“Same thing with Luke!”
“Who’s Luke?”
“Never mind!” I said with a laugh. Alice was amazing. So smart. Everything she said made sense. I thought about Luke. Why was I mad at him? He hadn’t done anything wrong. Luke was there for me that day I needed him. He was a friend, maybe more, but for whatever reason, he was choosing to keep things with us platonic. And I could either be angry about it, or accept him for who he was, and take what he could give.
Even Dan. Why be upset with him? Laura would get over him quickly. That I knew for sure. And yes, maybe he handled things poorly. But Dan helped Laura too. Why not look at Dan as Laura’s rebound guy, the guy who made her feel sexy and young and beautiful, perhaps for the first time in her life?
“Alice, I do have one question. How do you forgive your own father for cheating on your mother?”
“Hmm…that’s a tough one.”
“Well, I do owe it to him to hear his side. Do you know I haven’t even seen him since my mother moved in with me? I’m talking weeks ago.”
“Wow, that’s hard.”
“What a horrible person I am. I mean, he’s my dad, no matter what he did.”
“Text him,” said Alice.
“What, like right now?”
“Sure.”
“Good idea!” I got out my phone and texted my dad. “Would love to get together and talk. How about tomorrow?”
“Wow! I feel better already!” I exclaimed.
Alice just sat there smiling. “I’m glad.”
“So, what’s your story?” I asked her, “Any guys you want to tell me about?”
“No. No guys,” she said with a giggle.
“Okay, that’s cool.”
Now there was a moment of really awkward silence and I couldn’t figure out why.
“No guys,” Alice said again, this time with a slightly devious smile.
“I don’t understand.”
“There are no guys I really want to talk about, know what I mean?”
“I’m confused.”
“Maybe I could talk about some girls, get it?”
I just sat there, still confused, Alice still smiling. Then, it hit me.
“Alice, are you gay?”
She let out a little laugh and nodded. Out of nervousness, I responded with a giggle. Then she began to laugh again, and before I knew it we were both laughing heartily. I became borderline hysterical at one point, partly because of the wine, but mostly because all of a sudden I began to wonder if this woman I was absolutely smitten with was trying to get me into bed.
“I’m not hitting on you, if that’s what you’re thinking,” she said, “I think you’re beautiful and I’d say if you were gay, maybe I’d be interested. I know you’re not, though, so please don’t be uncomfortable. I’m having fun. That’s all.”
I looked into Alice’s blue eyes and didn’t know exactly what was going on, but one thing was for sure. I felt like I was someone else for the night. Here was me, Emma Bloom, having a drink with a beautiful woman who liked girls, and I was fascinated by the whole experience. I looked at Alice’s full red lips and wondered if I could ever see myself kissing them. Surprisingly, the thought didn’t disgust me. In fact, it was semi-appealing.
“I’m having fun too,” I said.
At this moment, I got a text back from my dad. “I’d love to have coffee with you tomorrow. Thank you Em.”
“I love you Stan,” I texted back.
“Love you too,” he texted.
“Thank you, Alice. I mean it. I’m having coffee with my dad tomorrow.”
“That’s great, Emma,” she smiled with those big, beautiful red lips.
I asked Alice a million questions about when, how and why she changed her sexual status. I assumed since she’d had a miscarriage that she had once been a fan of males.
Alice explained that she in fact had been with men all her life until recently. She was married very young and had a child by the time she was twenty-three. Her husband was a much older man who liked younger women. He eventually left Alice and moved on to an even younger woman. She chuckled when she told me her ex-husband was presently engaged to his fourth wife, age twenty-five.
“How old is he now?” I asked.
“Sixty three I think,” she grinned, “He’s still cute, and he’s a good father to our daughter. Charlie isn’t a bad person. He’s just trying to live forever.”
“I love talking to you,” I told her, “You see the good in everything and everyone.”
“The thing is, I was really angry that Charlie dumped me. I was upset about it for a long time. And I really think that’s normal and should be expected.”
“Right…”
Alice then told me something that would perhaps change the way I looked at things forever. “The thing is,” she said, “Some people, like me, get over it eventually, and some people never do. Some people learn to accept things that happen to them and move on. Others decide to stay bitter and never let it go. In my eyes, it’s the most important choice a person can make. But there are those who never see it that way.”
She went on, “I think that the people who cling to the resentment and try to place blame on other people end up being unhappy for the rest of their lives. And the smart ones, the ones who focus on themselves and how to make their lives better and richer, and learn to forgive and forget things they had no control over, are the people who end up living happy, productive lives. They are fulfilled.” She added with a smile, “As I am today.”
I was now officially in love with Alice, last name unknown. Her words were amazing! I felt like she should be a life coach. It was at this moment I realized how much I needed to fix my life. Yes, I was a good mother, and yes, I was starting to come to terms with Sam’s death and forgive myself, but now it was time to concentrate on the future, or more specifically, the professional aspect of my future. I decided right then, I was going to look into the salsa business.
I stood up, leaned over Alice’s stool and gave her a huge hug. “Thank you.”
She simply smiled and said, “No problem.” Then she added, “My advice to you is, stop thinking and start doing. Do things that make you happy. Work out, make salsa, do fun things with your daughter, date whomever you want. And if you just live your life and be happy, something amazing will happen.”
“What?” I asked.
“Look at this,” Alice said, dropping her head slightly down and gently closing her eyes, revealing her eye lids. They were covered with gold sparkling eye shadow.
“What am I looking at?” I asked, “Your eye shadow?” I wasn’t getting the connection.
She lifted her head. “It was a free gift with purchase from Estee Lauder.”
I giggled, “It’s nice.”
“My point is, if you buy into what I’m saying, about letting go of the past and just living for today and being happy, and doing good things for yourself and for others, you get a free gift with purchase. The gift isn’t eye shadow, though. The gift is much better. What you get is a vibe, a really good vibe.”
“I still don’t really understand.”
“By being a good, upbeat, wonderful person, you’re basically sending out a vibe that starts coming through with every move you make. People in your life start to see it, and good vibes come back to you. People you touch get the vibe, and amazing things start happening. If you’re decent and nice and respectful to others, your behavior brings good things to you. It actually shows itself in other ways. Maybe not even with the people who are in your life today, but with exciting, new people and new things.” She exclaimed, “I swear by this theory!”
This was an amazing moment. Not only had Alice just told me about the free gift with purchase, I suddenly felt as if she had just handed it to me. I couldn’t ever remember feeling hope like I did at this very moment.
I was calm now, the anger in me rapidly flowing out of my body, and rays of sunshine making their way into my heart. I felt like I was beginning to feel at peace wit
h everything. Sam’s accident, the miscarriage…Preston…Luke…my parents…my sister… All of these things were out of my control. What I did have a say in was my little girl and my professional life. What was I waiting for?!
I suddenly felt as if someone had just unlocked the chains keeping me captive in my self-loathing prison. Laura and my mother had tried hundreds of times to get this message through to me, but they hadn’t been successful, probably because I wasn’t ready to hear them. Luke had helped get me over the guilt and self-blame for Sam, but he hadn’t caused me to get off my butt and pursue something professionally. It took an absolutely dynamic, vibrant, gorgeous stranger to give me the memo that it was time for me to get a life.
I looked at beautiful Alice, sitting there with her red lips smiling at me and the Estee Lauder free gift with purchase on her beautiful eyes. She was the angel who appeared in my time of serious need. She was, at this moment, the person who had given me treasures beyond belief, all without judgment and criticism.
“What are you thinking?” she asked excitedly.
I didn’t answer Alice with words. I responded by standing up, pulling her toward me, and planting a passionate kiss on her big, beautiful red lips.
.
Chapter 23
Kissing Alice was bizarre, yet shockingly appealing. The first touch of her lips felt so dramatically different than any guy I’d ever kissed, so foreign to anything I’d ever felt. They were soft and delicate, and I felt like a guy and a girl at the same time. I felt sexy and beautiful and desired, but I also felt Alice’s femininity too.
She was a good kisser, even though I had no one to compare her to. I truly was enjoying myself. However, after a few moments I had to pull away because thoughts of being seen making out with another woman in a neighborhood bar began to crowd my head, and I had no interest in acquiring the reputation of being the lesbian mom who tongues it in public with other girls.
“We really shouldn’t be doing this in here,” I said softly.
“Then let’s go,” Alice said with a smile. She put some money down on the bar, told me not to worry about paying, and out we walked.
“I’m parked right over here,” I said, pointing to my car, not really sure where this was going at this point, and suddenly feeling a bit panicky. “I’m not gay!” I wanted to shout.
Alice must have sensed my apprehension because she said, “Would you maybe want to sit in your car and talk for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said, feeling immensely relieved.
I wasn’t grossed out by what I’d just done. I was glad I kissed Alice, actually. But now, I didn’t want to do it anymore. Ever.
Once in my car, I looked at Alice, her pretty face so close to mine and said softly, “Just so you know, I’m really attracted to you. I think you’re stunningly beautiful, and I think you’re an amazing person. But the thing is, I have no interest in taking your clothes off, and I’m a hundred percent sure I’ll never want to do that. It’s just not me. I like men. I love men, actually. Yes, I hate them sometimes, but I love them, too. I love their hard bodies with no curves. I love their not so soft lips. I adore their deep voices and their complete inability to multi-task. I love love love their scruffy unshaven faces, and I love their strong arms around me.”
“I understand,” she said with a smile, “I really do.”
“Do you think we could be friends? Platonic friends?”
“Absolutely,” she answered. Then she leaned over, took my face in her hands and gently kissed my cheek. “You’re lovely.”
I drove Alice to her car, and just before she got out, we programmed each other’s numbers in our phones. “I had a great time,” she said, “Call me, okay?”
“I will,” I said with a huge grin.
Alice opened up the door and got out. Then she leaned back in and said, “And if you feel too weird to call, that’s okay too.”
“Are you crazy?” I said to her, “I had a wonderful night with you. I’d love to see you again.”
“Thanks,” she said with a big grin. Then beautiful, sexy, delightful Alice slammed the door shut, and proceeded to do something I will remember for the rest of my life. She put her lips on the passenger side window of my car and gave it a big huge smooch, emphasizing her bright red lips as much as she could. Watching her mouth pressed hard against the now fogged up window made me laugh. Then she pulled back and waved good-bye.
I waved back and then watched Alice dig through her purse for her keys. I waited until she found them, opened her car door and got in. Then I drove away. And the second I pulled into my driveway, I texted her.
“You’re like no one I’ve ever met before” I texted.
“Thanks, had a great time!” she texted back instantly.
I got home and checked on the three people who now resided with me. All were safe and sound. My mother and Laura were asleep in the guest room bed, and sweet Izzie was still sleeping peacefully in my bed. I sat on the edge of her bed for a long time just watching her breathe quietly, her cute little body snug under the covers. Then I began to talk to God.
I thanked him for giving her to me. And then I thanked him for tonight. I thanked him for sending Alice to me. I had walked out of my house two hours earlier, an angry, bitter woman who could only see the past and the mistakes and the darkness. I had come home an energetic, motivated person, wearing acceptance and grace on my sleeve. I was at peace. And the future seemed bright. It was time to make plans, all kinds of plans.
The next morning, I woke up at the crack of dawn, before anybody else in the house. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins, given that I now felt like I had a million things to do since today was day one of my new and improved life.
I went downstairs and made coffee, and while I waited for it, I happened to notice Laura’s cell phone lying on the kitchen counter. Giggling the entire time, I changed her ring tone to Gloria Gaynor’s seventies hit, I Will Survive.
Next I turned on my computer, and while drinking almost an entire pot of coffee, I surfed the net, researching the salsa industry. If I was going into business, I needed information.
An hour and a half later, I heard Izzie. “Hi, Mommy,” she said, her voice like music to me. I turned around and when I saw her, I literally melted. I reached out to her and hugged her tight.
“Why are you squeezing me so hard?” she asked with a giggle.
“Because I love you,” I said.
It was strange. I was seeing my daughter in a new light. Not that I didn’t feel lucky to have her before, but I now saw Isabelle as a gift that keeps giving, every second of every day. And with the way I was planning to start living my life, with my new business and my new outlook on relationships and people in general, I felt so much more worthy and proud of being her mother. And that didn’t mean I loved her more than I always had, but it made me significantly more appreciative.
Laura was next to make her way downstairs. “Morning,” she said.
“Good morning!” I exclaimed, hugging her tight.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing, Laura!” I said with a laugh, “Nothing!”
“I saw the note. Did you go out last night?”
“Yes! Yes, I did!”
My sister gave me a weird look. Then she gave Isabelle a look and both of them shrugged their shoulders. Laura then went to get herself a cup of coffee, while I whispered to Izzie to go upstairs and call her Aunt’s cell phone.
Sure enough, a minute later, we all heard, “Go on now, go…walk out the door…just turn around now…cause you’re not welcome anymore…”
Laura stood there confused and I said with a grin, “I think that’s your phone.”
She burst out laughing. Then she asked, “What’s gotten into you? Something’s different.”
“Yes, Laura, everything is different. Tell me, are you okay?”
“Yes, thanks,” she said with a sad smile.
When I looked into her eyes, I knew she was going to be just fine.
She appeared very drained and depressed, the effects of the previous night. But I knew with a little time, just like Gloria Gaynor, and every other woman whose man dumped her, Laura would survive.
After Isabelle got on the bus for school, I told my mom (who was now up) and sister all about my night, starting with when I told off Dan.
“I can’t believe you did that for me,” said Laura, “Thank you.”
“Well, it felt pretty good, I have to admit. But it really wasn’t the right thing to do.”
“I’m glad you see that,” said my mother.
I then told my family about the rest of my night. I shared details about my conversation with Luke, and then I told them about the highlight of my night: Alice.
“You kissed her?” Laura asked, “Like on the lips?”
“Yes,” I said with a laugh, “Like on the lips, like for a long time!”
Both Laura and my mother had these weird looks on their faces.
“Look, I’m not a lesbian. It was a one-time thing. I told Alice we’re just going to be friends and she’s fine with that. I really want you two to meet her. She’s an amazing person.”
“Sure,” Laura answered. Not surprisingly, there was much skepticism in her voice, and I knew it was pointless to try to sell Alice to my sister right now. But I also knew that if Laura met beautiful Alice for three minutes, she’d fall in love with her just as I had.
“So, I have an announcement,” I said.
“What?” they asked in unison.
I took a deep breath. “Starting today, I’m officially in the salsa business.”
“That’s great!” exclaimed Laura.
“Yes, it’s wonderful!” my mother added.
“What’s with the sudden surge of ambition?” asked Laura, “I mean, why now?”
I looked my sister in the eyes and said softly, “Alice.”
She stared at me like I was nuts.
“Whatever the reason,” said my mother, “It’s a good thing.”
Neither of them understood how I felt, and how much the previous night had changed me. It didn’t matter, though. The bottom line was, thanks to my free gift with purchase, I was different now.
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