ, Amber, you’ve got the day off, woman! What the hell are you doing in here?’ Kevin Russell met her with an incredulous expression as he found her rummaging about in the drawers of her desk. ‘Are you some kind of masochistic work-a-holic? Can you really not just chill out and relax?’
She stood up and looked at her producer, a hand on her hip, her lips slightly pursed. ‘This is a bit of a pot-calling-the-kettle-black situation, don’t you think? I mean, you’re hardly Mr. “kick back and forget about everything” yourself, are you?’
‘Yes, well, I haven’t got myself a younger man to play with, have I?’
Amber couldn’t keep the slight smirk off her face. ‘I’m glad to hear it, Kevin. Otherwise I’m sure Mrs. Russell would have something to say about that.’
‘Yeah, you’re funny. Dating footballers seems to have given you a sense of humour all of a sudden. You should’ve tried it earlier.’
‘I’m not dating footballers, Kevin. I’m dating a footballer. Just the one. And that’s draining enough…’
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