There was only sincerity in her eyes. They conveyed nothing but trust to him.
Subaru was overwhelmed by that powerful, intense light.
After all, Rem was wrong about him. So wrong, this was a veritable farce.
Her statements valued the human being called Subaru far too highly.
He didn’t know how proud and noble the Subaru in her eyes must have been. But the real Subaru was nothing so fine a person as that.
Spouting weakness, crushed from adversity, lamenting his own smallness and pathetic misery, defeated and beaten so hard that he was running away—that was Subaru Natsuki.
“You’re wro… I’m not that kind of person… I’m…”
“I am not mistaken. Lady Emilia, Sister, Master Roswaal, Miss Beatrice, and everyone else… I know you have not given up on them, Subaru.”
She refuted him in a strong tone.
But she was wrong. He’d thrown away all of them.
“I gave up. I gave up! I can’t take them with me…my hands are too small, everything falls out of them, then I have nothing left…!”
“No, that is not so. Subaru, you are—”
Just how far, how far, would Rem go in denying that Subaru had given up?
Why, after he had suffered such humiliation, did she so deny that he was in the wrong? Just what did she see in Subaru?
It was so disturbing that he couldn’t take it anymore.
—Just what is it you’re trying to say?
“—What! Do you! Think you know about me?!”
He vented the flames smoldering inside his chest in an incandescent rage. Subaru shouted angrily, slamming a fist into the wall right beside him. With a hard sound, his knuckles broke; when he waved his fist around, blood splattered onto the wall.
“This is all I am! I have high hopes even though I’m powerless; I have all these dreams even though I’m dumb; I keep trying even though I can’t do anything…!”
Everyone had at least one thing they could do right. And everyone pushed that one thing as far as they could to find a place suited to them.
—But Subaru Natsuki didn’t even have that.
The lofty heights he yearned for were far above his station.
“I…! I hate myself!!”
Faced with the truth that he’d smiled frivolously in an attempt to hide, making light of things as he kept running from them, never facing them seriously—for the first time, Subaru admitted what he really felt.
More than anyone, Subaru Natsuki hated himself.
“I’m always nothing but talk! I’m full of myself even though I can’t do anything! I’m worse than useless, but I’m still a world-class complainer! Who the hell do I think I am?! How dare I live such a shameful life this long?! Right?!”
Because he was unable to raise himself higher, he’d tried to bring others down. Because he wouldn’t admit he was inferior to others, he tried to find fault in everyone else to protect his banal, paper-thin pride.
“I’m empty. I’ve got nothing inside me. Of course I am… Yeah, it’s obvious. There’s no question! Until I came here, until I met all of you, do you know what I was doing?!”
Before he’d fallen into another world.
What was he doing in his former world except living out his idle, boring, ordinary, unchanging days one at a time—?
“—I…wasn’t doing anything.”
He’d wallowed in idleness, slumbered in indolence, spent his days far removed from studying and effort. It wasn’t that he’d given up on himself but rather, he’d held on to the convenient idea that if the time came, he could just roll up his sleeves and do it.
“I didn’t do anything… I didn’t do one little thing! With all that time to do it! With all that freedom! I should have done lots of stuff, but I didn’t do any of it! And this is the result! The result is the man I am now!”
If he’d properly used the time he had, even Subaru would surely have achieved something. But in reality, he had grandly squandered and wasted the time allotted to him, and as a result, he had gained nothing, and nothing had come from it.
That was why, now that he actually wanted from the bottom of his heart to accomplish something, he lacked the strength, intelligence, and skill to achieve any of it.
“I’m powerless, talentless, and all of it, all of it, is because of my rotten personality…! I want to achieve something when I haven’t done anything before—conceited doesn’t even begin to describe it… I was lazy and imposed on other people; I wasted my whole life away; I killed you.”
He was unsalvageable. He was hopeless.
Even if he’d redone it all from birth, he’d probably go down the exact same path, waste his time in the exact same way, arrive there with the same feelings, and experience the same regrets. His rotten personality wouldn’t change. A shallow human nature was the only one suited to the human being called Subaru Natsuki. That fact would never change.
“That’s right, my personality hasn’t… I thought I could live here, but not a single thing’s changed about me. That old man saw right through me, didn’t he?”
When he’d remained in the royal capital, Wilhelm had instructed him in the sword at the Crusch residence. Watching Subaru be knocked down time and time again, all beat up while challenging him over and over, the old man had nonetheless seen through it all.
During those days of training, the old man had spoken of those who wield the sword, but he had shaken his head and said, “There is little point lecturing someone about what it takes to become stronger when he has already abandoned the choice to do so.”
At the time, Subaru hadn’t understood what Wilhelm was saying, so he’d denied the old man’s words—even though he knew deep down exactly what they meant.
“It’s not like I really thought I’d get stronger or I’d be able to do anything… I just went through the motions…I was just a poser trying to justify myself…”
Emilia had abandoned him after he’d put on a more miserable display than any other at the royal selection site. Unable to bear being viewed as such by those around him, he tried to protect himself by adopting the mantle of a “hard worker” where those gazes could see. His behavior was the simple product of his search for a suitable excuse.
I’m changing myself. He should have known that the thought was itself proof that nothing had changed.
“I wanted to say, I couldn’t help it! I wanted other people to say it couldn’t be helped! That’s all it was! That’s the only reason I pretended to put myself on the line like that! Even when you were helping me study, I was just putting on a show to cover up the embarrassment! I’m a small, underhanded, filthy guy down to the bone, always worrying about what other people think of me, and none of that’s ever changed…!”
His bluffs had been stripped away, and the hubris underneath had crumbled.
Once his thin shell was shattered, his vainglorious heart, not wanting to be thought of badly by others, and his ego, asserting that he wasn’t wrong, poured out.
“…Even I knew. I understood all of it was my fault, really.”
If he could yell that it was somebody else’s fault, that there was some reason for it, it was easier. He wouldn’t need to look at who he truly was. If he kept his facade intact, he’d never have to look at what was on the inside.
He wouldn’t have to look at his ugly self. He wouldn’t have others see it.
Though he was weak, selfish, and all talk, he wished to be loved nonetheless.
“I’m the worst… I—I hate me.”
Subaru was short of breath after venting all the gloomy darkness tearing him up inside.
He’d let himself have it with all the filthy, corrupt things in him since coming to that other world—no, those dark things had been in him long before in his old world.
His nature as a human made even him want to puke.
Even though he’d spewed it all out, the deep feelings in his chest only soured further. Weren’t you supposed to feel a little better aft
er you vented something pent up inside?
On top of not feeling the slightest bit better, he realized with crystal clarity just how foolish he was. The shame seething inside him made him want to die then and there. And his weakness in exposing so much filth, thinking of nothing beyond his own concerns, was the stupidest thing of all.
With Rem standing right there, still believing in him, Subaru had tried to sully and stain the beautiful picture in front of her sparkling eyes, exposing it as a fraud. And now, after all that, he was more concerned with his own standing than with her.
That was it in a nutshell.
Truly accepting and recognizing the corrupt, flawed parts of himself that he hated didn’t mean things were going to instantly improve. If anything, the depth and darkness of the chasm within him underlined just how incorrigible he was, robbing him even of his will to live.
The true character of Subaru Natsuki did not merit pity.
As Subaru sank to the lowest depths of his filthy ego, still, the blue-haired girl—
“I know this.”
“—”
“I know that Subaru is someone with the courage to reach out, even with impenetrable darkness all around him.”
—Even then, Rem would not forsake him.
5
Her absolute love, her inviolate trust, chafed upon Subaru like nothing before.
Having berated himself so much, having divulged so much of the ugliness in his heart, having confessed that he was a complete fraud, an unsalvageable piece of garbage—
—Why did she look at Subaru with such affectionate eyes?
“I love it when you stroke my head, Subaru. I feel connected to you when your hand passes through my hair.”
With Subaru fallen into silence, Rem began to express something unexpected in a soft, quiet voice.
“I love your voice, Subaru. I feel my heart getting warmer from every single word. I love your eyes, Subaru. They’re usually quite sharp, but I like how they become soft when you’re being kind to someone.”
Subaru said nothing as Rem continued, showering him with her words.
“I love your fingers, Subaru. They’re very pretty for a boy’s, but when they hold my hand, I always think to myself, ‘They really are a boy’s fingers.’ They are slender and strong. I love how you walk, Subaru. When someone is beside you, you always check once in a while to make sure you really are side by side. I love that you walk that way.”
His heart was screaming.
While Rem wove those words, Subaru’s chest cried out.
“…Stop it.”
“I love your face when you sleep, Subaru. You’re as defenseless as a baby. Your eyelashes are just a little bit long. Your cheeks are so gentle when I touch them, and even if I touch your lips to tease you, you don’t notice… I love it so much that it makes my chest hurt.”
“Why…?”
Why was she still talking?
Why was she still able to toss out such compliments at Subaru, the useless fool that he was?
“You said that you hated yourself, Subaru, so I wanted you to know that you have so much good in you.”
“None of that is real…!”
Rem was looking at a convenient illusion.
The real Subaru wasn’t that kind of person. The real him was filthier than that. His genuine self was ugly, the exact opposite of the one she viewed so favorably.
“You just don’t understand! I know more about myself than anyone else!”
“You only know about you, Subaru! How much do you know about the Subaru I see?!”
Reflexively, Subaru raised his voice, but Rem’s shout was even louder than his own.
Subaru was shocked. It was the first time she’d raised her voice since they’d arrived here.
The shock made his breath catch in his throat. At long last, he realized that Rem’s eyes, dutifully maintaining their neutral expression, had large teardrops welling in them.
Of course hearing Subaru’s confession had hurt her.
Of course listening to his extreme masochism had brought pain to her kind heart.
Yet even so, she believed in Subaru.
Rem knew all the horrible things within him that he had told her about, and she believed in Subaru despite them.
“Why do you…? So much… I’m weak, puny… I’m running away…! Even now, I’m running away just like I did before, so why…?”
Why do you believe in a pathetic, unreliable guy drowning in his weakness like me…? If I can’t believe in myself, how can you…?
“—Because you’re my hero.”
When those words of unconditional, infinite trust hit him, Subaru’s heart quietly trembled.
No matter what awful conditions piled atop one another, no matter what flaws he might have, that one sentence was infused with the hope that he would come running and chase evil away.
And far too late, finally Subaru realized it.
He was wrong. He’d thought wrong. He had been so, so wrong.
He’d thought that she, Rem, was the only one who’d allow Subaru to fall as far as he needed to, that no matter how weak, pathetic, and humiliated he was, she’d forgive him—and he’d made a mistake.
It had been an error, a lethal degree of foolishness.
—Rem was the one, the only one, who would never allow Subaru to give in.
Everyone had told Subaru that he didn’t have to do anything, that he should just behave himself. They had said that they expected nothing from him and that his actions were futile.
—But it was Rem who would not permit Subaru to be weak.
She was the only one who’d kept saying, Stand up. Don’t give up. Save everyone.
No one expected anything from Subaru. But she had refused to abandon him, even when he had abandoned himself; nor would she accept his giving up.
Such was the “spell” that Subaru Natsuki had cast upon her.
“In that gloomy forest, a world where I had lost myself, a world where I could only lash out without thinking, you came and saved me.”
“—”
“When I woke and was unable to move, when Sister was exhausted from having used too much magic, you stood up and faced the demon beasts as a decoy so that we could escape.”
“—”
“You had no chance of winning, and your life was truly in danger, but even so, you survived…and when you returned to my arms, you were warm.”
“—”
“When you woke up, you smiled and said the words I most wanted to hear, at the time I most wanted to hear them, and you were the person I most wanted to hear them from.”
One by one, she enumerated the “spell” that Subaru had cast upon her.
Those spells had bound her deeply kind heart with the chains called trust, and these firmly bound her until that very moment.
“On that fiery night when I lost everything except Sister, time stopped for me, never to move again.”
Rem gazed squarely at Subaru as she spoke of a fragment of her terrible past.
Her gaze was infused with intimacy that had not wavered to even the slightest degree.
“My heart had stopped, frozen in time, but you softly melted it and gently made it move again. Do you know how much you saved me in that instant, on that morning? You can’t possibly know how happy I was, Subaru.”
“That’s why,” said Rem, placing a hand on her chest as she continued.
“—I believe in you. No matter how much you might suffer, no matter how much things seem to be going against you, even if no one else in the whole world believes in you, even if you cannot believe in yourself—I believe in you, Subaru.”
As Rem spoke, she took a step forward, closing the distance.
They were close enough to touch. Subaru, hanging his head, did not move as Rem reached out with both arms, wrapping them around his neck.
Even though there was very little strength in the pull, the unresisting Subaru could not avoid her embrace.
Though Subaru wa
s taller, Rem held his head to her chest, and he heard her voice from directly above as she said, “The Subaru who saved me is a real hero.”
From the slippery sensation on his forehead, he knew she had brushed it with her lips.
Heat spread from where she’d touched him. Incomprehensible emotions welled up deep inside Subaru’s chest.
Blood flowed through his unmoving limbs. The static filling his skull began to clear—
“No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t save anyone.”
“I’m here. The Rem you saved is right here, Subaru.”
“I’m empty. There’s nothing inside me. No one’ll listen to me.”
“I’m here. If they are Subaru’s words, I want to hear whatever they might be.”
“No one expects anything from me. No one trusts me… I…hate myself.”
“I love you, Subaru.”
The hand that touched his cheek was hot. Her eyes, gazing at Subaru from up close, were moist.
That look, everything about her, made him accept that she was truly sincere.
“You’re…fine with a guy like me…?”
He’d tried over and over, redone over and over, and he had nothing to show for it.
Everyone died. His hand never reached them. He’d let everyone die. His thoughts were inadequate. He was empty, powerless, dumb, late to act, a blockhead dragged around by his desire to protect someone.
Was he really good enough for her?
“I’m fine with you, Subaru.”
“—”
“I don’t want it to be anyone else.”
If he, who could not believe in himself, had someone who had faith in him…could Subaru Natsuki fight?
—He didn’t have to give up on fighting Fate?
“If you really are that empty, if you have nothing, if you cannot forgive yourself—let’s start over, here and now.”
“Begin wh…?”
“Just like how you made time move again for me, we can make the time that stopped for you move again, right now.”
He had taken his regret and shame at his past of achieving nothing, his days of doing nothing, his hours spent in waste and idleness, and tried to give up.
Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World-, Vol. 6 Page 20