by Hugh Cook
Stork critiques frog with a skewer.
You wait.
Phenomenological stone.’
‘Marvellous stuff,’ said Qa. ‘Marvellous stuff, though I say it myself.’
‘Such is your right,’ said Alfric generously. ‘After all, you created the stuff, so you’re in the best position to appreciate its intrinsic genius.’
‘So I am, so I am,’ said Qa. ‘But what about yourself? Do you really think you can appreciate it properly? Do you even know what it means?’
A note of suspicion had entered the dragon’s voice, warning Alfric that he had better be careful.
‘What it means?’ said Alfric, striving to keep his teeth from chattering with the cold. ‘Not exactly. But it speaks to me in a — a special way. When I hear those words, I feel as if I’m looking at the world through glass.’
All this and more said Alfric Danbrog. None of it was exactly spontaneous. In preparing himself for this mission, he had invaded a salon of poetasters in Galsh Ebrek, had studied the phrases by which the dilettanti flatter each other, and had invented some of his own just in case.
‘You know,’ said Qa, ‘you’re the first of my visitors who’s known about my poetry. I usually ask them about it. Before I eat them, I mean. But the results have been most disappointing. Till now.’
‘It is unfortunate,’ said Alfric carefully, ‘that poetry must struggle hard to preserve itself in the absence of the poet. For poetry can only come to full life through the genius of the voice of the original creator. I would be most privileged if I could hear you recite some of your verse.’
‘My pleasure,’ said Qa.
And, without further ado, the dragon began to recite:
‘Slush, said the sea.
Slush, slush.
Slush blashimmer.
Plash!
Then the sun pursued biology
And the world was dark.’
Alfric listened in respectful silence. Was there more to come? Apparently not. He wanted to scratch his backside, where wet cloth was crumpled against his skin. He was also experiencing the anal urgency of incipient diarrhoea. But he controlled his sphincter out of respect for the poet.
‘That was good,’ said Alfric. ‘That was very good.’ ‘Ah,’ said Qa.
‘But do you know what it means? Or do you find all my poetry ultimate ly incomprehensible?’
‘I–I’d hazard a guess that it says something about entropy. The heat death of the universe.’
The dragon’s eyelids flickered.
Had Alfric said the right thing or ‘I see that for once I have the kind of audience I deserve,’ said Qa.
‘True,’ said Alfric. ‘I’m a great fan of yours. Since that’s so, it’s always hurt me to think that much of your genius is going to die with your flesh. You’re going to die sooner or later. If you don’t mind me saying so, it’s probably going to be sooner rather than later. And, well, there’s no collected edition of your works extant. Most of what survives exists in autograph form only, and may soon perish unless properly published.’
‘Publication,’ said Qa, ‘costs money.’
‘I am well aware of this,’ said Alfric. ‘So that’s where my proposition comes into it. Subject: to your compliance with certain terms, the Bank is prepared to pay for publication. A hundred scribes will work for a year to replicate your works so that your name will live in honour for ever. Life is short, but art is long. If art is properly collected and published in the first place.’
There was a pause, while the sea dragon Qa brooded about mortality, and about what a properly organized edition of the collected poems could do to perpetuate the memory of Galsh Ebrek’s greatest poet.
‘You’re tempting me,’ said Qa. ‘Aren’t you?’
Alfric mastered his now frankly chattering teeth and answered:
‘Yes. The Bank wants me to succeed in this quest. So, if you hand over the ironsword Edda, the Bank will organize the publication of the poems.’
‘I suppose,’ said Qa, ‘they’d also want me to let you kill me.’
‘Well, yes,’ admitted Alfric. ‘That does come into it. I mean, technically I only have to recover the sword. But it’d look much better if I killed you into the bargain. From the point of heroic legend, I mean. If I’m going to be king, I’ll have need of such a legend to support my rule.’
The dragon sighed, outbreathing warmth. Alfric wished it would sigh again, for he was sure he would shortly die of the cold. But it did not. Instead it said:
‘The deal you offer me is no deal at all. While I’m proud to be an honorary Yudonic Knight, I know the limitations of the breed. They never accepted my genius in life, so they’re not likely to in death. There’s no point in publication, for the volumes would be torn apart to be used for lighting fires, or for — for purposes worse.’
‘But,’ said Alfric, ‘distribution of your works will not be limited to Galsh Ebrek. Rather, the whole world will learn of your genius.’
‘The world?’
‘The Bank has authorized me to tell you about the Circle of the Partnership Banks,’ said AlMc. ‘Of this we do not usually speak. But let it be known that the Flesh Traders’ Financial Association is linked to the rest of the civilized world by a series of Doors arranged in a Circle.’
‘That’s all Janjuladoola to me,’ said Qa, using an expression in the Toxteth used to convey incomprehension.
So Alfric explained about the Circle of the Doors, a Circle controlled by a star-globe held by the Safrak Bank of the Safrak Islands, a place which was linked to the Monastic Treasury of Inner Adeer, itself in turn communicating with the Bank in Galsh Ebrek.
‘By going through our own Door,’ said Alfric, ‘we can reach the Bondsman’s Guild in Obooloo.’
Then he explained the rest of the Circle, and how the Doors opened up the entire world to the Bank. Qa listened, fascinated.
‘You see,’ said Alfric, in conclusion, ‘your works will not be confined to Galsh Ebrek. Instead, your fame will spread throughout the world.’
‘It’s a thoughtful offer,’ said the dragon. ‘But I refuse.’ ‘Why?’ said Alfric.
‘Because I have a philosophical objection to suicide.’
‘There is another way,’ said Alfric.
‘What’s that?’ said Qa.
‘You don’t really have to die. You could just disappear.’
‘What? You mean, leave my barrow and swim off into the sea? Oh no, I couldn’t do that. This is my home. It may not be much, but it’s all I’ve got. I couldn’t bear to leave it.’
And, at the very thought of leaving his much-loved domicile, Qa began to cry. Alfric was sorely embarrassed. The dragon was as wet as an ork!
‘Look,’ said Alfric, ‘you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not asking you to — to just swim off into nowhere. Remember all the different Banks I told you about. Richest of all the Partnership Banks is the Singing Dove Pensions Trust of Tang. You remember what I told you about Tang?’
‘Tell it to me again,’ said Qa.
So Alfric told, enlarging on the wealth of the place, and the high regard in which poets were held by the populace.
‘It sounds marvellous,’ said Qa dreamily. ‘I wish I could go to a place like that.’
‘But you can, you can,’ said Alfric earnestly. ‘The Bank’s arranged it all for you. We can smuggle you into Galsh Ebrek on a seaweed cart then let you through the Door. This time tomorrow, you can be in Tang.’
‘Where I’d probably be killed as a marauder,’ said Qa.
‘No, no,’ said Alfric, sounding shocked. ‘Not at all. Your fame has gone there in advance. Here, I have an official invitation from the Emperor of Tang himself. You’re invited there to be court poet. They admire poetry of your kind. Phenomenological stones. They broke into open applause when they heard about it.’ Perhaps Alfric overstated the case somewhat. Nevertheless, the substance of what he was telling the dragon was true. The invitation was genuine. The Flesh Traders’ Financial Associ
ation very much wanted Alfric to succeed in his quest and make himself Wormlord, so an immense amount of trouble had been put into cooking up a deal which would appeal to the sea dragon Qa.
‘There remains,’ said Qa, ‘the problem of translation. I don’t imagine they speak Toxteth in Tang.’
‘No,’ said Alfric, ‘they don’t. Scarcely anyone does, once you get outside Wen Endex. They speak Toxteth in Port Domax, of course, but I don’t think it’s heard in many other places.’
‘So all my poetry would have to be translated.’
‘Well… yes.’
‘So my true genius could never be properly appreciated. It can’t be, you know. Not in translation.’
‘But you’d have a most admiring audience,’ said Alfric, trying to be encouraging. ‘Anyway, you could always learn the stuff they speak in Tang.’
‘No,’ said Qa. ‘I can’t. I’m too old to learn another language.’
‘But,’ said Alfric, ‘sea dragons are famous for their intellectual agility. I’m sure you’d soon adapt. Come on. You can do it!’
‘No,’ said Qa, despondently. ‘I’m too old, and I know it.’
Then the dragon began to cry once more, and a most melancholy sight it made. Alfric lost patience. He got to his feet.
‘What’s this?’ said Qa. ‘You want to get down to the fighting and killing?’
‘No,’ said Alfric, stamping his feet. ‘I want to get warm. I’m soaked to the skin and in danger of dying of hypothermia.’
‘Well then,’ said Qa, ‘warm yourself up quickly, for we really must get to the fighting bit.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say that’s exactly essential,’ said Alfric.
‘I’m afraid it is,’ said Qa. ‘Honour and all that. It’s all I’ve got left, you see. My honour as a Yudonic Knight and a loyal servant of the Wormlord. What do you want to use as a weapon? You’ve got your own sword, of course, but there are a few other weapons lying about. They usually want to use the ironsword, but it’s rusted, as you see.’
‘I can’t, actually,’ said Alfric. ‘I mean, I don’t know where it is.’
The dragon pointed it out.
Strangely, the hilt of the ironsword Edda was undamaged; it appeared to be made of a metal more durable than the rest. But the blade had suffered bitterly from the seasalt, which had reduced the weapon’s striking strength to a wavery slither of black-buckling metal.
‘So they usually go against you with their own swords,’ said Alfric.
‘Usually, yes.’
‘And you kill them. Usually.’
‘No,’ said Qa. ‘Not usually. Always. It’s very simple. I breathe fire into the water, you see.’ The dragon dabbled its claws in one of the puddles, demonstrating the prodigious quantities of water which were conveniently to hand. ‘That fills the air with steam,’ said Qa. ‘So they can’t see. Even if it’s daytime. There’s cracks in the rocks above, you see. If it’s daytime there’s light in the cave. Anyway, the steam blinds them. Usually they flail around a bit with their swords. Then I attack.’
‘How?’ said Alfric.
‘Well,’ said Qa, ‘in my younger days, I used to bite off heads. Of course I broke the occasional fang on an iron collar or such. Then the rest of my teeth fell out with the onset of age. So these days I usually stand back and throw things.’
‘Throw things?’ said Alfric.
‘Well, rocks,’ said the dragon.
So saying, Qa secured a skull-sized rock with his talons.
‘See that helmet?’ he said.
‘Yes,’ said Alfric.
The helmet sat atop a dismal pile of shattered bucklers and mangled armour. Qa threw the stone with great speed and accuracy. The helmet was smashed back against the wall of the cave.
‘That’s… that’s remarkably good throwing,’ said Alfric.
‘Also a demonstration of intelligence,’ said Qa. ‘That’s what makes a sea dragon dangerous.’
‘Dangerous indeed!’ said Alfric. ‘Quite frankly, I don’t think I’ve got a chance of besting you in combat.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ said Qa, ‘because I rather like you. You’re much more polite than the average Knight. I mean, they usually rabbit on no end about me eating that child and all the rest. Well, maybe it was a breach of etiquette, but I don’t see that it was a sin. After all, something has to keep down the human population, doesn’t it? Humans have no natural predators to keep their numbers in check, so if it wasn’t for the occasional maneating dragon and such, you’d have a thousand million people or more living in Yestron alone.’
Alfric knew this was quite impossible, but nevertheless shuddered at such a nightmarish thought. A thousand million people! A ludicrous notion. But imagine…
‘What about sea dragons?’ said Alfric. ‘Is there anything that eats sea dragons?’
‘Oh, all kinds of things,’ said Qa. ‘Sharks, for example. Though sometimes we eat back. I’ve killed a good many sharks in my time, I’ll have you know. Used to make a sport of it. Then there’s sea serpents. Oh, and krakens of course. You know. The usual run of sea monsters.’
‘That sounds very interesting,’ said Alfric. ‘What say you tell me about it while we have a little meal? If I’m going to die, I’d like to die on a full belly, and to listen to some more of your poetry before I expire, if you don’t mind.’
‘Why, that sounds a capital idea,’ said the dragon. Then, mournfully: ‘But I’m afraid I don’t really have anything to offer you. It’s not much of a life here, you see. Seaweed, that’s what it mostly comes down to. Eating seaweed.’
‘Actually,’ said Alfric, ‘I’m partial to seaweed.’
‘Of course you are,’ said Qa, ‘you being a child of Wen Endex and all. But you like it cooked, don’t you? Humans can’t eat much of the stuff raw, oh no, I know that from past experience. I used to try keeping the occasional captive, when I had two of them. I sometimes did, you know. They didn’t always come alone, even though that’s the law. So I’d try to preserve some of the meat on the hoof. But they always complained most bitterly about the diet.’
‘As it happens,’ said Alfric, ‘I’ve some food in my pack. Pork, actually. I have heard it said that sea dragons are partial to pork. You’re most welcome to share it with me.’
‘Why, that’s very gracious of you,’ said Qa.
So Alfric opened up his pack and the pair began to banquet upon pork, with Alfric taking care to select the very best bits for the dragon. While they ate, they discussed Galsh Ebrek. Qa had heard of the untunchilamons, and was most interested in the progress of that breed of miniatures.
‘Maybe I could get one,’ said Qa. ‘As a pet. I’ve never had a pet, you know. It’s a pity I have to kill you, otherwise you could fetch me one.’
‘Doubtless you’ll get all you deserve in time,’ said Alfric. ‘Would you care for some more pork?’
‘Please.’
‘You’ve got quite an appetite,’ said Alfric.
‘Yes,’ said Qa. ‘Since this is winter, I have to eat extramuch. Otherwise I’d have to hibernate. Most sea dragons do, you know. All through winter. Of course, extramuch mostly means great quantities of seaweed. Fortunately, I’m able to vary the diet from time to time.’ ‘How?’ said Alfric.
‘With Yudonic Knights, of course,’ said Qa. ‘And their horses. Would you like some fresh horsemeat to go with your pork?’
‘I’d like that very much, if it were available,’ said Alfric. ‘For I’m rather partial to horsemeat. But unfortunately there’s no horse available.’
‘There is, you know,’ said Qa.
Then the dragon went to the back of the cave, dipped its talons into a generous crack in the rock, and hauled out something which smelt very much like fresh meat. It proved to be the haunch of a horse. A horse very recently dead, if Alfric was any judge — and he thought himself a good one.
‘You see,’ said Qa, ‘I did swim to the forest. I did find your horse.’
There was a pause.
Really!
This was most difficult!
‘I–I’m sorry I lied to you about the horse,’ said Alfric. ‘But the rest is true. About the poetry, the invitation to Tang. All true.’
‘I wish I could believe you,’ said the dragon. ‘But I can’t. You’re a liar, you see. Never mind, we won’t let that stand in the way of our friendship. Which will last at least until the meal ends. Perhaps you’re in the mood to listen to some more of my poetry. Are you?’
‘Most definitely,’ said Alfric.
So Qa began to recite. On and on went the recitation, the dragon at length abandoning food in favour of unrestricted concentration on poetry.
But it was too late.
For the dragon had already eaten more than it should have done.
And, soon enough, its eyes began to lull, its words became slurred, and it was struggling to keep its balance. Suddenly it fell over to one side. And then was abruptly sick.
‘Oh,’ said Qa, mournfully. ‘I haven’t been sick like that for years. Not since they fed me opium. At a banquet, it was. Done for a joke. There was opium, wasn’t there? In the pork. The bits you fed me.’
‘Yes,’ admitted Alfric.
‘You did well,’ said the dragon. ‘But not quite well enough. I’ve still the strength to kill you, you know. You’d better run while you’ve still got time.’
‘You’re bluffing, I’m afraid,’ said Alfric. ‘What’s more, I know you’re bluffing. Furthermore, it’s time for me to kill you.’
‘Just one thing I ask,’ said the dragon.
‘What’s that?’
‘No lectures, please,’ said Qa. ‘Not while I’m writhing in my death agonies. I couldn’t bear it. Lectures, I mean. About eating children and all that.’
‘Oh, that’s perfectly understandable,’ said Alfric, who detested children. ‘No, I’m not killing you for any moralistic reasons. I’m killing you out of enlightened self-interest. How would you like to be killed?’
‘A blade in the heart would be quickest,’ said Qa, rolling over. ‘Stick it in here.’
So saying, the dragon tapped its belly with a set of talons, indicating the location of the heart. Then it closed its eyes, as if waiting for death.
Alfric cautiously stepped back, away from the dragon. Stealthily he picked up a skull-sized rock. Then tossed it. So it landed on the dragon’s belly.