But poor creeter! I never felt like makin’ light of his reverses, for do not we, poor mortals! have to face our Waterloo some time durin’ our lives, when we have fought the battle and lost, when the ground is covered with slain Hopes, Ambition, Happiness, when the music is stilled, the stringed instruments and drums broken to pieces, or givin’ out only wailin’ accompaniments to the groans and cries of the dyin’ layin’ low in the dust.
We marched onward in the mornin’ mebby with flyin’ colors towards Victory, with gaily flutterin’ banners and glorious music. Then come the Inevitable to crush us, and though we might not be doomed to a desert island in body, yet our souls dwell there for quite a spell.
Till mebby we learn to pick up what is left of value on the lost field, try to mend the old instruments that never sound as they did before. Sew with tremblin’ fingers the rents in the old tattered banners which Hope never carries agin with so high a head, and fall into the ranks and march forward with slower, more weary steps and our sad eyes bent toward the settin’ sun.
But to stop eppisodin’ and resoom. I had hearn all about how it wuz bought and how like every new discovery, or man or woman worth while, the Purchase had to meet opposition and ridicule, though some prophetic souls, like Thomas Jefferson, Mr. Livingstone and others, seemed to look forward through the mists of the future and see fertile fields and stately cities filled with crowds of prosperous citizens, where wuz then almost impassable swamps and forests inhabited by whoopin’ savages.
And Mr. Bonaparte himself, let us not forgit in this proud year of fulfilled hopes and achievement and progress how he always seemed to set store by us and his words wuz prophetic of our nation’s glorious destiny.
I had knowed all about this but Josiah seemed to delight to instruct me as carefully as a mother would guide a prattlin’ child jest beginnin’ to walk on its little feet. And some times I would resent it, and some times when I wuz real good natured, for every human bein’ no matter how high principled, has ebbs and flows in their moral temperatures, some times I would let him instruct me and take it meekly like a child learnin’ its A-B abs. But to resoom. Day by day Josiah’s strange actions continued, and at intervals growin’ still more and more frequent and continuous he acted, till at last the truth oozed out of him like water out of a tub that has been filled too full, it wuz after an extra good meal that he confided in me.
He said the big celebration of the Louisana Purchase had set him to thinkin’ and he’d investigated his own private affairs and had discovered important facts that had made him feel that he too must make a celebration of the Purchase of the Allen Homestead.
“On which we are now dwellin’, Samantha,” sez he. “Seventy-four acres more or less runnin’ up to a stake and back agin, to wit, as the paper sez.”
Sez I, “You needn’t talk like a lawyer to me, Josiah Allen, but tell me plain as a man and a deacon what you mean.”
“Well, I’m tellin’ you, hain’t I, fast as I can? I’ve found out by my own deep research (the tin trunk wuzn’t more’n a foot deep but I didn’t throw the trunk in his face), I’ve discovered this remarkable fact that this farm the very year of the Louisana Purchase came into the Allen family by purchase. My great-great-grandfather, Hatevil Allen, bought it of Ohbejoyful Gowdey, and the papers wuz signed the very day the other momentous purchase wuz made. There wuz fourteen children in the family of old Hatevil, jest as many as there is States in the purchase they are celebratin’ to St. Louis. And another wonderful fact old Hatevil Allen paid jest the same amount for this farm that our Government paid for the Louisiana Purchase.”
“Do you mean to tell me, Josiah, that Hatevil Allen paid fifteen millions for this farm. Will you tell me that? You, a member of the meetin’ house and a deacon?”
“Well, what you might call the same, it is the same figgers with the six orts left out. Great-granther Allen paid fifteen dollars for this piece of land, it wuz all woods then.”
“Another of these most remarkable series of incidents that have ever took place on this continent, Thomas Jefferson wuz a main actor in the Louisana Purchase. He has left this spear some years ago, and who, who is the father of Thomas Jefferson today?”
I didn’t say nothin’, for I wuz engrossed in my knittin’, I wuz jest turnin’ the heel of his sock and needed my hull mind.
And sez he, smitin’ his breast agin, “I ask you, Samantha, who is the father of Thomas Jefferson today?”
I had by this time turned the heel and I sez, “Why, I spoze he’s got the same father now he always had, children don’t change their fathers very often as a general thing.”
“Well, you needn’t be so grumpy about it. Don’t you see that these wonderful coincidences are enough to apall a light-minded person. Why, I, even I with my cast iron strength of mind, have almost felt my brain stagger and reel as I onraveled the momentous affair.
“And I am plannin’ a celebration, Samantha, that will hist up the name of Allen where it ort to be onto the very top of Fame’s towerin’ pillow, and keep it in everlastin’ remembrance.
“And I, Samantha,” and here he smote himself agin in the breast, “I, Josiah Allen, havin’ exposed these circumstances, the most remarkable in American history, I lay out to name my show the Exposition of Josiah Allen. And I’ve thought some times that in order to mate mine with the St. Louis show, as you may say, I’d mebby ort to call myself St. Josiah.”
“Saint Josiah!” sez I, and my axent wuz that icy cold that he shivered imperceptibly and added hastily, “Well, we will leave that to the future to decide.”
“But,” sez he firmly, spruntin’ up agin, “if the nation calls on me to name myself thus I shall respond, and expose myself at my Exposition as Saint Josiah.”
Sez I anxiously, “I wouldn’t expose myself too much, Josiah. You remember the pa that took his weak-minded child to the ball, and told him to set still and not speak or they would find him out. “And they asked him question after question and he didn’t say a word, and finally they begun to scoff at him and told him he wuz a fool, and he called out, ‘Father, father, they’ve found me out.’ ”
Josiah sez snappishly, “What you mean by bringin’ that old chestnut up I can’t see.”
“Well,” sez I, “I shan’t sew the moral on any tighter.” But he kep’ on ignorin’ my sarcastick allusion.
“To keep up the train of almost miraclous incidents marchin’ along through the past connecting the St. Louis and the Allen Purchase like historical twins, I’m goin’ to spend on the Exposition of Josiah Allen jest the amount paid for the other original purchase, and I may, for there is no tellin’ what a Allen may do when his blood is rousted up, I may swing right out and pay jest the same amount St. Louis is payin’ for her Exposition.”
“Fifty millions!” sez I with emotions of or—or to think I had a pardner that would tell such a gigantic falsehood, and instinctively I thought of a story I’d hearn Thomas Jefferson tell the evenin’ before.
He said three commercial travelers wuz talkin’ before an old man from the country whose loose fittin’ clothes were gently scattered with hay-seed. The first one told with minute particulars of a Western cyclone that had lifted a house and sot it down in a neighborin’ township. The next one said that he wuz knowin’ to the circumstances and how the cyclone swep back and brought the suller and sot it down under the house. And the third one remembered vividly how the cyclone went back the second time and brought the hole the suller left and distributed it round under the new site.
The old man listened with deep interest, and said he wuz glad he’d had the privelige of hearin’ ’em, for their talk had cleared up a Bible verse he’d long pondered over.
They wuz astounded to think their talk had awakened religious meditations. But the old gentleman said their conversation had cleared up that passage where it said:
“Annanias come forth.’’
He said it wuz now plain to him that it meant that these three drummers should stand before Annania
s, the Prince of Liars, he takin’ his place behind ’em, the fourth in the rank of liars.
But this is neither here or there, I only mention it as comin’ into my mind instinctively and onbeknown to myself as I hearn Josiah Allen’s remark, it came and went, as thoughts will, like a lightning flash, even as I wuz repeatin’ the words agin in wonderment and horrow. “Fifty million dollars!”
“No, I said to you, Samantha, that in our conversation we would leave out the orts, fifty dollars wuz what I meant. But as I said this is what I’ve thought when my brain wuz fired with ambition and glory of histin’ the name of Allen up where it ort to be and will be. But when my blood has quieted down and I took a dispassionate view of the affair I have thought it would be more in keepin’ with the old traditions of the Allen family to spend jest fifteen, I can do a noble job with Uncle Sime’s help and Ury’s, with exactly the same sum that wuz paid for these purchases.’’
I see he wuz jest bound to ignore the millions. But I knowed it wouldn’t do any good to keep twittin’ him of it. And then he went on to describe more fully the Exposition of Josiah Allen that he’d been plottin’ for weeks and weeks. He said that he and uncle Sime had used up two hull pads of writin’ paper at a cost of five cents each, plannin’ and figurin’. But he didn’t begrech the outlay, he said. He wuz layin’ out to have the lower paster used as a tentin’ ground for the hull Allen race, and the Gowdeys if he decided they wuz worthy to jine in, he hadn’t settled on that yet. The cow paster wuz to be used for Equinomical and Agricultural displays and also Peaceful Industries and Inventions, and the lane leadin’ up to the barn from the lower paster he laid out to use as a Pike for all sorts of amusements, pitchin’ quaits, bull-in-the-barnyard, turnin’ handsprings and summer sets, etc., etc.”
Sez I coldly, “It would draw quite a crowd to see you and Deacon Gowdey standin’ on your two old bald heads turnin’ a summer set.”
“Oh, I laid out to have younger people in such thrillin’ seens, Ury and others.’’ And then he went on to describe at length his Peaceful Industry Show.
I couldn’t sot still to hear it only I felt I wanted to know the worst and cope with it as a surgeon probes to the quick in order to cure.
He thought he could git Aunt Huldy Wood, who wove carpets, to set up her loom for a few days under the big but-nut tree, and be weavin’ there before the crowds. He said she wuz a peaceful old critter and would show off well in it. And Bildad Shoecraft, another good-natured creeter, he could bring his shoe-making bench and be tappin’ boots. He could not only show off but make money at the same time, for he spozed that many a boot would be wore down to the quick walkin’ round viewin’ the attractions. And Blandina Teeter he spozed she could run my sewin’ machine under the sugar maple. And he thought mebby I would set out under the slippery ellum makin’ ginger cookies or fryin’ nut-cakes, in either capacity he said I wuz a study for an artist and would draw crowds.
“The wife of Josiah Allen fryin’ nut-cakes, what a sound it would have through the world.”
“No, Josiah,” sez I, “I shan’t try to fry nut-cakes in a open lot without ingregients or fire.”
“Well, mebby you’d ruther be one of the attractions of the Pike, Samantha. I hain’t goin’ to limit you to one thing. As the pardner of the originator of this stupengous scheme you are entitled to respect. There is where Napoleon, the other great actor in these twin dramas, missed it, he didn’t use his wife as he ort to. But jest see the wonderful similarity in these cases. He had two stepchildren; the wife of Josiah had two; I am smaller in statute than my wife; so wuz Napoleon.”
‘‘You spoke of your Peaceful Inventions, Josiah,’’ sez I, wantin’ to git his mind off, for truly I begun to fairly feel sick to the stomach to hear his talk about himself and the Great Conqueror.
“Oh, yes, Samantha, that in itself will be worth double the price of admission.”
“Then you expect to ask pay, Josiah?”
“Certainly, why not? Do they not ask pay at the twin celebration?”
“But you spoke of inventions; I shall let the rest of the Allens show off. Lots of ’em have invented things, but of course my inventions will rank number one. There is my button on the suller door I cut it out of an old boot leg. Who ever hearn of a leather button before, and it works well if you don’t want to fasten the door tight. Then there is that self actin’ hen-coop of mine that lets a stick fall down and shuts the door when the hen walks up the ladder.”
“But no hen has ever clim the ladder yet, Josiah.”
“No, perhaps they hain’t yet, but I’m expectin’ to see ’em every day, ’tennyrate paint that coop a bright red and yaller and it will attract a crowd.
“And then there is that travelin’ rat trap of brother Henzy’s, you know his grandmother wuz an Allen, I shall mayhap let him appear. And then there is all my farmin’ implements and the rest of the Allen’s I lay out to be just to all, and let ’em all come and show off in my Agricultural show.
“But of course there has got to be a head to it; Napoleon wuz the head of the other Purchase, and I’m the head of this. In short, Samantha, I am It.”
Oh, how full of pride and vain glory he wuz, and I knowed such feelin’s would have to be brung down for his spiritual good. I realized it as he went on, “I tell you, Napoleon and I would have made a span, Samantha, if he could been spared till now.”
Oh how shamed I wuz to hear such talk, but I sot demute for reasons named, and he sez agin, “I thought mebby you would want to be one of the attractions of the Pike, Samantha; I lay out to have livin’ statutes adornin’ the side of the lane leadin’ up from the beaver medder to the horse trough.’’
“Livin’ statutes!” sez I, coldly, “I don’t know what you mean by them.”
“Why, I thought for a few cents I could git a lot of children and old folks to be white-washed for a day or two and pose as statutes. It would be a new thing and a crackin’ good idee, for livin’ statutes that can wink, and bow, and talk, and walk round some, I don’t believe wuz ever hearn on before.” “No indeed,” sez I, “but I can tell you, Josiah Allen, I’ve played many strange parts in the role of life at your request, but I tell you once for all I shall never, never be whitewashed and set up for a statute, you can set your mind to rest on that to once.”
“Mebby you’d ruther be a Historical Tabloo, Samantha; I lay out to have beautiful ones, and I thought I wouldn’t confine myself to the States, but would branch out and have the foreign nations represented figuratively.
“A naval battle between Russia and Japan would draw; if I could fix some floats on the creek my stun boat could represent Russia, and Deacon Huffer’s Japan, I jest as lives mine would be blowed up and sunk as not, ’tain’t good for much. And if I did have that I would have the Russian Bear set on the shore growlin’, and the Powers furder back lookin’ pleasantly on. You might be a Power, Samantha, if you wuzn’t a female.”
“No, thank you, Josiah, I don’t hanker after the responsibility for good or evil that ort to hang onto a Power.”
“I’d be the Russian Bear myself, Samantha, with our old buffalo robe, only I’ve got everything else to do; I could grasp holt of things and squeeze ’em tight and growl and paw first rate.’’
“I wouldn’t try to take that Russian Bear’s job of graspin’ and growlin’ and pawin’ onto me, Josiah, if I wuz in your place; it would tucker anybody out.”
“The Eagle of France,” sez he dreamily, “could be represented in reduced form, as artists say, by Solomon Bobbett’s old Bramy rooster with some claws tied on. And Scotland, the land knows there is thistles enough along the cow path to represent her if they’re handled right. And for Ireland I might have two fellers fightin’ with shelalays, Ury could make the shelalays if he had a pattern.”
I knit away with a look of cold mockery on my face that I spose worried him, for he sez, “I wish I could git you interested in my show, Samantha. Mebby you’d want to represent Britanny scourin’ the blue seas, you always
thought so much of the Widder Albert. You could enact it in the creek where the water is shaller. You’ve got a long scrubbin’ brush, I always thought you looked some like Britanny, and you do scrub and scour so beautiful, Samantha.”
“No, Josiah, you’ll never git me into that scrape, not but what Britanny may need help with her scrubbin’ brush. But I shan’t catch my death cold makin’ a fool of myself by tacklin’ that job.”
“Oh, you could wear my rubber boots. But I shall not urge the matter, I only thought we two countries are such clost friends and I wanted you to have the foremost character, but I can probable git someone else to enact it. But the strain is fearful on me, Samantha, to have everything go on as it should.’’
His looks wuz strange. I could see that he wuz all nerved up, and his mind (what he had) wuz all wrought up to its highest tension; I knowed what happened when the tension to my sewin’ machine wuz drawed too tight—it broke. And my machine wuz strong in comparison to some other things I won’t mention out of respect to my pardner. I felt that I must be cautious and tread carefully if I would influence him for his good, so I brought forth the argument that seldom failed with him, and sez I:
“If I hadn’t no other reason for jinin’ in these doin’s, cookin’ has got to be done and how can a statute or a Historical Tabloo bile potatoes and brile steak and make yeast emptin’s bread perked up on a pedestal or posin’ in the creek, and you know, Josiah, that no matter how fur ambition or vain glory may lead a man, his appetite has got to be squenched, and vittles has got to be cooked else how can he squench it.”
And to this old trustworthy weepon I held in all his different plans to inviggle me into his preposterous idees and found it answered better than reason or ridicule. But even this failed to break up his crazy plan. His hull mind (what he had) wuz sot on it.
SOURCE: Josiah Allen’s Wife (Marietta Holley). Samantha at the St. Louis Exposition. New York: J. W. Dillingham Company, 1904.
Humorous American Short Stories Page 14