She takes out her mobile and rereads the email to Roger over which she deliberated for so long. The drafts became longer and longer until, in the end, she gave up attempting to explain, accepting that there was no point. No point in offering reasons, no point in heaping blame upon him or on herself, no point in wallowing in apologies. It is brief and to the point:
R
I am not coming with you on the cruise. I hope it gives you time to rest and relax.
I do not want to be married to you any more. No animosity, no blame, no apologies. We can discuss matters on your return. I will not be reachable in the interim.
Bon voyage.
E
Whatever she says, it is unlikely that Roger would understand. For now, the email will stay in her Drafts folder and, shortly after the ship’s departure, she would press ‘Send’. She will stop en route to call the children to tell them. Roger will no doubt rant and rave and tell everyone she is having a mid-life crisis, she must be menopausal, she must be mad. Frankly, she couldn’t give a flying fuck.
In the hall is everything she needs for now: her son’s old backpack with her clothes, her warm, waterproof jacket, her walking boots, the holdall and folio with her tools and paper. Sarah said that they barely use the Suffolk cottage at this time of year anyway. She can have it for as many weeks as she likes. She transfers the bags to the boot of her car, takes one last look around the house. It is lovely, she thinks, yes, but largely because she made it that way. In the end, it is just a building.
Later, there will be the difficult part, she knows, but she will manage, as she always does. Now, at last, she is no longer afraid. Solitude holds no shadows for her. She does not need to be Satellite Eleanor any more. She is not even sure she can blame Roger entirely for pulling her into his orbit because, after all, she is a grown-up, and she allowed it to happen. It is a very sobering thought, an uncomfortable one, one she will have to take out and look at many times, she knows. But, for now, while she is feeling brave, there is this journey to make, a new trajectory. If she thinks about it too much, she knows she will never go. If she pauses too long, she will order a taxi to take her to the station and get on the train to Southampton and all will be as it was before. She will meet Roger in the cabin and have cocktails on the balcony and she will smile and listen and say she’s fine when she isn’t. But it is time. The clock has stopped on her old life and sometimes that is just how it is. She cannot do it any more.
Eleanor takes a last look around the hallway, slips out into the world, and shuts the door quietly, finally, behind her.
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Some people like to begin at the end.
Acknowledgments
Writing a novel is a long and largely lonely business, so I would like to thank the following for their support and guidance:
The British Museum, especially past and present staff of the Prints and Drawings department and Conservation and Scientific Research: Western Art on Paper, who showed me round and answered my innumerable questions.
David Gentleman, a legend in his own lifetime, who patiently answered my questions about wood-engraving, showed me his studio, tools, printing press etc, and also checked the passages on engraving after I’d written them.
My dear friend and fellow writer Sarah Monk, who read the first draft in progress and always came up with particularly incisive and wise insights, and also special thanks for valuable help and inspiration from my other good writing friends Lucy McMaster and Renee Knight.
The members of my former writing group, for their encouragement and constructive comments on early chapters of the first draft, which they had to read out of context and out of sequence.
Sophie Wilson and Richard Skinner, for their professional expertise.
Luci Eyers, who provided me with technical information on painting with egg tempera and checked the relevant text.
Richard Carvalho and Angus Walker, for their continued faith in me despite the lack of reasonable supporting evidence.
My editor and copy-editor at Boldwood Books, Sarah Ritherdon and Yvonne Holland, for their great attention to detail, to designer Alice Moore for a wonderful cover, and to the diligent proof-readers Sue Lamprell and David Boxell.
My agent, Charlotte Robertson, for her unflagging encouragement and support, keen editorial instincts, and innumerable breakfasts.
My friends, who help keep me sane, especially Luce ‘W’, Janine, and Sarah.
Larry for his continued enthusiasm and support, in spite of everything.
My sister, Stephanie, always my favourite writer.
More from Claire Calman
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About the Author
Claire Calman is a writer and broadcaster known for her novels that combine wit and pathos, including the bestseller Love is a Four-Letter Word. She has appeared on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour and Loose Ends.
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Boldwood Books is a fiction publishing company seeking out the best stories from around the world.
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First published in Great Britain in 2020 by Boldwood Books Ltd.
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Copyright © Claire Calman, 2020
Cover Design by Alice Moore Design
Cover photography: Shutterstock
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The moral right of Claire Calman to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This book is a work of fiction and, except in the case of historical fact, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Every effort has been made to obtain the necessary permissions with reference to copyright material, both illustrative and quoted. We apologise for any omissions in this respect and will be pleased to make the appropriate acknowledgements in any future edition.
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Paperback ISBN 978-1-83889-505-1
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Growing Up for Beginners Page 37