The moment the words left her mouth, she knew she’d hurt him. Her stomach churned as she saw the flicker of pain in his eyes—but it was there and gone in an instant. “Maybe,” he said. “But I’m here with you.”
So even he could admit that he should be with someone else. “Why? Why are you fighting so hard for a date with me?”
He looked thoughtful for a moment, his eyes studying her face as if he could read everything about her there. And maybe he could—he seemed to be able to see her in a way that no one else could.
“You’re not the easiest person to get to know,” he said, startling her into a short laugh at his candor. Her laugh died instantly as he continued. “But maybe that’s part of the reason I like you so much.”
She blinked at him in the candlelight, the words wrapping around her like a warm blanket despite her efforts to push them away.
“You’re not the kind of woman I was looking for.” His hand squeezed hers as if to ease the sting of the words, but she wasn’t hurt. They were the truth, and they made sense.
“So what are you doing here with me?” The words came out as a whisper, and she forced herself to talk a little louder, with a confidence she no longer felt. “You should be with someone sweet, someone easy, someone who wants the same things that you do.”
There was a brief silence, and Alice watched his slow smile form as if hypnotized by the curve of his lips. “First of all, sweet is not necessarily the same thing as kind. And you are kind, Alice, whether you choose to admit it or not.”
His words made her stiffen. No one had ever called her that—oh, Meg maybe, but never a man.
“I’ve seen you with Ena, when you talk about your sister and your friends. Yes, you are prickly and self-contained, but beneath that there is a huge heart just waiting to love someone.”
Alice opened her mouth to deny it. She was not looking for love. How many times had she told herself that? How many times had she said it to others? But here, now, when it really counted, she couldn’t get the words out.
She finally managed to say, “Your life would be easier with someone else. Anyone else.” Because that was the truth. She had more than her share of baggage and life with her would never be easy.
When had she started to contemplate a life with this man? With any man?
“Probably,” he said matter-of-factly, shocking her back to the moment at hand. She found herself laughing softly at his honesty—at least he wasn’t trying to deny that she was difficult.
He leaned over the table, his grip on her hand tightening. “Maybe my life would be easier if I’d fallen for someone else. But I like you. I choose to be with you, any day of the week.”
Her breath hitched in her throat, and her heart stopped beating entirely before it sped up so quickly she thought she might faint. If I’d fallen for someone else. He was dangerously close to admitting true feelings for her. The L-word. Something too deep and scary for her to contemplate. She focused on his other words and they rang in her ears. I choose to be with you…. Despite herself, the words affected her. They were heady, intoxicating. She tried to fight their effect, but it was too late. They’d taken root in her chest—deep down where her darkest insecurities lie. He chose her. This man with his kind eyes and perfect smile—this man with his stable, normal upbringing and his clear-headed view of life—somehow he found her good enough, damaged as she was.
Disbelief warred with a surprisingly intense desire to believe it. She shouldn’t. She should be fighting this, fighting him. But she could feel her defenses weakening as a long-forgotten part of her heart clung to his words, wanting to believe them.
She forced herself to argue, but it was a half-hearted attempt. “Your life would be easier if you liked someone else.”
He shrugged. “Easy is overrated.”
“You deserve to be with someone—”
“Who challenges me,” he finished smoothly. “Who makes feel passion—something that has been largely lacking in my life.”
She thought about laughing off his words—skewing them to be about sex alone, make it about something cheap and meaningless, but the sincerity in his eyes wouldn’t let her. She knew he wasn’t talking about physical passion—or at least, not just that.
“Up until you, my life has been focused on goals and achievements,” he said. “With you, all that falls to the side. All those goals mean nothing if I don’t have someone to share them with.”
She stared into his eyes, trying to find any flicker of doubt, but there was none. His honesty overwhelmed her. His ability to expose himself like that made her feel weak in comparison. When was the last time she’d been so brutally honest with another person? Other than her sister, she’d never said the words “I love you” to a single soul. She’d never admitted to anyone that she needed them—not even Meg.
She didn’t know what to say in response. Even if she could make sense of the swelling tide of emotions that was threatening to drown her, she wouldn’t know how to begin to put them into words.
But he didn’t seem to mind her silence. He gave her that warm smile, squeezed her hand, and beckoned for their waiter to order a glass of wine.
The next hour passed in pleasant conversation about everything under the sun, though they both steered clear of the fundraiser topic as if by unspoken agreement. After they finished their drink, Nicholas paid and led her outside to catch a cab uptown to Claudia’s apartment.
They could hear the low murmur of voices from the hallway—a pleasant, homey sound of people laughing and talking. Unexpected nerves rose up but Alice tried to steel herself against them.
She was already feeling exposed and raw after their conversation earlier, and her normal social façade—the one she hid behind to keep from having genuine conversations—felt broken and ill-fitting.
Claudia greeted them with a grin, pulling Alice into a hug, which eased some of the tension. She could do this. It was one evening with pleasant strangers—nothing to fear.
When she got home tonight—alone, she promised herself—then she could weed through the emotions that were coming up, begging to be addressed. But for now, she wouldn’t notice them. She would smile and laugh and do her damnedest to get through the rest of the night without dwelling on their conversation.
Nicholas stayed by her side all evening, for which she was grateful. Even with her pep talk, she didn’t feel quite as capable of making small talk as she normally would—her brain had a bad habit of drifting back to their earlier conversation, replaying bits and pieces in its attempt to process it all.
Which was probably why she wasn’t paying attention when the topic of Nicholas’s potential promotion first came up after dinner as they sipped on their wine in the living room.
Nicholas must have tried to wave away a compliment, because Claudia’s voice boomed out in the room, bringing Alice back to the present. “Are you kidding me?” Claudia said as she topped off another guest’s glass. “Nicholas is a shoo-in for the position. He’s worked his ass off to get where he is, and the board knows it.”
Claudia glanced her way as if looking for a partner to back her up on this—to say, “Hell yeah, Nicholas deserves this more than anyone!” but Alice couldn’t quite do it. She was too busy realizing that she had no idea what promotion they were talking about—after all the listening Nicholas had done, all the interest he’d taken in her and her life, how selfish was she that she hadn’t bothered to ask him about his career goals?
She opened her mouth to ask Nicholas for the details—he was sitting beside her, one arm brushing against hers as they sank into the couch cushions. But before she could, one of the other guests—a nurse from the hospital—interjected. “I don’t know why you’re so excited about this promotion, Claudia. You’re going to miss him more than anyone if he heads off to Boston.”
Alice froze with her mouth slightly parted, still facing Nicholas, but the question died on her lips. Her brain registered the words, but the
crushing pain in her chest sidelined her. He was leaving.
He was leaving her.
No one else in the room seemed to notice that her world had just been flipped upside down, her heart crushed—which was ridiculous since they weren’t even a couple. Not really. His actions shouldn’t have this much power over her.
Try telling that to the searing pain in your chest.
She heard Claudia’s response, saying how she would support Nicholas wherever he went, how he deserved this promotion.
Maybe that’s how she should have felt too—he was starting to be a friend, at the very least. Maybe she should be feeling supportive. But all she could focus on was the sharp, bitter betrayal of it all. Why hadn’t he told her he was leaving?
If he knew he was leaving, why the hell had he pursued her? Why had he made her care?
But then, his reasons did matter. Despite his sweet words and earnest actions, he’d always known he was going to leave. Just like they all did.
She swallowed down a wave of nausea. After all these years of trying to avoid her mother’s curse, she’d gone and done the unthinkable. She’d fallen for a guy just to watch him walk away. Like a fool, she’d let him in, and now she would pay the price.
She turned to face the others, steeling her expression and hoping that her rage wasn’t as obvious as it felt—because it felt like her blood was boiling and steam was about to come shooting out of her ears.
When there was a lull in the conversation, she turned to Nicholas. “I’m getting tired. I think I need to call it a night.”
His eyes widened in surprise, but he nodded quickly. “Yes, of course. I’ll go get our coats.”
Claudia followed Alice as she dropped off her wine glass next to the kitchen sink. Go away, she wanted to shout at the other woman. I need to get out of here without any more talking. Because if she opened her mouth to talk, she had no idea what might come out. Tears or screams of rage. Either way, she needed to run before she exploded.
But Claudia didn’t seem to hear her internal plea for space. She came up and gave Alice a hug. “I’m so glad you could come tonight. It means the world to me and Frank to see Nicholas so happy.”
Those words were shards of glass. So happy. Because he’d made a conquest of her? Clearly that was all he’d wanted because he’d failed to tell her that this was only temporary. That he was leaving—like they all did.
A little voice in her brain shouted that she was being a hypocrite. A melodramatic hypocrite, at that. You never wanted this to be permanent. You’d made that clear.
She never even wanted to date him in the first place. He was the one who’d pushed for this, not her. She would have been happy with one night.
Liar.
Well, she wouldn’t have been hurt, at least.
Claudia pulled back and gave her a searching look. “Are you all right?”
She forced a nod and a smile. My heart is being shredded into a million pieces as we speak, but don’t worry, I’ll be just fine. I always am.
Claudia’s smile was warm and understanding. “New relationships are hard,” she said softly. “They’re scary.”
Alice’s smile froze on her face. Is that what Claudia thought this was? Is that what he’d told her?
She was disgusted by the way her heart responded, as if the clouds had just parted and it had seen sunshine for the first time. Stupid, ridiculous emotions. He’s not staying. He hadn’t even tried to deny it when the others took it for granted that he’d be leaving. So what if Claudia thinks this is for real—you know better.
“The good news is Nicholas is one of the good ones,” Claudia said, squeezing her arms in a reassuring gesture. “You can trust him.”
I did trust him, that’s the problem. Tears threatened to choke her, but she forced herself to nod. It wasn’t this woman’s fault that Nicholas was just like every other man—selfish and set to run. She was just being a loyal best friend, which Alice couldn’t fault.
No, the only person at fault here was her. She’d gone and trusted him. A veritable stranger and a guy who wanted to sleep with her. Oh, she was so stupid. So incredibly dumb. For all her big talk of her three-date-rules and her no-guys-allowed in her private space policies…she’d gone and let one in. And not just any one—the most dangerous of them all. Because he’d thoroughly fooled her with his kind smile and gentle eyes. He’d tricked her into thinking he was different.
“You all set?” Nicholas’s low voice behind her gave her a start. Still not trusting herself to speak, she gave Claudia one last smile of thanks and made a beeline for the door.
Chapter 10
Something was wrong with Alice—he’d known it for the last twenty minutes but hadn’t known how to get her alone to see what the problem was. But now they were alone on the sidewalk, and she was stalking away from him toward the avenue at the end of the block where cabs were whizzing past.
He hurried after her. “Alice, wait up.” But she never stopped moving, not until he reached her side and placed a hand on her arm. Then she whirled around to face him, and the sheer pain and anger written in her expression were like a punch in the gut. The air rushed from his lungs at the sight.
“Alice, what’s wrong?”
Her lips pressed together, and he saw her hands clench at her sides she stared at him. Finally, she bit out, “You’re leaving.”
He was stunned by the depth of emotion in her voice—so floored by the rawness of her reaction that it took a moment for the words to register. Leaving? Then the pieces clicked into place. The promotion, the potential move that would entail. He shook his head. “No, not yet. I mean nothing has been decided. I may not even—”
“You’ll get it.” It should have been a compliment, but her words were bitter, twisted. “You’ll get the promotion, everyone knows that because that’s the way things work out for you, isn’t it?”
Yes. She was right, and he knew it. Everything had come easily in his life—oh, he’d worked hard for his success, but when it really mattered, he’d always gotten his way. It was a result of good planning, hard work…. That was what he’d always told himself. But now none of that hard work or planning seemed to matter because the only thing he cared about at that moment was Alice—and she was glaring at him with something frighteningly close to disgust.
“You get everything you want,” she sneered. “The Prince Charming doctor with his charming smile and his loving family and the adoring women…”
Her words struck him with a physical force, shards of glass that ripped through the perfect life he’d built for himself. What did any of it matter if he didn’t have her?
“I knew from the very beginning that I shouldn’t trust you.”
“What? Alice, no. Why would you think that?”
But she wasn’t listening. She was lost in her own pain, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He could see the misery in her eyes, the betrayal.
“You made me think I could trust you.” His heart stopped at the choked sob in her voice. Shit, had he done this? But he hadn’t meant to hurt her.
“You made me think you were different.” She shook her head. “God, I am such an idiot.”
“Alice, no. Let me explain.”
She turned tear-filled eyes up to him, her face contorted in pain. “Why did you make me like you? Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?”
Despite the agony of seeing her in pain, a spark of hope had him reaching out toward her. She liked him, she admitted it. He could save this, make her see.
“Alice, I didn’t tell you because it didn’t seem important.”
She raised her brows and let out a cynical laugh. “You didn’t tell me because you didn’t care. You were only focused on one thing—getting the woman you couldn’t have. I was a challenge, an interesting phenomenon. A side-step on your great life plan, but not a part of it.”
He blinked at her as her words registered. The worst part was that there was some t
ruth to it. Not that he’d only been chasing her for the challenge, he’d long since figured out that she was so much more to him than just the thrill of the chase. She was Alice. She was his. She was everything.
But he hadn’t thought ahead. For the first time in his life he’d been acting on sheer impulse and emotion and had left planning and logic in the dust. How had he imagined this working out? He couldn’t say. He hadn’t been thinking beyond the present moment. “You’re right,” he said. Before she could respond, he hurried on. “Not about all of it, but about me not factoring you into my life plans. I didn’t, but not because you’re not important to me….”
He watched her jaw clench and he knew she was fighting back tears. Dammit, why couldn’t he think of the words to make her see?
“You weren’t part of the plan,” he said. “But that’s what I love about you.”
Her head snapped back at his use of the word “love” and he hurried on. “You took me by surprise. You shook up everything in my world, and you turned it upside down.”
Her brows drew together, and he knew he was getting through to her. She was listening, at least, and that was a start.
“The promotion isn’t a certainty, but even if I do get it…” He paused as the truth of what he was about to say shook him to his core. “If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”
Her eyes widened, mirroring the shock he felt himself. It was almost dizzying, the sudden and complete shift his brain had just made thanks to the shove from his heart. For the first time in his life, he was going off script. He would derail his great plans, happily, if it meant that she was a part of his life.
“You don’t mean that,” she whispered. He could hear the uncertainty in her voice, the desire to believe him—it was faint, but it was there and it gave him hope.
He moved a little closer so he could feel the heat from her body, the warm assurance that she was here, with him, where she belonged. “I do mean it.” He shook his head in frustration. “Look, Alice, you may not have been part of the plan, but screw the plan.”
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