‘I don’t know anymore,’ she whispered, finally voicing a thought that had been going round and round in her head for weeks now. She didn’t know. She didn’t. ‘But, if I’m going to hazard any kind of guess, I’d say it was to forget you. I’m with Ryan because I need to forget you. And I thought that being with him would help me do that.’
‘And, has it?’
She looked down at her fingers as they continued to fiddle with his shirt collar, shaking her head as her eyes met his. ‘What do you think?’
‘Then leave him.’
‘It’s not that simple.’
‘Isn’t it?’
She pulled away, walking over to the bed, turning her back to him. ‘Things are complicated, Jim.’
‘Complicated how, Amber?’
She inhaled deep, knowing she couldn’t tell Jim too much for fear of him taking things out on Ryan by pulling him from the team, exposing his vulnerability; she risked letting the world know Ryan’s problems, when that was the worst thing that could possibly happen. For everyone’s sake.
‘Ryan needs me.’
‘That’s bullshit, Amber. And you know it. Ryan doesn’t need anybody, and we’ve been through this, honey. We’ve been through this, and you know as well as I do that he isn’t going to change overnight. He’s young, he’s one of the most talented, most famous players this game has seen in a long while and he is going to milk that for all it’s worth, believe me. I’ve seen it so many times before.’ He paused for a few seconds as Amber turned around to face him again. ‘I mean, I’ve been there. Haven’t I?’
Amber said nothing. Yeah, he’d been there, and she’d been there with him. And now she was living it all over again with yet another handsome footballer who thought he could do anything with anyone and assume he could get away with it, no matter who got hurt in the process.
‘Leave him, Amber. Walk away. He isn’t going to change.’
‘Because nobody will give him a chance,’ Amber whispered, guilt flooding through her, which was quickly extinguished when those images of him at the bar reappeared once more, practically sealing the deal on what was going to happen in this room very soon.
Jim walked over to her, gently pushing her hair back off her shoulders, stroking her cheek with the palm of his hand as his eyes stared deep into hers. ‘He doesn’t deserve you.’
‘And you do?’ she asked.
He smiled, a smile that still had – and always would have – the ability to turn her world upside down. ‘I love you, Amber.’
She wasn’t sure how much importance she should put on those words anymore, after all, Ryan had told her he loved her, too, yet look at the way he was acting. If he loved her then surely he wouldn’t do the things he did? So why should she believe Jim any more than she did Ryan? She’d been right to avoid any kind of serious relationships over the years. They just complicated matters and intruded on your life in a way Amber didn’t welcome.
‘I’ve always loved you,’ Jim went on, his mouth moving closer to hers.
Amber felt her stomach dip and dive at a ridiculous speed and, despite every better judgement she could possibly have, she closed her eyes and let his lips touch hers, lightly at first before the kiss got harder, deeper, faster, until she had no choice left but to respond. She pressed her body against his, her arms sliding up around his neck, his hands pushing her closer as they rested in the small of her back. This was it. Those floodgates had been opened once more and the torrent was too quick to stem its flow, emotions too deep to ignore. Jim Allen was like some kind of cult she’d been sucked into, she couldn’t escape him. She couldn’t. She was too weak, too linked to him in some inexplicable way that she couldn’t disentangle herself from this web he’d spun round her.
His fingers slowly moved up her back, carefully untying the halter-neck of her dress, standing back slightly as it fell to the floor, leaving her exposed in just her most expensive black and purple underwear. But she didn’t care, she felt good – she felt sexy and turned-on and everything she’d always felt whenever Jim touched her. It was almost as if a kiss from him carried some kind of magic potion that cast its spell over her, turning her from rational to rampant in seconds.
She kicked her dress away, unfastening her bra as she walked round the bed, throwing it aside and turning round to face him, smiling as his eyes automatically lowered to look at her breasts.
Lying down on the bed she stretched out, raising her arms above her head, arching her back, pulling one leg up and letting out a gentle moan that served its purpose. Within seconds he was naked, lying over her, his fingers exploring, causing her body to break out in tiny goose bumps wherever they touched. She didn’t care about the shit going on in her life now. She didn’t care that Ryan was a messed-up soccer star who didn’t know how to control himself; she didn’t care. She didn’t care that her job was on the line, that her once-professional image was in question all because she’d let two men into her life that she should never have gone near. None of it mattered right now. All that mattered was that her childhood fantasy was back where he belonged, loving her the way she’d always dreamed he’d love her, touching her in places that made her crazy, that sent her head and her heart into tailspin.
She moaned quietly as his mouth covered one of her breasts, his tongue flicking, touching, his fingers moving down until they slid underneath the thin material of her panties. He pulled them down slowly, sitting up so he could watch her body finally become naked, and it was all Amber could do not to pull him down and make him take her there and then, so desperate was her need for him. Her breath was so fast, so shallow she thought she might pass out, her whole body aching for him in that all-too-familiar way, an ache that was eased only slightly by his hand sliding between her legs, touching a warm wetness that he’d created. She threw her head back, stretching out even more as his mouth kissed the base of her neck, her fingers clasped together, every confusing emotion clashing against each other inside her head until all she wanted to do was feel him inside her so she could forget them all for a few beautiful minutes. But he was in no hurry, and Amber groaned loudly as he brought her to the brink of what would have been a spectacular climax with his expert fingers, pulling them away before she could enjoy their work. It was like a pain she couldn’t turn off, couldn’t escape from, and she wanted him back there, back to bring her that release she so desperately wanted. So desperately needed.
Opening her legs wider he lay between them, his body resting against hers as his lips brushed over her shoulder, the side of her neck, until his mouth finally met hers in a kiss so beautiful she felt tears well up behind her eyes. This was how she’d always remembered him. This was the way Jim Allen had always lived inside her head, the way he was making love to her now. This was how she’d spent so many days and far too many nights, wanting to be with him all the time but knowing it could never be that way. Could it be that way now? Or was she just confused by all the raw emotion flying around?
All she knew was that, when she finally felt their bodies become one, that wonderful feeling of calm he always seemed to bring her washed over her like a warm, comforting blanket. His hands were on her hips, keeping their bodies connected as they moved together in that perfect rhythm, their mouths touching in a series of quick, frantic kisses in between breaks to breathe. He was pushing hard, taking her over in the most explosive way and there was nothing Amber could do to prevent her feelings for this man invading everything again – her life, her work, her relationships; he was there, constantly, and it didn’t matter whether she wanted him there or not, he was always present. But right now she welcomed it, she needed it; like a drug she’d been denied for so long, but now she could grab that fix.
With one final push it was over, her body filling up with a white-hot pain that only intensified every confused and irrational feeling she’d been experiencing over the last few months. Yet, in a strange way, at the same time it also seemed to make everything that little bit clearer.
Keeping h
er eyes closed as Jim rolled over onto his back, she felt a sense of inevitability hit her. And maybe she’d been fighting it for all these months, ever since Jim had arrived back in the North East, she didn’t know. She just felt that there was no way she could possibly move forward unless she admitted her true feelings. To everybody.
‘Jim…’ she began, turning to face him.
‘Everything okay?’ he asked, taking her hand, his fingers wrapping around hers, holding them tight.
Amber nodded, looking down at their joined hands. ‘This isn’t going to go away, is it?’
He shook his head, kissing her gently. ‘No. It isn’t.’
‘So, what do we do?’
‘You know what I want you to do, Amber. I want you to leave Ryan and I want you to be with me. I want us to forget the past, forget what happened all those years ago because this time things will be so, so different. No hiding, no secrets, no lies…’
‘But there will be lies, won’t there? Because I don’t want anyone – especially not my dad – knowing what went on before. I know I was sixteen when it started, I know we did nothing wrong in reality, but… I just don’t think it’s a good idea to rake it all up, do you?’
He shook his head again. ‘No, honey. I don’t.’
She said nothing for a few seconds, staring at their hands, watching as his thumb stroked her knuckles, listening to his breathing. ‘I don’t know if I can leave him, Jim. I don’t know if I can walk away from him, I really don’t…’
He sat up, looking straight at her and she sat up, too, pulling the sheet up over her nakedness, feeling slightly exposed now. ‘Has he got some kind of hold over you, Amber? Only, the way you talk about him, the fact you’re so reluctant to walk away, it’s all a little weird.’
‘It’s not weird, Jim.’ She got up off the bed, retrieving her clothes and quickly dressing herself. ‘But dumping him, just like that. For his manager? How is that going to look, huh?’
Jim got up, too, not bothering to cover his nakedness, and Amber couldn’t help but stare at him – he might be forty-eight-years-old now but he still had a body that most men half his age would kill for. His playing days were over, but he hadn’t let himself go. Far from it. ‘You want to take things slow?’
‘Jesus,’ Amber sighed, running a hand through her messed-up curls. ‘I don’t know how I want to take things at all. I’m just so confused…’
He pulled her into his arms and she put up no fight, letting him hold her, loving the feel of his body against hers, closing her eyes as his mouth covered hers in another beautiful, slow kiss. ‘However you want to play this, Amber, I won’t push it. I promise. If you want to keep this just between us for the time being then that’s what we’ll do. After all, we’ve got the rest of our lives together now, haven’t we?’
She looked up into his eyes again, every ounce of resolve she might have had left disappearing within seconds. He’d won. The fight was over, she knew that. She had to be with Jim. She had to be. But how she told Ryan that, she had no idea.
*
Ryan needed to find her. The thought that she might have seen him behaving like a complete idiot felt like a thump to the stomach, a sobering-up the like of which he’d never experienced before. Despite the escape from reality he’d enjoyed that afternoon, something was telling him that maybe it was time to slow all that down now, before he burned himself out. Before he lost Amber for good. He’d treat her like crap over the past few months and it made him sick to think of what he’d done behind her back; how he’d thrown her trust back in her face when all she’d wanted to do was help him.
Leaving the party behind he walked through the hotel lobby, bumping into Gary who was making his way back towards the function room, looking like the cat who’d got the proverbial cream.
‘I take it you found Ms. Red-Head, then?’ Ryan asked dryly.
‘Mate, that is one red-hot red-head! And it might be cold outside, but she’s just managed to warm me up like you wouldn’t believe. Man, I am buzzing!’
Ryan just looked at him. ‘Your fiancée is in that room, you do realise that, don’t you?’
Gary shrugged, sticking his hands in his pockets and grinning as the red-head sauntered past, throwing him a smile that screamed a thousand words. ‘What the eye doesn’t see… something you’d know all about, eh, Ryan?’
‘Have you seen Amber?’ he asked, ignoring Gary’s comment.
‘Amber? Hang on, yeah. I did see her a while ago, actually, on me way out to find Karli.’
‘Karli?’ Ryan frowned.
‘Yeah. Ms. Red-Head.’
‘Okay. So, you saw Amber. Where was she going? Did you see?’
‘She was going upstairs.’
‘Upstairs?’ Ryan asked, frowning again. ‘Why?’
‘How should I know, mate. I didn’t speak to her, I just saw her get into the lift. Maybe she was going to your room or something.’
‘Oh, yeah,’ Ryan said, breathing a sigh of relief. ‘Of course. Right, okay. I’ll go see if I can find her, then.’
‘You do that. I suppose I’d better get back in there and see how much the missus hasn’t missed me. Catch you later, mate.’
But Ryan had already gone. The sooner he found Amber the better, and got this night back on track.
*
‘I made Ryan so many promises,’ Amber whispered, leaning back against the wall opposite the lift, pulling Jim closer by his jacket collar, but only because the corridor was quiet. She was ready to push him away should anyone else appear. But the noise still drifting up from the party downstairs told them nobody seemed in any hurry to turn in for the night just yet. ‘And knowing I’m going to have to break those promises…’ She looked at him. ‘I know exactly how he’s going to feel, because I’ve been there.’
Jim looked away briefly before turning back to face her, placing his hand palm-down on the wall beside her head, leaning in to kiss her slightly open mouth. ‘He’ll get over it, Amber. Kids like Ryan, they always do.’
‘Are you speaking from experience there, huh? Did you get over me that quickly, then?’
‘Amber, honey, come on…’
She smiled, stroking his face with her fingertips, kissing him ever-so-lightly. ‘Alright, I’m sorry, but… you’re just gonna have to give me some time, Jim. Okay? You hurt me. You made it difficult for me to ever trust anyone again so you have to realise that I can’t just push what happened under the carpet as though it never happened at all. Even if that’s how we’re gonna have to act when we eventually go public. For now, though, it’s just you and me.’ She kissed him again, a little longer, a littler harder. ‘Until I work out what I’m going to say to Ryan, nobody else can know anything.’
But neither of them had heard the lift doors open or seen the figure step out. Neither of them had heard a thing.
‘I’d say it’s a little late for that, wouldn’t you?’
Chapter Seventeen
‘Does someone want to tell me what the fuck is going on?’ Ryan asked, not quite believing what he was seeing in front of him – Amber, and Jim Allen? He knew they were friends, but, this? ‘Have you two…? Have you been…?’ He shook his head. ‘No, this isn’t right. I can see it on your face, Amber. You’ve slept with him. Just now. I can tell. You’ve just fucked him…’
‘Jesus, Ryan, please,’ Amber said, pushing Jim away and running over to him, trying to take his hand but he pulled it back. She stared at him. ‘Hang on a minute. Are you honestly gonna stand there and lecture me on cheating when you have been shagging Christ knows what behind my back because, whatever you’ve told me, I know it’s still going on. I know…’
‘He’s my manager, Amber. He’s my fucking boss!’
‘Okay… okay, please, keep your voice down…’
‘You might want to listen to her, Ryan,’ Jim said, folding his arms as he looked at his star striker. ‘She’s giving you good advice.’
‘What the fuck…?’ Ryan made to go for Jim, but Jim stood hi
s ground as Amber threw an arm between them, grabbing Ryan by the waist to pull him back.
‘That’s not a good idea, Ryan. Come on. Come on, we’ll go somewhere quiet. We’ll talk about this.’
He looked at her, still not able to take it all in. How long had this been going on? All the time he and Amber had been together? Or was it just some stupid, drunken mistake? The kind of thing that happened at Christmas parties. He’d like to believe the latter, but he knew how close Jim was to Amber – he’d just thought it was friendship, that was all. How wrong could he be?
‘I can’t do this,’ Ryan said, shaking his head again, waves of confusion mixed with anger washing over him. ‘I can’t fucking do this. I’ve got to get out of here…’
‘No, Ryan! Ryan, please…’
‘Leave him, Amber.’
‘No, I won’t leave him, Jim. What if he says something? What if this all comes out now?’ She knew that was a really selfish way of looking at things, but she couldn’t help panicking. This was all so complicated, so hard to explain.
‘Then we deal with it.’
‘Jesus, I love the way you can be so calm about everything. You make it sound so bloody easy. Have you got any idea how he’s feeling right now? Huh? How much this could hurt him?’
‘It’s you and me now, Amber.’ Jim walked over to her, tilting up her chin so her eyes met his. ‘It’s you and me now.’
She shook her head, pulling away from him. ‘Not yet, Jim. Not until I’m sure he’s alright.’
And before Jim could stop her she was running downstairs, hoping she could catch Ryan before he did anything stupid. Because only she knew what he was capable of right now, and that thought alone made her nervous.
Out of breath and with her heart feeling as though it was beating out of her chest Amber finally made it down to the hotel lobby in time to see Ryan walking back into the party. She practically ran to catch up with him, finding him at the bar downing a large whisky.
Striker (Book 1 in the 'Striker' Trilogy) Page 31