One friend of ours, a service-oriented submissive, told us: “When I’m serving, I know what I need to do, it’s uncomplicated. I love service because it’s not about me – it’s about the other person. I seek to make service into an act of love. It turns off all my self-focus and lets me exist in a separate space. When I’m serving at my very best, I’m invisible – an extension of the will of my master.”
CATHARSIS: Tears of grief, tears of joy. Sometimes what you want out of a scene is a purging, to go into overload and let it all out. Maybe there is something happening that you need to cry about, or maybe you just need to clear your feelings out in general. We have deliberately negotiated to play scenes to vent anger or other difficult emotions. Sometimes catharsis is found by bringing out a forbidden part of ourselves, like for instance the crybaby that we were teased for being in childhood. We all value these scenes for the emotional release they bring, and our partners usually value sharing in the process. Next time it might be our partner’s turn – catharsis works from the top as well as from the bottom. It helps to let prospective partners know that if you burst into tears, or become enraged, it’s what you want, and that whatever they are doing, it’s obviously working.
For example, Dossie recalls an intensely emotional flogging scene at a party that was fueled by the fact that a close friend of both Dossie and her top had died that week of AIDS. She had been an important member of our community, indeed the founder of the Society of Janus, and virtually everybody at the party knew her and was moved by her death.
As David flogged me, I felt myself go into intense sadness, almost crying, and then felt overtaken by equally intense rage, that seemed to have nowhere to go until I reared up, turned to my top in the presence of a lot of people, and screamed: “You stupid fuck can’t you hit any harder than that?” This would be a seriously rude maneuver in most scenes, but we were in the flow and David understood perfectly. Grinning wolfishly, he swung his arm back and gave it all he had. I let my rage pour out, and fell again into sadness, then reared up again screaming in rage, with David flying right along with me. Round and around we went until the rage was satisfied and I fell down crying – he fell right on top of me, and we both cried until we were satisfied. And both agreed that there was something magically right about this scene, that in struggling against each other we had done just what we needed to do for funeral games.
SPIRITUAL STATES: Many players report that the feelings they have in playing a great scene can only be described as spiritual. Some people may feel they leave their body, others feel an intense psychic connection, or perhaps an awakening of kundalini, the snake that represents the spiritual energy that can be felt in the spine. Sometimes we may envision ourselves shape-shifted into a totem animal, and writhe like a panther under the whip. Another time we may become a god. Or maybe our top becomes goddess.
If this is where you go when the play goes well, it’s a good idea to discuss it with your top beforehand, especially if you tend to leave your body during play. Some tops love it, and feel like they fly right along with you – others may feel abandoned, and want to stay connected in some more tangible way.
GETTING BIGGER, GETTING SMALLER: Some bottoms see themselves as warriors, conquering an ordeal, an initiation, triumphing over the obstacles presented by their top. They want to find their strength in an ordeal, and they want their tops to be strong enough to challenge them. Others, or maybe the same people at different times, want to get small. They want to become invisible, helpless, overwhelmed, they want to dissolve. They love to enter into struggle and lose, to be conquered, to give it up to a powerful and inexorable top.
Whether you like to get bigger or smaller, you need to cooperate with your top. Your top may have her own limits about playing with unconquerable or invisible bottoms, and she needs a chance to figure out what’s coming and express her own needs. The following story will illustrate the importance of negotiating the direction of the scene beforehand.
A friend of ours was topping an interrogation scene in which she set out to conquer the bottom and get him all soft and squishy, as she imagined was her task. The bottom in this case, however, in his own fantasy saw himself as nobly suffering and refusing to give in no matter how hard it was: in short, wanted to conquer an ordeal. It soon became obvious that they were working at cross purposes in the scene, and the bottom eventually, and appropriately, safeworded out.
The fact that we can even relate this story to you illustrates an important point – these two people didn’t just end the scene, they talked about it later and figured out what went wrong. Willingness to get together and unscramble what happened when a scene went wrong is another mark of a great player.
SUBMISSIVE STATES: In the submissive mode – you may recognize a lot of this from your fantasies – the desired state of mind is one of will-lessness, receptiveness, passivity, even selflessness. In giving over as much of your own choices as feasible to a trusted top, you can allow yourself the luxury of turning your brain off. Everything becomes really simple: will my dominant like this or not? Nothing else to worry about.
There are two distinct modes of submissive consciousness (well, probably lots more but these are the two we want to tell you about). In one, the bottom is a sort of tabula rasa, a blank slate who waits for input. The bottom in this state is totally receptive, obedient, with no worries about whether or not he is doing something right because he will be told exactly what is required. Some of us like to be corrected, reined in, contained – it tells us someone is paying attention. Or receptivity might involve being acted upon while having no actions whatsoever to perform yourself, as in a bondage scene: this allows an intense focus, free of distraction, on whatever sensational or emotional exchange you and your top have chosen. The selflessness here involves giving yourself over to another so completely that you effectively leave your self behind.
A second state is the submissive who likes to please, who takes the initiative to have that cup of tea ready before the master is even aware he wants one. The rewards of the pleaser include being recognized: thanked, stroked, petted, appreciated, rewarded for competence and graciousness. The selflessness comes from putting yourself into the service of someone else’s goals and having none of your own. The selflessness of the submissive can become like a meditative state, very quiet, tuned in, serene.
Do keep this distinction in mind when you negotiate for a submissive scene. One friend of ours tells us she was once playing with two doms, one of whom loved service, the other, the blank slate. Our friend eventually figured this out – she tells us it was a challenge to remember what she was supposed to do in each circumstance.
FIGHTING BACK: The resistance scene is a tremendously collaborative scene, because if you fight hard enough you can probably discourage any reasonably ethical top from continuing. So if your fantasy is all about struggling, resisting, needing to be conquered or forced to have a good time, you need to work that out with your top in advance, and maybe set up a safeword for the top so she can tell you if you’re fighting harder than she can stay on top of. A lot of us really love the thrill of being forced against our will, so we collaborate to fight over some hot scenes – Janet once bottomed in a scene where her hands were tied with about eighteen inches of slack rope between them, so she could fight back like she meant it and still be pleasantly certain of losing.
We have met other players who like to fight it out to see who will top and who will bottom in a ritual of dominance with no predetermined winner. All you need to know then is what are the accepted forms of struggle and what is below the belt (or maybe outside the belt, since below the belt is exactly where you may want to get…)
FORBIDDEN Thrills: Some people don’t want things all clean and nice. Their notion of a good bottom space is feeling dirty, nasty, naughty, beyond the pale – breaking the rules. They want to preserve the sense of doing what you’re not supposed to and enjoy the guilty thrill: guilt and shame are, after all, more sexy emotions to be explored. So
me enter into the forbidden with the script of finding a passion there that is cleansing, and that washes away shame. For others, it’s more fun to just get dirty.
PUNISHMENT: Some bottoms find a keen delight in being treated as the naughty child, or adult, and punished for real or imagined crimes. The state of mind is one of expiation, and perhaps another form of catharsis: a person of authority, our top, has seen our sins, found us sexy, and purged our errors in pain that can transform into ecstasy. It’s a very good idea to get clear, before playing with anything that looks like punishment, to decide whether this is “play punishment” for erotic fun, or genuine punishment designed to modify behavior (we discuss both of these activities in more detail in Chapter 10). One of your authors is very turned on by playing with punishment, while it’s a serious limit for the other one… so it’s clear that even experienced bottoms may have limits in this area, and that going slowly here is advisable.
ARCHETYPES: We will discuss archetypes in more detail later, but for now take a look at who you are in your fantasies: warrior, baby, pleasure slave, captive, kid, cheerful, tearful – all these are archetypal characters, the roles we play in S/M. The better you understand what role you are playing, the easier it is to arrange for everyone to play along with you. All you need to keep things clear is to figure out who you are when you are in scene space.
Confusion can arise when a bottom falls into a role in the middle of a scene and doesn’t really have a clear idea of what that role is. In the middle of an intense pain scene which included being drawn on with the tip of a sharp knife, Janet once startled and annoyed her top by asking, “I like elephants – will you draw me an elephant, please?” It was only later that the two of them realized that the intensity of the painplay had brought out a kid persona, who just happened to love animals of all kinds and especially elephants.
SENSATION. Oooh, let’s not forget sensation, lots and lots of it. S/M features an enormous range of sensation, from the gently sensual to the acutely intense, with an abundance of possibilities in between. Many of us describe ourselves as stimulus junkies – we don’t see that as a pathological addiction, but rather as an extraordinary capacity to experience and enjoy a huge range of sensation. Play can transform sensations: small sensations become huge when we eroticize them, a blindfold can turn a feather touch into an ecstasy of suspense. Sensational!
So many fabulous rewards to choose from! As you continue your journey as a bottom, you may find new ones, or discover that a form of play you didn’t think appealed to you has suddenly come to seem very desirable indeed. Stay open to new possibilities and you may be in for some wonderful surprises.
8
GETTING READY
GROOMING YOURSELF, PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. Any scene actually begins before you are even in the presence of your top. Before you play, you will usually spend some time showering, bathing, dressing, preparing a space if you are playing in your home, and (of course!) fantasizing: your authors once did a scene that got started almost an hour late because Janet was so busy fantasizing that she drove right past the freeway off-ramp to Dossie’s house. This is the time when you prepare to present yourself as a valuable gift to the lucky person who has a date with you.
Now is the time to do some relaxation, remember your deep breathing, maybe put music and candles in the bathroom while you relax in a long soak. Now is the time to get grounded, centered, to get in touch with your own power. You can think about what you want to communicate, use your fantasies as rehearsal for the encounter to come. Investing some time and energy in preparation will also begin to excite you, so you can greet your partner in the attractive flush that comes from thinking filthy thoughts. Don’t forget these preparations even when you’re getting ready for a session with your life partner – Dossie, as a therapist, is constantly reminding couples who live together to take the time to prepare for their encounters as they did when they were dating… a great way to revive the spirit of honeymoon lust.
As you gain experience in preparing yourself for play, you will probably begin to discover certain thoughts and activities that are particularly helpful in preparing you, physically and mentally, for the adventures to come. You might like to moisturize your skin extra-carefully to make it supple and resilient, or to do a series of yoga stretches to prepare yourself for challenging bondage. We know one male bottom who conditions his beard before play so it will be soft and pleasing to his mistress’s feet. Extra attention applied to cleaning sensitive parts of your body will bring rewards of turn-on as well as hygiene.
And what gets your mind ready for play? Is there a particular piece of music you like to listen to that helps get you into a lovely bottomy state? Is there a fantasy you like to review in your head to help get your juices running? A piece of literature you might like to read? A mantra you can repeat, out loud or in your mind? Or would you like to simply kneel for a while in a quiet spot, breathing calmly and centering yourself? Whatever works for you to get yourself revved up, turned on and ready to play, now’s a good time to do it.
This is also the time for you to pump up your pride in yourself and the gift you give your top. You needn’t be rich, or have expensive clothes, or be young and thin to be terrifically attractive. Good grooming, a little creative drag from the thrift store, a proud posture and a happy expression send out the right message and make you gorgeous – we promise!
ON YOUR MARK… GET SET… GO! So here you are in the dungeon, the playroom, the bedroom or wherever. Your top may start the scene by touching you, hugging you, blindfolding you, tying you up, collaring you, throwing you to the floor and tearing your clothes off… the possibilities are infinite, and you’ll learn more about as many of them as we can imagine in the next chapter.
The initiative belongs to the top – so what is your responsibility? Your responsibility is to respond: to get turned on and to make sure your top knows you’re turned on.
One of the myths we encounter is that you have to be turned on before you start playing. If we believed that, we wouldn’t get to play very much. Remember in the last chapter when we told you to spend part of your negotiation time telling your top what turns you on, and finding out what turns him on? Well, here’s where both of you get to use that information.
We’ve found it’s often easier to get turned on with physical sensation than to try to launch right into emotional or role-played mental stimulation. Many people like to begin a scene with having their top place a collar around their neck, with appropriate ritual and, perhaps, a few prearranged words from one or both of you about what the collaring means to you. Sexual players might enjoy having necks kissed or sucked, ears nibbled, nipples pinched. A light flogging works to get a lot of people turned on; so does getting tied up. With practice, you may be able to learn to breathe yourself into an altered state.
Atmosphere is important. too. It’s tough to get turned on if the room is cold or if there’s a bright light shining in your eyes (unless you’re planning an interrogation scene). Make sure that distractions have been minimized – the phone ringer is off, the pets are locked out, any visual clutter has been cleared away. If you have a favorite piece of music, especially if it’s one that you’ve come to associate with play, now is a good time to put it on – Janet can get turned on just listening to the Velvet Underground’s “Venus In Furs”.
A lot of people run into obstacles when they try to get into role – they may feel self-conscious in the beginning, before they start to feel turned on. We suggest that you act as though you were turned on, because you’ll probably find that you convince yourself. So whimper and moan, breathe heavily, play your role (one of our friends loves to use the phrase “This is so scary!”). At first, while you’re searching for your turn-on, this may feel awkward and phony. But then a miracle can happen: if you start by playacting an appropriate response, perhaps even dramatizing your responses a bit, you will probably start to get a little turned on, and so will your top. The more excited you both get, the more real t
he scene will seem, and the more naturally you will respond… and before you know it you’re both part of a full-blown reality.
Remember – now is not the time to judge yourself. There are no critics in this audience; when you and your top are both turned on, you’re a superstar!
9
ENDING THE SCENE - AND AFTERWARDS
CLOSURE. Alas, even the hottest scene must eventually come to an end. The best answer to the question “When do you end the scene?” is “When either partner wants to.”
If you’re really enjoying yourself as a bottom, you may get to what Dossie calls “The Forever Place,” where you feel that you want to keep on doing this forever and ever and ever. A good top gives you some warning when the scene is drawing to a close, so you can start gradually withdrawing from The Forever Place and getting ready to come back into the real world. An excellent way to bring a flagellation, for example, to an end is for the top to announce “Pick a number from one to ten (or fifty, or a hundred).” Then you know you’re going to get that many strokes of the greatest intensity you can possibly take, so get ready for the big climax!
The scene isn’t over when the action stops, either. It can take quite a while for both partners to decompress and be ready to deal with reality. Don’t try too soon after a scene to do tasks that take concentration and focus, or to do detailed post-scene negotiations – whether you know it or not, you’re probably still a little spacey and a little bit in role.
The New Bottoming Book Page 8