“Don’t cry, baby. Hush now, don’t cry,” he said as he pulled us out of the shower and wrapped me in my robe. Eddie draped a towel around his waist then scooped me up in his arms and carried me into my room where he carefully laid me down on the bed.
“Can I stay with you tonight?”
I couldn't breathe let alone speak a reply. Eddie laid down behind me and wrapped me in his arms.
“Baby, did I hurt you? I knew you hadn’t done anything like this before, but then … well, I’m sorry. I meant it when I said I was starving for your touch. I love you, Roberta. I’ve never loved anyone like this. Please tell me you are okay. That we are okay. You’re killing me.”
Little did he know that killing him was exactly what I’d been sent to do. Eddie was my target, the means to the end of the purpose of my mission. How did I allow the lines to become blurred? I hadn’t noticed the exact moment that I’d lost sight of my goal and right then my brain couldn’t cope with its own duality. As my tormented mind tried to devise a plan, I fell asleep in Eddie’s embrace.
I awoke the next morning still wrapped in Eddie’s arms and one of his legs draped over mine so that I was trapped in his hold. His breathing was still slow and deep as he laid there in a restful repose, a peaceful expression on his face. I realized that I had never wanted to be someone else so badly. After everything that had led up to that point, I should have hated him. His existence was the driving force of my vendetta. But I didn’t hate him. I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to anymore. I had crossed so many lines last night. My heart was a bloody mess that I’d left all over the tiled floor of the shower. I’d hoped that the reminder had been washed down the drain along with the other dirtiness that clung to me.
My heart and my head were at war with each other yet again. For the first time in my life, I felt loved. It should have felt great. Amazing. Wonderful. All those adjectives that were associated with finding the one person who had fallen for you with equal measure. But, Eddie didn’t know the real me. Did he? Other than the entire truth of my past, had I not been as much of myself with him as I had with any other person in my life?
I pushed myself off of the bed and out of his trap and ran straight to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. The dry heaves racked my body as I leaned over the toilet. Eddie opened the door unannounced. I was too sick to care at that point. It was as if my body was repelling the joy that it wanted to feel. Whoever said love conquers all was a fucking idiot. My will was forcing any love I had shared or received with this man from my gut, through my chest and out of my lying mouth. I was beyond disgusted with myself.
“Go away,” I said.
“What’s wrong, Roberta?”
“I just don’t feel well. Please let me have some privacy.”
“Can’t I hold your hair back or something? Get you some water? A damp washcloth?”
His kind words only made me retch harder. I was a monster. A demon straight out of hell. He deserved better. Or did he deserve to die?
“Please leave. I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“I don’t care, baby. I want to help you. I love you.”
Now the tears flowed down my face again.
“You shouldn’t.”
“Why would you say such a thing? Is this because of last night? Baby, I’m so sorry. If I’d have known I hurt you like this I would have never showed up here. I just thought after everything that happened that I needed to show you how I feel about you. God, please tell me this isn’t why you are so upset? Do I make you sick?”
I could only cry harder at his words.
“Roberta, if you don’t love me it’s okay. I will find a way to make you love me, even if I die trying.”
“Please don’t say things like that. I don’t deserve them. I just want you to leave. Leave me alone. I can’t do this. Not now. Not ever.”
Eddie pulled back as if he had been stung.
“Um … Okay ... I, um ... Yeah ... Shit ... Fuck ... Goddamn it,” he muttered as he rose off the floor and walked out of the bathroom. He even had the decency to close the door behind him.
I slumped down to the floor into a fetal position and cried harder than I ever had in my entire life. Eventually, after I had no tears left and I knew Eddie was gone, I picked myself up off the floor and crawled back to bed. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, decades, who knows how long I laid there. My mind refused to make the decision that it needed to. I could walk away from Eddie or I could let go of the past and be with him, let him love me.
I rolled to the side of the bed as a presence applied pressure to the mattress. Of course he wouldn’t stay gone. He loved me. That’s what people do for the ones they love, right?
“We need to talk.”
I stayed silent.
“Fine. You don’t want to talk then I will.”
Silence.
“I’ve been thinking. What I did last night shouldn’t have happened. I don’t know why I came over here like that. It was wrong on so many levels. I was a man possessed,” he said as he shook his head in disbelief of his actions. “If I’d have known that this would happen, I never would have allowed things to go so far. Believe it or not, I do love you, Roberta. I just picked a shitty way to show you. If you don’t want to leave with me then I’ll stay. We will make it work somehow. I just… I just don’t want to do this without you. I don’t think I can do this without you. You’re the only thing that is good in my life anymore. Please tell me we are okay. I need to hear you say it. It’s killing me to see you this way.”
“I don’t know if we are okay. I know I’m not okay.”
“Can you at least give me some time? Don’t give up on me yet. Please. I’m begging you.”
“Okay,” I said, unsure of the consequences of my acceptance, but unwilling to fight myself anymore.
“Okay?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you, Roberta. I don’t know what I would do without you and I never want to find out.”
We lay there in bed for the rest of the day, barely speaking. Eddie’s phone rang later in the night and I knew it was Tony by the expression on his face.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” I asked after the third ignored call.
“I don’t want to.”
“He’ll keep calling. You know he will.”
“This is what I meant. This is why I want to leave. I’m tired of my father dictating my every move. I’d give up all that he has ever given me for my freedom. For our freedom.”
The voicemail alert signaled and then the text came, followed by another phone call. Eddie was right. He couldn’t get out from under his father’s thumb unless he left for good.
“I guess I better answer him,” he said as he placed a kiss on my head and walked out of the room.
I stayed in bed a moment then tiptoed out to eavesdrop on his conversation.
“Papa, I told you, I don’t want to.”
Pause.
“He didn’t ever do anything to me.”
Pause.
“Get someone else.”
Pause.
“This isn’t right. It’s not who I am.”
Pause.
“I never said I wanted to be like you and I don’t care if you are pissed.”
Pause.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
Pause.
“I’ll ask her.”
Pause.
“Okay. Goodnight. I love you, too.”
I ran silently through the house and hopped into bed. Eddie walked in a few moments later looking defeated. I realized again how similar our lives were. I’d made a mistake by letting him come back here. I should have pushed him away, made sure he left and never came back for me. Then he wouldn’t have to do whatever his father was pushing him into. Eddie’s resignation was apparent in his dropped shoulders and blank stare. He ambled towards the bed and dropped down without even acknowledging me. I turned off the side lamp and faced away f
rom him, not being able to look at him knowing that my selfishness had sealed his fate. No matter what I decided about Eddie, Tony would still have to die and I knew how much that would kill Eddie. Either way, he was fucked and it would be all my doing.
Eddie rolled over and wrapped me in his arms. “My father wants to meet you.”
Oh shit. “When?”
“Whenever you have the time.”
“Okay.”
“Goodnight, Roberta. I love you.”
Eddie wasn’t there when I woke up. I prayed he had decided to leave me behind after all. I did not have the strength to leave him or force him to go, as if my heart wasn’t ready to release the only bit of love it had ever felt. I took a shower to try and wash away the stink of the situation. I was rotten to the core and no amount of cleansing would remove the stench.
After dressing, I made my way into the kitchen to find Eddie sitting at the table waiting for me. He had brought me a café con leché and The Miami Herald. We sat at the table enjoying our morning when there was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it,” Eddie said as he stood up from the table. I wondered who it could be since Eddie and Jenks were the only visitors I ever had.
To my surprise, Willy and Gus walked in and took a seat at the table. After a quick greeting, they started to speak heatedly in Spanish, believing I didn’t understand a word and completely ignoring my presence. Years spent with Estefania allowed me to understand almost the entire conversation. It took every ounce of strength I had left not to react to what I hearing.
“Your dad wants it taken care of and soon,” Willy said.
“I already told him no,” Eddie replied.
“You don’t have a choice. You’re all in now. It’s time to prove it,” Gus chimed in.
“That agent has nothing to do with me,” Eddie said as he continued to read the paper. I could tell he was pissed, but was trying to stay calm.
“Even after that little stunt he pulled the night you met your sweet little woman over there?” Willy asked, which got my attention. I had to continue to pretend that I couldn’t understand what they were saying even though my hands were itching to reach for the gun that was still in the drawer only a few feet away from me. Jenks. Oh fucking father in heaven, they were talking about killing Jenks.
“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie said. “I don’t want you talking about this shit in this house. Not in front of Roberta.”
“She doesn’t understand what we are saying anyway … relax.”
“I said not in this house!” he yelled as he slammed his hand down on the table. “I don’t give a fuck if she understands or not. I don’t want her anywhere near this shit. Understood?”
“This conversation isn’t over,” Willy said as he and Gus got up to leave.
“Tell him …” Eddie said to their retreating backs, this time in English, “Tell him I’ll do it.”
Eddie approached me from behind and wrapped his arms around me. “You cold, babe? You’re shaking,” he said as anger surged through my veins.
“I’m fine,” I said as I stepped out of his hold. “Why don’t you invite your dad over for dinner tonight? You should invite Willy and Gus, too.”
“Okay,” he replied as he walked away and sat back down at the table to finish his coffee, as if he had not been talking about murdering someone just a few moments before. He picked up his phone and began to call and text everyone to invite them over for the evening.
I made my way into the bedroom, closing the door behind me. My body began to shake uncontrollably and I held on to the dresser in front of me for strength. After last night, I had almost convinced myself to walk away from my plan. I had almost forgotten what my purpose was. I had almost let myself forget. Every emotion I had bottled up came boiling to the surface. What had I been thinking? Like I could really have a happily ever after with Eddie? Fuck. I’d gotten tangled up in my own web. I couldn’t stay here, but I couldn’t just walk away either. I had no other choice. I had to follow through.
“Baby, you okay?”
Eddie’s voice broke me from my daymare. I looked up into the mirror in front of me to find Eddie’s face etched with concern. I hadn’t even heard him open the door.
“You look like you’re going to be sick again. We can cancel dinner tonight. Everyone will understand if you aren’t well.”
“No. I’ll be okay. I just need to do some last minute shopping.”
“You want me to come with you?”
“No. I mean, thank you, but no. I won’t be gone long.”
“You sure you’re okay?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around me, meeting my gaze in the mirror. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to enjoy one last embrace. Tonight was the night. It would be over in just a few hours. I could do this. I knew what I had to do. I’d trained for this day my entire life. Success was my only option.
“I’ve got to go meet my dad. I’ll see you tonight, okay?”
“Okay.”
Once Eddie left, I gathered what little I’d be taking with me from this house. It wouldn’t be much since I couldn’t chance Eddie noticing anything missing. Once I was done packing and ready to go out, I drove to my getaway car and loaded it up with what I’d be taking with me. I took the sedatives and poison from its hiding spot under the seat and tucked it away into my car. Then, I went shopping for the dinner I’d be serving that night, like it was just any other ordinary day.
The dinner guests arrived around seven. Tony was the last to show up, along with Ignacio and Luis who he was never without. He eyed me suspiciously as he walked towards me, appraising me with every step that he took. Eddie looked so much like him, but so far he had been spared the hardened edge that lingered in Tony’s gaze. I had imagined this moment since my father had explained the circumstances of my mother’s death and his ultimate goal, but I never expected it to go down the way that it was happening.
We stood toe to toe, eye to eye, neither of us saying a word waiting on the other to break the tension and the silence between us. His knowing stare made my stomach tighten, but I refused to show fear. Tony’s hand reached out to mine and he caressed my inner wrist with his thumb. It was too intimate a touch for Tony to share with me. If it had been Eddie’s hands, I would have melted into a puddle on the spot. Knowing that this man, this homicidal maniac, was touching me in a way reserved for lovers, only fueled the burning rage I was attempting to keep at a manageable smolder while I waited for my chance to attack.
As I watched his eyes for some clue as to what he was thinking, his grip on my wrist tightened and I instinctively tried to pull away. Once he made up his mind as to whatever he had been thinking, he yanked me towards him and placed a kiss on my temple. I held my breath and tried to contain the cringe that was trying to claw its way out. My anger turned into an ache that I felt from my teeth to the marrow of my bones. Never in my life had I ever felt the urge to kill someone with my bare hands. Tony’s proximity released all the hate I had stored up in my lifetime. Stepping back quickly to disengage from Tony’s grasp, I eyed him this time with a cool look that gave nothing away. If I showed my hand now, I would never make it out of here tonight and I would never get this kind of chance again.
“Dinner will be ready soon,” I said to him as I took another step back to put more distance between us. I flexed and fisted my fingers at my sides as I tried to rein in the overwhelming urge to strike.
Tony glanced down at my hands and cocked a brow before returning my stare once again. Instead of responding to my remark, he took a step around me, but stopped and leaned into my ear. His hot breath on my neck sent a shiver down my spine that I could not contain, no matter how hard I tried to hide my revulsion.
“He’ll never leave with you. He’s mine,” he whispered, even though there was no one around to hear him. I held my breath and tongue as he continued towards the back of the house.
“Papa, you made it,” I heard Eddie say from the other room once Tony had found his way out of the kitchen.
My hands shook violently as I poured the sedatives into the black beans. Gripping the counter, I tried to calm the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins. The exchange with Tony was meant to scare me, and he would have succeeded if I were a different person with different motives. There was a time that I would have suffered any consequence to steal Eddie away from this life, but knowing that he was planning on killing Jenks, I no longer held any misapprehensions concerning his virtue. They were all going to pay for what they had done and what they planned to do, even if I died in the process, too. It wasn’t like I had anything to live for once I’d completed my mission.
When dinner was ready and on the table, I stepped outside to invite everyone in. Eddie smiled at me like I was the most amazing thing he had ever laid eyes on and I had to fight the sadness that was wearing hard on my heart. My dear, sweet Eddie who could have been so much more than what his father had planned for him. I closed my eyes and looked away, unable to return the loving stare he was giving me.
“You okay, Roberta?” he asked as he put his arm around me and steered us into the dining room.
“I will be soon,” I said as he gave me a curious look. He placed a kiss on the top of my head and walked away to take a seat next to his father at the head of the table.
Tony insisted on saying grace before anyone ate. They hypocrisy of it all and the nervous energy I was feeling made me nauseated and the exact opposite of hungry.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” Tony asked as he eyed my empty plate.
I cleared my throat as I tried to find the right words to say. “I, um … I was waiting for everyone else to make a plate,” I replied.
Tony nodded his head and turned to Eddie with a smile on his face as I fingered the capped syringes in my dress pocket.
“So, Eddie, how did you two meet, exactly?” Tony asked as he spooned some rice and beans into his mouth.
“Well—” Eddie began before Tony interrupted him.
“These beans are amazing. Almost as good as my mother’s,” he said as he turned his gaze to me.
Eddie beamed with pride as he turned to me as well. Holy shit. I was going to be sick. Just keep eating you twisted son of a bitch, I thought as I held Tony’s stare. I could not look at Eddie. I just could not bring myself to do it no matter how much I yearned for that one last look.
The Mermaid & The Crocodile (The Kill List Series Book One) Page 16