She pushed up on her elbow and stared down at him. “That sounds like you’re okay with me taking over your house.”
Damn, but yeah. “Sharing it.”
She speared her fingers through her hair, separating the strands as she focused on some spot on the wall over his shoulder. Finally, her gaze cleared and she focused on him again. “I’ve been on the run a long time.”
He never thought she’d admit that. Until that moment he hadn’t been sure she even understood her tendency to duck out emotionally. Looked like she did. “You made choices that allowed you to stay unattached, almost demanded that you live your life in a solitary way.”
“And now everything is jumbled. For the first time ever when I look out at the expanse of my future I don’t see anything.” Her head fell back as she stared up at the ceiling. “It’s this utter blackness. I can’t get it to focus. Can’t really think through my options.”
“Because you’re worried you’re being hunted?”
“No.” She looked at him again. “Because I don’t feel as if I have any choices. I know how to do one thing, and under the agreement I have to walk away from the CIA and all I’ve known. What’s left?”
“You’re selling yourself short.” She could fight and manage and lead. That was more than most people.
“Ever since my father . . .” Her voice faltered and she cleared it. “When you lose your mom the way I did you make some decisions about your life. You won’t be a victim. You won’t let your future get twisted up. You’ll always have a plan. A way out.” She ticked each one off on her fingers.
“Makes sense.” He hadn’t experienced anything like she had but he understood the intelligence of wearing a protective shell and being prepared for the worst.
“Somewhere along the line I lost sight of all of that.”
He’d never met a more competent woman or one so determined to let the blame pile up until it buried her. “Maybe you should give yourself a break? You made the decision to protect your people.”
She shrugged. “And look where that got me.”
“You would do it again.” He didn’t have to ask because he knew the answer. They were alike in that way. Loyalty, sometimes begrudging loyalty, trumped a lot of bullshit.
She exhaled. “I would.”
“Then stop worrying about the next twelve months or five years.” He wanted her to focus on the here and now. On being safe and getting her feet under her again. On them. Not that he could spit those words out in any logical way, or that he wanted to. He’d barely come to terms with the overpowering energy behind his feelings for her. This was not the time for show-and-tell. But he could offer sanctuary. “You are safe here with me. Stay here while you figure it out. There’s no rush. Even once we get this stalking thing straightened out, you can relax and think it through.”
“You know under that beard and all that gruffness, you’re a charmer.” She ran a finger over it as she talked.
He pretended to be horrified by the thought. “Absolutely untrue.”
“And when you want to talk you can.” Her thumb pressed against his lip until his mouth dropped open just a bit. “I’m thinking the whole short responses, not talking thing you did when we first met was an act to show me how big and tough you are.”
The woman got him. Gabe couldn’t deny that . . . but he pretended to anyway. “Wrong.”
“Want to know what’s right?” She shifted then, slid her leg over his and moved from beside him to half on top of him.
He fully approved of the change and pulled her over him to let her know. Then his mind started racing. “Sex in the shower?”
“Now, you’re talking.” She said the words between nibbling kisses on his neck.
Yeah, they were definitely on the same page.
• • •
Eli called before he showed up at the office. The warning didn’t make seeing him any easier. He walked in, all tall and so fucking beautiful. Andy almost lost it.
He struggled to keep his ass in his desk chair and his voice even when he saw only one person being ushered inside. “Where’s your bodyguard?”
Eli flashed a smile as he closed the door, trapping them both inside. “Wade was needed at the club.”
“Sounds ominous.” Andy tried to remember how to breathe.
Alone with Eli. Andy had been wanting this moment for so long. Then he learned about Wade and confronting the ex suddenly seemed like an epically bad idea.
“Powerful people sometimes think they can do whatever they want. Wade’s job frequently is to advise said asshole members that they can’t.” Eli sat in the chair across from Andy.
“Sounds like a thankless position.” Necessary but messy, though Andy had a feeling Wade specialized in that type of situation.
“He doesn’t scare easily.”
“Except when it comes to you.” The words slipped out as if Andy’s subconscious wanted to pick a fight.
Eli stared for a beat or two longer than necessary before answering. “He’s fine.”
For some reason the clipped answer brought all the old feelings rushing back. Andy remembered spilling his guts once only to have Eli sneer and run as fast as he could for the door.
Andy knew he should back away now. Wade had made it clear Eli was not available. Not that Andy needed the warning. He saw it in every line of Eli’s body and heard it in every word that came out of Wade’s mouth. They were absolutely together. Bonded, right for each other . . . the whole fucking thing.
Still, Andy felt the need to push. “Your man has a jealousy issue.”
“He knows I won’t cheat on him.” Eli didn’t hesitate that time. The words rang out clear and firm.
“Then what’s with the constant supervision?”
“He trusts me.” Eli’s eyebrow lifted. “He doesn’t trust you, and since I told him he can’t kill you, he’s decided to remove temptation.”
“He thinks I’ll make a pass?” That had been the plan the first day Eli walked into Tosh’s offices about Natalie. He’d been with his boss and all business, and Andy’s brain cells had started firing. The possibility of a reconciliation floated through as soon as he realized how much Eli had changed. He’d settled down. No longer seemed half feral in the way he moved through life.
“I told him you’re not that stupid.” Eli’s eyes narrowed slightly. “That you know the score.”
Andy appreciated the faith in him. Too bad it was so fucking misplaced. If he thought it might work, that it had a fraction of a fraction of chance, Andy would have made a play. Rather than point that out, he went with the question that refused to leave his head. “Why him?”
Eli shifted in his chair. Crossed one leg over the other then dropped it to the floor again. “Don’t do this, Andy. I came for business.”
“Don’t you think we have awesome unsettled business of our own to deal with?” Andy tried to stop the flow of words, but they kept rolling out. It was as if he’d stored the questions along with the feelings and both rushed forward at the same time. Once the subject was on the table, Andy wanted it dealt with. Finally. Once and for all. “Well?”
“I fucked up.”
The words sliced into Andy with a painful nostalgia. He would have done anything to hear them before his life had spun out of control back then. He’d wandered down a destructive path after Eli left. Wasn’t careful. Gabe had saved his life more than once. Andy finally made the needed corrections, but only after getting some distance and some help.
Still, Eli’s admission fed Andy’s need to know more. “I’m not arguing, but any chance you could be more specific?”
“I wasn’t in a place to have a real relationship when we were together. I told you that, tried to be clear, but still . . .”
And there was the reality slap. Eli never lied. He hadn’t made any promises or looked for more. The whole history Andy planned for them originated in his head, from his needs.
The sudden clarity that Eli never really cared for more than sex
became the one step too far. Somewhere inside Andy had always known, but hearing the words in Eli’s voice would give them power. Andy couldn’t handle that. He shut it all down as he flipped open some unrelated file on his desk. “Never mind. Ancient history.”
“Is it?”
“No offense, but I’ve had sex since we were together.” Right after Eli bugged out, Andy started having sex with a lot of men. Some he didn’t know. They formed a faceless, nameless line in his head. Not his finest or safest hour, but he’d been lucky enough not to damage his health.
Eli laughed. “I sure as hell hope so.”
“I got over you.” He hadn’t, but Andy felt his mind and body inching closer. Eli had changed. But with time passing and Wade in the picture too many doors closed for Andy to hope for anything more.
“Look.” Eli sat forward in his chair. “What I’m saying is that I’m sorry you had to waste one second getting over me. I was a shit back then and the way I handled what you told me—”
“That I loved you.”
Eli nodded. “I blew it. I wasn’t capable of hearing the words or dealing with them because I knew I was pretty unlovable.”
“But now . . .” Andy sensed Eli had overcome that affliction. Sensed it and felt it reverberate like a sucker punch through every bone in his body.
“Wade is the one, Andy.”
When Eli repeated it the second time, Andy got it. Hated every minute and felt it to his soul, but he got it. “Right.”
“And you are the one who deserved better than me. I truly hope you find him.” The words rang with genuine feeling. From the sadness in Eli’s eyes to his concerned expression it was clear he meant every syllable.
“I will.” Andy didn’t say the whole of the sentence—that he would eventually.
Eli stared for a second before pushing ahead. “I need to see Natalie.”
The change in topics helped ease the rising tension in the room. Andy grabbed on to the lifeline and let it pull him out of the emotional darkness. Work he could handle. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.” Eli broke eye contact but just for a second. “She needed me to check on something and I did.”
The scent of lying hit Andy. He wanted to dig and ferret out what Eli wasn’t saying, but he threw out a softer question instead. “Want me to pass a message on?”
“Sorry, I need a face-to-face.”
Something. Andy’s mind skipped through the possibilities. Could be she was ready to leave. Andy could understand the need to keep moving forward, but that would suck for Gabe, and he had more than enough to deal with right now. “I’ll let my brother know.”
Eli stood up. “Call me with the details of my next visit.”
“I can have someone else get in touch with the arrangements if that’s easier on Wade.” Andy could make that concession because he should. He needed to put behind him the days of looking for reasons to talk to Eli or see him.
“Do that if it’s easier on you. Wade’s a big boy. He’ll handle it.”
“I’m okay with going through you.” And for the first time in months Andy meant it. Maybe he’d finally given up, but he couldn’t fight the regret nagging him about what could have been. The man Eli had become was exactly who Andy always hoped he’d be, but the timing passed without them ever getting a true chance. “We need to focus on Gabe and Natalie now.”
Eli nodded. “Let’s get the job done.”
Andy waited for the steady beating to start and the headache to overwhelm him. This time it didn’t happen. He felt nothing but a twinge of sadness. Maybe this is what closure felt like. He sure as hell hoped so.
TWENTY-FIVE
Eli had said the tests would take about two days. He showed up in three. Natalie had set this all in motion. She took responsibility for that. Still, standing on Gabe’s flagstone back patio and looking at the large envelope in Eli’s hand made it all real.
She’d been so practical when she grabbed the evidence and passed it on to Eli and Wade. She solved problems. She found answers. That’s how she operated. She kept secret those things that needed to be hidden for security reasons and uncovered those items that needed to be discovered because the knowing would bring relief.
But that was work, and this was personal. The idea of hurting Gabe made her waver in her convictions. She’d gone back and forth and debated. Doubted whether she should get involved. Tried to let Gabe come to the decision on his own.
He’d opened his home and made it clear she could use his place as a base while she worked her way through the mound of problems facing her. Now the practical side of her took a backseat to the side she didn’t even know she had. The part she kept buried and ignored. The part that was falling in love with Gabe MacIntosh.
Eli glanced at the file then back at her. “Be sure about this, because once you know, once you pass this on, you can’t undo it.”
The choices played in her mind. She waffled, bouncing from one to the other, knowing the results could emotionally destroy Gabe and sensing whatever ripped him apart would now shatter her, too.
Still, she couldn’t shove the truth away. The common sense side of her insisted Gabe needed to know. That in the end Rick wouldn’t give his brother a choice. She half wished Eli would have failed to handle the test, but that wasn’t his style.
She didn’t reach for it. Didn’t even look at it. “You don’t know what it is.”
“It’s a DNA test, which means it’s about to change someone’s life and I don’t think it’s yours.”
Eli got everything else right but the last part. “It might.”
“Meaning?”
This was not her secret to tell. She’d already broken too many unspoken rules without smashing Gabe’s insistence on privacy to pieces. “Not important.”
Eli shifted until his back leaned against the glass and he blocked her view of Andy and Gabe milling around in the kitchen. “Natalie, look. I know we haven’t always agreed on every operation and every maneuver.”
“Did we ever agree on anything?” She remembered yelling and heated debates. Eli had been a good agent but not always a careful one when it came to his own safety. He’d do anything to get the job done, which meant she’d spent more than a few nights worried the man had a death wish. He’d changed, but those memories lingered.
“You sacrificed a lot—everything—for me to be able to live the life I have now. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to repay that.”
The words struck her as the most honest thing she’d ever heard Eli say. He made the vow not just in what he said but with his eyes and tone. “Is this the same Eli who once told me I talked like I had a desk shoved up my ass?”
“That sounds like something I would say.” Eli nodded. “The answer is yes and no. I’m smarter now. Maybe a bit more tactful. I know what it means to be in a position to lose something. I no longer zip through life expecting to die or assuming I know the right answer.”
Wade. She got the message and what Eli was trying to tell her, but the whole sharing-her-worries thing was not her strong suit. “I’m happy for you. Honestly.”
He leaned in a little closer as his voice dropped lower. “And I’m telling you we’re more alike than you want to think, so if the information in this envelope is going to wreck something you’re trying to build then let me take it back with me and shred it.”
“You know what it’s about.” She didn’t have to ask. She knew every inch of his file. His training and skills. Add to that the new layer of personal understanding and Eli put pieces together faster than ever.
“I have a clue who it’s about. At least the adult part, and the photos all over the house of Gabe with a kid hint at the rest.”
She put a hand on his arm. “You can’t tell anyone about the test or Brandon.”
“I don’t know anything about any of it.”
The anxiety welling in her stomach died back down as she dropped her hand. Eli could keep a secret, his and others. “Thanks.”
&nbs
p; “Gabe’s a good guy. Ending up with him wouldn’t suck for you.”
She figured that was Eli-speak for saying he knew they were sleeping together and approved. For some reason, having her personal life paraded around still stung. “He’s protecting me.”
Eli scoffed. “Give me some credit.”
With the relationship still new and in limbo—with her not even knowing if what she had with Gabe qualified as a relationship—she switched to the other topic that stayed on her mind all the time now. “How did you do it? Adjust to life after?”
“It’s a bumpy ride and it still backs up on me some days, but you pick a new start and then go. Do not look back or second-guess. Don’t answer the phone when the people you used to work for, the same ones who threatened to wipe you off the planet, come sniffing around for a favor.”
Typical Eli. No stray details but he said enough for her to know exactly what he’d been ignoring the last few months. “You make it sound easy to move forward.”
“It’s not. Not even a little.” He tapped the file against the side of his thigh. “But Bast is speeding the process up for you. He’s been his usual ruthless self in negotiating on your behalf so that you can then make informed decisions about what comes next and feel safe doing it.”
“You mean Bast is threatening people who handle covert op teams for a living.” The idea of Bast using muscle didn’t bother her. She had to hope he covered his safety and the safety of those he cared about as he zigzagged through this dangerous turf.
But the CIA types, her former people? She had no more loyalty to the men in suits. They’d reached a fair deal months ago, one that sucked for her but granted closure, and if someone in the CIA was trying to tiptoe around it she hoped Bast slammed him for it.
“I think we’re saying the same thing.” Eli smiled for a second then it was gone again. “The point is it looks like the leverage you’re holding is going to work. People are backing off. He still wants you to be vigilant, but he thinks this transition period where you wonder if you will be allowed to move on is almost over.”
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