by Bryan Bliss
Toby smiled.
“Well, no need to worry. Jimmy can’t scratch all this.” Toby moved his body, stringing together a few lewd gestures.
“So you feel fine.”
Toby stopped rotating his hips and nodded.
“Yeah, dude. I’m good. I promise.”
Toby clapped once and started gyrating again almost immediately. This time Lily called out from behind them.
“Do I need to be worried?”
Toby turned and gave Lily a thumbs-up, which made her laugh. Luke looked past Toby one last time and tried to see into Lily. To see if she was—what? Good? He didn’t know, but he looked at her long enough that Toby cleared his throat and said his name low, so Lily wouldn’t hear. Luke didn’t care if he embarrassed Toby, at least not in front of this woman.
“Why don’t you come back with me? We could hang out. The boys would love it if you were there in the morning. I’ll ask Annie to leave, if you want.”
“Leave? You need to be going back there and getting you some,” Toby said loudly.
Behind him, Lily yelled out, “I’m still not changing my mind!”
Toby leaned close to Luke. “I’m going to try and see what’s going on here. You know?”
It might’ve been the first time Toby had ever not taken an invitation from Luke to come home. And while Luke understood why, he still stood there dumbly for a few seconds, nodding.
“Yeah, I get it. Just be careful,” Luke said. “Okay?”
Toby glanced at the plane, just long enough that Luke thought he might be reconsidering. When he looked back, Luke knew he hadn’t.
“I’ll pick you up for school tomorrow,” Toby said. “If I don’t show up, call the National Guard.”
Luke didn’t want to joke, didn’t want to leave Toby in the woods alone with some woman he didn’t know, would never trust no matter what Toby said, but he still walked away. The last thing he heard was Toby laughing, and the clink of that goddamn bottle hitting the side of the plane.
16
TOBY and Lily didn’t have sex in the plane. But they talked all night. When he dropped her off, he realized it was the best day and night he’d had, maybe ever. Now, as he lay on the couch in his trailer, sun in his eyes, he was dead tired but still floating on air. All he could think about was Lily. The way she laughed. How she lifted the wine bottle to her lips, passing it so he could do the same. The subtle curves underneath her shirt.
Toby got up, walked quietly to the bathroom. As he was getting undressed, he caught a look at himself in the mirror. The new bruises were still bright, offsetting the old scars that mapped his body. What would Lily think? Would she cuss Jimmy again? As if on cue, the front door of the trailer banged open, and Jimmy yelled his name.
“In the bathroom,” Toby said, hurrying to put on his shirt. When he was younger, he thought his father might see the havoc of his body and ease up. Be convicted by the damage. It had the opposite effect. Seeing the way he bruised only solidified Toby’s weakness in Jimmy’s mind. So Toby kept covered up, no matter how hot it got in the trailer.
“Where you at, boy?”
Toby opened the door. Jimmy and Bo were standing in the kitchen, bleary-eyed but pulsing with energy. Bo drank from a carton of orange juice, only stopping to pop a mini chocolate doughnut into his mouth every few seconds. When he saw Toby, he offered the bag. Toby shook his head.
“How you feeling?”
“Fine. I’m getting ready to go to school.”
“Where were you all day yesterday?”
Toby grabbed his toothbrush and got to work, shrugging. He spit out the front door, and thought, Fuck it.
“I went to the mountains with Lily.”
If it surprised Jimmy, he didn’t let it show. Bo put down the carton of juice and wiped his mouth.
“That right?” he said.
Toby started walking back to the bathroom and Bo stopped him. “So you guys went up to the mountains. To do what?”
How could he explain sitting there in the rain? Drinking wine and watching Lily eat her guac to go? Any way he tried to frame it would sound childish. But maybe more importantly, he wanted to keep it for himself.
“Why do you care?”
Bo looked at Jimmy like, “Can you believe this kid?” But Jimmy was sitting on the couch with his arm over his eyes, barely listening.
“Maybe I’ll want to take sweet Miss Lily up to the mountains one of these days. What do you think about that?”
“I think she wouldn’t even look at you twice,” Toby said, stepping around Bo to put his toothbrush away. He grabbed his keys and his backpack and started for the door.
“You’re pretty confident.”
“And you’re an ex-con,” Toby said. “It isn’t confidence.”
Jimmy snorted. Bo’s mouth dropped.
“Ex-con? Who said I’m retired?”
Jimmy gave the man a pointed look, but Bo ignored him. He followed Toby outside, leaning against the doorframe as Toby walked to his car.
“You don’t know anything about that girl, do you?”
“I know enough,” Toby said, opening the door.
As he was pulling away, Bo was still in the doorway, the orange juice in his hands again. Swallowing right from the carton in long, rhythmic gulps.
Luke was sitting on the steps of the apartment, Annie right behind him with her arms draped over his shoulders. They were laughing about something. When Luke noticed Toby, he acted surprised. It kind of pissed Toby off. He’d said he’d be there. Luke gave Annie a kiss and then loped to the passenger door. By the time he had his seat belt on, Toby forced himself not to bring it up.
“So?”
“So, what?”
“Did you hit that?”
Luke gave him a dopey smile. “I’m laying a foundation.”
Toby laughed. “God help her.”
As they drove to school, a familiar lightness started to seep into him. He turned on the radio—Elvis, again, loudly—and began to sing along.
“What about you?” Luke said over the music.
“I’m also laying a foundation,” Toby said. “Hey, did your mom show up?”
Luke didn’t answer at first, but then he shook his head. “We don’t have practice tonight. So I’ll be home for the twins if she doesn’t come back today. Plus, it’s not like I haven’t watched the boys all weekend before.”
Toby didn’t say anything; he didn’t need to. He turned the radio up a tick and let the music be the only sound in the car until they pulled into the school parking lot. Neither of them made for the door. The bell wouldn’t ring for fifteen minutes, so Toby leaned back in his seat and thought about Lily.
When Luke spoke, Toby nearly jumped with surprise.
“So what were you doing at the Deuce?” he said.
Toby held completely still in the seat. He didn’t want to get into this again, to be forced to appease Luke while still validating the fact that he went to the Deuce. If he hadn’t gone, he wouldn’t have met Lily. Was it a mistake? Yes. No. But Luke rarely saw things other than black and white.
Toby played it off like it was nothing.
“I told you. I drove Jimmy.”
Luke barely moved, only his head fell back against the seat as he sighed.
Toby couldn’t take it anymore. “What?”
“First the Deuce. And missing school,” Luke said. “And then . . .”
Luke stopped himself, but Toby didn’t want anything left unsaid.
“And then what?”
“That woman at the plane,” Luke said. “Drinking?”
This time, Toby looked out the window. Of course Luke was right about the wine, the beers he hadn’t copped to yet. But at the same time, if Luke wanted to live his life like a monk—that was his choice. Toby had made a mistake. And it wasn’t one he wasn’t going to repeat.
“Lily isn’t a problem,” Toby said.
Luke shrugged, and it was so dismissive, so arrogant. Toby reached out and gripp
ed the steering wheel, already exhausted by the conversation.
“I don’t know her . . . and neither do you.”
“So just because we don’t know somebody, that makes them bad? C’mon . . .”
Luke shrugged again. This time, it was the smug, know-it-all smile on his lips. The way he raised his eyebrows. So Toby used the only ammo he had—Annie.
“You know what, fuck you. You don’t have shit to say to me about choices. Not lately.”
Luke finally quit the cool act, turning to Toby, surprised.
“How many times do I need to apologize to you?”
Luke leaned toward Toby, their faces only inches apart. It was enough to make Toby shut up. They sat there in silence, the last stragglers in the parking lot beginning to make their way to the doors.
“I’m sorry,” Luke said. “But I can’t help it that Annie and I, you know . . .”
Toby knew he was fighting dirty, but he didn’t understand why Luke held him to a different standard. Why Annie was okay, but Lily was dangerous. Even thinking about it made Toby want to punch Luke.
“It’s fine. I just . . .” Toby hit the steering wheel with his palm. “Lily’s good for me. I promise you. She’s just like us.”
Luke stared at him for a long time. They didn’t let people in very often. Because who else would understand? Their friendship had always been thicker than blood. Thicker than anything you could put up against it.
“I was going to bring her to see your match against Herrera,” Toby said. “I want you to meet her.”
Luke thought for a second and then said, “Sure.”
The bell rang and they both looked toward the school, already late.
Toby had just finished a quiz on a short story called “Bullet in the Brain” when the speaker in the classroom came alive and asked him to come to the office. Mr. Geiger, the bearded, hippie teacher cracked a joke about the principal, and a few people laughed. Toby grabbed his bag and shuffled out of the room.
The last time he’d been called to the office, Jimmy had been arrested for a robbery charge he ultimately beat. The cops had come to see him under the auspices of child welfare, making sure that Toby would have a place to stay for the night. However, once they got Toby alone, it was evident to him that they were fishing—looking for any checkmark against Jimmy. For a moment, Toby thought about saying whatever they needed him to say. But the truth was, he didn’t know a thing about Jimmy or his alleged involvement in a pawn-shop robbery. That night, they had a huge party at the trailer, the highlight being everybody racing around on these mini dirt bikes that had mysteriously appeared.
So when Toby got to the office, he took a deep breath and pushed through the heavy metal door. The room had the same otherworldly quality it usually did, as if the regular rules of space and time that applied in the hallways were suspended here. But that wasn’t what threw Toby. It was Lily, dressed like one of his teachers and standing at the desk.
“There you are,” she said, smiling.
“Now, Toby. I didn’t know you had such a fabulous family member.” Mr. Townsend, the principal, was practically drooling as he spoke. Toby caught his eyes flick up and down Lily.
He shrugged like, “I can’t believe she’s my . . . ?”
“Your cousin was just telling me how she’s in from Seattle.”
Cousin.
“Oh yeah. Her band broke up and she’s trying out the domestic thing,” Toby said. He turned to Lily, stone-faced. “What was the name of your band? The Boone’s Army?”
Lily nearly broke character, coughing out a laugh. Mr. Townsend’s smile faded a degree, trying to read Toby’s tone. Giving Lily a second look. He shook it off when she said, “I really appreciate you being cool about this, Bob.”
Bob. Jesus, she was good.
“Well, it’s good to know that Toby is, uh, on the mend. I think another day of rest is exactly what he needs”
He winked at Lily, who turned and smiled at Toby, like she had just pulled the biggest con ever. He wasn’t sure what to do, except stand there and keep nodding. Neither Mr. Townsend nor Lily said anything for a long moment, and then Lily reached out and tapped Bob’s hand lightly again.
“You’re a lifesaver, Bob.”
“Well,” Mr. Townsend said, clearing his throat and reaching for the sign-out clipboard.
Lily signed the paper and put a hand on Toby’s shoulder, leading him to the door. As they were going into the hallway, Toby started to ask a question and Lily shot him a death glare.
So he shut his mouth and walked out the doors of the school, into the bright, crisp day.
Lily was still tight-lipped and smiling. Toby kept looking over, waiting for her to spill the secret. He’d just walked out of school with a woman he barely knew—that part, Luke had been right about. It was exhilarating. Like jumping into a pool of cold water. And he was still in shock.
When they got to Lily’s car—a beat-up Ford Ranger—Toby couldn’t wait any longer.
“Uh, you just broke me out of school.”
“I was bored,” she said, smiling at him. “And I thought maybe you’d want to be bored with me. Plus, it’s Friday. They never teach you anything on Friday.”
“Okay . . . but how did you get me out?”
Lily laughed once to herself. “Listen, I could’ve told Bob I was taking you back to my house to have wild sex, and he wouldn’t have said a thing.”
“Uh. You said you were my cousin. It might’ve raised a red flag or, like, five thousand.”
She waved the concern away.
“I would’ve changed that part. Don’t be ridiculous,” Lily said. “The point is, people like Bob will do anything a woman tells him to do. I knew that as soon as I saw him. So no need to go with plan B.”
“Oh my god,” Toby said. “Do I want to know plan B?”
Lily smirked. “I was going to tell him I was your youth pastor and I needed you for an emergency prayer warrior meeting. And yes, I’m going to hell. But at least now you’ll be there with me.”
Toby laughed. “I didn’t do anything!”
“You’re complicit. You should go right back into that school. That’s the only way your eternal salvation will stay secure. I’m sorry to tell you this.”
Lily hopped into the truck and cranked the engine. Toby gave a perfunctory glance back to the school. Luke would have something to say about this. But it was a matter of opinion. This was either wrong, or it was a moment—something Toby would look back on for the rest of his life.
“You coming?” Lily asked, patting the seat with a devilish smile.
Toby pulled himself up into the truck and didn’t look back as Lily sped across the parking lot and out onto the country highway that crossed in front of the school. The last thing Toby heard was the faint sound of the bell ringing. Telling everybody it was time to move.
January 23
T—
It’s hard to explain what it feels like to live with an ax above your neck. It’s like trying to describe love, or maybe even hate. They’re both nothing but feelings, right? But they’re real, more real than we probably know. And how are you going to describe love to somebody? That’s what it’s like in here: you may laugh sometimes. You might even get a few hours of sleep that aren’t haunted each night. But then something happens, and it all comes flying right back at you like thousands of daggers. All of them pointed at you from the very start.
Man, I don’t want to wake up one day and realize all of this has become normal.
And I worry that’s what’s happening to me, T.
Sister says that I can’t hold on to all of this hopelessness. That I shouldn’t wake up every day and think about how my life is basically over. Because there’s more good than evil in the world and we’re surrounded by what she calls “opportunities for joy.” That joy is something that lives outside of circumstance.
I seriously don’t even know what that means, T.
Sometimes I can’t even remember good days, le
t alone a moment of joy. But of course, Sister pushed me. Usually, I’d just say something like “pizza” or “the sun”—anything to calm her down. Once she was gone, I’d forget all about it too. But for some reason, when I was alone, I got more and more desperate to find something. Anything.
It hit me in the middle of the night.
When we first found the plane.
Dude, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that happy. You were straight up dancing around that thing, remember? Maybe that day. That day it felt like we won something.
But other than that, every single day felt like shit stacked on top of more shit. So don’t tell me that there’s good out there. Don’t tell me that we have to search it out or that some god is trying to make things right in this world. Because I don’t buy it. Not for one second.
That doesn’t stop Sister, of course. Even though she knows I’m not interested in any of that voodoo, she can’t help herself. It’s a part of her, buried deep. She could find out the world was ending and she’d probably still show up here, talking all that hope.
Here’s the thing Sister doesn’t get: hope isn’t any help to me. Hope doesn’t get me out of bed. If anything, hope will knife me when I’m not looking. Because as soon as you start hoping something’s going to happen, you get irrational. You stop seeing the world for what it really is.
And I know you don’t need any proof that we live in a bullshit world, but maybe this will be the first lesson for Sister.
Because they gave Eddie a date.
In two weeks, he’ll be gone. They’ll kill him. Forget he ever existed.
How are any of us ever supposed to have hope?
Luke
17
LUKE was standing at his locker when Annie came up behind him and grabbed him. He jumped like a little kid. When he turned around, she fell into him. Her body, her lips—everything.
“Hey.”
She was still so close.
“Hey,” Luke managed.
“So, tonight . . .”
Luke wanted to kiss her again, wanted to grab her hand and run out of the school. He didn’t care about the fight with Toby. All he wanted was to be close to Annie. To let himself slowly become comfortable with her. To make this normal.