by Kristi Rose
The term chaos leaves me breathless because right now I do feel like I bring turmoil. That Will might be sitting at his desk writing a book had I not come into his life. That Brinn might not have questioned his path had I not taken him to a psychic, told him Erik would be a good partner, said I thought he was more than a flight school owner.
Who cares what I think? While I was actively participating in their lives, I was also planning my exit route.
I look up at the sky and force my tears back. Holding them inside. The time for my pity party is not now.
“What about that start-up idea you had? That guy, Shawn Henderson, at the ball said he’d invest in something like that.”
“Says the girl who could go home tomorrow, say she’s sorry, take the bar exam, and slip into a cushy life without so much as breaking a nail.” His tone is biting. His stance angry.
“But all you have to do is go talk to him—”
“No, Josie. I have to do far more than that. I have to have the capital or at the very least the credit for the capital. I don’t have a job.” He walks to the front yard and drives the sign into the yard with one powerful push. “And once this house sells, I won’t even have collateral. Not that it’s worth a whole lot anyway.”
“Can’t you buy Vann out?”
“Where does that get me? With collateral and a new debt. It doesn’t work out.”
“OK. You’re in a shitty place. I get that. You need to make your next move. Do you have any idea what that might be?” I step toward him but he turns his back and walks to his truck.
“I’m gonna move. Maybe I’ll join the military. I’ll bounce around from place to place, not getting attached to anyone and never looking back at what I left behind. Sounds good. It’s about time I do something selfish. Hell. Sounds easy.”
I gasp. “That’s a shitty thing to say.” A tear leaks and falls down my face.
He turns, one hand on his hip. “You’re right. It is. I’m sorry, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve lost everything.”
I square my shoulders. “You have so many options.”
“Not from where I’m standing.” He turns away, heading toward his house.
“Brinn, I can help.” My voice quivers and I’m down to my last bit in reserves.
“That’s all right, Josie. Thanks but no thanks.” He walks into the house, closing the door softly behind him.
Shutting me out.
Part of me wants to cry. A different part of me wants to throat punch some sense into him. I unharness my anger—it’s easier to control and predict—and tuck away my pain. Besides, I’m not going to sit in my car and cry over a guy whose head is stuck so far up his ass he can’t tell whether it’s night or day.
I peel away from his house and head toward my place. Suddenly desperate to check the state of my apartment. The clean-up will couple nicely with burning off my anger. I won’t have any perspective until that happens. But cursing Brinn for being a pig-headed, stupid, goal-driven, tight-ass fool will feel good, for a few minutes at least and keeps me from becoming overwhelmed by the pain of my broken heart.
I’m such a fool to think I’d never fall for someone, to deny that it had been him. “No, I’m not crossing some line, I’m just giving him good memories” had been a delusion of the highest grandeur.
Karma
Desperate to get home so I can lose my shit in privacy, I turn onto my street and am forced to stop three houses away. Debris is everywhere. Several trees are uprooted and lying across the road, the spiky ends of their trunks pointing to the sky. City crews, FEMA volunteers, and neighbors are out trying to pick up the pieces. I park the car and walk the distance to Mrs. Cramer’s house. The shock of what’s waiting for me brings tears to my eyes, my anger forgotten.
The house is still standing. Bits of the roof are missing and a neighbor is putting a tarp over the holes. But the garage and my apartment are gone. Not blown away to lands unknown, but the roof’s gone, completely lifted off. The garage doors have blown out; a giant ficus tree is laying half on the driveway and half across the garage. The stairs to my apartment are gone. The only way up is through the interior of the garage, leading into the laundry room where the blue walls are intact but no ceiling, which means the only thing I have left is what I have on me. One outfit, my laptop, and the hematite stones Brinn and I bought in Cassadaga. I stand next to my car, leaning against the driver’s side door, and remove my phone from my pocket to call Mrs. Cramer in Miami, where she fled in hopes of avoiding the hurricane. I look away from the house, down at my lap, and trace a pattern on my jeans.
“Oh, Josie,” she says when she answers.
“I’m so sorry,” I say and try to control my tears.
“Oh, sweetheart. I’m the one who’s sorry. You lost everything.” Truer words were never spoken though what I lost in the apartment is nothing compared to what I just lost down the street.
“Is there anything I can do? How can I help with this clean up?” I ask as a tear lands on my thigh. I brush the few on my cheek away before I force in a deep, resolve-steeling breath.
“No, dear. The city said the stairs in the garage are sound and the building is structurally safe, so you go on and take whatever you need. Stay in my house if you want, if you need someplace. I’m trying to find a construction crew to start clean up and rebuilding, but as you can imagine...I’ve lots of competition.”
“OK. Thank you for the offer but I’ll just... I have somewhere to go. Don’t worry.” My voice is weak, stretching thin with the tension of trying not to cry. I suck in another breath and the constriction of my chest makes the inhalation hurt. So much for my determination not to be weak.
We exchange a few other condolences before hanging up and I’m left quivering from the emotions of it all.
What do I do now?
I have two weeks before my cruise line job starts. It’s unlikely I’ll be invited back into Will’s life considering I could be part of the cause of his recent episode. Brinn is done with me. Nothing else tethers me here except Jayne. Looks like a clear sign from the universe that I should move my shit along. Clearly, I’ve overstayed my welcome.
I do a quick walk through of the apartment just to make sure nothing else can be salvaged. The green chenille blanket, the one that reminds me of Brinn’s eyes, is still in the dryer. Which, funny enough, sits right where it should be in the laundry room. The washer is who knows where.
Reaching in, I pause before taking it out. Perhaps this is the one time mementos aren’t recommended. The memories will be hard enough to live with. The last thing I need is to fall apart and cry into a blanket over some rocks and a guy with green eyes. Speaking of the rocks... I dig them from my bag and after I collect a few shirts and a skirt that managed to weather the storm, I stand on the bank of Mrs. Cramer’s backyard and stare out at the river. I chuck all the hematite stones at once, hoping to send my heartbreak with them. But all I’m left with is the continual burning ache in my chest and more room in my purse.
Without looking back, I drive away in my rental car. All that’s left is saying goodbye to Jayne.
The Fox is open, as are a few of the other places that survived the hurricane. Many are not providing their usually service but instead a hot meal, cold drinks, and a place to forget. Temporarily.
I find Jayne in the storage room.
“There you are.” She tosses her hands in the air, dropping the broom she was holding. It clangs on the floor and causes me to jump. “I’ve been trying to reach you for a day. Are you OK?” She comes toward me.
“Josie?” She stops in front of me and snaps inches from my nose.
“I came by to say good-bye. I’m leaving. It’s time for me to move on.” I shrug one shoulder.
“What? Why? You can’t mean to tell me you’re still going to take that stupid cruise job. I thought for sure you’d see now everything you have here.”
I shake my head. “I have nothing.”
“I’ve lost it all,” I say, crying. “Not that I deserved any of it.” I fall into her arms and let go of all the tears I’ve been holding back.
“Why ever would you say that? You do deserve it all.” She folds me in her arms and rubs my back.
I give her a derisive snort. “I’ve been given so much. Your friendship, a new connection with my brother, this thing with Brinn, and I pissed it away. Like law school. Like everything. I played it all fast and loose with no thoughts to the aftermath. Why would life ever reward me for that?” I push away, feeling caged in.
“Oh, love.”
“I had everything. Even here I had everything, and I took it for granted. He’s never had a single thing and now he’s lost it all. No wonder he can’t even look at me. I’d hate me, too.” I cover my mouth with my hand, appalled. Jayne’s eyes widen as she pieces my words together and dip with sympathy when she comes to a correct conclusion.
“I’d hate me, too,” I whisper, hoping the truth will harden me.
“He doesn’t hate you. Maybe he just needs a few days,” Jayne says.
“I don’t deserve him,” I whisper. “He’s right. I brought chaos to his life, but I swear I thought I was just helping him live a little. I never meant to.... I just wanted to be a fond memory.”
“I know this will be hard to hear, and I don’t want you to answer me. Only that you know the answer yourself.” She lowers her voice before she continues, “Are you upset because it’s over between you and Brinn, or because he left you instead of you leaving him?”
I jerk my gaze to hers but she puts up her hand to stop me from saying anything.
“My biological dad left me and my mum when I was just a child. Went off and started a new family. Like we weren’t good enough or something.” She gestures between us. “I recognize a kindred spirit when I see one. You can keep running and wondering why you have no one in your life or you can try something different.”
Her words leave me weak in the knees, scared. There are so many hurdles ahead of me.
Jayne sighs deeply. “So what are you going to do about it?”
I shrug and rub the space between my breasts, wrapping one arm around my waist. “I don’t know. I’ve no idea how to start over here. I’ve always moved on.”
“You still have a job at the Fox. You can start with that. Or you can take the job with Samantha. You know you’re interested. You talk to her about it every time she comes into the bar.”
“But then I could’ve just stayed home and been a lawyer. I could just go do that now.” I drop my head, feeling that epic fail that Brinn mentioned.
“Yes, you could. But you weren’t happy with that so you left and went after what you wanted.” She wraps her arm around my shoulder.
“I might love him,” I whisper.
“Is that so terrible?”
“I can’t love him.” I shake my head in denial.
“Why ever not?”
“Because it’s stupid. Falling in love with him is stupid.”
“Darling, no one ever said falling in love was smart. They say to fall in love with a good person. Someone you can see yourself with forever, through thick and thin, because everything about it is stupid.”
“Wow, you’re a real romantic,” I say while drying my eyes.
“I’m a realist.” She laughs. “You, my lovely friend, have been sideswiped by your own machinations. Your reticence to commit and desire to live in the moment has given you something wonderful. It’s given you the experience of bliss. Something people rarely get.” She points to herself. “If I had an experience like you’ve had with Brinn, I’d treasure it for always, hold it close and let the memories warm me on those cold nights. I’d be thankful for the gifts it’s given me.”
I place my palms over my heart and press. “But it hurts so damn bad.”
“I imagine it does. Do you think if you left you could outrun it?”
I shake my head. “What do I do?” I lean against her, resting my head against her shoulder.
“You’ll know when you know. You’ll work it out.”
I nod, hoping she’s right. For now, I know nothing and it’s disarming and humbling and I hate it.
Chapter 27
My first move is to change my Facebook status to Jayne’s roommate. Temporarily, of course, while I got my shit together.
My next move is to go see Will. Per his request.
Standing outside the hospital ward, I turn over my purse to the security guard and listen to the instructions about protecting myself. Not that I should be in any danger, he adds.
I face Daanya, “Are you sure this is OK?” The last thing I want is make my brother worse.
“It’s perfect. He’s looking forward to seeing you. Just be yourself.” She takes my hands in hers. “Be his sister.”
I nod.
“Have them page me when you’re done.” One last squeeze and she’s off, down the hallway in her blue scrubs and shoes, so quiet I hear nothing but the pounding of my heart in my ears.
Inside the ward, behind the locked door, a guard points me toward an open day room full of tables, a TV, and a wall of windows. When I step inside Will’s sitting by himself at a table with a chessboard in front of him. I slide into the chair, grip the seat, and smile.
“There’s no way I’m playing you in chess. Especially since I’ve never won one game. Ever.”
He’s wearing sweat pants and a T-shirt and looks beat down. Dark circles reside under his eyes, and when he rests his arms on the table and leans toward me, I see he’s chewed his nails drastically short and many are bleeding.
“That’s because you were always trying to do what the manual said instead of trusting your instincts.” His smile is small but sincere and it follows the tick of his wiggling jaw. A movement I’m quickly becoming accustomed to.
“I’m not sure I have instincts. If I do, they’re....” I take a breath. “Jacked up.”
“Your instincts are fine. You knew I’d be on the beach.”
“Yeah, but had I just stayed away then you wouldn’t—” I can’t even look him in the eye, my guilt is so heavy.
“Stop. Stop right now.” Taking my hands in his, he says, “Look at me, Jo. This has nothing to do with you.”
I force myself to make eye contact. “That’s generous, Will, but you’re wrong. I’m a trigger. Our whole family is.” I swallow hard. Hearing that I contribute to my brother’s illness breaks me into pieces.
“Jo Jo, I swear this had nothing to do with you. But everything to do with me not wanting to have these stupid ticks anymore. I hate this.” He gestures to his swinging jaw. “I was on those new meds and at first I thought they were going well. The ticks were decreasing, but Daanya says my compulsions were increasing.” He shows me his hands. “Look what I did to my nails. All because I couldn’t get them clean.”
I reach one hand out, palm up, and he places his hand in mine. I hold on tight.
“I should’ve listened to her, but I wanted these stupid ticks to be gone. I hate that she’s seen with a guy who can’t control his jaw.” His laughter is heavy with a bitterness that would break most men.
“You know she doesn’t care.”
“I know. I also know she can do better than me, but I’m going to hold on to her as long as I can.” His smile is sad and it takes every bit of willpower for me not to burst into tears. I’d give anything to make his life better.
“I want to help. How can I help? Please let me help.”
Will lets go of my hand and tucks his in his lap before he shrugs. “You can come by and visit me every day before you leave. Maybe even play a game of chess.” He nods to the board. “Or you could stay and come any day, every day.”
I find my answer written on his face. His sincerity and absolut
e certainty that I’m not a trigger is all I need to accept what I have been so desperate for.
I shake my head. “I’m not leaving. I’m staying. And if it’s OK with you, I’d like to be more a part of your life. I really want that.”
Will raises a brow in surprise. “What about your cruise job and European experience?”
“There’s nothing I want in Europe. Everything I need is here.” I wait with bated breath for his response.
He leans forward. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I can’t tackle this thing by myself. I really could use your help. I want you to stay.”
I promptly burst into tears, covering my face with my hands.
“Jo Jo?”
His hand is on my wrist, so I drop mine and look at him through my tears of happiness. “I’m so happy, Will. I wasn’t sure you’d want me to stay. And I really, really want to stay.”
“I’ll admit I’m surprised. When the shit hits the fan, you have a history of scurrying off and hiding. Like a...a...”
“Bunny?” Holy fuck. Seriously?
“Yeah, a scared little bunny. You tuck tail and run. Find a new burrow to hide in. Always have. Remember when Max fell out of the tree house? I found you hiding under the bed in the guest room. You missed dinner and everything.”
I brush away my tears and laugh. “Well, I’m not a scared bunny anymore. Wait, that’s not true. I’m scared but I’m not going to run.” Maybe I should pay Madame Monica another visit. “I’m gonna make mistakes, Will. But I’m like a fly stuck to flypaper. Not going anywhere.”
We laugh and I notice he takes in a deep breath just like me. Relief is a wonderful thing. Pushing back from the table, he stands and opens his arms for a hug. I step into them and hold on.
“What’ll it be? Ebony or ivory?” he asks as we step away.
“What?”
He indicates the board. “Ebony or ivory. You pick your pieces, and I’ll get a clock so we can time our moves.” He swivels on his heel and trudges off in an annoying slap of slippers against linoleum.