Much the same as seeing the image of Gisele in Octavian’s thoughts, this new information added valuable pieces to the overall puzzle, and new understanding followed. The greatest blow to Octavian had been the realization that Gisele had purposely set him up and offered him to me. In order to show him how much she loved me, to make it sink in that she would never return his love, she’d fashioned a hook he was sure to swallow, and I was the fishing pole to reel him in. Once he was flapping around on dry land and gasping for breath, Octavian had quickly gotten the message.
Gisele had used us both, playing on the tension between us and happily pushing us both around the board to further her own agenda. She felt no guilt about using anyone to suit her needs. In her mind, if someone allowed himself to be used, it was his problem, but because she loved me, demonstrating just how pliable I was to her made her feel guilty.
I fished a good-sized nugget of wisdom out of that moment’s creek when it struck me that, while we are the king in our own game of life, we are most often nothing but a pawn in everyone else’s.
She nodded once in affirmation but said nothing, and we watched each other in silence for a long time. She was waiting for me to tell her that I was okay with her using me, that I’d forgiven her, but I wasn’t ready to do either just yet. “Why did you leave?” I bit out harshly even though I suspected that I already knew the answer. She pondered both the question, and its purpose, for some time, as if she didn’t already know the answer.
“If I had been here, you would have known, and you might have made different choices. You must make your own choices,” she explained simply, with a shrug, as if it were obvious, but I didn’t believe that was the whole truth. In her voice there was a catch that piqued my curiosity.
“You thought I’d kill him; part of you hoped for it.” Obviously an accusation, and I could tell by her expression that it was accurate and that it had wounded her further.
“It would not have mattered, either way. I forever love and support you, no matter what.” Her quiet words were full of assurance, and there was no doubting that she believed them wholeheartedly, but I did wonder if she knew exactly what they meant. When it came to me, Gisele didn't think things through very well sometimes. We were a lot alike in that respect.
“Even if I have to destroy you?” I asked quickly, the words making me cringe inwardly. I’d started that statement meaning to be flippant, but it came out grave and serious, saddening me inexplicably, as if somewhere deep inside, I felt it might actually come down to that.
“Especially then,” she replied without hesitation, eyes on the floor and her voice the slightest of whispers. And then she looked up, her obsidian eyes tinged pink. “I would never put you in that situation. I will not harm your mortal companion, Jason. I love you far too much to wound you like that, and I will gladly help you destroy anyone who does. I stand by you, now and always, unconditionally.”
I was floored by her admission despite the fact that I wasn’t sure I fully believed it. Gisele wasn’t the type to do anything unconditionally. Then again, she wasn’t the type to make idle statements, either.
I don’t think I fully understood the depth of her love for me until that moment, but I was sure I’d never forget. I was ready to forgive, and she knew it. “I appreciate that,” I responded sincerely in a low tone, my head swimming with love and forgiveness. “Come with me when I visit her again.” That just flew out of my mouth, floating through the room before I was even aware that it’d been on my mind.
Gisele’s eyes went wide, her shock greater than mine. I’m pretty sure that was the last thing she had expected from me, though I knew she had wanted such an invitation since our first conversation about Alicia, wanted very much to meet any being who could move me as Alicia so obviously did. “Are you certain she can handle that?” she asked tentatively, and it was unlike Gisele to care one bit about a mortal, demonstrating more effectively than actual words that she understood how much Alicia meant to me.
“She trusts me, and I did tell her that she might meet some of you one day.” Gisele raised her eyebrows at this, and I quickly added, “Though I never intended to bring her around here.”
“When?” she asked after mulling over my words and all their implied meaning. The eagerness in her voice set me on edge somewhat.
“If you promise to be good, we’ll go tonight,” I answered, my voice low. She looked mildly affronted by my insinuation that she might not be on her best behavior. “Don’t give me that look,” I said gruffly. “I see how you talk to Phobos now.” She looked away, both of us knowing that I was right. Gisele treated Phobos very differently, often with great petulance and jealousy, and if anyone had reason to be angry and resentful of events and situations, it was Phobos. My relationship with her began well before the Ancients were resurrected from their long Slumber, and she had been intrinsic to helping me come to terms with being revenant. She had been my ally, my friend and my lover, helping to soothe many of the things that plagued me during that tender time, and in the end, it had not been enough to stop me from falling completely in love with Gisele.
“I will be good,” she said softly, still not bringing her eyes back to mine, and I moved to kneel in front of the chair where she sat.
“Hey,” I called, placing my hands on her legs, and she finally looked at me, the depths of her eyes inundated with a very private, very deep anguish. “Whatever I have with Alicia is fleeting. I am yours forever. Remember that before you play the jealousy card, okay?” I reminded softly, my fingers kneading the muscles of her thighs.
I’m not quite sure when my idea of love and relationships mutated, but it was definitely after my Conversion. When I was mortal, I believed that loving someone, truly loving someone, made wanting another impossible. As a revenant, that is impractical for many reasons, but three in particular. First, our lifetime is many times longer than a mortal lifetime, making monogamy extremely difficult. Secondly, the human reflex in all revenants causes intense attraction toward mortals. These attractions are, more often than not, unhealthy and dangerous, but that only adds to the temptation. Finally, revenants are capable of wanting something on many different levels.
I’ve said before that this was relatively new territory to me, and I guess I justified my relationship with Alicia by clinging tenaciously to two beliefs: I could never share with a mortal what I shared with Gisele, so no amount of mortal contact could possibly diminish what I felt for her, and the specter of my failure with Cassia deeply disturbed me and directly affected my relationship with Gisele. It had to be dealt with before I could get past it, although the question of whether or not my relationship with Alicia could actually help me forgive myself for Cassia was still anyone’s guess at that point.
Whether or not those beliefs actually justified my relationship with Alicia is entirely debatable. It’s possible that I only used them to suit my desires and to make my burden a little lighter, but that doesn’t change the fact that, at the time, both beliefs were absolutely true.
In my defense, if in fact I need one, I could also point out that Gisele had bedded more than a few mortals before feeding on them, but to be fair, I think that’s comparing apples to oranges because the sex meant little to her. It was simply a precursor to their precious blood, and often it was the very thing that lured them into her trap. I seriously doubt she has ever loved a mortal, even when she was one.
Her wonderful thighs went slack under my skillful touch, and she looked as if she might move beyond misty and into tears, which would have floored me because Gisele didn’t cry. It just wasn’t in her makeup. She seemed to remember this fact, and the mischievous glint returned to her eyes.
“What makes you think that I will want you forever, twit?” she asked with a roll of her eyes. I smiled, knowing sarcasm was her defense. For all her age and power, a part of Gisele was still very young and uncertain.
“I can read minds, remember?” I asked, gentle laughter beneath my voice. Her mental shield snapped int
o place immediately, and she shot me a daring look. I would never have jackhammered her shield to get in, but I could have done so, and we both knew it.
“Really?” she asked insolently. “What am I thinking now?” she challenged boldly, and I didn’t need to read her mind to know what was on it. I gave her a dry look and lifted her into my arms, carrying her to my chamber. Halfway there, she sighed.
“I fear that I am entirely too predictable where you are concerned.” Her voice was very serious, and I could tell the statement frightened her, something she didn’t like at all.
“You’d be the first woman in my life who could say that,” I replied honestly. “Believe me, it’s a welcome change.”
◆◆◆
Gisele was lying in the bed, her eyes closed and her face partially covered by silken hair. The muted candlelight added a sublime glow to her skin, the combination almost enticing me back into the bed. She lay on her side, naked, her arms drawn up to her chest. The sheet rested at the edge of her hip and fanned out so that her belly button was hidden. She wasn’t sleeping, just pretending that she wasn’t listening to the conversation I was about to have with Alicia, and for once, I appreciated the artifice. I keyed the number to my cell phone and pressed the SEND button. The line rang once before Alicia answered it.
“Charlie’s Pizza,” she said flippantly, and just hearing her voice made my heart thunder. Absently, I wondered if Gisele could hear it.
She could.
“Hello, Charlie,” I said with a smile. “Is my pizza ready?”
“Always,” Alicia answered huskily, her voice soothing me. Today’s events flitted away like so much smoke, a distant memory that had lost its teeth. “For delivery or pickup?”
“Pickup. We’ll be there soon,” I answered, holding my breath. I knew she would catch the ‘we’ part, and I was curious how she would take the news.
“We?” she intoned, her curiosity seeping across the radio waves, but she didn’t really sound all that surprised.
“Yes.”
“A woman,” she said, a statement rather than a question. Her perception unsettled me, and I wondered if I was also becoming too predictable.
“Yes.” I glanced over at Gisele, and though her eyes were still closed, traces of a smile lingered about her lips. Looking to my lap, I waited for Alicia’s response.
“Will she be nice to me?” Alicia asked, and Gisele chuckled softly. I brought my gaze up quickly, spearing hers. Her eyes were open now, her face full of mirth, and I shot her a dark look that she patently ignored. That was nothing new.
“She’s promised to be on her best behavior, although that may not mean much,” I responded, my words directed more at Gisele than Alicia. Gisele’s smile fell away immediately, replaced by a withering look. She mouthed the word “twit,” and I shrugged pointedly with a look that told her she deserved it.
Alicia was silent for a moment, and then her voice was a whisper. “She’s listening, isn’t she?” Shock spread across Gisele’s face, and I knew that it mirrored my own, both of us astonished by Alicia’s perception. I laughed out loud at the sour look Gisele shot me.
“Yes, but that shut her up,” I managed to gasp between bursts of laughter. After all that had happened tonight, it felt wonderful to laugh so hard. It felt as if I hadn’t laughed so hard in a very long time.
“Are you laughing at her or me?” Alicia queried, her voice almost a growl, which just made me laugh harder. Tonight was going to be interesting.
“A little of both. Do I have to ask you to be on your best behavior?”
Alicia was silent for a beat. “I’ll be too uncomfortable to be a bitch,” Alicia returned honestly, and Gisele covered her mouth with a delicate hand to stifle her stunned laughter. A perfect, white breast was now visible, the pale reddish nipple extended. I could tell by her reaction that she had already begun to like Alicia. Definitely a good sign.
“You have nothing to worry about,” I said softly, my voice sober and frank.
“I’ll take your word for it,” she shot back wryly, and I shook my head in an attempt to stifle the goofy smile that wanted to come, and I’m pretty sure I only partially succeeded. Alicia paused for a moment, waiting for me to respond. When I didn’t, she continued, “I’ll be waiting.”
“See you in a bit,” I answered, terminating the call. As I lowered Gisele’s cell phone, I eyed her closely. For some reason, her opinion of Alicia mattered a great deal to me, and she knew as much. I swear she kept her silence just to let me stew.
“I can see why you like her,” she admitted after a while, and strangely, there was no jealousy in her tone. “Does not that kind of familiarity with a mortal bother you?” Gisele’s awkward sentence structure stemmed from the fact that she never used contractions. It was actually kind of funny to hear her spill colloquialisms without contracting any of the words. I teased her about it all the time, but now was not the time.
“Normally, it would,” I replied sincerely. “But, with Alicia, it’s an essential part.”
“Because of Cassia,” Gisele whispered softly, her eyes holding mine. “Because you continue to feel responsible for what happened.”
“I am responsible,” I replied tersely, her words striking a raw nerve.
“Ohh, that is right. I had forgotten that you are responsible for everything that takes place in this world,” she shot back sarcastically, her eyes rolling in a very mortal expression.
I took a deep breath and bit back the scathing reply on my tongue. I did not particularly want to deal with this subject at that moment, but I probably needed to. Letting the breath out in an audible rush, I replied, “Gisele, you don’t understand.”
“You are right, love. I do not. You are no more responsible than anyone else, and why you see it any differently is beyond my understanding. You did not choose to become one of us.”
“No, but I chose to live as one,” I countered, “and because of that, I’m the only one to blame.”
“Really?” she asked at once, her eyebrows shooting up. “Did you really have any choice at all? Would your death have been any better for her?”
“It would’ve been easier,” I whispered, my voice so small that I could barely hear it myself. My head felt like it weighed a ton, and I dropped my eyes to the floor.
“Just for you, love. Only for you.” She slipped out of the bed and crossed the room without making a sound. She eased into my lap, taking my face in her hands and moving it to look at her. I wanted to resist, but her touch made quick work of my defenses. When I finally looked at her, I saw only love in her eyes, and she pulled close, gently pressing her lips to mine. She kissed me once before pulling away just enough to break the contact. “By living, you have done great things for all of us, including Cassia, and it is time you saw that.”
I sighed. Somewhere inside, I knew she was right, but I didn't want to admit it, to myself or her. Instead, I pulled her close and stroked her hair.
◆◆◆
I knocked on the heavy wooden door to Phobos’ chamber, and I realized again that I was ravenous. Caught up in everything going on, I had ignored the BloodHunger completely, and now it was drilling into my brain with jagged, rusty tentacles. Shoving it aside once again, I heard her voice. “Enter,” she said formally, and I could hear the rustling of fabric on the other side.
Another brief battle with the BloodHunger caused me to miss the fact that there were two revenants on the other side of the door, rendering me markedly unprepared for the scene beyond as I pushed it open: Phobos, leaning casually against one post of a bed identical to mine, though she loved hers, and Kane standing beside it, his shirt half-buttoned and rumpled, a thin stream of Blood trickling from the wounds in his neck that were already beginning to heal.
Irrationally, my jealousy exploded, causing collateral damage to the frayed and weary barrier that held my temper at bay. Even as I was beside myself with anger, I realized that I had little reason or justification for being so angry, but it didn’t
make a difference. I made no secret that I loved Gisele more than I loved Phobos, and I staked no claims on her, but Kane? To say that I was completely caught off guard is a woefully inadequate statement, and it was an earth-shattering feeling. Compounding that, I felt incredibly betrayed by both of them.
As the thunder cleared in my head, I fully understood the reasons behind his earlier visit to my chamber. I was so preoccupied with Octavian that I never bothered to read his thoughts or care what it was he wanted to say, and the rage had distracted me to such a degree that I failed to notice the subtle changes in him that could only come from the taking of powerful Blood. His skin was a little smoother, his hair a little glossier, and his eyes a little brighter.
Frustration at my own obstinance made me growl, a low, ugly and feral sound. I took two steps toward Kane, my hands tightly fisted, my mind blank save for the blinding rage. Kane went pale, his eyes flickering from Phobos to me and back again, and Phobos recognized his distress and laid her hand on my arm. She didn’t really think I would hurt him; the gesture was more to comfort him than to stop me. “Kane, leave us,” she said firmly, her touch stalling my progress. Kane did not need to be told twice, and he was out of the room before I could blink. I had never seen him move so fast.
Stop it, Sweet, Phobos commanded gently, her mental voice soothing but firm. She always preferred to speak mind to mind, and it took an exceptionally gifted revenant to sustain that method of conversation for any length of time. Her slight frame bore no hint of the awesome metaphysical power at her command, and even the Ancients have a deep respect for her abilities. She possesses a singular mastery of the BloodHunger that most revenants only dream of, and she had helped me control mine from the very beginning, before I was strong enough to simply ignore it. It was this bond that was most responsible for the bridge spanning the chasm between our revenant stations, and I have never treated her as anything but an equal.
Corrupting Alicia Page 11