by Susan Lewis
It was just after one in the morning when the telephone rang. The answerphone picked up the call, but not before the ringing had woken Luke. The two of them lay there listening through the open door to Annalise’s slurred voice telling Luke that she knew he was there, that she had waited all night for him to call.
‘If you don’t ring me back in the next five minutes,’ she ended, ‘then I’m warning you I’ll swallow every one of these pills … See how you can live with yourself then, you bastard.’
The line went dead and Corrie turned to Luke. ‘Aren’t you going to call her?’ she asked when he didn’t move.
‘No.’
‘But you heard what she said.’
‘I did. And it’s the third time she’s threatened it this month.’
His voice sounded harsh, angry even, but Corrie could sense his anguish and didn’t know which of them she felt the most sorry for. It must be terrible to be subjected to that kind of blackmail, but wasn’t it even worse to be so desperately in love with someone that you could even consider killing yourself over it.
‘What if she isn’t crying wolf?’ Corrie asked.
‘She is, believe me. And I have no intention of letting her rule my life with her hysterical threats.’
‘But Luke …’
‘Sssh,’ he said, putting his arms around her. ‘She’ll probably have passed out by now, and if it’ll make you feel any better then I promise to go round and see her in the morning. Now go back to sleep,’ and snuggling her deeper into his arms he wrapped his legs around her. ‘Mmm, you feel so good,’ he murmured squeezing her, and Corrie could hardly believe it when only minutes later he was snoring softly in her ear.
It wasn’t until past three o’clock, when he had rolled away from her and Corrie was convinced he was fast asleep that she gingerly got up from the bed, picked up her teddy and crept into the sitting room.
Once she was dressed she scribbled a note, thanking him for a lovely evening, and saying she would see him on Monday. She didn’t know whether she hoped he would call her over the weekend, because she didn’t know how she felt. Except to say that the disloyalty she had shown Annalise was already weighing heavily on her conscience.
Whether or not he did call was in the end irrelevant, since, for the first time since she’d left, she summoned the courage to go home to Amberside. But before she set out on Saturday morning she called Annalise. The phone rang for a long time until finally a disgruntled voice came onto the line. It was clear that Annalise was struggling with a near comatose hangover, but Corrie didn’t regret calling, she had needed to reassure herself that Annalise hadn’t done anything stupid. She could go off to Amberside with an easy mind now, at least as far as her fears for Annalise went she could. As to her feelings for Luke … Not even now, in the cold light of day could she say what she truly felt, which was why she was on her way to see Paula.
‘I’m speechless,’ Paula cried, as she took in Corrie’s new look. ‘Absolutely speechless.’
‘Oh good,’ Corrie laughed, ‘that’s the kind of compliment I can handle.’
‘Isn’t she a picture?’ Uncle Ted, who had picked her up from the station, was grinning with pride.
‘You look bloody fantastic,’ Dave declared, as he embraced Corrie. ‘What’s happened? You fallen in love, or something?’
‘Or something,’ Corrie answered with a mischievous twinkle.
‘Dinner at our place tonight then,’ Uncle Ted said, getting back into his car. ‘Hattie’s looking forward to seeing you. Incidentally, how’s Annalise? You two hitting it off, are you?’
‘Oh, uh, yes,’ Corrie assured him, unable to meet his eyes. ‘Yes. Just great.’
‘Good. Now, we’re expecting you around seven thirty. Don’t for heaven’s sake be late, Hattie’s been preparing for this all day.’
‘You mean she abandoned the shop?’ Corrie gasped, with mock horror.
‘I was in charge today,’ Paula answered. She turned to Ted, ‘so tell Hattie from me that it’d better be a banquet she’s rustling up over there. I’ve been rushed off my feet.’
‘No?’ Corrie cried.
Laughing, Paula shook her head. ‘Same steady old flow. Now come on in, we’ve got your old room all ready for you.’
‘But that’s Beth’s room now,’ Corrie protested, trying to ignore the clenching of nerves in her stomach as she followed Paula into the cottage. It still smelt of Edwina and as Corrie looked around she felt a sudden rush of tears.
‘I guessed it might take you a bit like this,’ Paula said, hugging her. ‘But it’s all right to cry, you know. After all, she hasn’t been dead that long.’
‘In some ways it feels like a lifetime,’ Corrie sniffed. ‘So much seems to have happened in such a short time.’ She suddenly grinned through her tears and Paula looked at her curiously. ‘Boy have I got a lot to tell you,’ Corrie said.
It wasn’t until they had returned from Hattie and Ted’s and Dave had decided to go off down the pub for a last beer, that she and Paula were finally alone together.
‘Oh my God!’ Paula cried, when Corrie made her confession. ‘Tell me every detail. No, no. Wait! I think I’m going to faint. Luke Fitzpatrick! I can hardly believe it. What was it like?’
‘Well, it was … OK.’
‘OK? OK! You go to bed with a man as gorgeous as Luke Fitzpatrick … I was expecting fireworks at the very least.’
‘To tell you the truth so was I. But … Well, let’s just say it wasn’t exactly what I …’
‘No, don’t let’s just say anything. Let’s have the whole story! From the beginning.’
Paula was listening with such rapt attention as Corrie told her about her night with Luke that it was all Corrie could do not to laugh. Clearly Paula was even more overwhelmed by it than she was. Though Paula did frown a little when Corrie told her about the telephone call from Annalise.
‘He probably did the right thing,’ Paula said. ‘I mean, what else could he do? You were there, and it wouldn’t have been very nice if he’d just got up and left you to go to see another woman, would it?’
‘I wouldn’t have minded.’
‘Liar.’
‘Seriously, I wouldn’t have. Remember, I got up and left myself in the end. Anyway, what do you reckon to all that dirty talk?’
Paula’s eyes rolled back in ecstacy. ‘Sounds like heaven,’ she drooled. ‘Mind you, I have to admit I’d have been a bit shocked myself, what with it being the first time. I mean, usually that kind of thing only happens when you know someone quite well. Still, if you move in those circles I guess anything goes. It must have blown your mind.’
‘Well, yes, I suppose it did in a way, but I still didn’t … Paula, tell me honestly, you don’t think there’s something wrong with me, do you?’
‘What on earth are you talking about?’
‘Well, I mean, you read so much about sex and all that’s supposed to happen, you know the earth moving and all that, and I end up going to bed with someone like him and … Well, as I said, it was OK, but … I think I must be doing something wrong.’
‘Why?’
‘Well I don’t seem to be able to, you know.’
‘Come?’
‘Yeah. You don’t think all these women who write about these mind-blowing orgasms are just making it up do you?’
Paula shook her head.
‘I thought you might say that,’ Corrie said dismally. ‘So tell me where I’m going wrong.’
‘You’re not. It just takes time. It was ages before Dave could make me come, I had to show him how to do it.’
‘What!’ Corrie said aghast. ‘Are you seriously suggesting I tell Luke Fitzpatrick how to make me come?’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’d die of embarrassment, that’s why not.’
‘No you wouldn’t. Once you get to know him better he’ll probably guess that you’re faking it anyway, then he’ll ask what it is that turns you on. You did fake it, didn’t you.’
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‘It was an Oscar winner,’ Corrie lied, not wanting to admit that there hadn’t appeared to be any need for it. ‘Anyway, we might as well leave this conversation right here, because there won’t be a next time.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding! Why not?’
‘Annalise.’
‘Oh yes. Well, you know what they say about all’s fair …’
‘But I’m not going to war for it. So let’s change the subject because I’ve got some even more amazing news.’
‘More amazing than hitting the sack with Luke Fitzpatrick! I can’t even begin to imagine.’
‘Then hold on,’ Corrie beamed, ‘’cos you really aren’t going to believe this. I’m not even sure I do myself. But I am going to be a producer.’
‘What?’
Corrie nodded. ‘You know the woman’s angle thing I was telling you about, well they’ve bought it. They’re going to do it, and Luke more or less said that he is going to let me produce it.’
‘You’re right, I don’t believe it!’ Paula said incredulously. ‘I thought you were angling to research it.’
‘I was. But they’ve read my notes and well, they reckon I’ve got a great future ahead of me. They consider me an asset they can’t afford to lose, and, might I add, who can blame them?’
Her exaggerated immodesty was making Paula laugh. ‘So when do you start?’
‘I’m not sure yet. I guess they’ll let me know on Monday. But it’s amazing isn’t it, from dogsbody to producer in one clean jump.’
‘You’re dead right it’s amazing. Those notes must have been quite something to have earned you a promotion like that.’
Corrie’s eyes narrowed as she looked sceptically at Paula. Was Paula thinking along the same lines as her, or was that just an innocent remark? Whichever, it was with her again, that unpalatable feeling of having prostituted herself.
‘Well, if you have,’ Paula said once Corrie had confided in her, ‘it’s too late now to do anything about it. You’ll just have to hope he never tells anyone. Anyway, I’m sure you’ve got it wrong. Some men get off on treating women like whores, could be that he’s one. But I wonder what he meant about making you more than a producer?’
‘I don’t know,’ Corrie answered. ‘And right now I’m not sure that I want to.’
The humid night air blew a gentle breeze in through the open window of Annalise’s basement flat where Annalise was lying sleepily in Luke’s arms. He was spreading her hair over her shoulders, stroking it, then lifting it to his mouth and kissing it, while whispering the words of his favourite poem. His voice was imbued with the soft Irish lilt he affected especially for her and as she listened she felt herself dreamily drifting into sleep.
They hadn’t made love that night, and they wouldn’t. Tonight he just wanted to hold her, to feel her close and to love her. Annalise cherished these moments more than any others she spent with him. Sometimes she thought she wouldn’t mind if they never made love at all, for she never felt as close to him then as she did when they were like this. His gentleness gave her the feeling that she was the most precious thing in the world to him, just as he was to her. And when he was holding her so lovingly she forgot the times that he beat her, forgave him for the rage that frightened her, all that mattered was that he loved her.
He hugged her closer, then rolled onto her lifting himself on his elbows. It was a prelude to nothing more than a look. Annalise smiled up into his eyes, wanting him to read in her own how very deeply her love ran. He smiled too and kissed her gently on the lips.
‘Why are you here?’ he murmured. ‘I don’t understand. How can you still be here?’
She lifted her hands to his face and circled his mouth with her forefinger. ‘I’m here because I love you,’ she whispered.
His head came down, burying his face in her neck. ‘I love you too. Oh God, I love you.’
She ran her fingers through his hair, her own eyes filling with tears as she felt his on her shoulder.
‘Why are you doing this to me?’ he said. ‘Why don’t you just leave me?’
‘You know I’ll never do that,’ she answered, tightening her arms around him and feeling as though her heart might break. ‘Please say you don’t want me to.’
‘I can’t live without you,’ he murmured. ‘You know that.’
He drew himself up and looked at her again. When she saw the pain in his eyes she tried to pull him back, but he wouldn’t let her. She knew he was looking at the cut on her lip and wished there was some way she could hide it.
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered. ‘I didn’t mean …’
‘Sssh, I know you didn’t. It was an accident. Now let me hold you, let me make it go away.’
‘I wish you could,’ he said, lying over her again. ‘Oh, Annalise, I wish you could.’
Annalise cradled him in her arms, soothing him, kissing him and caressing him. It was all she could do, for whatever it was he was holding deep inside she knew he was never going to tell her. She’d tried so many times in the past to draw it from him, but she’d learned now that she only hurt herself by pressing him. It hurt him too, for his anger at her prying rarely failed to manifest itself in violence. And whenever he hurt her, he seemed to hurt himself more. But whereas Annalise’s injuries were physical, his scored across his mind in way that seemed somehow indelible. And the deeper his scars ran the worse it became.
It always happened after he had disappeared for a weekend. Where he went Annalise had no idea, though she could be in no doubt that it was to another woman, for on more than one occasion he had called her by the woman’s name. To tell him he had done so provoked his anger to such a degree that he would lash out, as he had done earlier. Invariably Annalise backed down, assuring him she had made a mistake, but she knew she hadn’t. His denials were so vehement that all she could do was keep the pain of her confusion hidden, for fear that he would strike her again.
He started to move from the bed and Annalise reached out a hand to stop him. Taking it, he lifted it to his mouth and kissed it.
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he smiled down at her. ‘I just need to sit alone for a while.’
Annalise let him go and lay staring out at the new moon through the trees. She longed to know what the hold was that this woman had over him, but since he insisted that she didn’t exist there seemed no way of finding out. And in truth, it was screwing him up so badly that Annalise was half-afraid to know.
She tried to reassure herself with the comfort of knowing that every time he left the woman he came straight to her, but tonight, just like all the other times, Annalise had sensed that he didn’t really want to be there. She wondered why he came when he felt that way, but whatever his reasons she would never tell him to go. She wanted him to know that she was there for him, that no matter what, she loved him more than anyone else ever would. She didn’t care that her obsession with him, her terror of losing him, was already affecting her so badly that others were beginning to notice. She loved him and would never stop trying to get through to him. She truly believed she was strong enough to give him the support he needed, even though those who loved her, her family, her friends, not only seriously doubted it, but were already showing grave concern for what it was doing to her.
After a while she went to look for him and found him sitting in the darkened kitchen, resting his head on his arms. She watched him, feeling a knot of unbearable emotion tightening in her throat. She thought that he was probably crying and was afraid that if he caught her standing there the violence would erupt again. But as she started to turn away he said, ‘No, don’t go.’
He lifted his head to look at her and Annalise looked nervously down at her hands.
‘Hold me,’ he said softly.
Going to him Annalise sat on his lap and rested his head on her shoulder.
‘Don’t ever leave me,’ he whispered.
‘No,’ she said. ‘I’ll never leave you.’
When Corrie went in to work on Monday m
orning it was to discover that Luke had given her idea to Annalise to produce. He informed her of this decision during a meeting at which Annalise was present.
Despite the cut on her lip, which Annalise had playfully told everyone Luke had given her, she looked radiant, almost too radiant, Corrie thought, and wasn’t too sure whether it was jealousy she was feeling that it had probably been a weekend spent with Luke that had done it.
But whatever she was feeling, Corrie was dumbfounded by the way he was behaving; it was as though Friday night and his half-promises had never happened.
She waited until the meeting was over then steeled herself to speak to him. She knew she had no right to, that he would probably be furious that she, a mere dogsbody, was daring to criticize him, but she felt used and cheated and was going to speak up for herself no matter what the consequences.
As it turned out Luke wasn’t angry at all, if anything he seemed surprised – and hurt.
‘My God, I had no idea I’d made you feel like that,’ he said when she had finished. ‘What can I say? I guess I just came on too strong for a first date. I should have realized that it would have been too heavy for you … But that you should have felt like that … Shit, Corrie, I can’t apologize enough. And as for having misled you into thinking I would make you a producer straight away … Oh God, what a mess I made of things. But thank God you felt able to tell me. And what the hell have you been thinking of me all weekend? No, perhaps you’d better not answer that, I’m not sure I want to know. Would it help if I told you that I have every intention of making you a producer – one of these days?’
Corrie shrugged, already beginning to feel slightly ridiculous.
‘But you must understand why it isn’t possible right now?’ Luke went on. ‘I’m afraid, just like the rest of us you have to earn your stripes. And you don’t earn them in my bed.’ He smiled. ‘That’s not how I run this operation. And you, young lady, shouldn’t have such a low sense of self-esteem. You don’t need to be sleeping with the boss to get on. You can, and will, do it anyway, believe me.’ He sighed and shook his head. ‘I was hoping you’d be pleased when I told you that we’re going to make you Annalise’s researcher, but in light of your astronomic hopes of clinching a producership I imagine it seems pretty second rate now.’