“Yeah, and you usually end up asleep, so it shouldn’t matter where you sit.” To be honest, he had a point. But I wasn’t going to say that to Neve.
“But I can’t fall asleep here as there’s nothing to lean on. Unless you want me falling asleep and dribbling all over you?”
“For God’s sake, Neve, here you go.” With a deep sigh Flynn stood up, watched Neve scoot over to her usual corner, and then sat down in the space she had vacated.
Neve responded with a series of huffs and puffs.
All I could do was take silent deep breaths. I counted at least ten points where my left side was making contact with Flynn’s body. Breathe. As he shifted to prop his feet on the coffee table, I felt the abrasion of his jeans run through my cotton pyjama bottoms and, combined with the way his shoulder was touching the bare skin of mine, I was ready to burst.
“Are you kidding me?” Neve folded her arms and her face took on a petulant expression that I recognised.
“No. Now shut up. Do you want to watch the rest of this, or can I put a film on?” Neve’s silence signalled her moody disinterest and again I worried that she would decide it was time we go upstairs.
“I don’t mind. What film is it?” I hoped my voice didn’t sound as weird to them as it did to me. Flynn shifted slightly to pick up a selection of DVDs from the table and yet again I was aware of every point at which our bodies met. He fanned out the cases and gave them a dramatic stroke with the back of his hand, much like the presenters on the shopping channels.
“See anything you like?” he asked and there was definitely a sexy, flirty undertone to his question. I took the cases to have a look, holding them so that Neve could also read them without having to look like she was backing down. All I got from her was a shoulder shrug and so I made the decision.
“I haven’t seen this before. Is it any good?” I handed over It’s A Wonderful Life and looked at Flynn. He smiled as he got up to load it into the DVD player. I allowed my body to relax for the few seconds until his return.
“It’s possibly the best ever Christmas film. You’re clearly a woman of taste.” There was another smile before he adjusted the volume.
“This is black-and-white? I hate black-and-white films!” I was starting to get annoyed with Neve’s childishness by this point, but knew that I needed to keep her happy.
“It’s a classic, Neve! This is the sort of film that everyone needs to watch at least once.” Flynn said, before I could work out a convincing reason why we shouldn’t go upstairs.
“Whatever. I still hate black-and-white films.” When it became clear that the film was not going to be swapped, Neve got up from the sofa and I felt my heart plummet. I breathed a silent sigh of relief as she moved to the armchair and pointedly curled up in it, her back to us. As truly lovely as she was most of the time, she certainly had her immature moments as well.
With a quick eye roll in my direction, Flynn shuffled slightly to give us both more room but stopped a long way short of moving to the other end completely. Despite some disappointment at losing the direct physical contact with him, it did mean that I could get a bit more comfortable and watch the film with some degree of concentration. Neve’s position and snoring soon told us that she was asleep and Flynn and I again shared a smile.
I gradually relaxed, becoming engrossed in the unfolding story. Trying to get more comfortable, I brought my feet up next to me. Without saying a word, Flynn moved a little further away before gently tugging on one of my feet so that I could stretch my legs more. I whispered my thanks and snuggled into the corner more. But his hand didn’t leave my ankle.
I had never been so aware of the power of touch.
His hand was exerting almost no pressure at all, barely even the pads of his fingertips were in contact with my skin, but my heart-rate suggested otherwise. As much as I tried to stay focussed on the TV, my brain was not registering anything other than the square of flesh directly under Flynn’s hand. Oh my god. For no apparent reason, his fingers started slowly tracing small circles on the bone of my ankle and, honestly, his hand could have been in my knickers for the effect it was having on me.
My face was flushed and the rise and fall of my chest with each breath was probably as visible to him as it was to me. I didn’t have the guts to look at him. So the pretence of film watching continued. The circles gradually moved upwards from my ankle, millimetre by millimetre. I didn’t know how to handle it. OK, I really didn’t want it to stop, but, with every circle he created, the ability to pretend it wasn’t happening diminished.
“Do you want me to stop, Cass?” Flynn whispered as though he could read my mind. With a brief shake of my head, I turned towards him. But his hand stopped and the delicious pressure disappeared. There was a moment when I worried that he had misinterpreted my response before I realised that he was moving closer to me.
Flynn picked up one of my hands and kissed each fingertip before placing it back on my thigh. As he leant in to me, entangling one hand in my hair, I realised that he was going to kiss me but, before I could even contemplate what state my breath was in, his lips touched mine. I involuntarily closed my eyes as he started to move his mouth. Warmth started flooding every pore and, with just the slightest pressure exerted by his tongue, my lips opened to let him in. As the kiss progressed, I tried changing the angle of my mouth slightly and moving my tongue in response to his. His groan filled my mouth and that moment became the most wonderful experience of my life so far. When his tongue licked the inside of my lower lip, I couldn’t stop my own moan escaping. Wow.
In a brief moment of more rational thinking, I broke away from Flynn and looked over to where Neve was thankfully still sleeping.
When I looked back at him, I was caught off-guard by the huge, sexy grin plastered across Flynn’s face. There was an unspoken question in the brief raise of his eyebrows and, within a millisecond of me smiling my consent, his head dipped back down to mine. This time the kiss was firmer, more confident. Allowing my tongue to investigate Flynn’s mouth, I relished every new sensation: his light stubble scraping softly at the skin around my mouth; the gentle bumping of noses; the warm whispers of air that escaped when our mouths moved.
His hand pulled itself through the length of my hair, coming to rest briefly at the top of my back. The fingertips lazily followed the neckline of my vest top, backwards and forwards, whilst his tongue mimicked the same movement across my lips. The sensation cursing through me bordered on the unbearable.
I was undone.
Nothing would ever be the same again.
Pulling slowly away from my mouth, Flynn looked at me and it felt like we were the only people left in the world. Aware of how deeply we were breathing, and the heat burning in my every pore, I wondered if he was as turned on as I was. But, twisting his fingers in mine, he said just what I didn’t want to hear.
“We have to stop, Cass.” As he moved back along the sofa, I felt both bereft and embarrassed. Whatever had prompted that first touch from him had clearly disappeared.
I had wanted this since the night I dreamt about Flynn but, now, as amazing as the last half hour had been, the shame I felt was bigger. I stood and called Neve’s name. She turned around, blinking as she struggled to wake. Looking briefly at the TV, she registered that the film was still playing.
“Not gonna finish watching it? I told you it would be crap.” She tapped Flynn on his head on her way out. I took the longer route, avoiding him, determined not to cast even a covert glance in his direction.
My phone chirped as I brushed away the taste of Flynn, grateful that Neve was already asleep.
Flynn: Night Cass x
I switched it to silent and hid it in the depths of my bag.
Thankfully, Neve woke in a better mood. I desperately needed her to distract me from the looped horror film my brain had turned last night’s events into. She chatted away as we got ready, clearly oblivious to the shake of my hand as I applied lipgloss, unable to stop thinking about the w
ay Flynn had kissed me. I dressed in a black jumper and jeans, hoping to fade into the background.
When we get to the kitchen, Steph, dressed in a gorgeous blouse and fitted jeans, was humming along to the radio whilst making pancakes. Seriously, their whole house was like something stolen from an advert for John Lewis.
“Did you sleep OK, Cass?” If only she knew just how tormented my night had been. “In the mood for pancakes?” It was obviously a rhetorical question as she flipped a couple onto a plate and pressed it into my hand. “There’s fruit and maple syrup on the table. Juice is in the fridge. You know to just help yourself.” I thanked her, sat at the breakfast bar and forced myself to eat as I didn’t want to appear rude. But the only sense I could focus on was my hearing, listening out for any sign that Flynn was around. “What are you girls thinking of doing today?”
As she sat down next to me, Neve answered. “I don’t know yet. I fancy getting out of the house for a bit. We might pop into town and have a look in the sales. Could you give us a lift?” She did at least look at me for some approval of the plan.
“I can drop you off, but then we’re going to see Uncle Jim and Nanna so won’t be back until this evening.”
“Is Flynn working today?” Just the mention of his name was enough to torment me.
“No, but he’s already gone to Jake’s. He said something about going into Birmingham.” Without realising that I had been holding my breath in, I exhaled, safe in the knowledge that Flynn wasn’t going to appear in the doorway at any moment.
“Crap. I wish he’d said something. We could have got a lift in with him.”
“Text him. He hasn’t been gone long so might still be at Jake’s,” was Steph’s helpful reply.
“I don’t really fancy going into Birmingham, Neve,” I said, quickly formulating an excuse. “It’ll be really busy and I haven’t got any money to go sales shopping.” As much as I liked Jake, I was desperate to avoid having to make small talk with Flynn in the confines of his car. “We can always walk back from town if there’s no buses.”
“Oh, OK then. I want to see if I can get a bargain for the New Year’s Eve party.” Neve’s parents had invited some of their friends over to see the new year in, and Neve was insisting that I go so that she didn’t get stuck with ‘the fogies’. Needless to say, we were not going to Matt’s house party, where most of the Sixth Form would be celebrating the start of 2013.
Before we went into town, I couldn’t resist the temptation to check my phone.
Flynn: Night Cass x
Flynn: Are you still awake?
Flynn: Please don’t ignore me Cass.
Flynn: We WILL talk at some point today Cass. Have a nice day :)
The last text had been sent that morning. Oh well, at least I had the rest of the day to work out how to cope with being around him, without letting him see how much I was hurting.
As we walked back up Neve’s road, carrier bags in each hand, I saw Flynn’s car, parked on the drive. I had managed to push thoughts of him, if not to the back of my mind, at least away from the forefront, whilst shopping. But that luxury was over. Immediately my brain started whirring, contemplating what my options were. There was a part of me considering going back home but I knew there was no chance of Neve letting me get away with that. I decided that the only way to do this was to confront my fears; I could brave this out and act like nothing happened. After all, to him, that was probably the case. It was just a kiss. Who am I kidding?
The only signs that Flynn was home were the empty glass next to the kitchen sink and the low throb of bass that could be heard through his closed bedroom door. Neve and I spent the rest of the afternoon trying on our purchases and testing each other’s make-up. It certainly was turning into the girly sleepover she had planned.
I popped downstairs at one point to pick up a couple of drinks. A part of me hoped that Flynn would follow me and we would be able to get the dreaded conversation out of the way. But, no, I was still waiting, allowing Neve to distract my mind from itself in any way she wanted.
All of a sudden, Neve yanked her foot out of my hand, smearing the deep purple polish I had been applying, and rushed to the en-suite. I heard the sound of vomiting and went in to check on her. She was sat next to the loo, a feverish sheen on her white face. I pulled her hair back and tucked it into the back of her tee shirt.
“You OK?” The grimace on her face was evidence that I had asked the most stupid of questions. Neve threw up again and stayed huddled over the basin, one arm wrapped around her tummy. I wet a flannel and pressed it to her forehead.
“I feel like shit. Like I’m burning all over.” She groaned and looked like she was struggling to stay upright.
“You don’t look so hot either. Can I get you anything?”
“I think I might just get into bed for a bit. Do you mind?” I helped her get up and let her lean against me to walk. Clearing off the bags and clothes strewn on her bed, I pulled back the covers and tucked her in. I stroked her back though the duvet until a change in her breathing suggested she had dozed off. After leaving a glass of water on her bedside cabinet, and making sure that the path between the bed and the toilet was clear, I picked up my tablet and went downstairs.
I was sat losing at Scrabble when I heard the sound of Flynn coming down the stairs. Determined to get this over with, I made myself look up and acknowledged his arrival with a forced smile.
“Hi. Where’s Neve?” I was unsure if there was an agenda to his question.
“In bed. She was really sick earlier.”
“Is she OK? You should have got me.”
“Why? I sorted her out. I didn’t need any help.” I couldn’t stop a slightly defensive tone creeping into my voice. “She’s sleeping now but she looked awful earlier.”
Flynn popped a piece of chewing gum into his mouth before offering me the packet. I took it, aware of the warmth from where it had been in his pocket, and helped myself to one of the white lozenges. He sat on the opposite side of the bar from me, seemingly waiting for me to carry on the conversation. As much as I intended to resolve it as painlessly as possible, I don’t want to be the one who raised the subject of last night. I needed to know the line he was going to take before I risked making a fool of myself.
“Cass, about last night…God, that sounds so clichéd, doesn’t it?” He looked at me with a smile but I was too on edge to respond. “Umm, OK…I’m going to talk and I want you just to listen, OK?” I managed to nod but felt a wall of anxiety building, ready to protect me from the inevitable disappointment. Flynn was within arm’s reach yet I could feel the gap between us widening with every second until he continued.
“I like you Cass, as in like you.” I literally had to bite my lip to stop myself smiling at this admission. “And it’s sort of taken me by surprise. I’ve liked having you around for years but something has changed.” He paused and ran a hand through his hair, making me long to feel his hair in my own hand. “Maybe it changed on the night of the party; you got so angry with me but, when you were upset, I just wanted to make it all better. I feel so protective of you. I meant it when I told Rob that I was ready to kill him. I couldn’t bear the idea of him touching you,” he admitted, his jaw becoming tense at the mention of Rob’s name. “And you make me laugh so much - sometimes I don’t think you’re even trying to. Cass, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about last night. I even scrapped going out with Jake as it didn’t seem fair on him. “
There was a pause which suggested he has finished and I digested what he had said. He liked me, as in liked me, wanted to protect me and thought I was funny. As great as this all may have sounded, in my heart I knew it wasn’t enough; just the sight of him was enough to make me shiver. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he felt, tasted even, the night before. Yes, he made me laugh and, yes, he was thoughtful, but for me he was so much more than that. I wanted to touch him everywhere. I wanted to be a part of him. I wanted him.
And at no point did h
e say that he felt that way about me.
Why would he?
My body demons crowded my brain, reminding me of everything I wasn’t and my heart sank lower. Flynn picked up my hand across the surface that separated us and stroked my palm.
“And, Cass, you make me so horny – I nearly lost it last night. Completely. I mean, we were just kissing but I was so fucking turned on. I didn’t want to scare you off but I was in real danger of losing it.” He paused, a look of almost shyness on his face. “OK, you can talk now.” Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.
As the stroking in my palm continued, it felt like every nerve ending in my hand ran through the rest of my body, taking the blood away from my brain and rendering me speechless.
“I want you too,” was all I could manage.
“Well thank God for that! You had me worried there for a while.” Smiling, he moved around to my side of the breakfast bar, pulled me to him and proved to us both that the night before was not a one-off. His minty breath mingled with mine, his hands cradled my scalp and his body was pressed tightly against me from chest to knee. My own hands reached around to stroke the hard lines of his back through his top. As the kiss drew to a slow end, I pulled back enough to be able to look at him properly.
“Is this really happening?”
“Yeah, baby, yeah!” As corny as it was, his reply diffused some of the tension, and I sat back down to catch my breath.
“You hungry?” Whilst I wondered if he meant literally or metaphorically, he opened the fridge door and looked in. “Pasta? Pizza? A sandwich? Me?” The question was punctuated with a cheeky wink from behind the fridge door.
“Pizza will be fine, thanks!” I chuckled at his melodramatic groan of disappointment and told him I was going to check on Neve.
Neve was half asleep and looked even worse than earlier. I helped her to put her pyjamas on and talked to her like I do to Sylvie when she is poorly. After getting her a fresh glass of water, and telling her that I would leave her door open in case she needed to call for anything, I went back down to the kitchen. I found Flynn grating cheese and was briefly distracted by the view of him from behind.
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