She sat silently, taking in what he’d said. She didn’t believe him. She had been so honest with him about her feelings, and he was choosing to interpret an inevitable sadness at saying goodbye to Violet, Lily and Polly as an easy out for breaking her heart. She figured it made things easier for him in his own mind that way.
He broke the silence. ‘I want you back, England. I was an idiot. If you really don’t want to go home, I want to be with you. I’ve never wanted anything more.’
She had never seen him look so vulnerable. Her heart hurt and she was so confused.
‘Tell me what’s really going on, then. Sorry, but I don’t believe that you did that because you were trying to make things easy for me. Things were good between us. Fuck, they were great. I was having the best relationship I’d ever had with you, then the break-up happened totally out of nowhere. There’s something you’re keeping from me.’ She crossed her arms and waited, and he sat silently as though weighing up whether or not to speak.
She was horrified when she saw him tear up and put the heels of his hands over his eyes. Dashing over, she crouched down on the floor next to where he was sitting and rested her hands on his knee. ‘What’s the matter? Tell me. You’re scaring me.’
He wiped his eyes, composing himself, and took her hand in his, but wouldn’t raise his eyes to her.
‘Do you remember when we went camping, and I told you about my old college girlfriend?’
‘The one who ran away to be a tequila girl in Cancun?’
‘Yes. I wasn’t entirely upfront with you about that. When I said I didn’t care all that much, it wasn’t true. I really loved her, and I was a mess for a long time after she upped and left. I numbed the pain with one-night stand after one-night stand, and I’ve never opened myself up to committing to anyone since. Then I met you, and it was like an explosion in my heart. I wanted you from the second I met you and the more I got to know you, the more I wanted to be with you. I’ve never felt like this before, not even with Kim. So when I heard you crying and I thought you were torn between here and England, I got scared that you’d leave. I ran before you could run. There you have it.’ His head fell back as he looked at the ceiling.
‘I wasn’t going to leave you. I was the happiest I had ever been.’ She threw him a sad smile.
‘I know I was an idiot and I should have told you what I was thinking. Let me help you sort this mess out. I want to make it up to you.’
She got to her feet, needing to put some physical space between them. ‘I need a minute. The last few days have been a lot. Stay here, I’ll go and make us some coffee.’
She walked dazedly into the kitchen, filling the kettle and putting it on to boil. Mechanically, she took two mugs from the cupboard and scooped in instant coffee from the jar.
Did he really mean it? He couldn’t. He hadn’t shown at any point in the past month that he regretted his decision. She hadn’t heard a word from him. Those weren’t the actions of a man in love, surely?
Now, all of a sudden, he showed up like a knight in shining armour when she was at her lowest. To what? To save her? Did he have some kind of issue where he always needed to be a hero? Right at that moment, though, she felt like she could do with saving.
She was petrified of facing Hank and dealing with whatever the fallout of the past few days would be.
After she dealt with Kyle, she would call Violet. Her best friend would know what to do about this whole mess. She was terrified at the thought of losing this job she’d come to love so much, but equally felt like it was probably exactly what she deserved. Didn’t Kyle say he’d already spoken to Hank? Maybe everything would be okay. But she felt so off-kilter and her gut instinct was screaming all the bad things.
She finished making the coffee and headed back into the lounge where Kyle stood, facing away from her, studying something in his hands.
‘Coffee’s ready,’ she said, holding a mug towards him.
He didn’t move.
‘Kyle?’
‘What’s this?’ he finally asked, turning and holding a small piece of white card in his hand.
She frowned, trying to work out what he had, then had to scramble to keep hold of the mugs in her hands when she realised he was holding the scan that she’d tucked inside one of the books that had been sitting on the shelf in front of him.
‘That’s a baby scan,’ she said carefully as the blood ran cold through her body.
‘I know that. I’m just wondering why it’s a baby scan with your name at the top of it. Do you have a kid back in England you’ve been hiding from me?’
She closed her eyes. This couldn’t be happening. It felt like her whole world had gone to shit in a matter of days. The universe had obviously decided to pull the final rug from under her.
‘Sit down, I’ll try to explain. I’m warning you, though, you’ll probably hate me after this.’
He hesitantly took his coffee from her and returned to his spot on the armchair. She sat opposite on the sofa again and swallowed.
‘This isn’t easy for me, Kyle. Violet is the only person who knows this story. Not even my family know. I’ll tell you everything then you can decide what you think of me. If it’s anything like I feel about myself, I know how this is going to end. You were right all along not to want me.’
He continued to stay silent, nodding at her to carry on. She noticed he was gripping his coffee cup with both hands. It must have been burning his skin but he didn’t seem to notice.
She nodded back, took a deep breath, and began to tell him the secret she had carried with her for seven long years.
‘You know Josh and I got married when I was twenty-three. We were kids, I was a baby. But we were playing at being grown-ups and playing it pretty well. We were happy, or so I thought. It was in the first year of our marriage that I found out I was pregnant. For me, it was the inevitable next step. We had got married, we had bought the flat. That’s what happens next, right? You have two point four kids and live happily ever after.’
She looked at him, waiting for a reaction, but his face was blank. Her hands started to shake as she resumed her story.
‘When I found out, I was nearly three months already. I hadn’t had any symptoms but I’d been missing periods so I went to the doctors. She asked if I could be pregnant and I laughed because I’d been taking the pill, but she made me do a test anyway and there it was. A hundred per cent positive. I was shocked but actually pretty happy about it. And I thought Josh would be thrilled. He was such a stereotypical city boy, I thought he’d be proud of the fact that he’d managed to defy contraception and make a baby. I decided to get the scan to kind of announce it to him. You see, I told you, we were kids playing at being grown-ups and I didn’t even stop to think he might want to be there for something so important. I did the scan with Violet.’
‘Then what?’ Kyle asked. ‘Did you lose it?’
‘In a way, yes.’ A single tear escaped from the corner of her eye and she quickly wiped it away. She didn’t want him feeling sorry for her. She didn’t deserve sympathy.
‘I told Josh and he went crazy. He thought I must have stopped taking my pill or not taken them right for it to have happened, and he accused me of being reckless and trying to trick him into having a kid without agreeing. And he absolutely didn’t want a baby. He said we were way too young, he still had so much he wanted to do in his career. We couldn’t afford for me to be off work. He wanted us to travel before becoming parents. There were a hundred reasons he came out with. He said we simply weren’t ready for that stage in our life and we had to sort it out before it was too late. He booked me into a clinic to terminate two days later.’
‘And you didn’t fight?’ Kyle asked, visibly shocked.
‘I’m not trying to blame Josh at all but, by that point, I kind of did as I was told. We went out with his friends; we didn’t see mine that much. But I idolised him, so I thought he must have been right. It wasn’t the right time for us to do that. But I wasn’t
strong. You’re right. And that’s why I know I don’t deserve anything good. I don’t deserve to be flying in a career or have these perfect times with you. Because what I did was pretty terrible. I didn’t fight for that little one. But the worst thing is, even though I am still occasionally sad about it, I don’t regret doing it. Because look at what happened. We would have been alone. And I would have been an awful mother.’
‘What the hell makes you say that?’ Kyle shot around to sit next to her on the sofa, taking her hand.
‘I couldn’t stand up for myself or a little baby. I’m ashamed of that. But also, the whole saga that played out showed I wasn’t good enough. Do you know what gave me the push to make this move to Utah?’ She looked at her lap as she asked him.
‘Only that you got the opportunity through Violet’s partner.’
‘That wasn’t it. Josh got married last year, and I saw on his Facebook that he and his new wife were having a baby. In fact, it would have been born by now. He or she will be a few months old. And I’m telling you, he’s never been happier or prouder of something in his life. He couldn’t wait to shout to the world about it. So, you see, I wasn’t good enough to be a mother, so he left me to find someone who was. And he wasted no time in making it happen with someone else.’
Kyle tightened his grip on her hand. ‘This is a big old piece of baggage you’ve been carrying around with you. It’s heavy. I don’t know what to say right now.’
She sighed. ‘I knew you wouldn’t. Look, can I have some space? I haven’t talked about this in years and I need to process a bit.’
They said an awkward goodbye with Kyle putting one uneasy arm around her before leaving. When she heard his truck drive off, she lay on the sofa. Once the tears started, they were hard to stop, and she lay there for what felt like hours.
When there were no more tears left, she looked at her watch. It was eleven o’clock and she hadn’t got to work yet. She downloaded the morning’s emails to her phone, and her stomach lurched as she saw one from Hank.
Abbie
After the events of the last few days, I think it would do both you and I good to have a break from each other while I think about the future and if you remaining at the club is something that is going to work for both of us.
I asked Kitty to book you a flight home at the club’s expense while I go through this evaluation.
I am sorry it is short notice but the best price was for a flight leaving for London this evening and I attach this ticket to the email.
I’ll be in touch soon. Have a safe flight.
Hank Henderson III
Feeling utterly resigned, she went upstairs to pack all her belongings into the cases she’d arrived with. She was clearly not coming back.
CHAPTER 26
Sitting in her parents’ living room in Liverpool a week later, curled up in her pyjamas and her dad’s dressing gown, snuggled under a fluffy blanket with a cup of tea in her hand, Abbie felt like the last nine months must have been a dream. Salt Lake City, the Utah Saints and Kyle seemed so far away she wondered if she’d made up the whole thing. She knew she hadn’t from the regular emails she was exchanging with Rose, but the feeling of being transported into an alternate universe was real.
For the first time in her adult life, she had no idea what to do.
She knew at some point she would have to figure out the logistics of giving notice on her house and dealing with all her new furniture but, with the rent paid for the next three months, she didn’t want to think about that yet. It seemed exhausting.
If something was going wrong in her personal life, she had always had her work. And even if things were not ideal at work, like in the final months at LTFC, it was still there.
She knew she should be searching earnestly for a new job, and her parents were too polite to ask when she was going to give up residency on their sofa, but she was exhausted. The fight had left her and she wanted to hibernate.
She vaguely knew it was evening because it was already dark outside but she had no real idea of the time. The TV was on but she couldn’t have told anyone what was playing. She knew her family were worried, but she needed some more days to rest. Then she’d pull herself together.
A game show on the television was reaching its conclusion, the families in the final buzzing with excitement that they were up for the grand prize, when Violet burst through the door at a million miles an hour. She was into her final trimester now and her bump entered the room before she did. She looked fierce and ready for battle, despite being over six months with child.
Having had no idea that Violet wasn’t at home in London, Abbie wasn’t expecting her to visit and sat up, hurriedly brushing the biscuit crumbs from the dressing gown that was pulled around her tightly. She knew this wouldn’t be good.
‘For fuck’s sake, Abbie. This is the second time in a fucking year that we’ve had to have a come-to-Jesus conversation so let’s make this quick. It’ll be less painful that way. Get the fuck up and get in the fucking shower.’ Violet’s Irish accent had never sounded stronger, nor had she ever sounded so cross. ‘And hurry up about it because your mammy is on her way home and we’re all going to have a talk.’
Abbie was slightly petrified at this miniature whirlwind, and after briefly embracing her friend, she ran upstairs and turned on the water to heat up while she grabbed a towel. Violet meant business, and it was usually in Abbie’s best interest so the fastest way out of this was to clean herself up.
When she got back downstairs, Violet had tidied the living room. The used mugs and glasses were washed and put away, the blanket folded on the back of the sofa and the open packet of biscuits nowhere to be seen.
‘That’s better, you look human,’ Violet said, ushering her onto the sofa.
‘Don’t worry about me, I’m not the one six months pregnant. How are you doing? Well, I know how you’re doing because we speak every day, but I wasn’t expecting to see you this evening. How did you get to Liverpool?’
Her friend plumped a pillow before leaning back on it. ‘There’s a fast train from Euston, don’t you know. Didn’t take much more time than taking a cab across London in rush hour. Now, we need to talk.’
Abbie nodded. ‘I know. I know you’re going to tell me I need to look for a new job and I promise I will.’
‘What about that one you told me about when I visited you? With the music magazine or whatever? Can’t you take that job? You can come and stay with me and Michael until you find a new place to live.’
‘It’s bloody gone to someone else already, some ex-Rolling Stone writer. It’s the only email I actually sent a couple of days ago so I could tell you I’d done something, and they replied pretty much straight away saying they’d had to fill the role. So that’s a no go.’ She shrugged.
‘And why have you not done anything else?’
God, Violet could be terrifying. ‘I was taking some time here, getting over the jet lag and the shock and all that before the new mission. I’m okay, I promise, I’m not in the same place I was before. I know I’ll survive it. I’m just having some bad days.’
‘I know you will, darling,’ Violet said, stroking Abbie’s arm. ‘It’s just, from everything you told me about that last conversation with Kyle, I don’t think you’ve properly dealt with what happened seven years ago. As much as you’ve been trying to push it aside, I don’t think you can fully move on until you have. You’re punishing yourself for something that you shouldn’t be and thinking things about yourself that just aren’t true. It’s affecting the rest of your life. So, I think you should tell your mam.’ She said it decisively and matter-of-factly, as if she had suggested Abbie tell her mother what she had for lunch.
Violet’s powers of persuasion were even more potent than Abbie thought, and after a fraught conversation in which Violet made far too much sense, she found herself agreeing. Her friend said she wouldn’t leave her side and would support her throughout, but Abbie said she needed to do it alone and she would tell bo
th her parents when they got back. Violet wanted to buy some early Christmas gifts in the late-night shopping, so she headed off to the city centre.
When Abbie’s parents walked through the door, her dad looked delighted that she had got dressed into something other than pyjamas for the first time in a week.
She stutteringly told them she needed to get something off her chest and, once she started, she found it was easier to tell it a second time around, especially as they gave her encouraging nods throughout.
She’d been unsure what reaction she’d get and was prepared for her parents to be disgusted. But her dad moved closer to her, putting an arm around her shoulder and hugging her tight. She sank into him, exhausted from recounting the same tale she’d told Kyle a week before. Her mum sat on her other side holding both of her hands in her own, and Abbie felt their strength coursing to her.
‘I can’t believe you’ve shouldered all this on your own all these years, love. You must have been really suffering,’ her mother said gently. ‘You did nothing wrong, you know. It’s very common. I had a group of girlfriends and we heard terrible stories back in the day from the girls who had to come over here to get sorted from Ireland. We formed an unofficial charity of sorts when we were in our twenties to support young girls travelling over on the ferry. We set up a little stand at the docks so they knew they were welcome, helped take them to the places they were going, and even offered beds if we could.’
Abbie looked at her mum in surprise. She didn’t think she’d ever heard her speak with so much conviction.
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