“You assumed we’d pick up where we left off in high school.”
“No, since we didn’t live together in high school and we’re going to now.”
“No, we’re not.” The harsh whisper sounded so strange in her ears.
“What is wrong with you?”
He wanted to jump over all the hard parts, as if they didn’t have a history, when from what she could see his communication skills still needed a lot of work. “You don’t get to use an easy pass and step right back into my life without even consulting me.”
His mouth dropped open. “You called me.”
“I didn’t invite you to take half my closet.”
He slumped back in his seat with his mouth dropped open. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He kept pushing her. She felt pressured and backed into a corner. Not that she didn’t want to be with him. She did. But she wanted him to work at it, for them to find their way together. She wanted them to go through the natural steps of dating and not fast forward simply because they had a history and were looking for easy.
“We are not living together.” She had vowed never to live with a man and was not ready to make an exception after a few great hours together.
“Why?” He out-shouted her with his simple question.
“That’s a huge step, and we’re not ready.”
He growled. Actually threw his head back and let out a loud groan that wound to a yell. When he sat back up, his eyes were alive with fire. “I swear that’s your favorite phrase. You throw it out whenever things get a little close between us, then you hide behind it.”
“That’s not fair.”
He threw his arms open wide. “And this is?”
She beat back the unwanted guilt and focused on staying strong. “We’re talking.”
“You’re kicking me out.”
“When did I say that?”
“What else do you call it?”
“You’re purposely misunderstanding what I’m saying.”
“I let my apartment go. I moved here to be with you.” He shook his head. “Why in the hell do you think it took me so long to get here after you called the first time?”
That part now made some sense, but his failure to actually state his plans during any of their phone conversations that lonely month made her wonder if he was once again trying to hide something from her. She’d been there and had no interest in going back to the days of trying to engage in mind-reading just to figure out where he had been the night before.
Sure, he was an adult, and according to their mutual friends a pretty responsible one, but he hedged and her defenses went up. She dug in, could feel every muscle in her body tense as her mind spun with worst-case scenarios. She hated that she went there, right to the bad stuff, but the memories were so sharp. She couldn’t shake them. And until she could, they needed to back up and go slow.
“You can’t make plans without my input, Paul.” Her nails dug into the wooden chair. “You’re trying to change everything and sweep me right along with you.”
“I just want to be with you.”
Her resolved softened. “I feel the same.”
He shoved the coffee mug away from him. “You’re not acting like it.”
His anger kept hers brewing. “You . . . you barged in here.”
His eyes bugged. “Barged?”
The conversation kept spinning and expanding until it took on an energy all its own. Accusations had to be next. They could circle back around and keep arguing or she could end it.
“You have to leave.”
“The house or your life?”
The idea of losing him forever this time slammed into her gut and made her stumble back. “I’m talking about not moving in together.”
“Are you sure that’s all you’re saying, because it sounds deeper to me.”
“I’m not talking to you until you move out.” She didn’t know how else to get his attention but to draw a line and refuse to cross it.
“What kind of crazy childish bullshit is that?”
“You’ll live in your house. I’ll live in mine. We’ll date like normal people.”
He wiped a hand through his hair, then stared at her. “You have to be kidding.”
“That way we can decide where we are and what we need.”
And she hoped with everything inside her they’d discover they needed each other. She’d always felt it there, rumbling in the back of her mind. She wanted a chance to investigate it. Make sure there was something worth nurturing and growing.
A nerve in his cheek twitched. “I know what I want. I don’t need to live ten minutes away to figure that out.”
“I do.”
He threw up his hands. “Of course you do. Why am I surprised?”
A deathly silence descended on the kitchen. Except for the hum of the refrigerator, nothing in the room moved or made a sound. Inside, the blood thundered through her veins and pounded in her ears.
“You’re rushing me,” she whispered when she couldn’t take the quiet one more second.
“Not anymore.” Without looking at her, he stood up and walked out of the kitchen.
Ten minutes later, Jennifer stood in the kitchen alone and stunned. The sun rose and burned through the window, but she didn’t feel the heat. A deep chill ran through her bones.
“That went well,” Heather said in a soft voice as she wrapped an arm around her sister’s shoulders and pulled her into a bear hug.
“How dare he—”
Heather broke in. “Think that three nonstop days of sex and talking and feeling great meant something?” The question didn’t carry any judgment.
Jennifer needed Heather to understand. Someone had to be on her side in this. “He just walked back into my life. I need a little time to discover what that means before we start making claims on each other and sharing a bathroom. It’s too much too fast.”
Heather helped Jennifer into the chair and then crouched down beside her. “You did call him in the first place. Wasn’t that to rekindle?”
“It was to reconnect. I didn’t tell him to move in.”
“True.” Heather pressed her warm hands against Jennifer’s icy ones. “Look, I’m sorry about my part in all of this. Ted jumped too fast, and I got caught up in it. I like you and Paul together. Always have.”
Something in her voice grabbed Jennifer’s attention. For the first time since Paul walked out, she stared at something besides the broken clock on the far wall. “You knew the whole time?”
“Ted told me on Saturday about the moving plans. I thought it was a good thing because I know how much you care about Paul, how he’s never far from your thoughts. But if I had reasoned it through I would have realized it was the wrong move, just too soon, and called to warn you.”
“It just feels like a cheat.”
“How?”
“Like he’s skipping through the tough stuff and pretending we don’t have a history or five thousand problems to wade through.”
“Okay.” Heather blew out a long breath. “I can understand that. So will he if you give him some time. Maybe don’t come down so hard.”
Jennifer’s eyes filled and her throat closed. “I don’t want to lose him.”
“I know, honey.”
“But I don’t want him to . . .” She replayed every minute of every weekend conversation in her head, checking for a comment or thread that would lead Paul to think they were jumping to the moving in stage. She found none. “What if he hasn’t grown up yet? What if this is the wrong time? We could really blow it forever if we get the timing wrong again.”
“Maybe you should forget the no-talk thing and explain all of that to him.” Heather squeezed Jennifer’s hand, then slid into another chair.
“I just wish he could figure it out without me telling him.” That would be the ultimate sign that they’d grown up.
Heather snorted. “Last I checked Paul was still a man.”
“Meaning?”
“When you let him into your bed he assumed he had some rights. For him, that was the conversation, and you were saying the same thing.”
Jennifer wanted to debate, but Heather was right. The world worked a certain way. By calling him, by dragging him into her bedroom and not letting him out, she’d sent a message. Not the one she meant to deliver, but the one he wanted to hear. And when he acted on it, she lost it.
“The Y chromosome is a dangerous thing,” Jennifer mumbled.
“But it does have its benefits.”
She remembered the perfect moments before the morning broke apart. “Can’t argue with that.”
When the front door opened and in from the cold came Heather, Jennifer, and her best friend Tracie, Ted glanced up from his seat on the couch. “Welcome to the armed camp.”
“Shut up.” Paul’s growl of warning was low; his gaze never strayed from the television. He didn’t want to talk or joke. He certainly didn’t want to rehash the get-lost scene in front of Jennifer’s friend. Tracie was nice enough and close with the group, but it was none of her business.
He’d spent three weeks trying to change Jennifer’s mind and break through the wall of stubbornness she erected around her, but she refused to budge on her move-out ultimatum. He finally gave in and went apartment and job hunting. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to venture outside of Toronto and away from her.
Despite the rage that rumbled in his gut every time she passed him on the way to the bathroom or sat across from him at the breakfast table, he held out hope. She insisted they would start a normal relationship—whatever that was—as soon as he had his own place. He had no idea what geography had to do with seeing each other, but the idea was stuck in her head, which meant he was stuck with following through.
Ted threw their friend Tracie a slight smile as she slid her thigh on the armrest closest to Paul. “It’s a bit tense in here. Enter at your own risk.”
Heather shook her head as she closed the door behind them.
“This is the calm stage.”
Tracie’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding.”
Ted waved them all off. “It will be over tomorrow.”
“What happens tomorrow?” They were the first words Jennifer had spoken in the apartment that day.
She’d rushed out hours earlier to go shopping with Tracie and Heather. Now she slipped through the blockade formed by her female companions and stared Paul down.
He glanced at her, his gaze never touching her face. “I’m moving to a place in Mississauga.”
It was clear she didn’t like being ignored when she stepped right in front of him. She didn’t stop until her shoes tapped against his socks. “Since when?”
This time he didn’t evade her stare. “Since you kicked me out.”
Tracie broke the tension by resting her hand on Paul’s shoulder. “A suburb. You’ll be nearby.”
He didn’t feel her touch. Didn’t feel anything. “Yeah.”
“We will still see you, right?” Tracie asked.
Ted stretched his arms along the back of the couch. “Of course. He’s leaving the apartment, not the country.”
Heather cleared her throat. With a head nod, she gestured to the other side of the apartment. “Tracie, help me in the kitchen.”
“Okay.” Tracie managed to make the word last for four syllables.
Not that Paul saw Tracie. No, he kept his focus on Jennifer.
“Ted?” Heather snapped out her boyfriend’s name.
“What?” he snapped right back.
This time she pointed in the direction she wanted him to go. “You, too.”
Ted glanced at the television, then at Heather. “It’s the second period of the hockey game.”
“Now.”
Jennifer waited until Ted grumbled his way past her and left them alone. She hit the off switch on the television and plunged the room into an unnerving quiet. “You didn’t tell me tomorrow was moving day.”
“I figured you’d notice when you didn’t see me sleeping on the couch.”
“I only need some—”
“Don’t.” He couldn’t listen to this again. He’d heard it so many times, in so many ways, and it meant only one thing—she was leaving him. Maybe not physically, and maybe not right now, but she could throw up an emotional wall faster than any woman he’d ever met.
Maybe he had jumped too fast. He’d wanted to be with her again so badly after all those calls, and after looking at those photos and reliving the memories, that he rushed to make it happen. To him, that was a good thing. It showed his commitment. But it scared the hell out of her, and he didn’t know how to put that right again.
“You still don’t understand,” she said in a sad voice.
“You want time and space. I get it.” He stood up and tried to brush past her, but she held onto his forearm.
“You’re punishing me.”
He looked down into those eyes that haunted his dreams. “I’m giving the lady what she wants.”
Seven
Sometimes a healthy does of humility is all that’s required to fix a problem.
—Grandma Gladys, The Duchess
PAUL HAD BEEN GONE FOR A WEEK AND SHE MISSED him like crazy.
Jennifer knew setting a boundary was the right thing to do. He was still an unknown quantity in so many ways, as was her future. She was smart to be cautious.
The sentiment was right. It was her delivery that needed a huge amount of work.
Kicking him out right after they found each other again had sent the wrong message. Banning him from her bed had been a huge blow to his ego. She knew because Ted told her and because Paul’s face didn’t leave any room for doubt.
I didn’t have anywhere to go . . .
His words about their childhood echoed back to her. She had been trying to protect herself and she hurt him. Again.
The two calls she made to check on him since he rented the first floor apartment had been terse on his end. She stuck to the pleasantries, and he barely spoke. Not exactly the best way to restart their dating lives.
She stood now in the driveway of the townhouse on Glen Buren Drive and stared at the red front door.
Tracie sat down on the car’s hood and joined in the staring. “You okay?”
“No.” Jennifer wondered if she would ever feel normal again. The boy who square danced into her life seemed to have stolen her stability along with her heart.
“You did what you thought was right.”
“You didn’t see his face when I told him to leave.”
Tracie had been there for the final blow. Paul announced his moving date and then left the apartment. He hadn’t come back except to grab his bag and head out. Tracie didn’t express her disappointment, but her head shaking for the rest of that day spoke pretty clearly.
“You’re here now,” Tracie assured Jennifer. “That will mean something.”
Jennifer wasn’t convinced. “I hope that’s enough.”
“Here’s Neil.”
Jennifer watched Paul’s closest friend in the world drive up. He sat there, behind the wheel, letting the car idle as he stared at Paul’s front door. It took another few minutes for Neil to turn off the engine and step out.
Jennifer rushed through the greetings before he could say anything to further erode her confidence. “Thanks for coming.”
He nodded. “I hope I don’t regret this.”
She decided to take the risk and lay it out there. “I don’t want to lose Paul.”
Neil glanced at his feet as he kicked some loose gravel around with his sneakers. “Honestly, he doesn’t see it that way.”
“I know.”
Tracie ran her hand up and down Jennifer’s arm. “He will.”
Neil shook his head as he handed over Paul’s extra key. “I’ll trust your female instincts on this one.”
Jennifer couldn’t help but laugh at that. “But those are what got me into this position.”
Neil’s frown never wavered. �
��He’s trying to find his way. He just needs some time to get there.”
“We both do.”
Tracie tugged on Neil’s arm and pulled him toward the parked cars. “And we’ll let you get to it.”
For the first time since he arrived, Neil smiled. “Guess we can’t watch, huh?”
“I’m not really into that,” Jennifer said.
“Now that’s a shame.”
She hitched her thumb toward the highway that ran just behind the townhouse complex. “Get out of here.”
Tracie waved. “Good luck.”
Yeah, Jennifer worried she was going to need a lot of it.
Paul decided he had finally lost his mind. He walked into his place after eight that evening and flicked on the family room light. He could see into the kitchen beyond and the cereal bowl he left on the counter before he headed out to the construction site that morning.
And, damn, he could smell her. It wasn’t possible. Jennifer had never been here. Would never be there.
Paul rubbed his temples and cursed his decision to stay up late watching the shark special. Not that he remembered any of it. He mostly stared into space and left the television on for background noise.
Rather than think about the stretch of lonely weeks ahead, he headed for the kitchen. On the way he threw his coat on the couch Tracie had found at a flea market and bought for him for twenty dollars.
He opened the refrigerator to grab something for a sandwich when he saw his bedroom door off to his right. It was closed. He didn’t shut it. No real need when a guy lived alone.
There were only a few options here. He debated calling the police until he realized he didn’t have anything worth stealing. It was probably the landlady who lived upstairs, or maybe the wind caught it and he didn’t notice.
Still, a guy couldn’t be too careful. He abandoned the turkey that had his mouth watering and pushed the bedroom door open nice and slow. It squeaked on its hinges as it went.
He saw her bare legs first. Sprawled across his mattress, covered only by a thin sheet, Jennifer lay there with her hazel eyes watching him.
“Hi.” Her greeting was so soft, he almost missed it.
He blinked a few times. When she didn’t disappear in a puff of smoke, he felt safe in thinking he hadn’t gone careening over the thin edge of sanity.
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