I guess that Mum must have told Mike to make himself scarce as he disappeared upstairs straight after eating and so it was just the two of us sat waiting for Kate to arrive, awkwardly pretending to watch some home makeover show.
It felt like ages since I had last seen Kate, although she had rung a couple of times to see how I was. She sat down opposite me, nursing the mug of tea Mum had made, leaving her notebook closed on the seat next to her.
“So, how have things been, Cass?”
“OK, I suppose. I’ve just been trying to keep up with school work mainly.”
“Have you been out yet?” There was a slight note of accusation behind her gentle tone.
“No. But I’ve looked after Sylvie and my friend has come round a few times.” I tried not to sound defensive.
“Well, I think you need to make yourself get out over the next few days. You need to try and get your normal routines back again.”
“How? My normal routine was based around school and I’m not allowed to go.” There was definitely a note of defensiveness this time.
“Well, that’s part of why I’m here. You can go back whenever you feel ready.”
“Why? Have they charged him?” Mum couldn’t stop herself asking the critical question.
“Yes. The CPS decided that there was enough evidence so Rob has been charged with sexual assault. He has been bailed until the hearing at the magistrates’ court. It means that he will be living at home but isn’t allowed to go into school or have any contact with you, Cass. That means indirect contact as well, so he isn’t allowed to discuss you with friends, mention you on social networking etc. The first hearing will be on Thursday and the magistrate will decide if the case is going to be heard at the magistrates’ court or the crown court.” I was struggling to process what she was saying.
“What difference does it make which court it’s in?” asked Mum.
“The magistrates can only sentence up to six months and, based on Cass’s statement, I would think that the CPS would be looking for a longer sentence than that. Rob will also have the right to ask for a trial by jury which has to take place in the crown court. If it does go to crown court, it will probably be in Birmingham.” I recalled seeing news coverage shot outside the courts in Birmingham and couldn’t comprehend that that was what was potentially happening to me. “You will also get an idea of the timescale on Thursday.”
“Do I have to go to the court?” Even I could hear the panic in my voice.
“No. I will go and then come round to see you later. It will only be a brief hearing, probably no more than a few minutes.”
“Will it be in the paper?” Mum’s question surprised me as I hadn’t considered that it would be that public.
“The hearing will be public and, as he is eighteen, Rob can be named by the press. Cass won’t be named though.” As reassuring as she thought she was being, Kate’s answer did little to allay my fears. I knew that people at school would soon put two and two together.
After organising a time to come round on Thursday, and asking me if any of the leaflets had been any use, Kate hugged me and left. Mum and I sat down, neither of us knowing what to say to the other. I turned the TV on but, after flicking aimlessly through about a dozen channels, switched it back off.
“I’m going to bed.” I even faked a yawn.
“Are you going to school tomorrow?”
“I don’t know. I’ll see how I feel in the morning. I’d thought it was going to be at least next week before I went back.”
“Kate was right. You need to get some of your old routines back.” There was an assertive edge to Mum’s voice.
“Oh, I see, you just want to get back to me running the shop at nights so you can play happy families here again,” I shot back.
“That’s not fair, Cass. There’s no hurry at all for you to go back to the shop. I just think that it’s not good for you being stuck here all day, every day.”
“Well I’m OK with it. And this is supposed to be about me. Isn’t it?” I got up and left the room without so much as a goodnight.
Flynn: Night Cass xx
Mum woke me up from what had been a night of tossing and turning. Even in my half-asleep state, I knew where this was heading and refused to emerge from under the duvet.
“You have to get up, Cass. You’re going back to school today.” I heard the ripping open of the curtains, followed by the pause of footsteps next to my head. “Come on, get out of bed.” She tried to pull the duvet back, only to find it firmly held in my grip. “Don’t do this, Cass. Get up!” Her agitation was starting to become apparent. “OK. Stay there. But we are going to talk about this after I’ve dropped Sylvie at school.” I took the short-term win and stayed in my burrow until I heard the front door close behind them.
After having a quick shower and putting on clean pyjamas, I was eating breakfast and watching Lorraine Kelly when Mum got back. She switched off the TV and sat down next to me, her body radiating purpose.
“So, when is this going to end, Cass?”
“When is what going to end?” I didn’t want to have the conversation so wasn’t going to do anything to make it easier.
“This. This wallowing, feeling sorry for yourself. This giving up on life.”
“That’s a bit melodramatic Mother. I haven’t given up on life. In case you’ve forgotten, I was the victim of a sexual assault. I think I’m allowed to feel a teensy bit sorry for myself, don’t you?” My voice was riddled with sarcasm, veiling the hurt I felt from her comments.
“Yes, you were assaulted but don’t make yourself a victim, Cass. You’re the one letting it take over your life.” Although quiet, her words felt like a punch to my stomach.
“What? What? I’m making myself a victim?” I couldn’t stop the pitch of my voice getting higher and higher, even though I could hear how awful it sounded. “Do you think I want to be like this? I’m not making myself a victim and, if you loved me, you wouldn’t say such a thing. How dare you? I can’t help feeling like this. Maybe if I had a mum who understood, maybe then I’d know what I should be doing.”
As the words poured out, I knew they must be hurting her but still I continued. “I mean, what do you know about how I’m feeling? When have you asked me what is going on inside my head? When have you asked me about what it felt like, having him wank himself off over me? What it felt like having my tits felt on the dirty floor of the shop?” The venomous outpouring drained me of energy and I sat back on the sofa, knees drawn up to hide my tears. Mum shuffled over but still didn’t touch me.
“I do know, Cass. I do get what it feels like. But you can’t let it define you, not like I did.” She let her words sink in before she continued. “You were about four when it happened to me. Someone at work had set me up on a blind date with a friend of theirs. Your nan was keen for me to start dating again and so she had you to stay for the night. I got all excited, having a reason to get glammed up after so long. We went out for a curry and seemed to hit it off. He acted like the perfect gentleman and walked me back to the flat at the end of the evening, so I asked him in for a coffee. But he wanted more.” There was a pause which I didn’t know how to fill. “I do know what you’re going through, Cass, trust me, I do. But please don’t let this take over your life.” She sat still, eyes fixed on the wall opposite us. I inched closer to her.
“What happened to him?”
“Nothing. He left afterwards and I never told anyone. Well, not until Mike.” There was a quiet shame to her reply.
“Why? Why didn’t you tell the police?” Thinking back to the first time Rob attacked me, I knew it was unfair to judge her.
“Because I didn’t think people would believe me. I had asked him back to my flat after going out with him. Everyone else thought he was a great bloke and nobody really talked about things like rape in those days. It was a different era, Cass.”
“What did you mean when you said it defined you?”
“It changed me, Cass. No, I let
it change me. I lost my confidence, my sense of who I was. Before long, I was struggling at work. I didn’t care what I looked like or what people thought of me. I fell out with your nan over it all. The only thing that kept me going was you Cass. If I hadn’t got you to focus on, I don’t know what would have happened. I was so low. At one point, when Mum passed away, I even thought about ending it all. But I couldn’t do that to you.” I had tears in my eyes. I hadn’t known any of this. I hadn’t realised how much I meant to her.
“When did it get better?” I couldn’t remember picking up her hand but I was holding it like I never wanted to let go. I thought back to how strong she had been for me at the police station and hospital and wondered how she had stopped herself from falling apart.
“I can’t really remember. There wasn’t a moment where the clouds all disappeared and everything was OK again. I suppose Mike was part of it. He ran the shop at the end of the road we lived in. We would call in every day, to get you sweets on the way home from school, and he was nice in a quiet, gentle way. He was the same, day in, day out and I liked that. After a few months, he asked me out and the rest, as they say, is history. But it took a long time for me to fully trust him. I know he’s not much in your eyes, Cass but, to me, he saved me and I’ll always be grateful for that.” My brain ached with the way my previously held beliefs were being turned upside down. Unable to find a question from the millions flitting in my mind, I hugged her and tried to blink away my tears.
“I do love you, Mum.”
“I know, Cass. I love you too. But that’s why I don’t want this to become who you are. Yes, it’s crap that something like this has happened and he deserves everything he gets and more. But, please, I beg you, don’t let this stop you making the most of your life. I want you to be happy and successful, and I know that will probably take you miles away from me, but I want the world for you, Cass. I can’t bear the idea that you might not allow yourself to take it.” We were both crying by this point and, like so many times in recent weeks, she pulled me to her and cradled my head. I wrapped my arms around her middle, not wanting to let go.
I felt safe.
I wasn’t alone.
I spent much of that afternoon in my room, looking at the websites and forums for some of the support groups listed in the pack Kate had left. Some of the stuff was heart-breaking: women living with abusive husbands, scared to speak in case the wrong word triggers a beating; teenagers who have been abused for years by someone in their household, worried that they can’t speak up as it will tear the family apart; kids asking if what that man did to them at the park is wrong.
But some of it inspired me: teenage victims who were now offering support on Childline forums; women who shared the stories of how they stood up for themselves and walked away from abusive relationships; those who spoke up in the name of justice. And, as I cried at some of the terrible, awful things these people, especially the kids, had gone through, I realised that I could get through this.
I tidied myself up and went with Mum to pick Sylvie up from school. Apart from a sense of unease around people I didn’t know outside the school gates, which I would probably have felt before Christmas anyway, I coped with my first expedition into the world outside. Mum didn’t say anything but I knew she was pleased to see me trying. We agreed that I would go back to school the following Monday but that I would get out of the house every day until then.
When I spoke to her that evening, Neve was excited to hear that I would be returning to school soon. She was even more over the moon when I agreed to go to her house on Friday night. Although we discussed the need to make sure I was sorted with any remaining school work, I just knew that she was hoping it would turn into one of our usual evenings, filled with music and gossip. Like Mum, Neve was someone else whose life had been affected by what had happened.
All of us were looking, hopefully, to the future as a way of rekindling the past.
Flynn: Night Cass xx
Subject: ‘Hear Me’ (Imagine Dragons)
Minnie,
I’ve been thinking about something and don’t want you to be surprised when Neve mentions it to you…
The hotel I had booked for Saturday 16th February has been paid for and is non-refundable. Why don’t you and Neve use it? It is close to New Street station so you can easily get there by train. There are cafes, pubs etc. in The Mailbox so you wouldn’t have to stray far if you didn’t want to. The hotel looks really nice on the website so it seems a shame to let it go to waste.
Talk it through with Neve.
Every night I hope you will reply to my text.
Two words...
Mickey
xx
Flynn: Night Cass xx
Flynn: Night Cass xx
Some of the metaphorical clouds Mum had mentioned lifted in those next few days. Knowing that some normalcy was going to be restored, but at a pace I was happy with, brought with it a calmness I hadn’t realised that I’d lost.
However, Kate’s visit on Thursday was not a source of serenity. She came round after Sylvie had gone to be bed which made me wonder about the hours that she worked and whether she had much of a life outside of work. I tried to imagine her at home, cooking dinner and then relaxing in front of the TV with a faceless husband. I couldn’t picture her doing any of those things, even though I knew she couldn’t work twenty-four hours a day. Especially doing her job. I thought about whether she had planned to focus on this type of police work, or whether she had ended up doing it by accident. All of this went through my mind as she sat on the sofa, making polite conversation with Mum.
“So, today,” she started. I made my mind focus. “The magistrate decided that the case will go to the Crown Court. They think that, if found guilty, the sentence would be longer than six months.”
“That’s good, isn’t it?” I asked.
“On one hand, yes. However, it could take longer for the case to be heard than if it was just local.” I didn’t know what to say. “They have granted bail for Rob until the trial. He has to stay local and report to the police station every day. He’s still not allowed to have any contact with you Cass. If he breaks any of the conditions of his bail he will be taken into custody. So you’re safe, OK? He can’t risk getting in touch with you.” I felt only a tiny bit of relief at her words.
“What happens next?” My only knowledge of the legal system came from television dramas. In reality I knew nothing.
“There will be a plea and case management hearing in the next couple of weeks. That is when Rob will enter his plea of guilty or not guilty. If he pleads guilty, the process will speed up as there won’t be the same level of investigation needed. The lawyers will be getting their evidence together, the forensic information will come back. All of that takes time.” She looked at me with a sympathetic smile.
“When will the trial be?” That was the key question. How long until I get my life back?
“They will decide that at the PCMH hearing. I reckon it will be about six months, based on others I’ve been involved in.”
“It seems unfair that it takes so long,” Mum said. “Keeping someone’s life on hold like that. You can see why some people don’t want to press charges.”
“I know, but you can’t hurry justice. Now, Cass, when are you going back to school?” I was glad that Kate changed the topic as we had veered too close to Mum’s own issues for it to be comfortable.
Flynn: Night Cass xx
I spent my last school-but-not-at-school day getting all of my work completed and tidying my room. Monday would be a fresh start in many ways.
Mike offered to drive me to Neve’s house and I was making more of an effort to be nice to him since Mum had told me about her own experience. He seemed to be reciprocating, making small talk about the weather to fill the silence.
But, as we pulled into Neve’s road, I could see Flynn’s car parked on the drive. I got that tight feeling in my chest again, convinced that Neve was trying to set up a meeting w
ith Flynn. I asked Mike to pull over a few doors down from their house.
Me: Is Flynn there?
Neve: No.
Me: Why is his car there?
Neve: ?? He’s at Jake’s. Where are you?
Me: Outside. Just got panicked.
Neve came running from her house and opened the door just as I hit send. With a quick thank you to Mike, I got out and let her hug me.
“God, you’re a doofus sometimes. Did you think I was conning you into seeing Flynn?” I had the decency to look as guilty as charged. “Bloody hell, Cass. I made sure that he will be out. He’s even staying over at Jake’s house so that you don’t bump into each other.” As we walked through her front door, I was hit by a wave of feeling, remembering all of the happy times spent there.
“Hi, Cass. Do you want a hot chocolate?” Steph called from the kitchen.
“Yes please,” I replied as I dropped my bag in the hall and took my coat off. I followed Cass through to her mum and we sat in our usual spot at the breakfast bar.
“Marshmallows?” Steph asked as she stirred cocoa powder into the milk heating on the hob. I smiled at the image; I couldn’t ever recall seeing anyone make it from scratch outside of a coffee shop.
“Mmm. Yes please.” Steph filled glass mugs with the chocolate before putting a smattering of mini marshmallows on the top.
“There you go. Cheers!” She pushed two mugs across to Neve and me before leaving with her own drink.
“So, I know Flynn has told you about the hotel next weekend. Isn’t it fantastic?” Neve was almost squealing with excitement.
“I haven’t really thought about it,” I lied, having spent plenty of time thinking about it since his email, but not having been able to make a decision about whether it was the right thing to do.
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