by Laura Tait
There’s no equation to getting over someone: to working out how many heartbeats they’ll take up after you break up. ‘Listen,’ she whines. ‘The theory is that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. You were with Ben three hundred and seventy-two days, and you split up one hundred and eighty-six days ago, and today you realized you’re over him. You just proved it to the very day.’ She slams her diary shut. ‘So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.’
Danielle and I laugh until our stomachs hurt.
‘Oh,’ says Danielle, recovering herself as she pulls a small square wrapped in gold paper from her handbag. ‘I got you a little housewarming present.’
‘I’ve got you a housewarming present too,’ Jemma adds quickly. ‘I just haven’t collected it yet. Or paid for it. Or decided what it’s going to be.’
Danielle hands over the gift, checking her manicure as she does in a deliberate show of nonchalance, though I can tell she’s nervous. Our friendship still isn’t what it used to be, but we’ll get there.
I unwrap it to find a small jewellery box. Inside it is a silver heart-shaped keyring.
‘Oh, Danielle, it’s lovely. But you didn’t need to do that.’ I’m matching her nervousness. ‘You know, I’d have settled for a shrunken crisp bag.’
‘We’re too mature and sophisticated for accessories made out of rubbish now,’ she says dismissively as she sips her wine. ‘Besides, did you realize crisp bags have foil linings these days? I blew up my microwave.’
Then we’re all cracking up again.
And I think to myself: I hope Jamie can see us.
Acknowledgements
Thanks as ever to our awesome agent Lizzy Kremer, whose guidance we’d be lost without. There are so many people behind the scenes at David Higham who we owe a huge thanks to – their tireless work on our books is genuinely appreciated.
We also owe an awful lot to our editor Harriet Bourton, who saved this book with a hand-drawn squiggly story chart. Thanks also to Francesca Best, Alice Murphy-Pyle, Rebecca Hunter, September Withers, Tash Barsby and everyone at Transworld for their work and support – we couldn’t wish for a better team of people to publish our books. And a special shout out to Becky Glibbery for designing our lovely cover and Telegramme for the illustration.
Laura . . .
You can’t choose your family, but if you could, I’d choose mine: Mummy, Daddy, Susanna, David, Robyn, Heidi and Archie – they’re the best.
You can choose your mates, and I’ve made some bloody good choices: this book (well, my half of it) is inspired by the humour and general excellence of the people I’m lucky enough to call my closest friends.
Shout-outs to Lizzie Goode for her valuable insight into architecture and construction (and for being co-founder – and only other member of – scary film club); to Gemma and Graham Woods for providing the kitchen where I did all my editing (and Susanna for keeping my wine topped up throughout); and to everyone at Shortlist Media for being supportive and lovely.
Jimmy . . .
Thank you to the best person I know, Sunita Jaswal. I couldn’t have got through a mad summer of edits without her patience and encouragement. Thanks also to my former cat Mildred, who is an unforgivable Judas but, credit where it’s due, did provide a funny story that made it into these pages. Cheers also to Dr Paul Eldridge for answering my questions, and to Carl Anders and Benjamin Raine for their superhero knowhow. And thanks as always to all my family and any friends whose wit I’ve noted down and used as my own.
About the Authors
Laura and Jimmy became mates while studying journalism at Sheffield University, so sitting in pubs talking about life and love is something they’ve been doing for the last ten years. Now they’re writing books together they just take their laptops and write it all down, but little else has changed. Jimmy still tells Laura off for always being late, and Laura can still drink Jimmy under the table.
Their friendship survives because Laura makes tea exactly how Jimmy likes it (he once took a picture of his perfect brew on Laura’s phone so she can colour match it for strength) and because Jimmy noted Laura’s weakness for custard creams and stocks up accordingly.
Follow them on Twitter at @LauraAndJimmy, Instagram @LauraandJimmyBook and at facebook.com/laurataitandjimmyrice.
Also by Laura Tait and Jimmy Rice
THE BEST THING THAT NEVER HAPPENED TO ME
Our two brilliant authors have interviewed each other about writing as a double act, what they’d do in their characters’ shoes, and what they really think of rom coms . . .
Warning: contains spoilers!
Jimmy interviews Laura . . .
Jimmy: How would the book differ if you’d written it on your own?
Laura: It would be cleverer and funnier. Joke! I think it would follow the same journey and reach the same outcome, though my Ben chapters would be less convincing. If I was writing the story entirely in Rebecca’s voice I would try to do more to warm Ben up from her perspective, as that’s the only side of the story readers would see. But because you do such a good job of making Ben likeable, and his actions understandable, my character can get away with focusing on her own emotions and reactions without the responsibility of having to accurately portray Ben to the reader.
Jimmy: What would you have done in Rebecca’s situation?
Laura: Cut Ben’s willy off and stabbed Danielle in the eye with one of her stilettos. That’s a lie. I would probably be very similar to Rebecca, to be honest. I wanted her reaction to be as authentic as possible, so I asked myself what I would do and tried to translate that to the page, and I think I’d know, deep down, that Ben and Danielle hadn’t really done that much wrong, but I would still struggle to carry on as normal. I’m a very forgiving person but I forget nothing – ultimately, I think Rebecca is the same.
Jimmy: Ben, Jamie, Russ – snog, marry, throw off a cliff at Beachy Head. Go . . .
Laura: Marry Jamie, snog Ben and throw Russ off a cliff at Beachy Head. I feel bad – Russ seems like a nice dude, but Jamie is a no-brainer (handsome, kind, wise, has constant access to a lot of booze) and I just suspect Ben would be a better kisser than Russ.
Jimmy: What’s your favourite bit of my chapters and why?
Laura: Probably the second Beachy Head trip – where Ben meets Brian. I just really enjoyed reading it – the writing is lovely, and made the whole scene really easy to visualize, and I got such a good sense of how Ben was feeling at this point. I also love all the conversations between Ben and Jamie, whether they’re talking about the rules at the flat or making cocktails at the bar. I love a good bromance, and I think you got their chemistry spot on.
Jimmy: Be honest: did you bring Jemma from The Best Thing That Never Happened to Me back because you were too lazy to think of a new character and will you ever make a solo book out of Jemma?
Laura: My reasons for bringing back Jemma were threefold. 1) Readers seemed to really like her, and I felt like she still had more to give. 2) I liked the idea of Rebecca forming an unlikely friendship with someone who is her total opposite as a result of her fallout with Ben and Danielle. Rebecca is reserved and has problems expressing her emotions, so Jemma’s openness and lack of filter makes her the perfect extreme. And 3) Yeah, I was too lazy to think of a new character.
There were no plans to make a solo book out of her, but now that I’ve pushed her boyfriend off a cliff, there’s potential for drama there . . .
Jimmy: After The Best Thing . . . you revealed that Holly’s habit of singing songs from musicals while she runs was autobiographical. Is there anything that Rebecca does that falls into the same category?
Laura: I do recoil at overt public displays of affection, and recently I’ve started to really appreciate good whisky. Oh, and I did once stop for fried chicken when drunk and when the man asked me how many pieces I wanted, I told him to see how many he could get in the bucket.
Jimmy: Both Rebecca and Holly in The Best Thing . . . change an
d become better versions of themselves because of love. Do you believe in the transformative power of love that is often portrayed in rom coms?
Laura: You could also say they become the worst versions of themselves because of love. I don’t believe love has transformational powers – and the danger of anyone thinking it has is that they spend years sitting around waiting for The One, believing that’s when their life will truly begin, when actually they should be trying to transform things for themselves if they’re not happy. But I do believe love can bring a unique, warm, beautiful quality to a person, and ultimately enrich their life. You just have a better chance of knowing good love from bad love if you’re happy with yourself. Do I sound like a w***er?
Jimmy: Yes.
Laura: Shall I change that answer?
Jimmy: No.
Laura interviews Jimmy . . .
Laura: Who’s more like you – Alex from The Best Thing That Never Happened to Me or Ben from The Night That Changed Everything?
Jimmy: Do you know what my mum said to me after reading The Best Thing . . . ? That she wished Alex was her son. That’s why I made Ben directionless and terrible with money. And actually, Mum, I think I am a bit like Alex: I’m OCD, I’m quite focused and I listen to Radiohead. But if I’m being honest, if you were to extract and find a way to analyse my mind, you’d find lots of Russ and Kev secretly lurking in there too. I suspect most blokes are the same.
Laura: If you were Ben, is there anything you would have done differently?
Jimmy: This question is going to get me in trouble with my girlfriend, who is firmly on Rebecca’s side and actually questioned me, with her sternest eyes, about whether I thought his actions were acceptable. What I’d say is that it’s easy with hindsight to say he shouldn’t have done what he did with Danielle, but Rebecca gave him absolutely no signals that night, and then Danielle – who is very attractive, let’s not forget – basically jumps on him. The secret Russ and Kev in any man is probably going to prevail. The thing Ben should have done is be straight up about the timing from the moment Rebecca found out.
Laura: What advice would you give someone trying to get over a break-up?
Jimmy: Listen to Jamie. He told Ben to stay off Facebook, spend time doing things he loved, and to not write passively emotional statuses that say one thing but actually mean another. Also, I love Damien Rice, but the point of that rule is that music accentuates how you already feel. If you’re happy it can make you elated, if you’re miserable . . . Well, Damien Rice might just have sent Ben over the edge at Beachy Head.
Laura: You took a trip to Beachy Head while we were writing the book – how did that impact the way you wrote that scene?
Jimmy: I was up there on my own, looking over the cliffs and thinking, ‘There really should be a yellow line like they have at train platforms’. And that’s when I met a real-life Brian, though his name was changed in the book. He came over to check I wasn’t suicidal! When Brian says to Ben, ‘I was pretty sure you weren’t a jumper’ – that’s what the real-life Brian said to me. Because I wasn’t on my phone saying goodbye and I looked pretty scared at the cliff edge.
Laura: I’ve played pool, and Connect 4, and Just Dance with you, and I know you’re pretty competitive – how much does writing a two-hander book bring out that side of you?
Jimmy: You have no idea how much I treat this as a competition. The other day I went through the book comparing each of my chapters with each of your corresponding ones to see which was best, and then tallied them up.
Laura: Who won?
Jimmy: Annoyingly, you just edged it with your pretty-damn-awesome final chapters.
Laura: How do you describe our books to other blokes who ask what kind of books you write?
Jimmy: I used to really struggle with this. Because I didn’t read women’s fiction or watch rom coms, I was slightly embarrassed talking to lads about it. Then I watched When Harry Met Sally and I realized: rom coms can be pretty cool. Now at home it’s me who suggests watching them. I’ve also realized that women’s fiction, when it’s really done well, is just Nick Hornby for women. I love Nick Hornby, so that’s often how I describe it.
Laura: Both Ben and Alex in The Best Thing . . . were desperate to ‘make a difference’ or ‘make their mark’. Are you secretly having an existential crisis?
Jimmy: I worry about time a lot. That’s where Jamie’s line about ‘You only get three billion heartbeats’ comes from. Sometimes I get a bit mad in the car if the lights are green and no one is moving. I’m thinking: you’ve just wasted six of my heartbeats because you weren’t paying attention. Actually, I’m thinking the same thing while I’m waiting for you to reply to my emails! For me, the book is about that line. You’ve got to make as many of your heartbeats count for something as possible.
Have you read Jimmy and Laura’s fresh, funny and romantic first novel?
Everyone remembers their first love.
Holly certainly remembers Alex. But she decided ten years ago that love wasn’t about mix tapes and seizing the moment – though she’s not exactly sure it’s about secret dates with your boss, either.
But what if the feelings never really went away?
Alex wants to make every moment of his new job count. It’s a fresh start in a big city, and he’s almost certain that moving to London has nothing to do with Holly. Almost.
How do you know if it was meant to be . . . or never meant to happen at all?
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TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS
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Transworld is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com
First published in Great Britain in 2016 by Corgi
an imprint of Transworld Publishers
Copyright © Laura Tait and Jimmy Rice 2016
Cover illustration by Telegramme. Cover design by Becky Glibbery/ TW
Laura Tait and Jimmy Rice have asserted their right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the authors of this work.
This book is a work of fiction and, except in the case of historical fact, any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Every effort has been made to obtain the necessary permissions with reference to copyright material, both illustrative and quoted. We apologize for any omissions in this respect and will be pleased to make the appropriate acknowledgements in any future edition.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Version 1.0 Epub ISBN 9781473508514
ISBN 9780552170826
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