Heart Matters

by tani shane

  “You thought I was your lover!” he growled through his clenched teeth, his fingers biting into her arms painfully as he shook her ruthlessly. “Will you be thinking of him when I make love to you, Jessica, will you?”

  Tears pricked her eyes. She felt thoroughly ashamed of herself. Steven had tried to make love to her and she had insulted him by calling out the name of a man who should have no place in her life. But she had not done it intentionally. She had not meant to hurt him. “I’m sorry, Steven, I’m so sorry. I thought..I drank too much..it wasn’t intentional.” She knew she was sounding pathetic but she had no idea how to go about explaining her dilemma.

  He released her with a disgusted look on his face. “Of course it wasn’t intentional! But that doesn’t make me feel any better! It shows you still think of him. You still love him and I will not take what belongs to someone else!”

  She sat up anguished, pulling the robe that had fallen off her shoulders back over them. “I don’t belong to anyone, Steven. I..I..don’t know how to explain myself. Please believe me when I say I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

  “I’m not desperate, Jessica,” he said tightly, going to his closet to rummage through it. He pulled out a pair of clothes and headed for the door.

  “Where are you going?” she asked near to tears.

  “I told you I won’t take you until you’re ready, Jessica. Holler when you stop dreaming of him,” he gave back sardonically before banging the door behind him.

  Jessica kept staring at the door for a long time not quite sure if she was awake or was having a nightmare. Tears began rolling down her cheeks and she failed to understand her own misery. Hadn’t she entered this marriage so that she wouldn’t cry again? Then why was she crying over a man she didn’t even love, a man she hardly knew? She lay down sobbing uncontrollably. Somehow she no longer knew what was happening in her life. She didn’t know why she had married Steven or why it hurt to see him so angry with her. Why? Why?

  She hid her face in the pillows sobbing bitterly. It was only in the early hours of the morning that she drifted into a fitful sleep, the tears not quite drying on her cheeks as dream after dream held her guilty of events she could not comprehend.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Steven did not speak to Jessica the next day. After having spent a sleepless night in the guestroom, he had risen early and dressed for work while she was still fast asleep. He frowned at her when he came into the room for his clothes. Her inert form irritated him beyond reason. Why the hell was she sleeping so peacefully while he felt like a complete jerk?

  He left the apartment scowling fiercely. For a while, he drove his BMW around aimlessly trying to come to terms with his fury. Damn her for making a complete fool of him! He still couldn’t believe she had called out to Warring while he was making love to her. And to think for a moment he actually thought she was reacting to him! He had never felt so cheated in his entire life!

  You married her hotshot, an inner voice jeered, because you find her irresistible. She married you because you were her key to her inheritance. She neither offered you her love nor her loyalty but just her body. She can think of any man she wants and still make love to you. Make love. A relationship like theirs had no place for those words. It was pure sex they had agreed upon, nothing more, nothing less.

  Then why the hell did he feel like such a fool? She had apologized for her indiscretion, what more could she do? He could have taken her then and there and she would have been like wild fire in his arms. But I don’t want her like that! he thought bitterly, I don’t want her dreaming of some other man when she is in my arms!

  Her beautiful face moaning softly with desire floated before his eyes and had him accelerating his car heedlessly into the slowly growing traffic. There goes your practicality, pal, he smirked mirthlessly, you wanted no strings attached and she is took you up on it. She longs for another man while she beds you!

  His car went screeching into the parking lot of ‘Hart Inc.’ raising quite a few brows. When he stormed into his office barking orders, everyone discreetly moved out of his way. He slammed the door to his chamber and headed straight for the bar to pour a drink.

  Women! Damn them, damn them all! he cursed, downing the glass’s contents in one gulp and pouring out more of the burning liquid. They were all the same, faithless! After Ida, he had promised he wouldn’t let any other woman affect him in the same manner but here he was drinking himself silly over a woman he didn’t even love! That was the most painful part. Jessica had somehow managed to get under his skin. Even Ida had been unable to do that!

  He shoved the glass away appalled with himself. He had taken an oath he would never get drunk like the way he had after Ida. Ida. Would he ever forget her? Possibly. It was difficult for a man to forget someone as sophisticated, vivacious and sexy as Ida Devon. Once she had meant everything to him. He was young when they had first met, only twenty-two and she was two years older. They had met in college and he had fallen for her glittering green eyes and silky hair. They had had a raging affair and had moved in together six months into their relationship.

  Ida had made herself very clear from the beginning. She wanted nothing more than a live-in relationship. She believed the institution of marriage slowly killed a person’s individuality. So with no strings attached they had lived together close to four years. That’s why when she walked out; he had felt his world fall apart. She left a simple note stating that it was over between them and that he should not try to chase her to make her change her mind.

  Broken hearted, Steven had spent his days drinking. Jeff had been around then to help him pull out of the rotten mess that he had become. He had finally come out of his pitiful existence when he had seen Ida’s picture in the papers. She had married Senator David Devon, the Democrat who apparently had presidential aspirations. He had no idea how she had come across such a man but the fact that she had got married within a few weeks of their break-up told him she had been faithless.

  Steven had resurfaced with a vengeance towards all of the female species. He vowed he would earn in millions if only to show Ida what she had lost. His determination made him overcome his depression and after struggling for years, he struck gold at the stock exchange and emerged as one of the most powerful businessmen in the country.

  Once his life had found a firm footing, he had longed for companionship but shunned emotional involvement. He had drifted in and out of several relationships before coming to the decision that he needed an heir to run his business empire after him. Sean was there of course but he still needed his own child. That’s when he had met Jessica. He felt a longing for her that he had never felt for any other woman, strangely not even Ida and that’s why he had married her. He knew from their brief meetings that they were compatible on many grounds and thought they could make their marriage a success.

  Then where had it gone wrong? Why did it hurt to know that she loved another man? Maybe he was more egoistic than he was aware. In any case, there was nothing he could do to change the facts as they were. She had to forget Warring before they could consummate their marriage. If she didn’t, then they would have to part their ways.

  ***

  Two weeks later, Jessica sat in her office staring outside the windows. She had received access to her inheritance within days of her marriage and had worked out the revival of her company as per her agreement with ‘Hart Inc.’ The paperwork clearly stated that in case her company once again plunged to the verge of bankruptcy, her shares with ‘The Residency’ would automatically be transferred to ‘Hart Inc.’ Her company was revived as ‘Jess-C Hart Creations’ and Jessica plunged into work with the energy of a young child.

  Her stand with Steven had not changed after their wedding night. He had chosen to keep away from her as well as the apartment. The thought that he was spending his nights in someone else’s arms oddly hurt but she refused to let it show. She was so involved with her work that no one sensed the turmoil of her heart. Often she worked
into late nights and was usually so exhausted by bedtime that she fell asleep as soon as she hit the pillows. She did have a faint impression that Steven sometimes came in and stood watching her as she slept but the feeling was so vague that she was sure it was her imagination. Sean and Niki came in sometimes and if they noticed Steven’s obvious absence, they chose not to show it. Sean had his own place elsewhere and they never stayed long.

  Neither Jessica nor Steven chose to break the ice and continued to wallow in self-pity. The stress, both physical and emotional took its toll on Jessica’s health until one day she finally decided to put an end to the entire charade. She had to be fair to herself. She couldn’t go on living her life in this manner. She was married but without a husband. She had refused at least a dozen post-wedding party invitations and now she had reached her limit of patience.

  If Steven didn’t want her in his life, he could say so. In the end, she had received control over her inheritance and he had his much-needed security. So why were they still married? Why not call it a day and get a peaceful divorce? She had anyway nothing to gain from it in terms of alimony as per their pre-nuptial agreement. So why were they still playing these games?

  With firm determination, she called up his office using her boutique’s landline, her heart beating wildly. She realized she didn’t have his cel phone number after she had erased her own to get rid of the pics Jake had sent her. She had not bothered to program any numbers as she mostly used her office phone where she spent most of her time. She didn’t want to speak to anyone as it is. Especially Jeff who bothered her with the most needling of questions.

  The bell rang on the other end and she waited awkwardly for his secretary to come on the line. When the other woman finally came on, Jessica spoke lightly. “Susan, hi. It’s Jessica. Is Steven in?”

  “Oh, good morning Mrs. Hart,” Susan spoke hesitantly, “I’m afraid Mr. Hart isn’t back from Singapore yet.”

  Singapore! He was in Singapore without so much as bothering to inform her! Jessica cleared her throat. “Oh, yes. I spoke to him…last night and he said he might get back earlier than intended. Er...can I have his cell phone number? I seem to have misplaced it.”

  “Sure.” Susan gave her the number and hung up after some polite talk.

  Jessica felt her temper rise slowly. She was most embarrassed to have to ask his whereabouts from his secretary. Everyone expected the wife would be the first one to know if her husband was not around even for half a day! She jabbed his cell phone number ferociously and waited for him to reply.

  After a while, the bell rang and he came on the line sounding thoroughly surprised. “Jessica? What is it?”

  So, he had her boutique number programmed in his phone, did he? she thought irritably.

  “Can we talk?” she heard her voice say while she had actually intended to give him the choicest of abuses.

  “Not now, I’m in a meeting. Can’t it wait till I get back?”

  She shifted uncertainly. She couldn’t just blurt out that she wanted a divorce. At least not while he was in a meeting. “Fine. I’ll talk to you when you get back.”

  “Good,” he said simply and hung up leaving her thoroughly frustrated. Half of her wanted to call him back and shower abuses for the inconsiderate creature that he was but her more sensible half told her it was better to wait. He had not told her when he was returning and she wasn’t about to call him back and ask.

  A rush of emotions threatened to envelop her pushing her close to tears. She blinked rapidly to get rid of them and reached for her phone. She had no intention of sitting around and moping for Steven. But she had to get the heaviness off her chest by being with the one person who loved her more than his life.

  Ty. Talking to him would feel like indulging in a thousand dollar spa. Not only good to relieve her stress but damn good for her bruised ego!

  ***

  Her eyes were hidden behind dark shades and Mark knew she was hiding not only her identity behind it but also her pain. Immediate concern rose in his heart. He hoped Steven Hart hadn’t done anything to hurt her.

  “Jess?” He covered her hands in his and leaned in to peer at her. “Baby girl, are you ok?”

  She gave a slight nod. “Jake?”

  Mark took in her prim and proper stance and wasn’t fooled. Today it wasn’t Jake she was bothered about. “I gave him a warning, Jess. He’s heeding it for now.” He sat back in his chair, raising his iced tea to his lips. He watched her maintain her composure. If anyone so much as glanced at them, it would appear they were acquaintances having lunch. Her wild hair was drawn back in a tight bun, she wore a chic business suit and her shades completed a professional look. Marriage to Steven Hart meant ducking the media’s roving lenses at all times.

  Her request to meet him had come as a surprise and he was immediately sure it wasn’t all about Jake. Mark was almost beside himself with the need to keep her safe. To keep her happiness safe. He watched her but all he could see was his own reflection in her glasses.

  “Jess, if it was just a matter of getting Jake to shut up, I could do that but those damn pics! I can’t do anything about them. You need to tell Jeff, maybe Steven too.”

  She sighed shaking her head. “Ty, I can’t do that. I can’t tell Jeff and Steven…” Her voice broke and his heart constricted.

  So he was right about Steven! He had hurt her! God damnit! What did men want anymore? You get this gorgeous creature as your wife and yet you find it in your heart to make her miserable. He threw caution to the winds as he covered one of her hands, bringing it to his lips. “Baby girl, I know it’s none of my business but if Hart’s hurt you, I swear I will kill him!”

  A tiny smile lit up her face. She gave him a friendly punch. “What are you, Batman? Always talking about bashing and killing people!”

  He chuckled, feeling happy that she was at least smiling. “Remove your glasses.” She did as asked making him suck in his breath. There were shadows under them and a sadness that touched his heart. “Jess, tell me. You know I’m always there for you.”

  She rose, holding her hand out to him. “Let’s go someplace we can talk.”

  Mark dropped a few bills on the table and taking her hand, tucked it in the crook of his arm. They wandered about lazily for a while before sinking into a secluded bench by the waterfront. He draped his arm over her shoulder and she laid her head on it, sighing deeply. Turning slightly towards him, Jessica clutched the lapel of his denim jacket and for a while they simply sat content in each other’s company.

  She tilted her face to catch his handsome profile and traced a finger over his laugh line. “Tell me again why we couldn’t be?”

  He didn’t look at her, keeping his gaze out towards the ocean. Her finger touched his lips and he placed a tiny kiss on it before capturing her hand in his. He looked down at her aware that she was hurting deep inside. “Now all the reasons I had, seem idiotic. I was, am a nobody Jess. I grew up in foster homes. I could never have given you the life you really deserved. So let’s leave it at that. You’ve moved on baby girl. Why don’t you just tell Steven you love him?”

  She seemed taken aback. “Do I?”

  His smile was wry even as he nuzzled her head, inhaling the incredible smell of her hair. “Yes, you do.”

  She dropped her eyes feeling vulnerable. “But he doesn’t love me.”

  Mark’s eyes narrowed, the sun turning them lighter than they really were. “What do you mean?”

  A deep flush stained her guilty cheeks. “I..er..we..um..”

  “If the tip of your nose turns red it must be worst than I imagine.”

  Her smile was idiotic before it grew nervous. “We made a deal. The marriage is a sham. He only wants me in his bed and…”

  “And you agreed?!” Mark almost shouted, shifting so that he was facing her. “Jess, what the hell is wrong with you? You of all the people? You? You agreed to such a deal? Why?”

  She was embarrassed now, stung by his reaction. Was the deal be
tween Steven and her as bad as it sounded? Or did it sound bad only to the people who loved her? She squared her shoulders, raising her defiant chin. “Because I want him in my bed too!”

  If a jaw could open and crash on the ground below, it would certainly be Mark’s. He simply gaped at her trying to frame sensible words to tell her. When he couldn’t, he looked away at the ocean, willing the raging blood in his veins to calm down.

  “Do you think so little of me that you won’t even look at me now?” Her small voice accused him.

  Mark’s eyes sought hers immediately and he shook his head. “It’s not that, baby girl. It’s just that I can’t digest the fact that you could agree to a relationship like that. If it were so, you would’ve let go of your past long ago.”

  The gray eyes stormed over. “What Jake did to me isn’t something I can let go.”

  “Nor is what happened between us then.”

  She blushed furiously averting his soul searching eyes. His sucked in sharply in surprise. “You still think of me?” His question was incredulous.

  Jessica covered her face with her hands then sat back sideways to him. She pulled his arm over her shoulder and once again clutched his denim jacket. “Let’s sit this way where I can’t see your eyes. I won’t be able to talk if you keep judging me like this.”

  “I’m not judging you.”

  “You are.”

  Silence once again stretched between them and she spoke after a good five minutes when she had mustered enough courage to go on. “Ever since that night with Jake and then with you, time and again I get nightmares,” she stated tonelessly, aware that his grip tightened on her shoulder on instinct. “It’s always the same. I feel Jake’s hands on my body; ripping my clothes, touching me…it’s as hideous as it’s actually happening all over again. I then start crying and calling for you. And suddenly you’re there; taking me in your arms, keeping me safe, loving me. I always go back to sleep less frightened, Ty.”