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by PV

  ��‘ll be the insane Savior of the world, and you’ll kill me.’

  `Whatever you want will be done.’

  I eased out a slow motion bubbling of mirth.

  ��‘ll be…’

  He was chuckling too, in slow motion. ��‘ll be … the Savior … of the world … and do nothing, and you .. .‘ll kill …

  me.’

  ��nd I . .’ Goddam it, it was funny! How beautiful it was `… I’ll kill you.’

  The room was a beautiful blur bouncing up and down on the bubbles of our laughter. Tears were in my eyes and I took of my glasses and put my face in my folded arms and laughed, my big body rumbling from cheeks to belly to knees, laughing, tears wetting my jacket, the soft cotton material caressing my wet face like bear’s bristle, and crying with an ecstasy that I hadn’t known before that moment, and looking up because I couldn’t believe I was crying and Eric’s face blurred, blurred bright but blurred and I looked for my glasses - such terror that I might never see again - and after groping for forty days I found them and put them on and looked at the blurred brightness and it was Eric’s holy face flowing tears like mine and he wasn’t laughing.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  [Being an edited tape from one of the early analytic sessions given by Dr. Jacob Ecstein to Dr. Lucius Rhinehart, neurotic. We are cutting into the tape about half way through the analytic hour. The first voice is that of Dr. Rhinehart.]

  - I’m not sure why I entered into this affair but I think it may partially be aggression against the husband.

  How have your relations with Lillian been? - Fine. Or rather, about as usual, which means up and down but essentially happy. I don’t think it was or is aggression against Lil. At least I don’t think it is.

  But against the husband.

  Yes. I won’t use names or go into details because you know the people involved, but I find the husband too ambitious and conceited. I experience him as a rival.

  You don’t need to hide the names. You know it would make no difference outside this office how I treated them.

  Well, maybe. I suppose you’re right, but I don’t think the names should be necessary if I can present everything else honestly. - The details.

  Yes. Although I suppose you will know then immediately the people I’m talking about. But still, I’ll omit the names.

  How did the affair start? - I followed … a whim one night and went to her place, found her alone, and raped her.

  Raped her?

  Well, there was a good deal of cooperation. Actually, she enjoyed it more than I did. But the original idea was mine.

  Mmm.

  We’ve been seeing each other off and on now for about half a year.

  Mmmm.

  I go to her place when her husband’s away, or occasionally we meet in a room I rent in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.

  Ahhh.

  Sexually it’s been rewarding. The woman seems totally without inhibitions. I’ve tried just about everything my imagination can cook up and she seems to have more recipes than me.

  I see.

  The husband doesn’t seem to suspect a thing.

  He doesn’t suspect a thing.

  No. He seems completely wrapped up in his work. His wife says he pulls off a quick one about once every two weeks but with about as much passion or pleasure as when making an extended bowel movement.

  Mmmm.

  I once finished an orgasm in her while she was handing a towel in to her husband in the bathtub.

  You what?

  I was pumping away from behind while she leaned into the bathroom and talked to her husband and handed him a towel.

  Look here, Rhinehart, do you know what you’re saying?

  I thought I did.

  How could you … How could you possibly…

  What’s the matter?

  How could you possibly miss the significance of this affair? I don’t know. It seems just…

  Free associate.

  What?

  I’ll feed you words and you free associate.

  Oh, okay.

  Black.

  White.

  Moon.

  Sun.

  Father.

  Mother.

  Water. Ah… bathtub.

  Road.

  Roadway.

  Green.

  Yellow.

  Fucking from rear.

  - Ar … ah … ah … artificial.

  Artificial?

  Artificial.

  How so? -How should I know? I’m just free associating.

  Let’s go on. Father.

  Figure.

  Lake.

  Tahoe.

  Thirst.

  Water.

  Love.

  Women.

  Mother.

  Women.

  Father.

  Women.

  White.

  Women.

  Black.

  Negresses.

  Well. That’s enough. It was just as I expected.

  What do you mean?

  That was your father in the bathtub.

  It was?

  Obviously. Item number one: you associate father figure. You may consciously explain this as a result of the psychoanalytic phrase and it does refer to this, but the association also implies you associate ��figure’ - naturally a female figure - with father.

  Wow.

  Item number two. You associat��fucking from rear’ with artificial and you can blurt it out only after a significant delay. I challenge you to tell me what first flashed through your mind.

  Well …

  Go ahead.

  To be frank with you, I thought that the fucking was artificial, unnecessary, irrelevant. I was aiming to hurt someone …

  someone bigger.

  Precisely. Item number three: from the rear is obviously the position of sodomy, or male making love to male.

  But

  Item number four: you associate lake with Tahoe. Tahoe, even if your conscious mind denies it, means in Cheroke��Big Father Chief.’ Lake obviously means water and you associated water with bathtub. Ergo: Big Father Chief was in the bathtub.

  Wow.

  Finally, although these are but trivial confirmations of what now is obvious to you, you associate with `thirst’, `water.’

  You thirst not for women but for water, for bathtub, for your father. At the end, the free association seems to break down as you associate both your mother and father with women, but in fact it is further confirmation of the whole significance of your extramarital affair and of this free association your incestuous, homosexual love for your father.

  That’s incredible. That’s absolutely … wham … [Long pause] . . But what… what does it all mean?

  How so? I’ve told you.

  I mean … what should I do about it?

  ‘Ah so. Details. Your urge for this woman will probably evaporate now that you know the truth. My father died when I was two.

  Precisely. I need say no more.

  He was six foot and blond. The husband is five feet eight and dark.

  Displacement.

  My father never took baths, only showers, or so my mother tells me.

  Irrelevant.

  When a woman is handing a towel in to her husband and chatting with him, it’s inconvenient to penetrate her from the front.

  Nonsense.

  I didn’t know Tahoe meant Big Father Chief.

  Repression.

  I think I’m still going to enjoy making love to this woman.

  I challenge you to examine your fantasies when you do.

  I usually fantasize I’m doing it with my wife. ,

  The hour’s up.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Days pass, Reader. So do weeks. Since I have a poor memory and kept no journal during these now-to-be-recorded days, the precise sequence of events is no clearer in my mind than it is in these pages. The dice didn’t order me to write my autobiography until almost three years after my disc
overy, and the historic value of everything I did was not apparent to me at the time.

  On the other hand, my selective defective memory presumably is hitting only the high points. Perhaps it is giving to my random life a pattern which total recall would blur. Let us assume, then, that what I forget is on a priori grounds insignificant, and what I remember is, in the same way, of great moment. It may not seem that way to either of us, but it makes a convenient theory of autobiography. Also, if the transitions from chapter to chapter or scene to scene seem particularly illogical, attribute it to either my arbitrary memory or the random fall of a die: it makes the trip more psychedelic.

  In the evolution of the totally random man the next event worth noting is that on January 2, 1969 at 1 A.M. I determined to begin the new year (I’m a slow starter) by letting the dice determine my long-term fate.

  I wrote with un-firm hand and dazed eyes the first option, for snake-eyes or double sixes: I would leave my wife and children and begin a separate life. I trembled (which is hard for a man with so much meat on him) and felt proud.

  Sooner or later the dice would roll a two or a twelve and the cast great test of the dice’s ability to destroy the self would occur. If I left Lil there would be no turning back; it would be dice unto death.

  But then I felt fatigued. The dice man seemed boring, unattractive, other. It seemed like too much work. Why not relax and enjoy everyday life, play around in minor ways with the dice as I had at the beginning, and forgo this senseless, theatrical challenge of killing the self? I had discovered an interesting tonic, more varied than alcohol, less dangerous that LSD, more challenging than stocks or sex. Why not accept it as tonic rather than try to make it a magic potion? I had but one life to lead, why sacrifice it to becoming locked in the cage of a rolling cube? For the first time in the six months since becoming the dice man, the thought of totally giving up -the dice appealed tome.

  I wrote as the option for a 6, 7 or 8 that I return to a normal diceless life for six months. I felt pleased.

  But immediately thereafter, my friends, I felt frightened, depressed. The realization that I might be without the dice produced precisely the same heavy depression, which the thought of being without Lil had produced. Erasing the 7 as a possibility for the option of giving up the dice, I felt a little better. I tore up the entire page and dropped it in the waste basket: I would abandon the whole conception of long-range dice decisions. I heaved myself up out of my chair and walked slowly off to the bathroom where I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I stared at myself in the mirror.

  Clark Kent stared back at me, cleancut and mediocre. Re moving my glasses helped, primarily because it blurred the image sufficiently so that my imagination was given leeway.

  The blurred face was at first eyeless and mouthless; a faceless nobody. By concentrating I conjured up two gray slits and a toothless mouth; a death’s head. With my glasses back on it was just me again. Luke Rhinehart, M.D., the Clark Kent of New York psychoanalysis. But where was Superman? Indeed, that was what this water-closet identity crisis was all about. Where indeed was Superman an if I went back to bed? Back at my desk I rewrote the first two options; leaving Lil and giving up the dice. I then gave one chance in five to the option that I decide at the beginning of each of the next seven months (until the birthday of D-day in mid-August) what each particular month was to be devoted to. I gave the same probability to the option that I try to write a novel for seven months. Slightly better odds went to the option that I spend three months touring Europe and the rest of the time traveling at the whim of the die. My last option was to turn my sex research with Dr. Felloni over to the imagination of the dice.

  The first bi-annual fate-dealing day had arrived - a momentous occasion. I blessed the dice in the name of Nietzsche, Freud, Jake Ecstein and Norman Vincent Peale and shook them in the bowl of my hands, rattling them hard against my palms. I gurgled with anticipation: the next half-year of my life, perhaps even more, trembled in my hands. The dice tumbled across the desk; there was a six and there was a … three. Nine - survival, anticlimax, in-conclusion, even disappointment; the dice had ordered me to decide anew each month what my special fate was to be.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  National Habit-Breaking Month must have been dictated by the die in a fit of pique over my easy enjoyment of my dicelife; the month provided a hundred little blasts toward the breaking up of Lucius Rhinehart, M.D. Habit breaking had won out over (1) dedicated psychiatrist month, (2) begin-writing-a-novel month, (3) vacationin-Italy month, (4) be-kind-to everybody month, and (5) help-Arturo-X month. The command was, to be precise, �� will attempt at every moment of every day of this month to alter my habitual behavior patterns.’

  First of all it meant that when I rolled over to cuddle Lil at dawn I had to roll back again and stare at the wall. After staring a few minutes and then beginning to doze off, I realized that I never rose at dawn, so with effort and resentment, I got out of bed. Both feet were in my slippers and I was plodding toward the bathroom before I realized habit had me in his fist. I kicked off my slippers and plodded, then jogged into the living room. I still, however, felt like urinating. Triumphantly, I did so in a vase of artificial gladioli. (Three days later Dr. Felloni remarked on how well they seemed to be doing.) A few minutes later I woke up in the same standing position, conscious that I still had a silly proud smile on my face. Careful examination of my conscience revealed that I did not make a habit of falling asleep on my feet after urinating is the living room so I let myself doze off again.

  `What are you doing?’ a voice said through my sleep.

  `Huh?’

  `Luke, what are you doing?’

  ��h.’

  I saw Lil standing nude with her arms folded across her chest looking at me.

  ��‘m thinking.’

  `What about?’

  `Dinosaurs.’

  `Come back to bed.’

  ��ll right.’

  I started to follow her back to bed but remembered that following nude women into beds was habitual. When Lil had plopped in and pulled the blankets over her I crawled under the bed.

  ‘Luke???’

  I didn’t answer.

  The squeak of springs and the wandering low-cloud ceiling above me implied that Lil was leaning over first on one and then on the other side of the bed. The spread was lifted and her upside-down face peered into my sideways face.

  We looked at each other for thirty seconds. Without a word her face disappeared and the bed above me became still.

  �� want you,’ I said. �� want to make love to you.’

  (The prosaicness of the prose was compensated for by the poetry of my position.) When the silence continued I felt an admiration for Lil. Any normal, mediocre woman would have (a) sworn, (b) looked under the bed again, or (c) shouted at me. Only a woman of high intelligence and deep sensitivity would have remained silent.

  ��‘d love to have your prick inside me,’ her voice suddenly said.

  I was frightened: a contest of wills. I must not reply habitually. ��

  want your left knee,’ I said.

  Silence.

  �� want to come between your toes,’ I went on.

  �� want to feel your Adam’s apple bob up and down,’ she said.

  Silence.

  I began humming `The Battle Hymn of the Republic.’

  I lifted the springs above me with all my might. She rolled off to one side. I changed my position to try to push her off. She rolled back into the middle. My arms were exhausted. Although whatever I did from under the bed was, a priori, a non-habitual act, my back was aching. I got out from under, stood up and stretched.

  �� don’t like your games, Luke,’ Lil said quietly.

  `The Pittsburgh Pirates have won three games in a row but remain mired in third place.’

  `Please come to bed and be yourself.’

  `Which one?’

  ��ny one except this morning’s version.’


  Habit pulled me toward the bed, the dice pulled back.

  �� have to think about dinosaurs,’ I said and, realizing I’d said it in my normal voice, I repeated it shouting. When I saw that I had used my habitual shout I started to emit a third version, but-realized that three of anything approached habit and so half-shouted, half-mumbled, `Breakfast with dinosaurs in bed,’ and went into the kitchen.

  Halfway there I tried to vary my walk and ended up crawling the last fifteen feet.

  `What are you doing, Daddy?’

  Larry stood sleepy-eyed but fascinated in the entrance to the kitchen. I didn’t want to upset him. I had to watch my words carefully.

  ��‘m looking for mice.’

  ��h boy, can I look?’

  `No, they’re dangerous.’

  `Mice?’

  `These mice are man-eaters.’

  ��h Daddy .. : [Scornfully].’

  ��‘m teasing [An habitual phrase; I shook my head].’

  ‘Go back to be - [Another!]’

  `Look under your mother’s bed, I think they may have gone under there.’

  Not a great many seconds later Larry came back from our bedroom accompanied by a bathrobed Lil. I was on my knees at the stove about to heat a pot of water.

  `Don’t you involve the children in your games.’

  Since I never lose my temper at Lil I lost it.

  `Shut your mouth! You’ll scare them all away.’

  `Don’t you say shut up to me!’

  ��ne more word out of you and I’ll ram a dinosaur down your throat.’ I stood up and strode toward her, fists clenched.

  They both looked terrified. I was impressed.

  `Go back to bed, Larry,’ Lil said, shielding him and backing away.

  `Get down on your knees and pray for mercy, Lawrence, NOW!’ Larry ran for his bedroom, crying.

  ‘Fie upon you!’

  ‘Don’t you dare hit me.’

  `My God, you’re insane,’ Lil said.

  I hit her, rather restrainedly; on the left shoulder.

  She hit me, rather unrestrainedly, in the left eye.

  I sat down on the kitchen floor.

  `For breakfast is what?’

  I asked, at least reversing the syntax.

  ��re you through?’