“I intend to.” Cora closed her sister off. She’d get no sympathy there and hadn’t really expected any. She nodded to the right. “Here comes John. If you don’t mind, I’ll let you walk with him.”
“Sure, go ahead.” Vickie waved her on.
Cora quickened her step, following the narrow trail made by her family. By the time she got there, they were all talking at once while Nicholas jumped from one returned traveler to the other. Lenny had Ben around the waist and wouldn’t let go.
Father stood with one arm around Mother and the other around Eliza. Cora turned her back to them. “Lenny, let me have a turn at Ben.” Cora peeled the little boy from his idol. “Go give Father a hug.”
As soon as Lenny left, Cora threw her arms around her big brother. “You don’t know how I’ve missed you. I’m so glad you’re finally home.”
“Me too.” Ben’s wide grin left as he searched Cora’s face. “I have a lot to tell you, but this isn’t the best time.”
“About George?” Cora shivered from Ben’s serious expression. “Please, Ben, is he all right?”
“He’s fine.” Ben gently squeezed Cora’s shoulders. “Let me get this wagon the rest of the way home and tend to the horses, then I’ll tell you all about it.”
“Did you give him my letter?” Cora had waited too long for answers.
“He wasn’t there, Cora. He’s back east. In law school. I mailed your letter to him.”
“When is he coming?” What was Ben saying? Nothing made sense.
Ben sighed and looked away. “I may as well tell you. His mother mentioned another girl.”
Another girl? What did that mean? She and George had been inseparable as long as she could remember. Numbness crept through her limbs. Had George forsaken her for someone else? She’d poured her heart out in that letter for no reason. George wouldn’t be coming. He’d laugh and the girl would laugh with him.
Humiliation. Rejection. Fear. Pain. Emotions raged within as the roar of a whirlwind filled Cora’s heart and mind. She turned from Ben and met Mother’s smiling face. She’d gotten her way. Cora lost all hope. Her life was over. She stumbled away. She walked, then she ran, stumbling in her grief. As in a dream, she heard Father call her name, but she didn’t stop.
Vickie and John called to her when she ran past them. Sharp pain ripped through her heart. Ben’s words had cut out the part of her that belonged to George. The man she loved no longer loved her. He didn’t want to marry her. She’d have to marry a man twice her age. Unless—
New purpose possessed her, lending wings to her feet. There was only one way out and she must take it. Hurry, before the others returned to the house. Everything would be over by then.
She fell through the door of the house. The quiet, empty house. Stumbling across the floor, she found her parents’ room. In the corner, she groped on the top shelf and grasped the bottle hidden away out of the small children’s reach. Laudanum. Her hands trembled until she could scarcely open it.
Only a small amount remained in the bottom. How much would it take? What had she heard? One ounce? A half ounce? Was there enough? If she didn’t succeed, she’d be forced to live the rest of her life in servitude to a man she’d hate. Death was good. There, she would cease to exist. Slowly, as in a trance, she lifted the bottle and took a mouthful.
Fear mixed with the bitter, brown liquid, and she spewed it from her mouth, choking and gagging. She didn’t want to die. Had she swallowed any? Oh, surely she had. She’d changed her mind too late.
Her pulse raced, and she pressed against her temples. Now Father would be sorry he’d driven her to this. Mother would grieve for another child lost. At least her death would keep them from doing the same thing to Eliza. The empty bottle clattered to the floor.
Cora turned from the room and staggered to the ladder leading upstairs. She slipped on the rung and fell to the floor, her face slamming against Father’s stuffed chair. Dazed and hurting, she lay still for a moment before sitting up. With her fingers probing the side of her face she felt the tenderness, but could find no blood.
After a while, she pulled herself up the ladder, holding on until she reached her room and collapsed across her bed. A fog entered the room, her best dress floated from its hook on the wall and danced in front of her, taunting her. “No.” She closed her eyes against the spectacle and sank into a black abyss where no one could ever find her again.
~*~
“Cora.” Father stood on the bank and called her. “Cora, wake up, honey.”
He was so far away. It was so dark. He couldn’t see her, so she didn’t answer. He’d never find her here.
Other voices joined his. Jumbled together as if they floated on the wind, first Ben’s, then Mother’s. Vickie and Eliza. Father’s deeper voice. And John. Nicolas and Lenny. Someone sobbed. Or was that laughter? Their words became the buzz of bees. Something was wrong. Why was she hiding? She tried to ask, but someone moaned instead.
The touch on her shoulder seemed real. She pulled away. Death. She wanted to die. No, she didn’t want to die. Had she? Why wasn’t she alone? She shouldn’t exist in death. She shouldn’t be able to feel. See. Hear. This was not what she expected.
“Cora, can you hear me?” Father’s voice intruded. His hands shook her, lifted her. Gently draped her over his shoulder. “Ben, go ahead of me. Help me get her down the ladder.”
“What’s wrong with her, Orval?” Mother’s voice pulled her toward the light.
Cora kept her eyes closed. They were bringing her back, and she didn’t want to leave. She didn’t want to stay. Confusion clouded her mind.
“I would assume she’s fainted. We’ll get to the bottom of this later. Get the smelling salts.” Father turned. Cora whirled and dropped. Father’s shoulder dug into her stomach. Why were they bringing her back to life?
“Her head should be down so the blood will rush to it.” Ben sounded so close. Had he come into her dark place?
“Is Cora dead, Father?” Lenny sniffled.
“No, she isn’t dead.” Eliza sounded angry. “She just fainted.”
“Dear God, no!” Mother cried out.
“What is it, Opal?” Father jerked away. Cora’s eyes opened. She squeezed them against the sudden light.
“This. She hasn’t fainted. It’s the laudanum. She took it all. I found it on the floor.”
“Laudanum?” Father’s voice vibrated in Cora’s head. “She knows better than that. Why would she do such a thing?”
“I have no idea.” Mother began crying.
“She talked to you last, Ben. What did you say to her?” Eliza still sounded angry.
“Nothing. Just that George wasn’t coming. I didn’t tell her anything that’d make her do this.”
“Oh, yes, you did.” Eliza’s voice rose. “Father, she tried to kill herself. She didn’t want to marry Mr. Reid. She thought George would rescue her.”
“You mean she did this on purpose?” Father shouted.
Cora winced from the anger. She tried to snuggled back into the dark. She didn’t like the noise. Father leaned over her. “Let’s get her up.”
Hands pushed and pulled until Cora sat up like a rag doll. Someone tugged her feet to the floor and pulled her to stand. They draped her arms over their shoulders and walked with her, dragging her at first. Why wouldn’t they leave her alone?
Scraping sounds, voices, hands pulling her this way and that invaded her cocoon. A burst of cold air hit her warm body and she jerked. Someone wiped a cold, wet cloth over her face. She struggled to get away from them.
“That’s it, Cora. Come on back to us, honey.” Father pushed into her darkness. “Let’s take her outside. The cool air seems to be reviving her.”
Someone pried her mouth open and thrust something in, filling her mouth, pushing against her throat. She gagged.
“What are you doing?” Mother’s scent of lilacs reached for her.
Father spoke close. “She’s got to vomit and get that stuff up. It’s our only hope.”
Again, he stuck his finger down her throat and reflex took over. Her stomach contracted and she spewed vomit. “That’s good, Cora. Get it all up.” His voice held so much love and kindness.
“Walk, honey, walk.” Father held her up, forcing her to move.
If only he’d leave her alone. “G’way.” Her words slurred.
Laughter and shouts of joy surrounded her. “Come on, Cora. Keep walking.”
“No! Leab me lone.”
“Mother, she’s going to be all right.” Eliza’s happy, tear-filled voice sounded loud to Cora.
Did Mother even care? Cora forced her eyes open. Mother stood close with tears streaming down her face. Maybe she cared on some level, but not enough. Anger filled Cora. She’d been treated unjustly by Mother and Father. She wanted to tell them. Strength crept into her muscles, and she began to walk on her own. With Father on one side and Ben on the other, she kept pace through the dusk of evening. Back and forth they walked until Father stopped her.
“Let’s go inside where we can sit down. I think you’ve had enough.” He hugged her close and kissed her forehead. “I don’t understand, but I’m awfully glad to have my little girl back.”
Cora sat on the sofa between Father and Mother. Father put his arm around Cora. She leaned forward to get away from his touch and hissed between her teeth. “I’ll do it again.”
Father leaned forward and peered into her face. “Why, Cora? Please tell me what’s wrong. Let me fix it for you.”
“Fix it!” Cora swung to face her father, and her head spun. She clamped a hand to her forehead, holding it steady. “Don’t you think you’ve fixed enough?”
She burst into tears and buried her face against her knees.
“I don’t understand. Will someone tell me what I’ve done? Cora, what’s so terrible you’d try to kill yourself as soon as I came home?” Bewilderment colored Father’s voice.
Eliza spoke then. “Father, she’d rather die than marry Mr. Reid.”
“Marry Mr. Reid? She doesn’t have to marry anyone.” Father almost shouted the words. “Where would she get a fool notion like that?”
Silence descended, and then in a quiet, accusing voice, he again spoke. “Opal, you had no right. We agreed to wait until I returned before we even mentioned that to Cora.”
Frozen by the steely anger in Father’s voice, Cora’s sobs quieted, and she lifted her head to look first at him and then at her mother. She’d never seen Father so angry or Mother so frightened.
Mother dabbed at her red-rimmed eyes with a hanky. She looked past Cora. “You don’t understand, Orval. She was going to run away. I had to do something to stop her.”
“Run away?” An expletive burst from Father’s lips. “What more is there? Have I been gone so long for this family to fall apart?”
“Father?” Eliza, sitting on the floor, leaned closer. “May I tell you everything?”
“I would be most grateful if someone would.” Father let out a breath of air. “Please do.”
Eliza started her story with Mother finding Cora’s sack of possessions behind her best dress. While her sister talked, Cora tried to make sense of everything. Father said she didn’t have to marry anyone. He seemed confused that she thought she had to marry Mr. Reid. Maybe Mother had made the decision without his permission. Hope sprang anew within Cora. Mother had no say unless Father backed her. She didn’t have to marry that man.
With the realization, Cora concentrated on Eliza’s voice.
“And so Cora’s last hope was gone when Ben said George wasn’t coming. Of course, I don’t think she should’ve tried to kill herself even if she didn’t want to marry an old man.” Eliza always sounded so self-righteous.
Cora met her father’s tender gaze. He didn’t appear angry now. His obvious love brought shame to her heart. She’d misjudged him. He would never be cruel to her. Cora moved into his strong, loving embrace.
“I’m sorry, Father.” Tears flowed down her face. “I’m so sorry.”
“You’re forgiven, Cora. The ending’s what we’ll consider.” Father spoke close to her ear. “Never forget how much I love you. If you have a problem, come to me first before you try to take matters into your own hands.”
Cora nodded while her throat tightened.
When they pulled apart, Mother touched her hand. “Cora, I didn’t mean . . .”
Tears ran down Mother’s face. She’d torn her handkerchief to shreds. Never had Cora seen her so agitated, and that scared her.
“I never meant to hurt you, Cora.” Mother’s back straightened. “My children mean everything to me. Something died inside me when little Abigail was taken from us.” Her voice broke. “I don’t think I can stand to lose another child.”
“Well, you pretty near did.” Father’s voice was so hard.
Cora turned quickly. He never spoke to Mother with anger.
“I know, and I deserve your contempt—all of you.” She glanced at the rest of the family before looking at Cora. “Especially you, Cora. I thought if you married Mr. Reid, you’d stay here where I could see you whenever I wanted to. But if you go with George, I may never see you again.”
Emotions surged through Cora. Anger, betrayal, rebellion, giving way to love and understanding. Mother was not unfeeling, as she’d thought. Instead, her love and fear had been the catalyst for her harsh actions.
Cora held her hand out to her mother, bringing a fresh release of tears down Mother’s cheeks. She clasped Cora’s hand, almost hurting in her intensity. “I would’ve never forced you against your will, had I known how strongly you felt.”
Cora nodded. “I know that now, Mother.
“I’ll not stand in your way again. If you and George want to be married, you have my blessing.”
Fresh pain twisted Cora’s heart, and she couldn’t speak. George didn’t want her.
Mother turned toward Vickie. “I won’t stand in your way either, Vickie. If you and John move away from here to your own land, I’ll understand. I will help you in any way I can.”
“Oh, Mother.” Vickie brushed her damp eyes. She shared a look with John.
John cleared his throat. “Vickie and I have talked about that. We’ve decided to wait two or three months before we make a decision. We want to settle close by even then, unless you mind having us in your way?”
Father nodded. “You’re welcome to stay right here as long as you want. Just let us know what we can do to help when you move.”
A brief smile touched John’s lips. “Thank you, sir. There’s some land up the creek a ways not far from here that looks pretty good. When Vickie’s able, we’re thinking about taking a good look at it. You might be stuck with us for neighbors yet.”
While the others talked, Cora sought Ben’s attention. He smiled and knelt before her. With one arm around her and another around their mother, he held them both close for several moments. His action seemed to free the others, and before long they were all hugging and talking at once.
Cora soaked up her family’s love. What had possessed her to do something so stupid? What if she hadn’t stopped when she did? If the bottle had been full, she might have died, and for what? Simply because she hadn’t waited to talk to Father?
She leaned back against the sofa and closed her eyes. She was so tired. Emptiness, like a yawning, dark hole seemed to stretch out before her. What would she do now? Without George, she had no purpose in life.
Chapter 15
Ben rode off on Flash, the new saddle horse he’d brought back from St. Louis. Cora picked a long, green pod from her basket and pinched one end, splitting it so her thumb found an entrance to scoop the peas out into her cupped hand. If only she could’ve gone with him, but Esther and Ben wouldn’t want her interfering in their courtship. Just before he left, he said he still hadn’t told her everything. She’d have to wait for his return to hear all he’d learned about George.
She gave a soft laugh. Did she even want to know?
The effects of th
e laudanum had gradually worn off over night. Father said she hadn’t swallowed more than a drop or two, or it would have killed her. Remorse filled her, eating at her insides. How could she have given in to weakness and thought death was the way out? She should’ve trusted her father’s love more.
Father stepped on the porch while she shelled peas. “Cora, are you certain you feel well?”
“Yes, Father. Only my head hurts a little today.” She gave him a slight smile. “I’m sorry for what I did.”
He swallowed and looked away. “I hate to think what could’ve happened.”
“I know.” She whispered the words.
“Death is not an escape.”
Cora looked at Father, but he continued to stare off across his land toward the creek. His voice, when he spoke, was low. “I remember my mother praying for me. She always said this life is but a dressing room for the life beyond. I’ve not paid heed to her words. I’ve neglected the lessons of my youth. Maybe this happened for a reason, Cora. Maybe we should all take note and learn what we do now is important when our life does come to an end.”
Never had she heard Father talk so seriously. He loved fun and laughter. What had she done? Not only to herself but to the rest of her family. Remorse filled her soul.
She touched his arm. “Father, I’ve learned. Please don’t be sad because I’ll never do such a thing again. Even as I took the medicine, I regretted my actions and tried not to swallow it. I’m fine now. There’s no reason to worry. It won’t happen again. I’m so sorry.”
He gathered her into his strong arms and patted her back while tears ran down her cheeks. Then he kissed her forehead and smiled. “I’m glad to hear that. We couldn’t get along without our Cora, you know.”
A laugh that was part sob came from her throat. She smiled and brushed at her wet lashes. “I know. I love you, Father.”
He kissed her again and stood. “I love you, Cora. I’ll get out of your way so you can get your peas shelled.”
She watched him walk with strong strides across the yard toward the shelter. She’d hurt him, and she was sorry for that. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. She’d never mistrust him again. She picked up another pea pod and pinched the end.
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