Shanora Williams
writing as
S. Q. Williams
Edited by Cassie McCown of Gathering Leaves Editing
Cover design by Regina Wamba of Mae I Design
Formatting by Amanda Heath of Little Dove Formatting
© Shanora Williams, 2013.
This publication is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws, and all rights are reserved, including resale rights. You are not permitted to give or sell this book to anyone else. Any trademarks, product names, service marks, or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. All rights are reserved.
The names, events, and character depictions in this novel are not based on anyone or anything else, fictional or non-fictional.
FireNine series reading order
Who He Is
Who We Are
Table of Contents
Hatred
Angry Lips
18th Floor
Doves
Ellie for Breakfast
Friend
Counter
Gone
Girl's Night
Proposal
Encounter
Debra
Unexpected Visit
Googly Eyes
Talk
In the Crowd
Crazy Bitch
Three Months
Balcony
Birthday
Cake
Be Strong
The Lake
Bad Calling
Hopeless
Set Up
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
This is fucked up, Eliza. This is really fucked up of you.
I kept thinking it, but why the hell was I still walking forward with my roommate, the girl I couldn’t stand most, Teala Morris? “Gotta keep up if you’re hanging with me, baby girl,” she said, tugging on the hem of her skintight black dress. I had to pass on wearing one of her dresses. Instead, I went with some basic skinny jeans and a grey belly shirt.
It was instinct, really—going out with Teala of all people. I hated the girl with a passion and the only reason I dealt with her was because she was my roommate and it was too much of a hassle to try and move. Other than that, I could have cared less about her. I was using her tonight because I was worried about being backstage alone, but being with her was just like being by myself. The plan was rather pointless.
Teala was the kind of girl who made fun of people like me. Simple girls. Girls who went to the library to read instead of parties on weekends. She was the kind of girl who made fun of someone like me in my face and didn’t think twice about whether she’d hurt my feelings or not. It’s sad to say, but the only time I did love Teala was when she wasn’t at the dorm, which was every night.
The music thumped louder, and with each step closer, my heart clambered against my chest. I knew what band was playing. I knew the song. I knew every single damn word, and the bad part about it is it was a song he named because of something I said. It was the song he sang to me two nights before I left him behind—that became extremely popular.
Every time I heard it on the radio, it was a constant reminder of what I’d actually done to him. I hated what I did, and I was stupid for going with Teala to this damn concert, but I had to show up. It was my only way of getting back home. Ben (my father and best friend) told me he’d be waiting for me near the front gates. He was my only way home and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity again. Going home meant relaxing for a few days before starting my internship.
During the internship, I was going to have my own apartment (furnished by them) and the only thing I had to worry about was clothes, food, and transportation—but they paid for the transportation—and I was lucky to score the internship. It was for Arts Global, a gigantic art agency I’d fantasized about working for since I was a child. I was finally going to be living my dreams, painting, drawing, and meeting new people with similar interests.
There’d been plenty of times when Ben would call me and ask if I wanted to come home for a break. I would always tell him no because I knew exactly what he was trying to do. I knew who was always around him and I didn’t want to face him again. I was a coward, I was selfish, but I couldn’t help it. I literally ripped that boy’s heart to shreds.
We neared the crest of the hill and long silver gates appeared. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I spotted Ben standing near the ticket stand, checking his watch. The line beside him was exceedingly long and as I looked back to see where it led, I shook my head. It curved around the block and the show had already started. I guess the people were too amped for FireNine to leave.
Ben saw me coming, but as he spotted Teala, his eyebrows stitched. “It’s about damn time, Liza,” he snapped. “I have to get back there before the next song.”
“Great to see you, too, Ben,” I sighed out, following him through the gates.
He slowed down to get to my side and then looked over his shoulder at Teala, who was following behind us, ogling and batting her eyelashes at a few guys. “I’m sorry. You know I love you, sweetie.” He looked at me again, kissing my cheek. “But did you have to bring that trailer trash with you?”
I bit on a laugh and he chuckled deeply as we neared another gate. The bald security guard standing in front of it nodded at Ben as we got closer and he pressed a button for the gates to open. Teala clunked her way in behind us, her heels somehow louder than the music. As we neared a door, the crowd screamed and I winced. It’d been so long since I heard a scream like that. A whole eight months to be exact. My palms became sweaty as Ben opened the door. Has it really been that long since the last time I saw him?
I was deathly afraid of what was going to happen tonight. I was left with no choice but to face Gage Grendel after his show. I was proud of Ben for being their successful manager, but during this one night, I wanted him to have nothing to do with Gage or FireNine.
“All right, Liza,” Ben sighed. “Make yourself at home. Refreshments are on the table over there.” I nodded and he kissed my cheek before walking toward a man in a suit near the curtains to watch the boys play. Teala came to my side, her perfume burning my nostrils. It was a mix of cherry and alcohol. Horrendous.
“This is fuckin’ cool of you,” she said, slapping my shoulder.
I buckled a bit from her blow but pressed my lips to smile. “Yeah.”
“I can’t wait to meet the band. They’re total fuckin’ hotties. That Montana… oh, he could so have me right now. Any day. Anywhere. And Gage!” She squealed, bouncing up and down. “Oh, fuck, I would let him sing to me while we’re fuckin’. That would be amazing, right?”
I frowned at her. How many times could a person use the word “fuck?” Teala used it in every sentence and, quite frankly, it was unattractive… not that she wasn’t already unattractive. She wore so much hairspray that I was surprised she hadn’t choked on it. Her hair was solid black, her lips plastered with bold, red lipstick, and she was on the skinnier side. I didn’t want to know what she did to become so skinny. I was sure it had something to do with heavy drugs and working out too much.
“Teala, how about you go watch,” I insisted. I wanted her as far away from me as possible.
“Great idea!” She rushed away, her heels clomping as she pulled back the curtain and stared ahead in awe. I could tell she’d never been backstage before.
Sighing, I turned to face the refreshments and grabbed a bottle of water. I really wanted to bail. I couldn’t face Gage again. I couldn’t look into those hazel eyes or take in that casual smirk, his broad chest, firm shoulders… sexy figure. I didn’t have to see
him in order to know he looked hotter than hell. There was never a morning or night when he looked bad.
The crowd went wild as his voice echoed all across the stadium. I swallowed, hoping my knees wouldn’t lock from the bliss of his deep, bedroom-like voice. I shut my eyes, breathing through my nostrils and clutching my bottle of water. I had to be mature. I had to act like we were exactly what we’d started off as. A fling. I knew we were way more than that, but I told myself over and over again we weren’t. It wasn’t supposed to be more than that.
But then Gage said something that caused me to drop my bottle of water with a gasp. “I heard last night that one of the hottest girls I’ve ever met is supposed to be here right now.” He chuckled and I halted my next breath, keeping my gaze focused on the table. Too bad I was all ears. “This girl… I know she’s here right now. She really broke my fucking heart. I fucked up; she let me go. I opened up to her; she closed off on me. Has anyone in this crowd ever been in love?” he asked. As soon as he did, the crowd roared and there was even an, “I’m in love with you, Gage!”
“That’s great y’all. That’s great. I want her to know tonight how bad she fucked me over—how hurt I was when I watched her leave. Not only did she break my heart, but she took the pieces with her. This girl—wherever she is—isn’t gonna like this song, but…” I knew he was shrugging carelessly. “Oh well. I don’t give a fuck. That’s what this song is called: ‘We Don’t Give A Fuck.’ It’s explicit, but y’all know how we are… If you don’t, then bear with us.” He chuckled again, but my heart dropped as I stared down.
I scrambled for my water bottle as he began to sing loudly, his anger flowing through the microphone. Each word stabbed at my gut, making me want to double over, but I stayed grounded. I wanted to bolt for the exit, breathe in the crisp night air, but I knew I was still going to hear his lyrics. The worst part was he wrote it. He was the main lyricist, and it killed me even more to know this was definitely from his heart.
“It was bad to let you in,” he sang. “It was hard to get over you. I was stupid to be with you. You hurt me when I never did anything to you. I’ll scream ‘fuck you’ to the rooftops. I’ll let everyone know I’m not… I’m not in love with you. Fuck you. Fuck us. Like the band always says… WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK!”
I gasped again, hot tears creeping to the rims of my eyes. I blinked quickly, but I couldn’t move. I was stuck in place, begging my body to leave—to just turn around and run for the door. I didn’t have to face him. I planned to be nice and mature, but he was singing this? He was lying—I knew. He told me over and over again how much he was in love with me. How much he needed me to stay before I was pulled away from him.
After hearing these words, though, I wanted to slap him.
A hand capped my shoulder and I whirled around, staring into Ben’s bright-brown eyes. “Liza, you okay?” he asked. “I’m sorry… you know how he is. He always sings songs that aren’t planned.”
“Y—you told him I was going to be here?” I asked faintly.
“No, Eliza. I would never do that. Montana and I were talking about how you were doing in school last night. Gage overheard you were going to be backstage and I guess it led to… this.” Ben’s eyes softened as he pulled me in by the shoulders and held me while rubbing my back. “Don’t let him get to you. He’s still upset. You know he loves you. It’s just an act.”
“Well, his act seems real.” I sighed over his shoulder.
He pulled back, glaring into my eyes. “It’s not, Eliza. Keep your head up and whatever you do, don’t let him get to you tonight. I mean it. You’re coming home regardless.”
I nodded, pressing my lips as I took a step back. Someone called Ben’s name and he sighed, looking me over once more before turning around and meeting the same tall guy with blond hair.
The band sang three more songs before Gage finally told the fans of Virginia goodnight. I heard them gathering their things and then hooting and hollering as they rushed backstage. I tried to find Ben, but he was nowhere to be found. I needed to get out of there. The show was over, I stayed and listened to his heartbreaking song, and now it was time for me to go.
I squeezed my hands together, eyeing everyone until the curtain drew open, and the first two to come back were Deed P. and Montana. Deed caught sight of me first and his smile expanded as he rushed in my direction.
“Holy fucking hell!” Montana yelled, rushing for me as well. “Oh shit, we’ve got our Eliza back!” I giggled as Deed gave me a warm hug, and I giggled even harder as Montana picked me up in his arms and squeezed me. He then dropped me and gave a real hug, and I sighed because I knew who was coming back next. “Miss Eliza, it’s been a while. How’s everything going?”
“Great, Montana.” I smiled, looking him over in his grey T-shirt and dark-blue jeans. He’d changed his lip and eyebrow piercings to silver hoops instead of the old silver studs, and his blond mohawk was a few inches longer, the tips dyed a fierce orange. “You look great.”
“Well… you know how I do. I can never be ugly.” He winked.
I laughed before turning to look at Deed, who was already smiling at me. “Deed, how are you feeling?”
“Great, Eliza. Never better.” He winked as well, taking a step back. “I know we’re supposed to get out of here in a few minutes so I’ll go grab my stuff. Hopefully we can catch up later?”
“Yeah, for sure.” I nodded, watching him take a slow step back.
He nodded quickly, then spun around to get down the hallway, and Montana chuckled, bringing my attention back to him. “I’m sure you caught Gage’s performance,” he said, still laughing.
I swallowed. “I did, actually. But it’s whatever.”
He frowned. “It’s far from ‘whatever.’ I told him to chill, but when Gage wants something, he goes for it.” He looked me over as I lowered my gaze. “You’re okay… right? I know it’s probably going to be weird seeing him again—”
“I’m fine, Montana. It’s the past. I’ve gotten over it. I’m sure he has as well.”
I stared into his light-blue eyes and he fixed his lips to say something, but it took only a second for him to shut his mouth and nod with a sigh. “Well, I’m just gonna head back and get my things. We can catch up later.”
I nodded and he turned around, hurrying for his dressing room. Ben finally came down the hall with the blond-haired man in the suit, and I was more than relieved to see him. As I started walking his way, though, the curtain pulled back and my heart literally dropped. I don’t know if it’s possible to have your heart drop out of your ass, but that’s what it felt was happening to me.
He was glorious, as always. His hair was still the same—maybe a few inches longer. More tousled than I’d ever seen it before, and a few pieces were spiked up, but it looked amazing on him. He was lean in a black FireNine T-shirt with bright-red print. His dark-blue jeans were snug and as usual, he had Chuck Taylor’s on his feet.
He saw me and paused on his next step, just as I had. His hazel eyes narrowed as he looked me over from head to toe. The smile that was on his lips from the raving crowd evaporated and the corners of his mouth turned down. His eyebrows stitched and then he folded his firm, creased arms, making his body ink as clear as day. Roy stepped back last and stopped beside him, taking in the sight of me as well. He was about to say something to Gage, but before he could, Gage mumbled to him and Roy shook his head, walking away.
As soon as Roy was out of sight, I turned to look at Gage, but he was still staring at me. His eyes were still narrowed, his chiseled jaw ticking. I knew he wasn’t going to say anything first so I murmured, “Hi, Gage.”
“Eliza.” He scoffed, dropping his arms and stepping around me, heading for his dressing room. Some girls were already waiting backstage and as he passed them, he winked, blew kisses, and even pulled one of them in to wrap her in his arms while kissing the corner of her mouth. My throat burned as I watched him walk away leisurely. Ben caught the little act between us and his e
yes filled with guilt as he watched Gage step into his dressing room and slam his door behind him.
Ben looked at me with sorrow-filled eyes and I shrugged my shoulders as if I didn’t care, but deep down, it hurt. Deep down, I felt like someone had just stabbed me—twice. I knew this was going to be fucked up. I just knew it. I should’ve just told Ben to pick me up from my dorm… but either way, I would’ve seen Gage. Ben rode with the band to get here and it sucked I had to ride back with them.
Teala came up to me, grinning like an idiot. “That Grendel… I swear he’s so fuckin’ hot.”
I rolled my eyes as I turned my back to her. I grabbed another water bottle from the table and shut my eyes briefly. I just wanted this night to be over with already. I wanted to go home and pretend I didn’t see the hate in Gage’s eyes.
But it would have been impossible. The hate was clear. He was upset with me and he wasn’t going to get over it… not until we talked. But I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to be friends…
Okay, that was a stupid thought, but I couldn’t go back to what Gage and I were before. If I did, it would be just like hurting him again. And I didn’t want to hurt him. As much as I couldn’t stand him for the song he sang or even his attitude toward me, it would’ve been wrong of me to bring more pain upon him.
In the back of my mind, I knew I deserved his hatred.
After Ben and I dropped Teala off at some after-party and grabbed my bags from the dorm, we were on our way back to the truck. During the whole ride back to the stadium to pick up the boys, Ben and I were silent. I was speechless. Seeing the anger in Gage’s eyes made me relive all we’d gone through and how much he hated my decision. Ben knew it as well, which was why he kept quiet. He didn’t know how to make me feel better, but he didn’t need to. I didn’t really care.
Lies.
The most awkward part about the night was riding home with the band. I shared a few laughs with Montana, but each time my laughter filled the car, Gage would shudder, his jaw would tick, or he’d tell the driver to turn up the radio. I took in the small things he did. It was as if every single sound I made pissed him off. I was sure even my presence pissed him off.
Who We Are (FireNine #2) Page 1