by E. L. Todd
I stared at her gorgeous legs with longing, remembering the way they used to wrap around my waist when we made love. I shook the thought away because it was so inappropriate.
She had a boyfriend.
Silke reached us then Abby ran into her and hugged her. She laughed as she almost fell over. “Did you like the show?”
“So cool!” Abby looked up at her and smiled.
Silke leaned down. “I’m glad you liked it.”
“I want to watch it again!” Abby squealed.
“Well, it might be boring the second time around,” Silke said with a laugh.
I stared at Silke and tried not to drool. “You did a wonderful job.”
When she turned her gaze on me, the laughter was gone. “Thank you. I’m surprised you came.”
“Abby and I like to do things on the weekend. When you mentioned the presentation, I thought it would be a fun learning activity for Abby.” That was a bunch of bullshit. I just wanted to see her.
“Well, it is,” Silke said. “The museum is a great place for a Saturday activity.”
I was relieved she wasn’t irritated.
Abby chuckled. “Daddy likes you.”
What did she just say?
Silke stilled then forced a smile.
“He likes you likes you,” Abby added.
I wanted to cover my face and die. “Abby, come here.”
“No.” She clung to Silke. “Don’t you, Daddy?”
Why was my daughter ruining my life right now? “It’s time to go.”
“Daddy is taking me for ice cream,” Abby said. “Come with us.”
We were going to have a serious talk when we got home. “She’s busy, Abby.”
“Actually, I’m off,” Silke said. “I worked the morning shift.”
Oh, I wasn’t expecting her to say that. “Well, you’re welcome to get ice cream with us.”
“Come with us!” Abby yelled. “Please.”
Perhaps my daughter wasn’t so annoying after all.
“Uh, sure,” Silke said. “Just let me take care of something.” She guided Abby to me then walked away.
I turned my gaze on Abby. “I don’t like her.”
“Yes, you do!”
“No, I don’t,” I argued. “Stop saying that.”
“You look at her.” She giggled.
“I’m looking at you.”
“It’s not the same.” She laughed again. “You stare at her.”
Why did my daughter have to be so smart? “Do Daddy a favor and don’t say that again.”
“Why?” she asked in confusion.
“I’m embarrassed. Don’t tell her that.”
“Sorry, Daddy. I didn’t know.”
How could I get mad when she was so adorable? “It’s okay, sweetheart.” I kissed her forehead.
Silke returned. “Ready to go?”
***
We ordered our ice cream and I paid for it. Silke tried to pay for hers but I pushed her money away. Fortunately, Silke didn’t argue. When we had our frozen treats, we walked to Central Park. It was near my apartment so that was convenient.
Abby was talking to Silke about her collection of ponies and what she hoped to get next. Silke acted interested and humored her. I watched their interaction, falling harder for Silke than I wanted to admit. She got along with Abby so well. We could be a perfect family if I could just get her back.
We reached a park bench and sat down.
Silke ate her ice cream slowly, just like she used to. She was a light eater and always took her time. But mostly, she didn’t finish her food and ended up throwing it away.
I scarfed mine down like I hadn’t eaten in days.
Abby ended up spilling most of hers on the grass and a few gummy bears were stuck in the dirt. But she salvaged what she could and ate it.
Silke stared at Abby fondly, falling under her spell. With her attention diverted to Abby, I stared at her. A slight smile was on her lips and she looked amused. Abby was clearly in her heart, making her soft like everyone else.
It was hard to stare at Silke and not think about our relationship. I remembered every conversation and every touch. We never had a kiss that was ordinary. It was always explosive and led to passionate lovemaking. Our fights were common, but we always came back to each other. The love we had was real. There was never any doubt.
“Look at her ponies!” Abby pointed.
A girl in the sandbox played with her toys. She looked about Abby’s age.
“Ask if you can play with her,” I said.
“Can I?” she asked.
“Go ahead,” I said.
Abby ran to the sandbox then talked to the girl. Then she sat down and started to play with her.
I watched them, making sure there were no weirdoes lurking around.
“You’re great with her.”
I turned to Silke. “I try.”
“Thank you for the ice cream.”
“You’re welcome, Silke.”
She averted her gaze and watched Abby.
“You really did a wonderful job today.”
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
“It’s clear you’re passionate about it.”
“I’m grateful I get to do what I love every day. Most of the time when I’m at work, I don’t want to leave.”
“I feel that way about Abby. Every time I have to return her to her mom, it’s torture.”
“Maybe you’ll get to have her longer eventually.”
“Maybe,” I said. “I’m not going to push my luck. I’m just glad I have any weekends with her.”
“What’s Lydia like?” she asked.
“Nice. That’s about it.”
“That’s it?” she asked with a laugh.
“Honestly, I haven’t really gotten to know her. The only thing we ever talk about is Abby. I’m not over there for any other reason. She knows that.”
She nodded. “Has Abby asked why you aren’t together?”
“Yeah. I explained we’re just friends and we’ll never be more than that. I don’t want to get her hopes up and then disappoint her.”
“That makes sense.”
I remembered the way Abby told Silke I liked her. Geez, that was embarrassing. “I’m sorry about Abby earlier…she says a lot of things without really thinking about it.”
“It’s okay, Arsen.”
I leaned back in the chair and watched my daughter play. “How’s the gang doing?”
“Good. Slade is engaged.”
I smiled. “Good for him. It was perfectly obvious how hung up on Trinity he was.”
“Actually, they broke up for a while because Slade didn’t want to get married. He finally came around.”
“Good for him.”
“I’m happy. Trinity has always been a sister to me, so now it will be official. And now I know Slade won’t die alone.”
I laughed. “He just needed to find the right person.”
“Skye and Cayson are doing well. He’s trying to figure out his career and she’s working for her father’s company. They had their problems but they’re fine now too.”
“That’s great,” I said.
“Conrad and Beatrice broke up.”
“May I ask why?”
“Because she’s annoying,” she snapped. “She blames Conrad for everything. Personally, I think he dodged a bullet.”
“In that case, good for him.”
“Roland is working for a magazine now.”
“Is he seeing anyone?”
“Not that I know of,” she answered. “And that’s about it, really.”
“That’s a lot of people to remember.”
She laughed. “You get used to it. So, what about you?”
“What about me?” I asked.
“What’s going on in your life?”
“Well, I don’t have any friends besides Ryan. So, I work and then hit the gym. Then I go home and eat dinner while I watch TV. Sometimes I go to Lydia’s to
see Abby. I would go every night, but I don’t want to wear out my welcome. And then I look forward to the weekends I have with Abby. My life is pretty boring…”
“I wouldn’t say it’s boring. You’re starting over. It takes time to get settled.”
“I suppose.”
“Do you still smoke?”
“No,” I blurted. “I quit a long time ago. Do you?”
“I never really smoked, just with you.”
“Yeah…I was a bad influence.” I felt ashamed thinking about it.
“No, I made the decision. You can’t put all the blame on yourself. I chose to be with you even though it had disaster written all over it.”
I deserved those words but they still hurt. “I wouldn’t say our entire relationship was a disaster. There was a lot of beauty in it.”
She looked away and watched Abby.
“I admit I wasn’t the best boyfriend to you, and even though I never said I loved you, I did.” I watched her profile, seeing her reaction to me.
She kept her gaze averted.
I turned back to Abby, knowing this conversation had become too serious.
Silke busied herself by looking at her nails. She wouldn’t look at me for any reason.
“Do you love him?” It just came out without thought. I was vulnerable and in pain. Spending the afternoon with her in the park while my daughter played in the sandbox was torture. I wanted this, every day. But I wanted Silke and I to be closer, to be holding hands. I wanted all of her.
She turned her gaze on me, and there was fire in her eyes, emotion that was about to leak out. “It’s none of your business if I do or don’t.” She held my look before she turned away.
“You don’t.”
“Excuse me?” She turned back to me.
“You would have said yes if you did.” Why was I saying this? I was practically cornering her like a dog.
She looked away again. “Arsen, I’m so happy for you. I’m so glad you’ve remade yourself. Seeing you with Abby makes me smile. Knowing you reached your potential and became an honorable man is absolutely wonderful.” Then she turned her gaze on me. “But it doesn’t change anything. You treated me like garbage. You never told me you loved me when I needed to hear it. All we did was argue back and forth. Most of my time was spent trying to keep us together rather than us just being happy. It was exhausting, Arsen.”
I held her gaze even though it hurt to look at her. The layers of pain were clear.
“I never gave up on you and I was always there for you. Every time you doubted your worth, I pulled you back up. I constantly gave myself to you, my heart as well as my virtue, and never once did you appreciate it. You kept taking off and letting me down. And the worst part…” Her eyes started to bubble. “You changed and became this amazing man but you didn’t do it for me.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yes, I—”
“No, you didn’t. I asked you to quit selling weed and get your life together. All you did was feed me excuses about why it couldn’t be done. You told me there was no future for us so it was pointless. Never once did you fight for me. Never once did you put me first. You were a selfish jackass. So, how dare you sit there and ask me how I feel about the man who’s given me everything? He’s the first guy to fight for me. He’s the first guy to make me feel beautiful. He’s the first guy who’s completely gone out of his way just to make me smile. So, Arsen, what the fuck does it matter if I love him? What does it matter?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and felt the pain thud in my heart. I ripped her apart and broke her. I hurt her more than I realized.
“Even when you went to prison, I was still there for you. I still came to see you and I still loved you just as much. Nothing had changed. My love was unconditional. But you threw me out and said you wanted nothing to do with me. And you did it so easily. You only told me you loved me because I hysterically begged you. What girl wants to hear that under those circumstances?”
I couldn’t look at her anymore.
“Do you have any idea what I went through when you turned your back on me? I’ve never been more broken or lost in my entire life. I would wake up just to watch the sun rise then set again. I wouldn’t move. It was like every bone in my body was broken. I’d never experienced so much pain in my life. You ruined me, Arsen. You swallowed me, mutilated me, and then spit me back out. I opened my legs to you because I loved you, and you took my virginity without even caring what it meant. You’re the biggest mistake of my life.”
I closed my eyes and felt my chest cave in.
“So, don’t you dare ask me about Pike. It’s none of your goddamn business.”
I opened my eyes and took a deep breath but I still didn’t look at her.
“I had no idea what I was doing when I came to see you. Not a clue. All I knew was that I had to see if you were real. I had to see if you were okay. I had to know. You were never there for me, but I still had to know…
“I understand you’re close to my parents, and I’m grateful my dad helped you. Even though you hurt me, I’m glad you aren’t exactly where you used to be. I’m glad you aren’t on the streets again. I’m glad you’ve taken responsibility for your actions and have really become a man worth something. I know you need my family because you don’t have one of your own. And that’s totally fine. But don’t talk to me like that again. I will be civil to you because I’m not a cold person. I will love your daughter and smile for her because she’s absolutely adorable and hasn’t done anything wrong. But don’t you dare act like you have any right to speak to me like that. Ever.”
I stared straight ahead until I could muster the strength to look at her. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sick of hearing that, especially from you.” She stood up then left the bench.
I didn’t try to stop her.
She went to the sandbox and said goodbye to Abby, hugging her and giving her a smile. Then she walked away and left the park.
I watched her go, realizing the extent of the damage I caused. I hurt the person I loved most, and I damaged her permanently. There was no reason for me to think I ever deserved a chance with her, even though I had changed. I deserved to feel this agony. I deserved to watch her walk away.
I deserved this pain.
I Will Follow You
Book Seventeen Of The Forever and Ever Series
AVAILABLE MARCH 23rd
Dear Reader,
Thank you for reading All I Want Is You. I hope you enjoyed reading Skye and Cayson’s story as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you could leave a short review on Amazon.com, iTunes, or BarnesandNoble.com, it would help me so much! Those reviews are the best kind of support you can give an author. Thank you!
Wishing you love,
E. L. Todd
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Other Works By
E. L. Todd
Alpha Series
Sadie
Elisa
Layla
Janet
Cassie
Hawaiian Crush Series
Connected By The Sea
Breaking Through The Waves
Connected By The Tide
Taking The Plunge
Riding The Surf
Laying in the Sand
Forever and Always Series
Only For You
Forever and Always
Edge of Love
Force of Love
Fight For Love
Lover’s Roulette
Happily Ever After
The Wandering Caravan
Come What May
Again and Again
Lover’s Road
Meant To Be
Here and Now
Until Forever
<
br /> New Beginnings
Love Conquers All
Love Hurts
The Last Time
Sweet Sins
Lost in Time
Closing Time
Southern Love
Then Came Alexandra
Then Came Indecision
Then Came Absolution
Then Came Abby
Abby’s Plight