“Oh please. He’s just going to take pictures, see if he gets Prom King, and he’ll be out. Dances aren’t his thing.”
“Well, if you really like Justin, it’s worth a shot. Ask him and maybe he can break the news to Jane.”
“Jane’s my best friend. It has to come from me. We tell each other everything.”
Yeah, sure, everything. Ask Todd or Maisey about that one.
“Well,” I shrug. “Let me know how it goes.”
“So, back to you, Brittany-Bree. Do you think you’ll wait until Prom night to finally do it? He really likes you, you know.” Molly brings her voice back to a whisper. “I think you should go for it. I can tell he’s so into you because when him and Jane had sex they never even hung out or anything after that …”
Molly’s voice keeps chirping but I can’t hear her. My heart is lodged in my throat. And I want to throw up. Throw up all over everything she just said. But I don’t. I swallow really fucking hard and try to push it all down, down, down.
“Bree? Hello?” Molly waves her hand in front of my face.
“Oh yeah,” I say hoping the quaver in my voice doesn’t give me away. “Well, yeah I don’t think he thought it was that serious, ya know.”
“Yeah, for sure.” Molly nods and starts popping toast in and out of the toaster.
“So,” I say, grabbing the orange juice and some cups. “When did they do it?”
“Oh gosh, I don’t know, it was …” Molly turns around real slow, her face falling into a frown as she stares me down. “Oh my gosh, it was way before you. Like the beginning of March.” Her eyes widen. “You didn’t know?”
I line up the glasses real straight and focus on pouring juice.
“Shoot. I figured you knew and that’s why you hate her so much.”
“Nope. I didn’t know. Oh well. It’s not a big deal.” I count the glasses over and over. “There’s six of us right?”
“Yeah, Bree. Six.” Molly grabs the container from me. “Hey, you can’t say anything to anyone. Please? I mean it. Jane made me swear not to say anything. She didn’t want anyone to know.”
“Jane didn’t want anyone to know what?” Kallie asks as she and Todd come into the kitchen.
“Breakfast. Cool! You should be the one makin’ me breakfast Kallie.” Todd laughs.
“Yeah, well, I was up early, so …” Molly looks at me.
“Don’t even try it,” Kallie says. “Finish what you were saying. What is it about Jane you’re not supposed to tell us?” Kallie grabs a piece of bacon and takes a bite, glaring. Her eyes dart from me to Todd. “I’m pretty tired of everyone knowing but me.”
Molly shakes her head at me, wide-eyed and biting her lip.
“Don’t worry guys,” I say. “It’s not what you think.”
Justin steps into the room and so does Sean. Everyone stands still. I’m not sure if they’re not moving because the air’s so thick or they don’t want to be the first to grab a plate. Sean walks toward me but I step back.
“What’s not what we think?” Justin asks. “The bacon? Please don’t tell me it’s turkey bacon.”
“Oh well, nothing serious,” I say looking right into Sean’s eyes. “We were just talking about forks. Yeah, forks. And how Jane and Sean had sex. No big deal.”
Justin snatches a plate from the counter. “Well, alrighty then. I guess it’s real bacon.”
Kallie exhales. Todd clenches his fists but his mouth looks clamped shut. Molly studies the floor.
Sean steps forward again, his arm reaching toward my waist. “Bree, that was before you and I even … it was …”
“It was what? Just something you didn’t tell me during a whole conversation we had about sex or something you might have mentioned in one of the million conversations where I’m telling you everything about me? So, it was what? Something you forgot? A mistake right? Just like last night. A big fucking mistake.” I sprint out of the kitchen and upstairs. I grab my things and run back down, passing Sean on the way.
“Breeze, c’mon, just talk to me for a second.”
I can’t hear him because I am running. Out the door. To my car. Out of here.
On the way home, Sean’s sweatshirt stares me down from the passenger seat. I roll my window down to throw it out, but the car in my rearview stops me. I grab it and toss it in the back.
****
Once I’m home, I drag myself into the shower and put my pajamas on. I lay in bed, like a butterfly trying to wrap itself back into a cocoon. Everything is awkward, crooked, heavy, bent, and broken. All the feelings from last night. The magic, the lake, the moon, the heat, the loveliness of it all, the high of it, is dissipated. Washed away in a hard, cold, face-slapping morning. My phone vibrates off and on throughout the day beneath my damp pillow. Every buzz is a needle that drags along my skin, jagged, sharp, in and out.
The doorbell rings around two and then again an hour or two later. Both times I tell Mom I’m sick. I’m not talking to anyone.
“Just please leave me alone, please,” I tell her from under my blankets, a fresh parade of tears springing to my eyes. I cradle my pillows, my stuffed dog Pippa, and an ache that feels like winter.
TWENTY-SIX
Sunday morning after the doorbell rings, Kallie marches into my room. “This is crazy. C’mon. Get up. You can’t let this get you down.”
“How’d you get in here?” I pull myself up and wrap my comforter around me like a cape.
“Your mom. Duh. I told her it was about a boy and the only panacea was your BFF and this.” She tosses me a white paper bag.
I open the bag, “Mmm donuts.” Powdered jelly. I take a bite and the tears fall out of my eyes and onto my donut.
“Omigod, this is so sad.” Kallie hops on my bed and wraps me in a hug. She starts crying too.
“It’s pathetic.” I pass her the bag. “You’re gonna need one of these.” We sit on my bed, eating donuts and wiping powdered sugary mouths and tears with paper napkins.
“So what’re we doing? Prom: Parties of One?” Kallie smiles.
“What’re you talking about?”
“Don’t make me say it. The scene after you left. Oh shit, it was a mess.”
“Really? Oops.” My shoulders slump as I sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I hope my drama didn’t ruin everyone’s breakfast.”
“It wasn’t you. Trust me, it wasn’t. It was the can of worm crap that hit the fan after you left. Poor Justin.” Kallie laughs through her tears. “He just sat there. You know it’s bad when Justin Conner runs out of jokes.”
“What happened?”
Kallie sighs. “Well, Todd asked Sean when him and Jane hooked up, like demanded to know when exactly this happened. And I’m standing there, pissed. So I’m asking Todd why. Why does he care—what’s it matter to him, right? Even though I know why, you know I know. Then Sean’s like, ‘Dude, not that it’s your business but it was the beginning of March, the night of that basketball game against Anoka. The one where Monroe kept missing those three pointers.’ So Todd says that’s fucked up and he couldn’t believe it. He was so pissed. And Molly was so clueless, telling Todd to chill, saying that Sean wasn’t with you yet so it’s okay. As if Todd was mad because he cared about your feelings. He looked like he wanted to fight Sean. So, Sean steps up and looks Todd right in the eye and says, ‘Yeah, well I didn’t know you were screwing Jane at the same time too so it looks like I’m the only one in the clear here, right bro?’ Todd stood there like an idiot, Justin didn’t say anything, and Molly started crying.
I told Todd to grab his shit from my room and get the hell outta my house.”
“Oh. My. God. That’s craaaaaazy. I’m so sorry. I mean this in the nicest way, I tried to tell you so.”
“Yeah, I know.” She grabs my wrist. “Thanks. I’m sorry I acted like such an idiot. I believed you but I didn’t, if that makes sense. I really didn’t want to know. I think a big reason why is because of this Prom stuff. This stupid Prom stuff. I
just wanted to keep being Todd’s girlfriend so bad and then I wanted to be on court, and once I got it, it felt like I actually had a chance to be Queen. Lame. At least the sex was good.”
“Can we stop force feeding me images of naked Todd? I’m trying to enjoy these donuts.”
“My bad.” Kallie grins. “You know who I actually felt sorry for? Molly. She couldn’t stop crying. She was more upset about Jane betraying her than Todd. After Todd left, Molly and Justin took off and then I drove Sean home.”
My mouth goes dry as I try to swallow an ounce of my pride. “Sean. What’d he say?”
“All the right things.” Kallie looks into my eyes with her half smile half frown. “You’re lucky, like really lucky. He’s so into you, Bree. I mean, he slept with her before you guys even went on a date—or anything. It’s not like he cheated on you.”
“Here’s the thing,” I say. “Jane is such a––” Maisey’s letter worms its way into my head. I clamp my mouth before “bitch” pops out. “She’s a mess. She was awful to Maisey and look what happened to her. She didn’t have to be like that. She should’ve …” I try to fight the battle against another barrage of tears. “Jane’s got issues. I mean, I’m sure she does. But she’s been a dick to me since day one. Sean knows that. I thought it was because of Prom and because she didn’t like you. But Sean knew why. Sean and I’ve talked about a lot of stuff. Like, everything. He should’ve told me. Especially since we …”
“Since you what?” Kallie smirks and raises her left eyebrow.
“You know what I’m talking about.”
“No, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Because if it’s what I think you’re talking about you would’ve told me, right after, since we’re best friends.”
“Well, it is like right after. It happened Friday.”
Kallie shakes me by the shoulders and jumps up on the bed. She pretends to hold up a microphone. “Bree Ella Hughes. You’ve just lost your V card, what’re you gonna do next?”
“Well, by the looks of it, I’ll never find out if sex actually does get better, and worst of all, I’m going to Prom as a party of one.”
“Absolutely not. And ya know what? Neither am I. You’re gonna work this out with him. You have to. You guys are too cute together. Yes, he should have told you, but let him explain. Let him apologize. Like you said, Jane’s a mess. Look at her track record. No one wants to admit to sleeping with her. Can you blame him?”
TWENTY-SEVEN
Too bulky. Let’s try something a little more classic, maybe?” My Aunt Jen hands me a string of pearls as Mom adjusts the antique full-length mirror.
“So glad we have your help and expertise today. I’m not sure Bree always trusts my judgment.”
“That’s not entirely true, Mom. We also needed more jewelry to pick from.”
“Very funny,” says Aunt Jen. “I didn’t even go to my Senior Prom, not that I cared at the time. But still, how exciting. Oh Bren, this is happening too fast. Our little Bree is a lady.”
As I string the pearls around my neck, I push away the memory of Sean’s fingers grazing my skin after playing the guitar, and the way his breath always sped up when I touched him. Especially at the lake. “Can you unhook this necklace Mom, it’s too old ladyish and it’s suffocating me.”
Aunt Jen nudges my shoulder. “I hear you’ve been busy lately. Spending a lot of time with your new little friend.”
“Funny you should mention that. Bree came home around two a couple weekends ago,” says Mom.
I narrow my eyes. “Really, Mom?”
“So it’s getting serious, huh?” Aunt Jen asks. “Then let’s not beat around the bush. Are you still on birth control?”
My cheeks redden. “Omigod I can’t believe we’re talking about this.”
“Believe it, girl. Otherwise the next thing you know you could be knocked up and living in a van down by the river.”
“Jen, don’t joke. We’re serious about this, Bree.”
“How can I focus on the right accessories with you two butting into my sex life.” I push through Aunt Jen’s jewelry box frowning at an aquamarine the same shade as Sean’s eyes.
“Your sex life? Good Lord.” My mom falls back onto her bed. Aunt Jen laughs, fanning Mom’s face.
“Yes, my sex life. I’m seventeen, and only a few short months away from legal adulthood. But since you’re just dying to know, I don’t have an actual sex life per se.” Not anymore anyway. “But no one knows the future. I know all about STDs and thanks to MTV reality TV, I’m not trying to have a baby until I’m like a hundred years old. I’ve been taking my pill every single day for the last year and a half, and I also might even have a condom in the bottom of one of my purses.”
“Well, okay, I guess you told us.” Mom swats me on the butt.
Aunt Jen laughs. “Who knew your own daughter would be more of a lady than you were, huh Bren?”
“Don’t you dare,” Mom swings the string of pearls toward her. “This one. Wow. This might be the one, Bree.” She holds up another necklace.
“That was Mom’s. It’s a sapphire and probably perfect.” Aunt Jen throws my hair into a high bun as Mom clasps the necklace.
“Oh hon, it looks great on you. It is perfect. It would look good with a crown as well.”
I shake my head. “Well, if Kallie manages to win over Molly, I’ll let her wear the necklace for the crowning.”
As Mom and Aunt Jen lecture me on believing in myself and other things that have no relevance over Prom politics, I can’t help but wonder what Maisey would have worn. If she would have gone at all. I let my hair fall back down over my shoulders and try to picture her in my dress. I can’t. I can’t picture her in anything but the faded army green cargo pants and old gray sweatshirt she hid in every day.
If Maisey would’ve been at Prom, Jane and everyone would’ve been taunting her about declining the nomination. Kids would’ve been singing snippets of the Maisey song and throwing stuff at her. And I probably would’ve stayed silent. I grasp the sapphire between my fingers, the edges smooth, then sharp at the corners. At first I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do anything else with Maisey’s letter—or how I could make it right. But as I soak in the realities of my reflection, a girl, almost a woman looks back at me, alive, looking like she has everything. Even without Sean, for once it almost feels like I do. Almost. And for that, I decide that I don’t really have a choice. If I deny Maisey’s last request, I know I’ll never forgive myself.
“Hey don’t look so bummed,” my Aunt Jen says. “Don’t listen to us, we’re old!”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. I do believe in myself okay? And I definitely don’t need a crown on Prom night to validate me. I also won’t need it to put some of those other kids in check.”
“That’s what I’m talking about.” My mom smiles and Aunt Jen wraps me in a hug.
TWENTY-EIGHT
School and home are a blur the next week. Everything moves fast but me. Teachers hand back stacks of old assignments, surprising us with last-minute review quizzes, and assigning busy work. I move through it like a zombie. Dead, cold, and hungry. Everyone has checked out. And everyone is talking about Prom.
“So, let me get this straight,” Kendall asks over a tray of pizza and wilted salad. “It’s gonna be you and Sean, but you’re not even speaking to him; Chris and Laura since they’re back on again, Brian and Jane, Molly with Justin, and Kallie’s still going with Todd?”
“Yep,” I say with a mouthful of pizza, “that’s about right.”
Sam leans in. “You’re starring in a reality TV episode with too many stars and too many side plots. It doesn’t make sense. First off, why are you and Sean in a fight?”
“Just like I told you on Monday, Tuesday, and yesterday. It’s not a big deal and I’m not getting into it.”
“Okay. It was worth a try. So, second most important question: Why is Molly going with Justin now?”
“I don’t know Sam, maybe she likes him. W
hy am I the one being interrogated here?”
“Because,” says Kendall, “You’re the mole. Friends with them and friends with us. You’re a double agent so give us the goods.”
“Yeah, spill it.” Sam whispers, “You know what people are saying, right?”
“No.” I shift my gaze to the left and right, then pretend to pull out a notepad and pen. “What are the people saying?”
“Well,” says Sam, “they’re saying Todd cheated on Kallie but they’re still pretending to be a couple for Prom.”
“Yeah, they don’t want to mess up their chances at King and Queen.” Kendall stares me up and down. “Is it true?”
“I can neither confirm nor deny any allegations directed toward my best friend.”
“They almost had this whole thing in the bag.”
“Exactly.” Sam nods. “We’re sick of Molly and Jane winning everything. Kallie is friends with everyone, and Todd’s super hot, for a guy.”
“Who knows,” says Kendall. “With these rumors going around, maybe you actually have a chance.”
I pop a mushy carrot stick in my mouth. “Gee thanks.”
“No I mean it. It’s too bad you and Sean are so low-key. People barely even know you guys are a thing.”
“Yeah.” Sam adds, “You guys need to hang out in public more or do something scandalous.”
“Like what?” I ask. “Stage a pregnancy scare or check into rehab?”
“I know,” says Sam, her eyes lighting up. “You could throw a big party like Kallie did, but invite everyone. And have a theme. It’ll give you more visibility.”
All I can do is laugh and try not to spit out my carrot in the process. “You guys are out of control. It’s not a presidential election.”
“You’re damn right it’s not,” Kendall says. “This is Prom. It’s important.”
****
In last period, Justin passes me a note from my regular seat. I’ve forced Justin to trade spots with me every day since Monday. Opening the note for even a split second is painful. Sean’s handwriting stares right back at me. “I don’t want this,” I whisper and turn to give it back.
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