After a few minutes, I realized Kelsey was standing right behind me, breathing the word “wow” over my shoulder a dozen times. I wasn’t sure why—that is until my hand stopped and I took a deep breath. I shut my eyes briefly, swallowing the lump in my throat, and then opened them. It was a shame that I knew exactly what I painted before even taking in the full sight of it.
There were the towers and even the sunset at the very top of the canvas. There were a few rays of light and birds flying toward the sunset. Pure white doves were all perched on a tree branch at the very bottom. Some of the doves had music notes floating above their heads, while some simply watched. I realized then that the bird watching was me. And the one singing was Gage.
And in the middle of the entire canvas was a beautiful face. A bright smile that I missed so much. Spectacular hazel eyes with flecks of green and yellow within them. The light stubble surrounding his sumptuous pink lips. The chink around his boyish eyes. The lips I wanted a taste of once again.
And most noticeably, he was smiling at me. No matter if I moved left or right, he watched me, smirking. Almost like his cocky, arrogant demeanor had found its way into the painting and knew why I stared like a madwoman.
“Can I see?” Gage asked, standing from his seat. My heart thudded, thinking the painting I’d been staring at for so long had spoken up. I’d completely forgotten Gage was sitting in the chair behind my canvas. It didn’t seem like it, but fifteen minutes had passed by.
“Uh…”
My lips tightened while Kelsey said, “Hell yeah! Look at this!”
A few people were caught off guard by her shrill voice. Some turned our way and some had even come to look. Gage leisurely made his way to my side, staring into my eyes the whole three steps before turning and looking down. I didn’t have to look in order to know his eyes were bulged out of his head. I heard his breath stifle and even felt him freeze by my side.
Some people were breathing “wow” just like Kelsey had, but I wasn’t worried about them. I wanted to know what Gage was thinking and how he was feeling. I knew this painting alone brought back memories he probably didn’t want to relive.
I remembered the last night we shared on tour together like it was yesterday. The way he played his guitar and sang to me in Times Square, looking only into my eyes or focusing on his instrument, even as people watched. Although there were a few bystanders, I felt like we were the only two in existence. Like our souls had become one and nothing outside of us mattered. I felt so special that night.
“Wow,” Gage breathed. It was one word—simple, just like everyone else’s—but it meant so much because his was a relieved wow. I looked up at him and he met my eyes, tightening his thumbs around the loops of his jeans. “I’m gonna go… grab something to drink,” he said right before pushing through the crowd to get out the door. I watched him the whole way, confused.
“Shit, newbie. Keep that up and you might just make it out alive on the twenty-ninth floor,” Monica said, clapping my shoulder. I knew her intention was to hurt my shoulder, but I simply smiled at her, placing my brushes down and pulling away.
“I assume you like it,” I said.
She pointed her nose in the air. “It’s all right.”
I laughed. Jealousy was really ugly on her.
She walked away and after a few people complimented me and I thanked them graciously, they returned to their artwork while Kelsey stepped to my side, staring at me with a dropped jaw. “Seriously?” she squealed. “Just friends? I knew something was going on!”
“No, it’s not! Stop being so loud,” I hissed, fighting a smile.
“Hey, I’m just saying.” She shrugged. “Something’s up. Why did he walk out like that? Like he was stunned or mad or something?”
“I don’t know,” I murmured. “I don’t think he was expecting this,” I said, pointing at my canvas. “And to be honest, neither was I.”
Kelsey blew out a breath, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Well, how about we place this one in storage and get you a new canvas—but this time, don’t paint his face,” she teased, laughing. “Maybe something along the line of their music? Their logo? FireNine-ish.”
“I’ll try,” I said, even though Gage was heavy on my mind. Even as I started my new painting, I refused to shut my eyes for fear of seeing those hazel irises and full lips taken over with a wicked, sweet smile.
Why did he walk out like that? Was he just as shocked as I was? I didn’t mean to—I mean, I did, but I couldn’t help it. He was the only one on my mind. He was my inspiration and I couldn’t lose it. In fact, I kind of liked it.
My day was completely draining but so well worth it. As soon as I arrived at my temporary apartment, I dropped my keys on the counter, blared some Laura Welsh on the stereo, and then trudged for the shower. The water was soothing. I didn’t want to step out of the steam, especially as I was bombarded with memories.
Gage and me on the FireNine tour bus. Gage kissing me, licking me, soiling me with his fervent kisses. I quivered, running a finger across my lips, remembering the kiss we shared when he stayed the night at Ben’s a few days ago. The passion I felt, the power. It was so much, yet I couldn’t get enough. My lips were still tingling from it… from how much I missed it. How much I missed him.
Soon, the water chilled against my skin and I shut it off, ran a towel over my damp hair, and grabbed an extra towel to wrap around my wet skin. I brushed my teeth, cleared my face with a handful of cool water, and then headed for my bedroom.
Laura Welsh sang about hollow drums and it was like she spoke to me—like she reminded me of how much I actually missed Gage. How hollow and empty I felt without him while I was in school and even now. In school, it was worse. Every little thing reminded me of him. Every couple that walked by hand in hand reminded me of him. All the girls who were smiling up at their boyfriends lovingly, clinging to their sides, holding them like they never wanted to let go… it all reminded me of him. I couldn’t stand it... but I missed it. I rolled my eyes, trying to rid my mind of him, but it was nearly impossible.
Even as I changed into a pair of running shorts and a tank top and dropped the towel from my hair, I still thought about him. Even as I poured myself a bowl of cereal and ate it to the heartfelt music, I still thought about him. Even as I lounged flat on my back on the sofa, my hand on my forehead, staring at the dots on the ceiling, I still thought about him.
About his eyes, his full, pink lips that always sent a bolt of electricity coursing through me whenever connected with mine. His hard, rippled body, the perfect sleeve of ink on his forearms, broad chest, ribs, and even his back.
The ceiling seemed to spin above me as the music filled me, and then I felt the rims of my eyes pricking, begging for the pooling tears to be shed. I couldn’t believe it. I missed everything about him. I fucking missed him. Entirely too much.
There was a knock on the door and I perked up, back stiff, staring ahead. They knocked again, and I swiped at my tears, confused. Who could be at my door this late? I cautiously made my way to the entrance, my heart pounding, my steps soft, making sure I didn’t cross any weak spots to make the floor creak.
I took a peek out of the peephole and made out a tousled mess of silky, dark-brown hair and broad shoulders. His head was ducked down, hiding his face, but I knew exactly who it was and I stifled a gasp.
My mind then went into gear. Should I let him in? Should I shoo him away? Should I blast him and beg him to just leave me alone?
In the end, I knew I couldn’t do any of those, no matter how upset I may have been with him. I did love him, after all.
I cracked open the door and he jerked away from the doorframe, taking a quick step back, his hazel eyes meeting mine. “Gage?”
“Eliza,” he whispered. His eyes were tired, restless. His lips were strained, as if he wanted to say something else, but then they relaxed and he ran a hand through his hair.
“Why are you here?” I asked, opening the door wider. He presse
d the palm of his hand on the door and stepped past me, his heavy cologne filling my lungs. It mixed with the light, airy scent of water, as if he’d purposely walked in the drizzle. I could imagine him pacing back and forth in front of the apartment building, debating on whether he should come up or not. “Better yet,” I said, “how did you know where this apartment was?” I locked the door before looking at him.
“Frank told me,” he sighed out. “Look… I can’t do this,” he said, running another rigid hand through his hair. A few pieces fell onto his forehead, proving he would need a haircut in maybe three days tops. His eyes saddened and filled with guilt and I narrowed mine, tilting my head.
“Do what?” I asked, stepping up.
“This… I can’t be angry anymore. I can’t act like I don’t fucking care. I want—” His sentence broke and his gaze lowered to the floor. Good thing the music was playing, filling the silence, because I wasn’t sure of what to say, but I knew what he was getting at. “I thought by avoiding you, ignoring you, and maybe even being rude to you that I would get over it because I’ve never learned to cope with shit like this before. Every time someone I love leaves me, I just… I lose it. I lose myself. I never know what to do to make things right. I wasn’t supposed to come here. I wasn’t even supposed to see you at Arts Global. That was a stupid idea. I was supposed to fight myself from getting close to you again—for your sake—but… I can’t. I can’t fight it. It’s so fucking hard to stay away from you, Eliza. You wanna know what I thought about today?”
“What?” I whispered, slightly afraid of his response.
“I thought about that damn painting. How you really must care if you painted my face of all things… and those birds?” His eyes were wide and I swallowed, folding my fingers in front of me. “I thought about caressing your skin again, like I did all last summer. I thought about sucking on those lips, staring into your eyes, breathing you in all over again. I wanted to kiss you everywhere, Eliza. Every-fucking-where. I thought about taking you in my arms and if I had to, dropping on my knees again and begging you to just accept me—to just take me and… love me. You don’t understand how much you mean to me. Today, watching you so excited about that internship, was like an eye-opener. I finally figured out how hard the battle between your love for me and your love for art, your future, and your career must’ve been. It just hurts to know art won, is all.”
He took slow steps toward me and with each one I backed up until I bumped against the door. No. No. He couldn’t be doing this. Why did he come now? When I was at my most vulnerable? It’s like he knew I was thinking about him and he showed up right on cue. Right when I missed him most. “Gage—”
“You still say my name like that,” he mumbled and took another step forward. “Like a warning. Like you don’t want me near you. I can see it in your eyes, Eliza. I can see it all over your face. I saw it in that painting. You want me just as bad, but you’re fighting it. Why?” he asked, grabbing my hand and reeling me to him. “Because you think I’ll hurt you again? Because you think you’ll have to drop everything for me?” He swept his calloused thumb across the smooth pad of my cheek. His lips hovered only inches above mine, and I shut my eyes, breathing in his spicy cologne again. “I would never make you drop something you love. I’d never drop what I love—for anybody. I’d make room for the other thing I love, though. I made room for you.”
I sucked in a breath as he cupped my face and pulled me closer, but we weren’t kissing. His lips brushed mine—so close—and mine tingled again. I licked my bottom lip and his eyes lowered to watch the smooth action. He then met my gaze again, holding my face a little tighter and pulling me in all the way.
His mouth crushed mine; his tongue ran over my lips before sneaking through and entwining with mine. He groaned, I moaned, and the next thing I knew, I was in his arms and my back was on the sofa. He nudged my legs apart with his knee, his eyes hard on mine. They were as hard as steel, the yellow and green flecks of his irises sparkling from the light of the dim lamp above us.
“I love you, Eliza,” he said in the hollow of my neck, right before kissing the same area. I shivered, delightfully of course. “You’re the first girl I’ve ever loved outside of family and I’ve been going fucking crazy over you. You don’t understand how much I need you. How much I miss you. You were all I had, but I… I fucked up.”
I whimpered as his hands skimmed my body, explored beneath my shirt, before palming one of my breasts. I wanted him to stop, but he felt so good against me, and I missed it so much. He had complete control of my body and there was no way around how I felt. I wanted him so close, yet I wanted him as far away from me as possible. I bit my bottom lip hard as he sat up and stared down at me.
“Let me take care of you,” he whispered gruffly over the music. “I have to feel you again. I want you to feel me. I want to show you how much I’ve missed you. Words aren’t enough.”
I shook my head and began pulling away from him, but he grabbed my wrists, pulled them above my head, and pinned my hands. “Gage, it won’t be right.”
“Why won’t it?” he asked, skimming his nose across my cheek, his tongue flicking the shell of my ear. Damn, he was so good at that. “Everything we’ve felt is right, Eliza. There was never anything wrong. What we had was real.”
“I-I don’t wanna hurt you again.”
“Then accept me. Let me be a part of your life. I’d do anything to make you part of mine again.”
“Gage… I can’t be the girl you want me to be.”
He jerked back a little, narrowing his eyes. “All I want is your love… but you’re afraid.”
“I’m not afraid. I just know what I want and—and I don’t see you fitting in anywhere until I’ve at least graduated.”
He stared into my eyes, his hard like granite. He still had my hands pinned above me, but in no time he pulled one of his hands back, shoving my knee against my chest, and fell into me even more. “That’s how long you’ll make me wait?” His breath was hot and pleasant as it flowed through the crease between my neck and shoulders. He placed a kiss there as well and I shuddered. “I can’t wait that long, Eliza.”
“If you love me, you’ll wait… right?”
“No, Eliza. What’s wrong with now? I’ll give you whatever you want. Just tell me.”
I didn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say.
He stilled against me, his breath trickling down my chest until finally he sighed and released my hands. Pushing away from me to stand, he ran a heavy hand through his hair and looked away. His jaw ticked way too many times to count and his lips pressed together a little too tightly.
“Gage—I’m sorry. I—”
“Eliza,” he said raggedly, shaking his head. “Don’t. I understand we all have dreams. We all have that one thing we want in life, but can I not be a part of that? Can I not be a part of you accomplishing those dreams? I’m not asking you to drop out of school or drop everything for me. If anything, I want you to finish, but I want you to do it with me. If you’re happy at UV, okay! I’m glad. I want you to finish there… But where do I fit in? If you love me, why can’t you just include me in your life? I think that’s where we’re confused. I don’t want you giving up everything for me.”
“I never said I couldn’t,” I said, pushing on my elbows and standing. “But it was clear last summer that we weren’t going to work out when Penelope’s still around you.”
He stepped in, tugging me by the arm to pull me against him. “Eliza…” His voice broke. “It’s going to take time… please.”
“Gage…” I hesitated. “I—I don’t know if I can trust you. I don’t want you hurting me and I definitely don’t wanna hurt you either.”
He watched my eyes, clasping my hand in his. He brought my knuckles to his lips and kissed each one, sending a mass of butterflies fluttering at the pit of my tummy. “I know I have to work for your trust again. I know you’re still upset about Penelope. I’m going to get rid of her.”
&nb
sp; I wanted to believe him so bad, but I knew he was lying. I saw something about him and Penelope recently—by accident of course. It was during one of the rainy days when Teala was stuck in the dorm during the week, surfing channels. She just so happened to stop on the entertainment channel the day they were talking about “Rock god Grendel.”
“It’s not just about Penelope.” I shrugged. “It’s about everything. My future. Your future. We live two completely different lives, Gage, and you know it. I’m simple, meek, and a little standoffish. You’re open, livid, and exciting. You’re everything I’m not. I’ll be working and doing my own thing here—or wherever—while you’re traveling, singing, and doing your thing with the band.” I bit my bottom lip, folding my arms. There was something I had to know before anything else. Before I met his eyes, I hesitantly asked, “Did you sleep with her any time during those last two nights?”
He blinked rapidly with stitched eyebrows. “No, Eliza. I swear. I made sure we went out more than we stayed in. I made sure I went places where she couldn’t touch me in public. She tried—you know how she is—but I didn’t let her. I… couldn’t. The whole time I was with her, I was thinking about you. But she wouldn’t let me go—not without her. I promise I didn’t sleep with her, Eliza. I put it on everything I love.”
The rims of my eyes burned before I tore away my gaze. I didn’t know if I could trust him. He told me he would leave Penelope for me—that he loved me… but over the course of those eight months, I considered him a liar. I hated liars. I couldn’t stand people who couldn’t keep their word, but I had to admit that him not sleeping with her brought relief to my conscience.
Gage leaned in and kissed my cheek. I looked up at him, my pulse picking up. He was closer, his lips a sliver away. One inch forward and we’d be kissing. He dared the inch, sliding in closer, gripping my hipbone, and devouring my lips. His fingers snuck up my shirt, mine up his, and I felt the ridges, the muscles and hardness. It felt good. I missed it. I missed him.
Who We Are (FireNine #2) Page 5