‘I have more.’
He was angry, understandably so. She trod gently.
‘How are you?’ she asked.
‘I’ve been better.’
‘And Daisy?’
‘She’s devastated.’
‘Things will get better,’ she said. ‘I’ve taken a month’s leave from the hospital. I’m going to find a place and when I do you can come and live with me.’
‘We’re going nowhere,’ he said.
‘You can think about it.’
‘You might have left Dad but we’re not going to,’ he said, and she heard Declan’s voice again.
‘I did leave your dad but I will never leave you,’ she said.
‘Really? Because that’s what it looks like, feels like and smells like, so you must be talking shit.’
‘I told you, when I find a place –’
‘Are you moving in with him?’
‘No.’
‘He’s that woman’s brother, isn’t he?’
‘Yes,’ she said, and wondered how much Declan had said about Eve.
‘How long have you been sneaking around behind Dad’s back?’
‘I couldn’t tell your father that Eve was in the hospital because I knew he’d try to stop me seeing her –’
‘And him.’
‘And him, yes. His name is Clooney.’
‘Stupid name.’
‘What I’ve done has nothing to do with Clooney,’ she said.
‘Then what?’
‘Remember the summer when you were thirteen and you broke your leg on the second day of a month-long stay in France? The other kids would play all day in the pool and you couldn’t so you sat far enough away so as not to be splashed but close enough so that you could hear them playing. You were so near to all that fun and freedom but you might as well have been a world away. You were lonely and ignored and you were miserable.’
‘What’s your point?’
‘I’ve been living that summer for twenty years.’
‘You’re saying you hated life with us?’
‘I’m saying I hated my life with your father.’
‘Are you sorry you had us?’
‘No. You kids are the one good thing –’
‘He’s a mess without you.’
‘It will get better.’
‘You’ve broken his heart,’ he said. He wasn’t accusing her so much as stating a fact.
‘It will get better.’ You have to have a heart for it to break.
They stood staring at one another for a few moments.
‘I should go,’ she said. ‘I’ll be in touch.’ She moved to walk away.
‘Mum!’
She turned.
‘Daisy misses you,’ he said.
‘So tell her to answer her phone,’ she said. ‘And, Scott, don’t let your dad tear you down. When he’s in pain he does that, so just remember, it’s not you, it’s him.’
He said nothing, just pursed his lips. He wasn’t going to say anything bad about his dad. He might have softened towards his mother momentarily but he was still angry with her and he still blamed her for breaking up his family and destroying his world. Why do you have to be so selfish? Why can’t you just be happy? Why don’t you love us enough to stay? How could you leave us?
When Lily got to the car she felt she needed to walk, so she put her bag in the boot and went up on to the cliff to the spot where she and Eve had spent so much time in their youth. She sat looking out towards Wales and thought about what she was going to do. I’m so sorry. I made such a mess of everything. It’s all my fault. Please forgive me.
11. From Paris to Peru
Monday, 20 August 1990
11.15 a.m.
Eve,
I’m so, so, so sorry for not writing before now. I just didn’t know what to say. I’ve started so many letters and they’ve all ended up either completely crossed out or blank and crumpled in the bin. A lot has happened in the past few weeks and I’m not sure how to tell you or what you’ll think of me. I’m not even sure what I think about myself. I’m so confused. I can’t stop crying. You probably know that I aced my Leaving Cert (I know Clooney phoned Danny) and it’s great news, it really is, but there’s a part of me, and I don’t know why, that wishes I’d failed. If I had, I’d have had to repeat, and it would have given me more time to think about what I really want. Does that make sense? As you know, Declan did well enough and he’ll definitely get medicine in Cork. I haven’t spoken to him but he’s left lots of messages in the restaurant. The boss is beginning to get really annoyed. I know you did well. Danny told Clooney. I’m thrilled. I also know it doesn’t mean anything to you because you’re creative and you’re going to St Martin’s based on your portfolio but it’s a great result. How did Paul do? And Gar? I know I should have rung you and I know you think I don’t care but I do. It’s just all been so weird here.
I wish you were here, and then I think it’s probably best you’re not because you’ll kill me. You and Clooney are like my family. There isn’t a memory that I have that doesn’t include you and him and Danny. Your dad has been the closest thing I’ve ever had to a father. I love you all. You are the family my mum couldn’t ever give me. You know that. You know I love you and you know I love Clooney. I’ve always loved him, and not like a brother, like a boy, like a man, but he was always older and it was never right because he should have been like a brother. I didn’t think he felt the same way. I always thought he saw me as the little annoyance who made him laugh or smile every now and again but mostly got under his feet when he was trying to be cool with all the beautiful girls that flocked around him. I never for a moment thought he’d ever think of me like that.
We started spending a lot of time together. At first it was just us messing around together and the only thing missing and out of the ordinary was that you weren’t there, and then one night he came back to my place and I made him some quiche and we shared some beers. The stupid electricity went because I’d forgotten to get 50p pieces to feed the meter so I lit some candles and we just sat together and talked, and when it got cold because that flat is so damp (it’s a wonder mushrooms don’t grow on the walls) we got under a blanket together on the sofa. I don’t know what happened because one minute we were laughing and then we were kissing, and I know this is freaking you out but it was amazing, and I was screaming what the hell in my head and I couldn’t stop and we slept together and I won’t go into it because I know you’ll lose it if I do but I think I’m in love with him. For the whole time I didn’t even think of Declan once. It was only when he left the next morning that I remembered I had a boyfriend I loved – and I do love Declan. I’m so confused and I feel so bad. I actually feel sick all the time. I can’t talk to Declan. I keep ringing and leaving messages with his mother when I know he won’t be there, and I know he’s probably losing it but I just don’t know what to say and I can’t lie to him.
Clooney and I have been together every day since. He’s left the tent and he’s staying here with me. I’ve had some of the best times of my life with him and there are moments when I think I’ve died and gone to heaven but then the guilt comes and I want to die because I can’t turn my back on Declan and I do love him.
Besides, Clooney and I are just a fantasy. I’m never going to be his girlfriend. He told me he’s leaving. He hasn’t told Danny yet so please don’t say anything. He’s bored with his course, and as much as he loves his radio show, he feels he’s done all he can do on it. V Kill P is moving to London to be with her girlfriend and he said it just won’t work without her. He did an interview in Dublin last month to volunteer building houses in Africa. He’s going in a few weeks. He’s always been into that stuff and I know he will love it and it will be the adventure he has always craved, but when he told me I actually felt my heart breaking in two. He said it like I should be happy for him and I am, of course, but I can’t stop crying because maybe he’ll miss me but he won’t miss me like I’ll miss him. Our family is bre
aking apart. You’re going to London and he’s going to Africa and I’m supposed to go to Cork with Declan, and if I don’t, and I will and I do love him – but even if I didn’t where would I go? What would I do? My passion is Clooney but he’s leaving me and so he should. I’m not really even his anyway, I’m with Declan who needs me. He would never walk away. I do love him. I’m so confused and scared because I don’t know what I want to do or where I want to go. Am I going to study medicine just because I can? Am I moving to Cork because that’s where Declan wants to be? All I know is, I’m losing my family, the people I love, and without you what am I going to be? I can’t believe I’ve done this to Declan. He can never know. It would destroy him. Please never ever tell him. Tell no one. It’s just our secret.
Clooney is coming over tonight and I think I’m going to end it. I keep saying that but then I see him and he’s only going to be here for another week so … I don’t know. I’ve never been so confused. Please write back to me, please don’t be annoyed or let down. I love you. Clooney and I being together doesn’t change the fact that you are my best friend. Nothing can change that.
Please tell me what to do. I need your clear thinking.
I’m so sorry,
Lily XXXOOOXXX
The plane landed at Charles de Gaulle Airport on time. Clooney hadn’t drunk much the night before, despite the quantity of booze on offer. He was clear-headed and focused on getting to Stephanie. She had emailed him back and told him to meet her at the clinic as she would be there from nine o’clock. He got into a taxi, gave the guy the address, then sat back and watched Paris whiz by. Neither man spoke. ‘Je Réalise’ featuring James Blunt was on the radio. James Blunt was one of Stephanie’s favourite artists and Clooney didn’t know if it was to do with his music or his background as a soldier. It spilled into the music, the pain and anguish, the loss, the immorality, the focus and importance. Death and destruction, however lamentable, were bigger and more important than an ordinary day spent pottering in your local city picking up the latest fashion or talking about a film you wanted to see. He listened to the song and lost himself in the blue street signs, the bridges and the majestic corner buildings. When they reached 10 rue Vivienne he paid and got out. It was twelve thirty.
He walked inside and asked for Stephanie Banks. He was directed to a room. Stephanie was genuinely glad to see him. She beamed as though they were meeting in a coffee shop or on a sun-soaked beach. Instead she had a hospital gown on and she was lying in a bed with a familiar yellow toggle stuck in her hand – Eve had worn one. They hugged.
‘Of course I’d be here,’ he said, conscious that they had just twenty minutes before she’d be taken into theatre.
She smiled and kissed his hand as tears built in her eyes. She would not let them fall. She was made of sterner stuff. ‘It’s for the best,’ she said, knowing he was softer than she was.
‘Yes,’ he said.
‘I just wanted to see you, nothing more,’ she said.
‘You know me so well.’
‘Well, you’re me without the balls,’ she said, and gave a hollow laugh.
It had been a long ten weeks since he’d left. She’d been working solidly. She’d got into some scrapes while he was away but that was nothing unusual. She’d also come upon a story that might make her career if she played it right. If she didn’t she’d be sunk, disgraced and maybe even jailed on some trumped-up charge, but she felt she was smart enough to fight whatever was thrown at her and she’d either succeed or fail and become a victim of the man. Either way the message would get out, and although she’d prefer the former, Stephanie Banks didn’t care much either way. That’s why I can’t be a mother.
‘Tell me your story,’ she said, ever the journalist.
‘I’ve been offered a job in Peru.’
‘And?’
‘My sister nearly died and her lover did die.’
‘And?’
‘And the girl I loved and walked away from when I was twenty was just raped by her husband.’
‘And you think you can save her?’
‘No,’ he said, because only Lily could save Lily.
‘Do you still love her?’
‘I think I do but then …’ He put his hand on her stomach.
‘We’re not bad people,’ she said, and battled tears again. They were never going to win. Her eyes dried and she tilted her head to smile.
‘We just want different things,’ he said, and took his hand away.
‘Exactly,’ she said, ‘and I choose me.’
‘And I do the same.’
‘We’re not bad people,’ she repeated, yet they silently mourned the thickness of her waist and wondered what might have been if they’d been different people who wanted different things in a different time and place.
After she had been taken away, he waited in a corridor watching French TV. She was gone for less than an hour. She was asleep for another two. She woke up with him at her side. She was groggy and had cramps. He stayed for an hour, long enough for a chat and to feed her a little toast. When she was sleepy and visiting hours were over, he made his way back to her room in the hotel. She had let them know he was joining her. The receptionist gave him a card-key to the room that they would share the next evening. He fell on to the bed and phoned Eve’s apartment. Lily answered. He asked how she was and Lily said she was fine. They talked for half an hour but in all that time he didn’t tell her why he was in Paris and she didn’t ask. I wish you were here with me now, Lily. I’m such an arsehole.
On the day that her brother had gone to Paris Eve woke up to breakfast made by her best friend Lily. They sat together and it was just like old times. They didn’t speak, just enjoyed the silence that comes with knowing someone well. When they had finished, Eve picked up her phone and booked a taxi to the hospital. Lily was confused. ‘Are you OK?’ she asked.
‘Fine.’
‘What are you going back there for?’
‘I have a meeting.’
‘Who with?’ Lily asked.
‘Does it matter?’
Lily didn’t know how to answer but she knew Eve was up to something. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’
‘No, thanks.’
‘OK,’ Lily said. ‘I’m not going to ask.’
‘Best not to.’
After that Eve took a call from the storage company that was holding her family’s furniture. She asked them to return it to the house they’d picked it up from. Then she called Lily. ‘It’s sorted,’ she said.
‘What’s sorted?’ Lily asked, coming in from the office, where she’d spent twenty minutes cleaning the skirting boards, which she’d complained were a disgrace. Lily couldn’t relax in the presence of dirt and she needed distraction.
What in hell is the cleaner doing? ‘The house is off the market, the furniture will be back by the end of the week and Dad refurbished in the late nineties. It’s yours for as long as you need it.’
‘Your house?’ Lily said, mouth agape.
‘The house we grew up in.’
‘Your house.’
‘Our house.’
‘And Clooney?’
‘He watched two parents die there. He doesn’t want the money from it and I don’t need it and you’re a part of all that was good in it. Danny would be happy and proud.’
‘I was never happier than when I was in that house.’
‘I know.’
‘Are you sure? I’ll pay rent as soon as I get back to work.’
Eve didn’t care about rent and neither did Clooney, but she knew that Lily needed to feel she was contributing because that was the way Lily was. ‘Consider it a trial. If you’re happy there, buy it.’
‘It’ll be a long time before I can afford a house like that,’ Lily said.
‘We’ll do you a good deal, and the divorce settlement will more than cover the cost.’
‘That could take years, especially if Declan fights it, which he will.’
‘Maybe he will
and maybe he won’t,’ Eve said. ‘Either way we can wait.’
‘It’s charity.’
‘It’s friendship.’
‘It’s too much.’
‘Bullshit, it’s just enough.’
Eve’s taxi driver was a Londoner who had left London because he’d fallen in love with a Dublin girl. The money wasn’t as good in Ireland but he maintained it was a better life. He lived close to town and made a good living because, he told her, he had the ability to think outside the box. They pulled up to the hospital and he helped her out of the car. When she was upright, had paid him and was facing the doors, she leaned on her crutches for a moment, looking at the hospital’s name, before she made her way in.
She stopped at Reception and asked for Dr Declan Donovan’s office. When asked why she was there, she said she had been asked to quote for redecoration. Adam had told her that Declan had wrecked his office, and now all the staff in the hospital knew about it. Redecorating made sense. The woman grinned and gave her directions. She sat in the waiting area in front of his PA, who told her that without an appointment she had no hope of seeing him.
‘I disagree,’ Eve said.
‘He’s in surgery so you’ll be waiting.’
‘That’s fine,’ she said, and fished out her book.
He appeared two and a half hours later. He strode in, picked up the post from his in-tray and barely acknowledged his PA.
Eve struggled to her feet. He swung round. His face turned from shock to stone in one second. She was prepared. She grinned fiendishly, just enough to put him on edge without verging into panto villain. ‘Declan,’ she said.
‘Eve,’ he said. He paled before her eyes.
‘Do you have a minute for an old friend?’ She appeared cool but internally she was a mess. Keep it together, Eve. Focus and get this done.
He smiled at his PA. ‘Of course,’ he said, through gritted teeth.
Eve made her way slowly into Declan’s office. He closed the door behind her, then sat behind his desk and folded his hands under his chin. ‘What can I do for you?’ he asked.
She laughed. ‘This meeting is more about what I can do to you.’
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