‘Shit, Amber, you’ve got to get over here quick because I haven’t got a clue…’
‘What’s happened, Gary? What’s going on?’
‘It’s Ryan. And I really think you need to get over here fast because me and Debbie, we’re out of our depth, Amber. We’re out of our fucking depth.’
Chapter Nineteen
Amber raced up the drive of the house she’d only just moved out of, her heart beating out of her chest as the front door swung open and Debbie stood there, arms folded, her face pale and tired, despite the fake tan and the make-up.
‘What’s happened?’ Amber asked, slamming the door shut behind her, her head spinning with feelings she couldn’t even begin to describe. She’d hung up from Gary, told Jim nothing other than there was something she needed to do, and left his place without a word of explanation. What could she have said? When she had no idea what was going on herself? But she’d spent most of the twenty-five minute drive to Ryan’s thinking so many things and hoping none of them were true.
‘He’s through there,’ Debbie said, indicating the living room door with her head.
Amber said nothing, just pushed past Debbie into the living room, a hand flying straight to her mouth the second she saw him lying there. ‘Jesus Christ, Ryan…’
‘He’s okay,’ Gary sighed, leaning back against the wall, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘He’s alright. Now.’
Amber looked at him. ‘What do you mean, he’s alright now? What the hell is going on here?’
‘We were out, at some bar in town, and he was… he was knocking them back like they were tap water…’
‘And you didn’t think to stop him?’
‘I fucking tried, alright? But he was having none of it, he was on a mission. He’d pressed that self-destruct button and nobody was gonna get in his way. Believe me.’
She turned back to Ryan, her heart breaking as she looked at him. He was a mess. His dark hair was all dishevelled, but this time not in a good way, and those beautiful eyes of his looked tired, dead almost, as he stared into space. Did he even know she was there? ‘What happened?’ Amber asked, crouching down beside the sofa Ryan was lying on.
‘He was past drunk,’ Gary went on. ‘I mean, he was fucking legless, I’ve never seen anyone in the kind of state he was in, so… so me and a couple of the lads, we took him outside, tried to get him to sober up a bit but it wasn’t happening. He threw up a couple of times, but he just kept saying he wanted to jack it all in, he wanted to drink ‘til it all went away. I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. He was just rambling on and on like this and…’
‘Gary called me at home, asked me to come and get them,’ Debbie took over, sitting down on the arm of a nearby chair. ‘I don’t think any taxi driver would’ve taken Ryan anyway, not in that state.’
‘Is this just drink?’ Amber asked, not taking her eyes off Ryan. ‘Has he taken anything else?’
‘I think he might have done a line or two of coke in the toilets,’ Gary said, sliding down the wall until he was sitting on the floor.
‘Oh, Jesus,’ Amber sighed, throwing her head back. ‘I could fucking kill you, Ryan Fisher… What?’ She hadn’t missed the look that had just passed between Gary and Debbie. ‘Is there something you’re not telling me?’
‘When we… when we got him back home, we…’ Gary looked over at Debbie, who gave him the nod to continue, ‘… we left him – for five minutes, that’s all, I swear – we left him in the bedroom while we went to stick the kettle on and… and when we came back he… he was…’
‘He was, what?’ Amber’s voice was quiet and calm, even though she had a feeling she already knew what they were going to tell her. She just didn’t want to believe it.
‘He was holding this bottle… I mean, he was sitting up, cool as anything, y’know? Despite being as wasted as he was. But he had this in his hand…’
‘Was it empty?’ Amber asked, her hand absentmindedly slipping into Ryan’s. She hadn’t even been aware she was doing it.
Gary shook his head. ‘He was going on about having nothing left, he was finished. He just kept saying that, and he was turning this bottle over and over in his hand so I asked him what he’d done and all he kept saying was it was over. It was over. That’s when I rang you. We didn’t know what the fuck to do; he was frigging scaring the shit out of me. I’ve never seen anyone in that state before, and I’ve been on some hellish benders in my time, believe me,’
‘We made him sick,’ Debbie said, her voice almost impassive. ‘We had to. We didn’t know if he’d taken anything or not, he wasn’t in any fit state to tell us, so… so it was the only thing we could do…’
‘Did no-one think to call a bloody doctor?’ Amber exclaimed. ‘Get him to the hospital?’
‘What? And have it all over the frigging news by the morning? That’d go down well.’
‘Would you rather he’d fucking died?’
‘I didn’t take anything,’ Ryan groaned, pulling himself up into a sitting position, putting his head in his hands. ‘Okay? So stop bitching. I didn’t take any of the frigging tablets.’
‘You stupid, fucking idiot!’ Amber shouted, standing up and pacing the floor. ‘You stupid, selfish, idiot!’
‘Oh, that’s rich, coming from you,’ Ryan retaliated, looking up at Amber, suddenly sobering up. Sort of. Enough to know what was going on, anyway. Although his head was thumping, like someone was banging three sets of drums inside it. ‘Calling me selfish after what you’ve done.’
Amber threw him a warning look, willing him not to say anything else. He got the message. Despite the state he was in.
‘Shit!’ he sighed, throwing himself back against the sofa cushions. ‘What a fucking night!’
‘You’re telling me,’ Gary said, pulling himself up from the floor. ‘You were off on one, mate. Like you wouldn’t fucking believe…’
Debbie looked at Amber, mouthing ‘Are you alright?’ at her. Amber nodded, smiling her thanks at a new friend she was so glad to have. Without her and Gary God knows what would have happened to Ryan.
‘What the hell was it all about, mate?’ Gary asked, throwing himself down in the chair Debbie was perched on the arm of. ‘I mean, something must’ve…’
Debbie threw him a look, indicating Amber and Ryan. ‘What do you think it was all about, Gary?’ she hissed. ‘Jesus, do you really not think before opening that mouth of yours?’
Gary looked at his fiancée with a genuinely confused expression on his face. ‘What? Oh, come on. Ryan Fisher getting fucking suicidal over a woman? No…’
Debbie threw him another look, shaking her head and mouthing Sorry at Amber. Amber just gave her a weak smile back. She was suddenly so tired she couldn’t muster anything more.
‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ Gary went on. ‘He got himself in this state because him and Amber…?’
Debbie stood up, pulling Gary up with her. ‘Come on. Before you say something you might regret.’ She looked at Amber. ‘Are you gonna be alright, chick? I’ll just take this one home then come back and baby-sit Ryan, let you get off. But if you don’t want to stay I can always stick Gary in a taxi…’
Amber looked at Ryan, his eyes locking with hers. Decision made. ‘It’s okay. I’ll stay with him. You two get off home, and… thank you. Both of you. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t been around.’
Debbie came over to her, hugging her tight. ‘It’s what friends are for, chick. And anyway, this stupid bastard of mine should have been keeping an eye on him. They’re nothing but big kids, the lot of them.’
‘I’m not his frigging bodyguard, Debs.’
Debbie gave Amber one last hug, kissed her on the cheek and proceeded to drag Gary out of the room and out of the house.
Ryan waited until the front door had slammed shut before speaking. ‘I bet you never thought you’d see this place again so soon.’
‘Don’t make fucking jokes out of this, Ryan. Because the
last thing this is is funny.’
He sat forward again, clasping his hands together, his eyes looking up at her. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Why did you do it?’
‘I didn’t do it, though. Did I?’
‘You threatened it. And… and you’ve been on some kind of bender tonight, to get yourself in the state you’re in now. Coke, Ryan… Jesus Christ, you do know they send people to clubs to do random on-the-spot drugs tests, don’t you? You do know that could happen at any time and you do know what it could do to your career if you’re found with anything suspicious in your system? You are intelligent enough to work that out, aren’t you?’
‘You left me, for Jim Allen, Amber. You left me for my boss.’
‘And you need to grow up and get over it, Ryan. Because I can’t be here to hold your hand anymore.’
His eyes locked onto hers again, staring right at her. ‘That’s the thing, though, Amber. I fucking need you to be.’
She looked back at him, not breaking the stare, and when she saw the tears streaming down his face she couldn’t help but feel tears of her own start to fall down her cheeks, that tiredness she’d felt creeping in a few minutes ago now sweeping over her in an unexpected rush of emotion.
‘I need you, Amber. I need you like you wouldn’t fucking believe and it hurts every fucking day to wake up and know that I pushed you away, that I made you leave…’
‘You didn’t make me leave, Ryan. I’ve told you that.’
‘I can’t do this alone, Amber. I’m not strong enough, I’m weak. I’m weak, babe. I’m so fucking weak…’
He bowed his head as his body started wracking with loud, uncontrollable sobs and Amber felt her heart break all over again. She’d never seen anyone so broken, so defeated, and this was messing with her head, big time.
Sitting down next to him she reached out to take his hand, squeezing it tight as he cried, pulling him against her, holding him close. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t leave him in this state, and she didn’t want to. She didn’t want him to go any further down that road he’d already travelled too far along, so she had no choice. Not really. He needed her. Jim was wrong. Ryan needed her.
‘You stupid, stupid idiot,’ she whispered as he lifted his head up and looked at her, his eyes red with tiredness and tears. He looked like the young man he was, and not the big lad he professed to be. ‘You bloody, stupid idiot.’
‘I can’t do it without you, Amber. I thought I could, y’know? But I… sometimes I felt like Max had just set you up as this babysitter, someone to keep an eye on me and at times I resented that, even though I loved you. It all just did my head in, so bad. I mean, I’d managed alright all those years on my own in London…’
‘You didn’t, though, did you?’ Amber said, gently stroking the tears from his tired face.
He shook his head. ‘No. I don’t suppose I did. I messed up then, and I’ve messed up now.’
‘No, baby, you didn’t mess up then – but you almost did. And if you don’t stop what you’re doing it’s going to happen all over again, which is why you have to stop resenting Max, because you have no idea how much he cares about you. Yes, I know he’s your agent and a lot of them don’t always have the best reputation, but he cares about you. And so do I.’
‘You do?’ His eyes widened, a hopeful look taking over from the tiredness.
‘Jesus, Ryan, of course I do.’ She ran her fingers gently over his bearded chin, her eyes following their every move. ‘I didn’t know what to think when Gary called me. A hundred and one things were going round in my head and every single one of them scared me, but…’ She looked away for a second, her head spinning with the turmoil of emotions going on inside her.
‘Amber…’
She looked at him, her heart breaking into a million pieces as his fingers wrapped tightly around hers, every fibre of her being telling her to think hard about what she was going to do next. But her mind was already made up. ‘You ever scare the hell out of me like that again, Ryan Fisher…’
‘Stay with me tonight, Amber. Please.’
She smiled, running her thumb lightly over his mouth. ‘I’m going to have to now, aren’t I? You’re not safe to be left on your own.’
He smiled, too, and despite the state he was in, it lit up his handsome face, giving Amber so many reasons to never leave his side again. Even though there were just as many telling her not to go back. And she didn’t really know what she was going to do, past whatever happened here tonight. ‘I love you, Amber Sullivan.’
She shook her head, stroking his dark hair. ‘You need to get some sleep, Ryan.’
He looked into her eyes again, which set off another round of confusing emotions battling against each other inside her head, and what happened next she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t. Maybe it was the ridiculous amount of unexpected stress the night had brought, or the fact that coming face-to-face with his demons had scared her more than she’d thought it would, she didn’t know. All she knew was that the feelings she still had for this man were real and they were still there. Despite everything.
She closed her eyes and felt his lips brush ever-so-gently over hers, igniting the tiniest of sparks inside her belly, her heart jumping as his mouth covered hers again, this time in a longer, slower kiss. And it took just seconds for the night to take its toll, for all the raw emotion and unexpected, still-repressed feelings to rise to the surface. It took just seconds for everything else to be forgotten as nothing but being close to him mattered. She should call Jim, but she knew she wouldn’t. She didn’t want to because she didn’t want to break away from Ryan, from what was happening here. She didn’t want to let him go. He’d seemed to have found a strength from somewhere that meant he was stripping the clothes from her body so fast she was breathless, wanting only to feel his skin against hers again, his fingers touching her in all those special places. It didn’t matter what he’d done tonight, who he’d been with, who he’d kissed, who he’d slept with; it didn’t matter. Not right now. She was caught up in a moment that she hadn’t wanted to happen, at first, but it was happening now, and she wanted nothing to get in the way of them finishing this journey. A journey back to them.
She let him push her back onto the sofa as he pulled the last of her clothes away, the cold air hitting her nakedness like a short, sharp shock, making her inhale deep, exhaling only when the warmth of his skin touched hers. Arching her back as his hands ran down over her waist, her hips and thighs, his mouth lowering down to kiss hers again, those confusing emotions showed no signs of subsiding as he pushed her up against him.
‘Ryan…’ she groaned, throwing her arms up above her head as his mouth moved down to her breasts, but all she wanted was to feel him inside her, taking her over once again, making her realise what she’d walked away from. She needed that so badly it was a physical pain, so deep and so real she felt it slice across her like the sharpest of knives.
‘Open your eyes,’ he whispered, his mouth gently resting on hers as he spoke. ‘I want to look at what I’ve thrown away, I want to see the way you look at me when I make love to you… I need to see that, Amber.’
She opened her eyes, staring deep into his as he slowly pushed inside her, only the smallest and quietist of moans escaping as a beautiful feeling of peace and clarity suddenly took over from the madness and the surreal events this night had thrown up. One minute she was making plans for that life with Jim that she’d always thought she’d wanted, and the next she was back in the arms of her handsome footballer. And there was nowhere else she should be. She should never have left him, never have let him go through everything alone. The guilt she’d been feeling ever since the day she’d walked out on him should have told her that.
Wrapping her legs around him she felt him push deeper, their eyes still locked together, everything else fading out of focus, ceasing to matter because, at that second, they were the only two people that existed. All she could feel was his body connected to hers in the most
intimate and beautiful of ways as a warm and comforting feeling of numbness washed over her. And when that ride finally reached its finale, when that familiar, burning pain took over, filling her up, making her scream out his name as he held her as close as he possibly could, barely a millimetre between their bodies, she felt everything come spilling back in an avalanche of doubt – every ounce of confusion, every reason why this was the worst thing she could have done. It all came hurtling back, taking over her head like a crowd of uninvited gate-crashers, when all she wanted to do was lie there and hold him, kiss him, make everything better. She wanted to make everything better.
‘Stay with me,’ Ryan whispered. ‘Please. Stay with me.’
She wasn’t going anywhere.
*
‘He’s okay, Max. I promise. As far as I’m aware we shouldn’t be worried about anything appearing in the press. I know Gary won’t say anything.’
‘You can be sure of that, can you?’
‘None of them were exactly saints last night, Max. All I know is Ryan’s okay, although he’s in no fit state to go anywhere near training today.’
‘Can you sort that out? Try and smooth things over with the club?’
‘Yeah,’ Amber sighed, looking out of the French windows in the huge kitchen of the house she’d shared with Ryan for such a short time. The one that had never really felt like home.
‘Only, I know you’re close to Jim Allen. Just make up some excuse, tell them he’s got some kind of contagious bug or something.’
Amber closed her eyes at the mention of Jim’s name. If only Max knew exactly how close she was to Jim Allen. And what the repercussions of that might have on this situation now. ‘They might want him to be checked over by the club doctor.’
‘We can’t risk that, Amber. If he’s got any traces left in his blood…’
‘I know,’ she sighed again, resting her forehead against the cold glass, closing her eyes as the events of last night filled her head. Again. Because they were all she’d been able to think about for the past few hours as she’d lain in bed, holding Ryan close, remembering how it could be. And knowing how it really was. ‘I know. I’ll think of something. He should be fine tomorrow.’
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